A/N: Hey guys! Again, thank you to all who review/favorite/subscribe; you're awesome! This chapter is sort of a mental breakdown, and it's a little intense. It's all over the place too with the switching of POV's so I'm sorry and it won't happen again but... I like it this way. My favorite wolf to the rescue! Please, if you favorite, REVIEW! I really appreciate it. It makes my day! Okay, no more stalling :)
"What makes you think you are invincible? I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure." -Secondhand Serenade, Vulnerable
KPOV
I walked my dad to the door and kissed him goodnight, pleased at his acceptance of the meal and the house that he had left in my care. I felt a small weight lift off my shoulders as soon as he pulled out of the driveway. It was releiving to not have to find something to talk about while simultaneously ignoring the big purple elephant of my mothers death in the room. I checked everything over - the stove, the oven, the oil burner, etc. and made my way to my room to change into a pair of sweats and a tee shirt.
I slipped into the master bedroom quietly and grabbed the blue quilted blanket from the closet. The one that was drenched in her smell. I held it close and walked quietly back down the hall and into the pale yellow room, filled with her art, her perfume, her aura; just filled with all that was my mother. I don't visit the grave, only on the anniversary and to keep up the plants. I come into her studio. That's where she is, where I feel her the most.
"Hey, Mom," I whispered, as I slid down the wall next to the door. When she would come in here to paint I would sit against this wall, in the same spot, and watch her paint for hours. "I miss you. I had a good week. Remember that AP Chem. test I told you I was nervous about? Well I got an eighty. I just don't understand electrochemistry. It's okay, I still have an A, I promise. I know you want to know about Jared, but I think I need a little more time to catch my breathe about the whole thing. I'll come back tomorrow. I have to check the gallery. Mr. Peters keeps asking me for more pieces but I don't want to give anything to him. It's yours, Mom, I feel like I never give him the stuff that you would have wanted to put there. Mina's okay. She has a new crush, Jared's friend, Paul. He's okay, got a bit of a temper, but other than that, they're good for each other. I saved a lot this week in groceries. I had time to cut, like, a zillion coupons. You'd be proud," I smiled.
"Dad's okay. He landed a really big case. I don't think he's happy." Cue breakdown. "I'm so sorry Mom. I try, really I do. I try to say something every Sunday but I just don't have the words. I'm such a horrible daughter," I whispered brokenly. Cue tears. "I wish you were here. Why did you leave? You didn't deserve it!" Cue Anger. I wrapped myself in the blanket and started sobbing, like every Sunday at 8:09 pm. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'm so sorry. I miss you." I repeated like a mantra. My heart ached the familiar dull ache and I couldn't breathe for a minute.
I was so wrapped up in my self pitying that I didn't notice the door open to my left. I did feel arms move me into a warm lap. I knew who it was immediately. "I'm okay, Jared. I'm fine. Just-just-I'm fine." I sobbed against his chest.
I wasn't okay, I knew that, but he didn't have to. I could feel that I was making his naked chest wet. I was making a mess. I tried to pull back but his arms just held stronger. I cried harder. I wish my Mom was here to hold me. I wish I wasn't such a weakling. I wish I could just get over it. My mom died, I should have just mourned and moved on, but I was stuck in the fact that I not only had no mother but that I was failing at keeping my dad happy - something that I should have stepped up to. I was so lost in my own pity-party that I was being inconsiderate to my dad. Why couldn't get over myself? I cried harder.
"Jared, please," I sobbed, "I'm fine, I'm okay. You don't have to stay here with me. I'm being weak," I cried.
"I'm not going anywhere, Kim." He kissed the top of my head and held me closer. It felt good. Good enough for the broken side of my heart to stop throbbing so incessantly. I sat in Jared's arms for what felt like hours, reveling in the warmth that I was such a comfort I began to cry again. It felt good to stop trying to hold myself together and let someone else take the burden just this one Sunday night. I was emotionally exhausted and I let sleep painfully take me into its deep waters.
"If ever your will starts crashing down, whenever your will starts crashing down, that's where you'll find me" -OneRepublic, All Fall Down
JPOV
I should thank her for letting me sleep in her house - not that she knew I was, but for not freaking out when she found out - and for the pancakes. I don't think flowers convey enough gratitude. Now, if we're talking on a completely honest basis, I really just want an excuse to see her. I jumped out of my window and phased quickly, grabbing a pair of pants from under the window. I phased back right before I hit her driveway and started walking up the dirt road.
I could hear her as soon as I hit the mailbox and sprinted the rest of the drive, nearly a half-mile. She was sobbing, it sounded like. The most heartbreaking sound I'd ever heard. I didn't bother knocking. We didn't have time for courtesy if she was in trouble. I made my way up the stairway and hesitated in opening the whitewash door where the sobs were coming from. I opened the door and my heart clenched painfully. My Kim was sitting on the floor, her back against the wall, weeping. She was apologizing, for what or to whom I have no idea, but the mere sight of her in any kind of pain, much less this kind of evident pain, was enough for me to pick her up and set her in my lap. She didn't startle or scream, she just cried harder.
I didn't know what wrong but it was killing me. I was finding it hard to breathe. "I'm okay, Jared. I'm fine. Just-just-I'm fine," she sobbed. I didn't know what she was talking about but if she thought I was moving, she was wrong. I could feel her tears on my skin. Her pain was almost tangible. It was coming off of her in currents, the next wave hitting me before I could recover from the last one. I couldn't imagine how she felt. She tried to pull away but I held stronger, knowing that what I was doing was good for her, even if she didn't know it. "Jared, please," she sobbed again, "I'm fine, I'm okay. You don't have to stay here with me. I'm being weak," she cried even harder.
I still didn't know what was wrong but I knew that my Kim was not a weak person. I did know she was being too hard on herself. All of the words that flooded my mind at that moment seemed inadequate so I didn't say any of them. "I'm not going anywhere," I whispered and kissed her head before I could help myself. She relaxed but kept up a steady flow of tears.
Eventually her breathing evened out and she relaxed completely against me. She was hot; I could feel the combined heat of the blanket and me now engulfing her. I removed the blanket, trying not to jostle her, and picked her up. I placed her on top of her lavender bed and I lay next to her. I stayed awake for another hour but the rhythm of her even breathing made my eyelids heavy. I was hoping she was having happy dreams. The ones that made you smile in your sleep and hit the snooze button a few times in the morning to try and keep up the feeling. I knew it was a far stretch, seeing as how she was crying her heart out just a few hours ago.
I assumed the room with the white wash door was her mother's room. It was covered in beautiful works of art and supplies everywhere. I couldn't figure out why she was saying she was sorry, though. I could understand 'I miss you' but not 'I'm sorry'. I was burning with curiosity, among other feelings - sadness, exhaustion, worry - but I was getting more tired by the second. I let sleep take me, ecstatic that Kim was in my arms, if not completely happy but safe.
"But you really need to listen to me, because I'm telling you the truth. I mean this, I'm Okay, trust me...I'm not okay." -My Chemical Romance, I'm Okay
KPOV
I woke up half sprawled across Jared's chest as the memories of last night came flooding back quite unpleasantly. My head was situated perfectly on his shoulder and my arm was resting on his abdomen, my right leg hanging over his. His right hand was tangled in my hair and left hand was entwined with mine. My lavender bedding was all over the room and I could care less right now because my body was perfectly warm with the heat that Jared was radiating.
I didn't want to move, not even a little, but there was no way I was going back to sleep. We had probably fallen asleep sometime around nine last night and it was 4:30 in the morning right now. My body was perfectly attuned to my rigid schedule. I detangled myself from Jared quickly and padded my way down the hall and into the shower.
I took my time and let myself wander back to last night. I hadn't wanted him to see my like that - so vulnerable. It wasn't weird at all to have been connected to him like that, not when I needed it nor when I had woken up this morning. It felt… right? Yes, it had felt like he was a part of me that I knew. It was like when I had Mina for a sleepover, we always slept in the same bed and we knew what to expect in the morning - Mina to be sprawled diagonally across the bed, me to be curled up in a ball in the small amount of space that she didn't occupy. It felt like it was expected that we were to be tangled together.
I finished up in the shower and stepped lightly down the stairs to the laundry room where I had a fresh batch of clothes in the dryer. I dressed quickly and went into the kitchen. I was early; it was only 5:30, so I used my time to make ten scrambled eggs, eight pieces of toast, two glasses of orange juice, a pound of bacon and three muffins. I knew to be prepared at this point with Jared's eating habits. I could tell he wasn't much of a Raisin Bran kind of guy anyway.
It was 6:00 now and I just decided to let my hair dry and wake Jared up a little more nicely than with the loud blow dryer. I walked lightly back up the steps and into my room. Jared was still spread across the bed; he barely fit on it even though it was a queen sized mattress. I leaned over the bed and whispered into his ear, "Jared, time to wake up, I have breakfast." He groaned lightly in response.
"Oh, come on. I have eggs and bacon and banana nut muffins..." I whispered again.
"Alright, I'm up, jeez." He didn't open his eyes. He did, however, wrap his arms around me and pull me on top of him. "Good morning, sunshine," he said as he kissed my cheek lightly.
"There is nothing good about Monday morning, Jared," I laughed.
"Yes there is, actually. This particular morning, I happen to have been awoken by not only the delicious smell of breakfast but I also have the most beautiful girl in the world in my arms," he smiled. He really was just too sweet. It was horrible, criminal even, for him to be so happy. I giggled (yes, giggled) and kissed his cheek this time. I grabbed his hand then and yanked him or, more accurately, attempted to yank him, out of bed.
He followed me down the stairs, his hand still in mine and whimpered as he caught sight of the buffet in the kitchen. I smiled at his enthusiasm and lead him over to a chair.
"You're a goddess and I've gone to heaven, right? I mean, this is incredible. What time did you get up? This had to have taken, like, three hours," he looked admiringly at the huge amount of food that I had already piled on his plate.
"I got up at 4:30 and no, I am not a goddess, nor is this heaven because we have school in like an hour and you need to go home and shower and change. So hurry up and eat." I didn't need to tell him twice and he dug in, nearly inhaling all of his food in ten minutes.
Jared apparently didn't have any clothes, which meant that he had to walk out of my house in a pair of boxers and one of my dad's old shirts that was way too tight. I would have preferred it if I could just see the beautifully ripped muscles naked. He walked over to the driver side of The Beast and motioned for the keys.
"Absolutely not! She is mine and no one can drive her but me, not even Mina."
"Please?" He did the puppy dog eyes and the pouty lips and I almost caved… but then I remembered that my truck was my baby and I shook my head again.
"No way! You can walk home and I won't give you the lunch I brought for you." He scowled but slid into the passenger seat anyway and I just smiled innocently at him.
We made our way to his house where I could hear him being ripped a new one for ten minutes straight at a pitch that probably would have shattered my eardrums had I not been outside in the driveway. I wanted to come in but Jared said it was probably not a good idea considering he was probably in a boat load of trouble. So when he came out fully clothed I grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
"I'm sor-"
"It's not your fault, she's been a little crazy lately… and the added stress of her not knowing when I'll be home or when I'll be going to school is putting a toll on us both," he said. He was unhappy and I felt the urge to smooth out the wrinkles of his face that were pulled together in a small frown. He recovered quickly and looked at me with a new seriousness.
"Are you okay…about last night, I mean? If I intruded, I didn't mean to and I just heard-"
"It's okay; it happens every Sunday after I see my dad… or if I have a bad day. I know it's stupid and childish but it helps a little," I tired to explain it to him. I was grateful that he had come last night. It felt good and my body felt stronger than it normally did on Mondays. "Thank you, by the way. You didn't have to do that."
"I know, but I wanted to. And it's not stupid or childish, it's mature. You can grieve healthily, I respect that. I wish it didn't hurt you as much, though. Oh, why were you apologizing?" His question was tough; I didn't know how to answer in a way that he would understand. We were in the school parking lot now but neither of us had to be into homeroom until 8:00.
"Well, my dad doesn't live with me really - don't tell anyone - and I'm pretty sure it's my fault that he is a workaholic. I want to help him, make him deal with it - not that I'm dealing with it appropriately myself - but I don't know how. I don't know how to tell him that I miss him - the old him that used to be so much…happier. He's all emotionless now, I can't seem to find the words, though, and my mom would be disappointed. But I'm just being a baby, don't listen to me."
I hadn't meant to let myself say those things, let him know how inept I was at holding a relationship with my own father, how I thought my mother would be so disappointed in me, how that disappointment hurt like hell. I tried to downplay it but he already had the gist of what I was saying and how deeply it effected me.
"You're not a disappointment. You're doing what you can, and I'm confident that you'll figure it out, okay? Don't be so hard on yourself, just relax and let it not matter for a little while."
"Don't you see though, that's my problem, I should be able to freaking step up and be there. I should be able to be the bigger person. I tell myself that I'm responsible and that I'm mature but here I am hiding from everyone and everything, including my father."
"That's not irresponsibility or immaturity, it's grief, and it's allowed. It's healthy and its part of being a human. Everyone knows that you're strong, no one doubts you. Listen to what I'm saying; you need to relax about it. Stressing out about something that is out of your control is immature, that's irresponsible. If you need to cry, then cry, if you need to scream, then scream, if you need to throw yourself off of a fifty - foot cliff, then by all means…but don't do it without me 'cause the rip tide will take you under," he smiled at me.
It was oddly… helpful. He wasn't full of shit, which was more than I could say about everyone else. I let the words sink in, 'it's grief and it's allowed'. I liked that. I lifted my head from its previous place on the steering wheel and leaned over to press my lips lightly to his cheek. It felt natural so I lingered a little longer and his breath hitched. We hopped out and he grabbed my hand as we walked through the pouring rain together.
A/N: You see that button down there... no, not that one - yes! That one, the one that says 'review'. Click it! K, thanks 3