I own not Reid, Morgan nor cm…how many times…
How do you deal with a part of yourself that you've been running from for over fifteen years? That felt so wrong and made you feel so dirty and full of shame. You've been in full denial (never seen you with the same girl twice) as Reid put it.
It's all a show… trying to find yourself or loose it. You don't know which. But it's only gotten worse since you met Reid.
It's hard having to pretend and cover up any feeling you have for him. You have to remember the boundaries you set for yourself with touching, teasing, flirting…because you know that every time you go too far, it's gonna take you days to fully heal, knowing that you want something you know you can't have… yet you still don't learn.
On your part, you'd protested it all the way, wrestling with yourself with the impracticality of these emotions, you've been able to get rid of them before…what's so different about Spencer Reid?
Hr's so much different than anyone, there's no one to compare him to, you reason.
The fact that he's more than a pretty boy, he's gorgeous, but still can handle his own. That he's smart of course, but still tries to connect with people like you. Even though he knows that there's danger all around him, he still rushes forward, always killing a part of you until you know he's safe. Maybe that's the appeal of touching him, reassuring yourself that he's still here with you, whole, safe.
You don't want to exploit him, not like Buford did to you. You…love Reid.
There was never a big bang of realization, rather a feeling that you could never live without him. A feeling that ebbed and flowed until it crashed over you, broke you down. And you've never recovered from that.
Instead you play player, smooth womanizer, trying to cover it up, but you know it's impossible to hide from this…thing, but you try anyway, tearing yourself to pieces in the process.
Like now, you look down at the sleeping form next to you.
You love the fact that he feels comfortable enough to come to you like this. That he can find comfort sleeping in your arms, and doesn't question it.
Oh god, you know this is gonna hurt so much when he leaves.
Reid shifts, moaning softly. He pushes closer to you and you receive him, touching his silky hair.
Somewhere in this warmth, you forgot to breathe.