WARNING: This story is beyond retarded. Contains foul language (from Mello), Near bashing (no offense to Near fans), and suggestive yaoi themes.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: We were extremely bored one night, and decided to record ourselves on "Mello's" cell phone while we were acting like Mello x Matt…and we decided to transfer it all into a really ridiculous fanfiction. Our characters are super OCC, although we act as though we think Mello x Matt would. There epic crossovers that we will try to reference in notes at the end of the conversations. We both have really crazy laughs…so they are portrayed as best as we could do it.
DISCLAIMER: Sadly enough, we do not own Death Note or anything else that we could possibly be sued over.
Every separate conversation will be a new chapter. Each conversation also becomes more stupid as we go along.
Matt: Yeah I got this. (We were using "Mello's" cell phone and Matt was trying to figure out how to work the Record Audio function.)
Mello: Alright as long as you figured it out.
Matt: It's shiny like a video game. That's how I know it's recording.
Mello: Is that all you fucking think about?
*Pause*
Matt: Yeah.
*Indistinct Conversation Bit*
Mello: Your computer has an STD. (We were working on a lemon story on "Matt's" laptop (("Mello" was typing")) and for some reason "Matt's" Word program has a thing at the bottom that says STD).
Mello: *types XXX*
Matt: That's how you get an STD, just type in XXX.
Mello: So what were you saying about Near while ago?
Matt: Nothing.
Mello: Cause I don't appreciate it. If you touch him again I'll kill him.
Matt: I said he sucks (No offense to Near fans.)donkey balls, man.
Mello: If you touch him again I'll kill you, and then I'll kill him.
Matt: I didn't touch him. I never touched him.
Mello: He's a pansy you know. He would cry at the sight of blood.
Matt: He is a pansy. He did cry at the sight of blood.
Mello: I'm so much cooler than him!
Matt: I know.
Mello: I'm better than him!
Matt: You are!
Mello: Damn right, Matty.
Matt: We're gonna kick his butt!
Mello: We are. We're going to catch this fucking Kira, okay?
Matt: Before Near.
Mello: Near will die before we catch Kira.
Matt: He will.
Mello: Cause I'll kill him.
*Pause*
Mello: I'M MAD!
Matt: Yup.
Mello: Right now!!
Mello: MATTY!
Matt: Yup.
Mello: I LOVE YOU!
*Awkward Pause*
Matt: Love you too, man.
Mello: YES!
(We giggled here XP)
Matt: Near's a little…*mumble* pansy.
Mello: Wait. What did I just say?
Matt: I don't know, dude.
Mello: Okay.
Matt: Yeah.
Mello: Exactly. There's no recording to prove that I just said that.
Matt: No. Not at all, man.
Mello: Okay.
Matt: I so did not hear anything.
Mello: Cause I so did not mean that.
Matt: This phone is not shiny!
Mello: Okay.
Matt: The phone is not recording! No. I mean I-I…
Mello: Near sucks donkey balls!
Matt: Near sucks donkey balls…That's what I've been trying to tell you, man. I saw him do it once.
Mello: EW!!!
Matt: I know!
Mello: That's disgusting! Why did you watch?!
Matt: I didn't! I was just walking by and there he was in the courtyard with a donkey. (Apparently Whammy House has a courtyard.)
Mello: Did he have his toys with him? That would be even creepier if he did.
Matt: No.
Mello: Good.
Matt: Just him and the donkey. So maybe it was that weird kid; the hairy one that came in like a couple of years before we left.
Mello: K?
Matt: Was he hairy? Okay. Might have been him.
Mello: Or Z.
Matt: Did he look like a donkey?
Mello: Yeah.
Matt: It must have been that guy then.
Mello: Must have been.
Matt: Cause he was standing on two legs. Donkeys don't really do that, do they?
Mello: No. Can't say I've ever seen that before.
Matt: Unless they're like a trained circus donkey.
Mello: I don't know. Never seen one of those really.
Matt: Like a bear stands on two legs, like a bear stands on a ball.
Mello: I-I don't know. I've never been to the circus, dude.
Matt: You've never been to the circus?
Mello: I know, and I'm from Russia!
Matt: They have circuses in Russia.
Mello: I know!
Matt: You should've gone to the circus.
Mello: I was always with the mob, and was in an orphanage cause my parents left me!
Matt: Gah! The mob…(Matt tends to get jealous when Mello goes off without him…and he's jealous of the men in Mello's mob…)
Mello: I told you. I didn't even go to that meeting today. If I would have went I would've taken you with me.
Matt: And you have relatives, man. (Matt just found out this morning that Mello actually does have living relatives)
Mello: Okay, okay.
Matt: I have nobody! I have my video games!
Mello: YOU HAVE ME!
Matt: I have youuuu.
Mello: *Sighs*
Matt: I don't have any other relatives though.
Mello: So I'm not enough am I?
Matt: No! Y-You're enough.
*Silence*
Mello: I'm enough?
Matt: You're more than enough, Mello.
Mello: Exactly. Damn straight.
Matt: *mumbles* A little Near on the side.
Mello: If I find out you touched him, I will kill both of you.
Matt: *whispers* Far. (We also previously decided that Mello doesn't like hearing Near's name, so we call him Far sometimes instead.)
Mello: Yes, cause we don't use the name: N-E-A-R.
*Slight Pause*
Mello: I CAN SPELL, MATTY!!!
Matt: FAR!!!
Mello: You're a retard.
Matt: Too many video games, man… Your car is possessed again. ("Mello's" lights were "mysteriously" coming on and off while we were outside sitting in said car.)
Mello: No it's not. My foot keeps hitting the switch.
Matt: Why don't you sit like a normal person?
Mello: Cause I don't like it!
Matt: I gotta pee.
Mello: Well go.
Matt: Do I have to sit down again? (Matt asks this because previously the two had gone out dressed as women "for a mission for Mello's mafia.")
Mello: No, no. We're at private headquarters now. You can do what you want. Whatever.
Matt: Okay.
Mello: You're incognito for whatever reason, but you know.
Matt: Cause it makes me feel pretty ^_^
*Lots of Laughter* (Like seriously we couldn't breathe!)
Matt: Mello doesn't giggle.
Mello: I can't help it.
*More Giggles*
Matt: I'm sure Matt doesn't giggle either, but I do…Cause I'm a cool Matt.
Mello: Okay! Now go pee, so I can write this. (Referring to the lemon we are collaborating on.)
Matt: I-I can't! It's kinda blocked, so I'm not worried about it.
oOEndOo
Closing Notes: Yes. None of it made sense, we know. Our first lemon story should be posted (separately) soon! ^_^
And at the end, we're not really sure what we were talking about O.o
Have a great day :D