Reasons that reason cannot know
Chapter 17
Brooke woke up and realized she was in her bed. She looked at the armchair and saw sleeping Lucas there. She smiled a bit. That was the man she loved: always sweet and nice and caring. And she hated that he was going through so much, partly because of her. But even after the whole mess they were all in, she wouldn't change that night in New York. It was one of the best in her life, and it brought her the best thing in her life. Her daughter. Hers and Lucas'.
She got out of bed, trying not to wake Lucas, but she failed. He opened up his eyes and smiled at her.
"Hey."
"Hi."
They stood in comfortable silence for a while, then Brooke spoke again.
"Thanks. For coming last night, for comforting me, for taking care of me, for being you."
He looked at her and he wanted to do so much more to help her. He would do everything for her. She was his Brooke.
"Anything for you, Pretty Girl."
She trembled. He wasn't supposed to call her like that. Not anymore. He used to call her Pretty Girl when they've been together and in love. When he was her Boyfriend and she was his Pretty Girl. All the moments they shared back there were replayed in her head. He called her Pretty Girl…
Lucas didn't plan on calling her that way again. The words just came. He remembered the times when he used to call her his Pretty Girl and she called him Boyfriend. The times when he was sure he was going to spend the rest of his life with her.
Their looks met. There was so much in the eyes of both of them, but nothing that could be defined. It was just one of those moments.
Lucas broke the contact. He didn't know what was happening and he felt confused. So he just said:
"I'm gonna go. Kiss Anna from me and call me if you need anything, ok?"
Brooke nodded and they smiled at each other once again before he turned around to go. Just then, she stopped him.
"Luke… Why don't you stay for breakfast?'
He looked at her and thought about it for a second. But the opportunity to spend some really happy time with Anna and Brooke was so amazing Lucas just nodded and smiled.
"I would love to."
*-*-*
For anyone who didn't know the story, they would have seemed like a real family. She was making pancakes while he was with Anna who looked so happy. They ate together and joked, laughed, talked about random stuff… And it looked so right and natural. Like that was the way it was supposed to be.
*-*-*
Lucas was at his office, thinking over everything that happened lately when he heard a voice he was expecting to hear since last night.
"Lucas, will you please tell me what the hell is going on here?"
He looked at his best friend who looked both upset and worried and he knew it was going to be a long conversation.
"Basically, everything messed up. But if you ask me why, I can't tell you."
Haley saw how confused Lucas looked. He hasn't been like that in a long time. And everything seemed to be finally be great…
"Luke, why does Lindsey think you are still in love with Peyton? You told me you were more than sure you don't have feelings for her and you two finally got your closure. What happened?"
He sighed and started explaining.
"Well, I finished the new book and gave it to Lindsey to read it. Then last night, I come home and she starts talking about the book looking so broken. She told me the book was an epic love story and I just couldn't get what she meant: it's about a boy and a comet. Then she started to make some kind of crazy conclusions that it was about my undying love for Peyton, because the first time we talked, she called me to fix her car – The Comet. I tried to tell her this is ridiculous, but she just left. And I couldn't do anything about it."
It hurt to think he lost Lindsey, especially over some stupid theory and insecurities. It was so damn hard. Haley looked at him with sympathy.
"I'm so sorry, Luke. Do you think she was just too emotional?"
"She left her key, Hales."
"Are you sure she is not right?"
He looked at her. She of all people was asking him this? His best friend who was right next to him all these years and knew the story?
"She's not. God, why are you all thinking that I'm still in love with Peyton and I can't love anyone else?! Just tell me why damn it!"
He was angry. He was mad. Why was everybody always thinking that he and Peyton were meant to be? And why was this always ruining his happiness? Why was he always losing a woman he loved?
Haley sighed.
"Because facts are better proof than words. And the facts are you spent so many years admiring Peyton and loving her from distance. Then you cheated on Brooke to be with Peyton – something I fought you would never do. And then, when I thought you were really happy and in love with Brooke, you kissed Peyton again and you got together with her not even a month after Brooke who you claimed to love so much broke up with you. And even your words say it, Luke. "I was now and I would always be in love with Peyton Sawyer.". You were ready to spend your life with her Luke. And when she said no, you couldn't get through it for so long. And now she comes back, you start writing right after that and apparently your book is about more than a boy and a comet. Put the puzzle together, Luke, and you'll realize why Lindsey thought that and why almost everyone thinks it too."
Lucas sighed. He was so tired of hearing stuff like that. Why nobody couldn't understand?
"Hales, I don't know how it looks, but I know how it is. I loved Peyton so much. And I still do. But I am not in love with her. She's an amazing friend and a very important person in my life, but it's not the way it was anymore. We have been over for so long and I really moved on. And about the past… I made bunch of mistakes and I know it. Trust me, I think about them and regret them every single day. But you made it look like it has never been anyone else but Peyton and you know it's not like that. I loved Brooke so much and you know it. She meant everything to me. Everything, Haley, and I lost her because of the idea that me and Peyton, we were meant to be. And back then, I didn't want Peyton. I wanted Brooke and when she broke up with me I was a mess. And Peyton helped me get through it and I fell in love with her. I don't regret being with her or loving her. She made me so happy. But just because everyone kept pushing that we were meant to be, I lost a girl I was in love with, a girl I loved with my whole heart. And now it's happening again. So, Haley, no, Lindsey is not right. I'm not in love with Peyton. I haven't been in a long time."
He could see how bad Haley felt for upsetting him and even though he was still mad about everything, he wanted to make her feel better.
"Did she say something to you?"
"Not much. Just that she couldn't be with you when you are clearly still in love with Peyton. I tried to talk to her about it, but then Peyton came, which makes me ask another question. What the hell happened with the triangle of hell again? She came to us crushed and mad and asked us to not mention you or Brooke around her."
Lucas sighed. He knew he had to tell the truth now. But he knew Haley wouldn't take it very well. That's one of the reasons he didn't tell her right after New York. The other reason, it was that he didn't want to share such a moment he shared with Brooke with anybody. Even if the circumstances were strange, this night was something really special to Lucas. He took a deep breath and spoke again.
"You remember when I first went to New York? It was right after I broke up with Peyton. I met Brooke there and we hung out the whole evening. When we were in a restaurant, I showed her the ring and the owner thought we got engaged."
He remembered how Brooke put the ring on her finger and smiled a little.
"We got free champagne and we both got a little tipsy. Then I kissed her and we slept together. Peyton learned last night."
Lucas didn't want to tell Haley the whole story, their conversations, the way he felt. It was something just about him and Brooke. He was expecting that Haley would yell at him and freak out, but instead, she just closed her eyes, sighed and spoke with a low voice.
"Lucas, what were you thinking?"
He didn't want to talk about it very much, it was so personal, but he knew he had to.
"I can't explain it, Haley. One moment, all I can think about is Peyton, the next I feel like Brooke and I are the only two people in the world. And it wasn't because of the alcohol. I don't know what else to tell you. All I know is that it was something between me and Brooke and it may have not been fair to Peyton on some level, but it is still not about her."
Haley looked at him and he knew something was happening in her mind, but he had the feeling she was not going to share it. Not all of it at least.
"Luke, you can't mess up with people's lives like that. I mean, you propose to Peyton when she least expected it. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you. And then, you sleep with Brooke – her best friend, your ex, the one whose heart you two twice broke. Lucas, their friendship went through hell because of you and you did something to put it on the line again. And not to mention what you caused to the feelings of both of them. And…"
"Wait, wait… What do you mean by the both of them?"
"Well, Peyton obviously finally felt like she's doing what she was meant to or was on the right track. She loved you, but was not ready to this kind of commitment. And then you don't wait for her as she wanted you to. And now she learns you slept with her best friend right after that. She questions if you ever truly loved her, because she can't understand why you didn't wait till she was ready and she can't accept that you would sleep with her best friend 24 hours after you proposed to her if you loved her as much as you claimed."
"But you said both of them. So that includes Brooke. What do you mean you that I caused something to her feelings?"
Haley looked away for a second before speaking again. That's how Lucas knew she was not sure what to say.
"Lucas, you are the one who changed Brooke's world, who changed her. You are her first love and if you ask me, her only one for now. I know she was with Chase, but it was just not the same. And I don't think there was anyone she fell truly in love with after she left Tree Hill. And then suddenly you come back on the horizon and people think you are engaged: something she used to picture while you two were together, that was not so long before that night - a year is not enough to completely forget your dreams. And then if I understood properly, you kissed her. Did you realize how many things I'm sure she tried so hard to bury in the past you put back on the surface, Luke?"
He hasn't fought about how much his actions could have hurt Brooke. But now when Haley, whom he was sure Brooke has shared many things back in senior year, it hit him. He always caused her pain. And that thought killed him. He hurt her again back then. He made her vulnerable and opened the old wounds. And when he thought about Brooke hurting, especially again because of him, he hated himself. Then, he suddenly heard Haley's voice again.
"Lucas, can I ask you a question?"
He nodded, still thinking about Brooke.
"How do you feel about that night? Do you regret it?"
He stayed silent for a while. He knew the answer of the second question. But what about the first one…
"I regret the mess it's causing now. I regret hurting both Brooke and Peyton. But no, I don't regret that night. I know it sounds stupid and strange, but I cherish it, it is special. I don't know. I can't explain it, Hales. I just now that night a dream came true for me and Brooke was there with me and it was an amazing night. All of it."
Haley looked at him with the "I have something in my mind but I won't tell you" look, combined with sympathy.
"It's gonna be ok, buddy."
He hoped so.
*-*-*
Brooke was home. She had called Millie to take a day off. She just couldn't go to work with so much going on with Victoria, Peyton and Lucas. She looked at her Anna, who was playing with some toy, completely carefree and happy. That made Brooke smile. At least her little girl was ok. Brooke couldn't help but notice how attached she and Lucas were getting to each other. And last night Lucas took care of her as a father would do. She sighed. She couldn't lie to herself anymore that it was the right decision to keep it a secret back then and to lie to Lucas. It was the wrong decision and she has already known it deep inside. Anna was his daughter, his flesh and blood and he had the right to know. She had no right to deprive a daughter and a father. And now like fate was pushing her into telling the truth. But how could she? Now, when everything was so messed up with Victoria, Peyton and Lindsey. Lucas already had so much stuff going on, how could she turn his word upside down now? Not now. But one thing Brooke was sure about now: secrets never kept hidden for too long. Eventually they were always revealed. She would tell him eventually. But not now. When? When it was the right moment, whenever that was going to be.
*-*-*
Lucas was home. He had so much going on in his mind that he felt like he would explode. The situation with Peyton, the break-up with Lindsey, and Brooke… And his conversation with Haley only confused him more. He felt like she was not telling him everything, he was almost sure. But what could she be possibly hiding? He didn't know.
He heard someone knocking at the door. He opened and smiled.
"Lindsey…"
But when he looked at her eyes, he knew this was no good.
"Hi, Lucas. I came for the rest of my stuff. Can I come in?"
He froze. He knew she was still hurting even though she had no reason, but still when he heard her say it, it was painful.
"Linds, please…"
"Lucas, don't make it harder. Please, let me go. It hurts enough now, let's not make it even more painful. So now can I come in?"
He let her come in and looked at her packing her things. He didn't want her to go. It was true it was not the same, but they have been together for two years and that was not something you could watch slip away through your hands without hurting. He could see tears in her eyes. Maybe there was stil hope…
"Linds, please, listen to me. The book, it has nothing to do with Peyton. I know she drives a Comet, but there is no relation. And even if you are right and the book is about more than just a boy and a comet, it's no way about Peyton. I don't love her, Lindsey. You're my girl."
She looked at him, still crying.
"I love you, Lucas. More than you know. That's why I'm letting you go. It's better for both of us. Otherwise it will be more painful for both of us. You have already met the one for you long before I knew you, and I can't fight destiny. I should have known it from the beginning."
With those last words, she turned around and when she was almost gone, Lucas spoke again.
"Lindsey… I'm sorry."
"Me too, Lucas. But sorry is never enough. You should know it."
And the door shut after her. Lucas sat on the bed and put his head in his hands. It was really over. This time he was sure. He knew Lindsey too well. She was probably leaving Tree Hill with the first flight to New York. And he was left again alone. And once again he could only say he was sorry, nothing more. And as she said, it was not enough. He knew it too well. It wasn't enough to make Brooke stay, it was not enough to make Lindsey stay either. Lucas smiled a bit. Why? Because he realized how similar this situation was with one that took place in this very same room 5 years ago. Then again a woman he loved left him and he couldn't say anything and both these break ups were because of peyton Sawyer. Oh, yeah, he was sure Brooke broke up with him because of Peyton. And now Lindsey. History had the habit of repeating itself. But something was different this time. First, when Brooke broke up with him and he got closer to Peyton, the peace of him that was asking "What could have been" woke up. Now that peace didn't exist anymore. He knew what it was to be with Peyton Sawyer. And it was great. But he didn't want it anymore. Ever again. Second, he didn't felt so desperate and crushed like the previous time. Not that he didn't hurt at all, because he did. And not that he wanted to feel the pain he felt when Brooke broke up with him again, because he didn't. This pain was something he wouldn't wish even to his worst enemy. It was so consuming and burning he felt like he couldn't breathe. But it surprised him that it hurt less this time. There was a reason probably, but he couldn't figure it out.
He looked around the room which was now without Lindsey's stuff and looked emptier. A picture caught his eye. The same one he looked when he started writing "The Comet." Nathan and Haley's second wedding. He remembered the times when it was just the 5 of them, always there for each other, still in high-school, still kinds sometimes. The looked so happy, even though that day turned into hell later. They haven't been like that in a long time. But maybe there was still hope they could be. Someday.
*-*-*
Brooke was playing with Anna when the front door opened. She turned around and saw Peyton, who sent her a hateful look. Brooke knew that they had to talk about and whatever was going to come from the conversation, it was not good for Anna to see. So she took her to her room, kissed her forehead and whispered:
"Everything's gonna be ok, right?"
Then she went into the living room where her best friend was waiting for her. She looked angry and her eyes were full of pure hatred. Brooke couldn't believe this was happening. After 15 years of friendship and so many stuff they went through, she now saw that in Peyton's eyes. The blond began speaking.
"I came here to give you this…"
And with that she throw her keys on the table.
"And to take my stuff. There is no way I'm staying here even one more night."
"Peyton, please, talk to me. I know how you feel and …"
"Really, Brooke? You know how I feel? You know what is like to find out the man you thought was the love of your life screwed your so best friend right after he broke up with you, but before that proposed to you? I doubt that you know."
"You are right, I don't know how that feels. But I know what is to feel betrayed by the only two people you trust and love."
"Oh, stop throwing that to my face! You are such a hypocrite. You accused me in being a whore, a backstabbing two-faced bitch and many many else, but you are the one who slept with Nathan while we were together. You are the one who slept with Lucas 24 hours after we broke up, knowing why we did. And you knew it was not over back then. And on top of all that, you are lying to everyone about your own daughter. Yours and Lucas' daughter! How do you live with yourself?"
"Peyton, don't put Anna into this. She has nothing to do with her. It's just between you and me, and Lucas. But mainly you and me. You know I'm sorry for hurting you and I have it was not fair to you. But we've been through so much and we've survived it. Please, Peyton. You have to forgive me. I need you to. Come on, P. Sawyer. Hoes over bros, right?"
"You are really saying this? Do you hear yourself? Why didn't you think of hoes over bros 3 years ago? How could you do this to me, Brooke? You knew how much he meant to me…"
"Oh, I know. Believe me, I know how deep Lucas can get into someone's heart. And I know how much it can hurt. Remember, Peyton? Junior year. Senior year. I loved him so much, Peyton. With my whole heart, with my soul, with my mind, with my body, with everything I had. You two were my whole world. And then you both hurt me. And I lost you both. Believe me, Peyton, I know how much it hurts. But you know what happened both times? I missed my best friend. My P. Sawyer. I knew that no matter what, you were my family. And I couldn't take it without having you for a long phone talk, or shopping, or comforting me, or teasing you about the noise you call music. I loved you too much to let anything or anyone to come between us. Peyton, please…"
The blond looked at her with cold eyes and just said:
"I'm going upstairs to pack my stuff."
Brooke watched as her best friend got to her room just to take all her stuff, move out and end a 15-year-old friendship. And this was tearing her apart, it was breaking her heart into numerous peaces. But she couldn't do anything else.
Peyton came back and started walking to the door. When she was just next to it, she turned out to look at Brooke.
"Just tell me one thing. Why? Was it because you were drunk, or it was because you were horny or as some sick kind of payback? Why, Brooke?'
Brooke knew the answer, but couldn't answer. She wouldn't tell anyone. Ever. Least Peyton. But she couldn't lie. So she just remained silent.
"Come on, don't you think you owe me at least this?"
Brooke continued looking down, tears in her eyes. She was afraid would realize the truth and was afraid of her reaction. But maybe it was for the best...
Then she heard the door shut. Peyton left. And Brooke cried. She cried for long minutes, then she went to the other room and took Anna.
"Hey, baby. We are going to this special place, you remember?"
*-*-*
He was sitting on a bench on the Rivercourt. He was thinking about the mess his life has turned into. Then, he heard the sound of heels on the court and looked up to see how was there. And he saw Brooke and Anna. This made him feel better. He smiled at them and soon they sat next to him. He took Anna in his arms and lifted her in the air.
"How is my favorite little girl? Did you tell the witch what I told you to?"
She laughed and said with her little beautiful voice.
"Yep, and she gone."
"I told you!"
Brooke looked at them and smiled. It was the most beautiful sight ever. Lucas and Anna together. When she was looking at them, everything else seemed thousand of miles away.
Soon, Anna decided she wanted to paint in her album and she sat next to Brooke and for a while, they just watched her. Then they looked at each other. For a while they remained silent. After that Brooke spoke:
"Peyton took all her stuff and moved out."
Lucas smiled ironically.
"So did Lindsey."
They looked at each other, and then Brooke rested her head on Lucas' shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her. And they just stood there. It was a beginning of a new period for both of them. A hard one. But they were going to get through it together. No matter what, together.