Lyrical Melodrama Story Contest
Name of story: Right before My Eyes
Pen name: Lovedforeternity
Song story is inspired by: The Search Is Over
Artist: Survivor
Category: Bestseller
Main Pairing: Edward and Bella
POV: EPOV and BPOV
To read the rest of the entries, go to the Lyrical Melodrama Story Contest on the website/forum.
If you want to see the rules for this contest, go to the website.
If you have any questions about the contest, contact them either via PM or their email:
www (dot)thewriterscoffeeshop(dot)com
A/N- Thanks to my wonderful Beta's Keepingupwiththekids and Clarisa. You both have so much faith in me and it touches my heart. Thank you for that!
Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyers owns these wonderful characters. I don't.
Here is chapter 3 of 5… I think the boy may be getting a clue, but what does Bella think?
Now what?
EPOV
The alarm sounded loudly and I turned it off quickly. I wasn't sleeping when I heard the offensive beeping because I had barely slept after my realization the night before. Bella! She had consumed all my thoughts. I tried to turn off my brain and count sheep or think about the stock market, but nothing worked. I had wanted to forget my stupid homework and pretend that I didn't know what I now knew.
Last night I tried to deny my discovery. I thought of all the reasons that I would have subconsciously described Bella during my homework. I came up with a list of good reasons that it could have happened. First, she was the only woman that I was friends with and I respected her. Secondly, I had spent more time around her more than any one woman in the last five years, and lastly, I knew her well and I figured that she was just clearly in my thoughts. I also knew I was full of shit as I attempted to scrounge for more reasons about why I described Bella as my perfect match.
I looked over them so many times that I had the list memorized. I tried to go back over it and take out everything that I could live without in a mate, and I ended up crossing out absolutely nothing. It pissed me off because I went into this process trying to do the right thing. I just wanted to play and now I was exhausted from a whole new dilemma. What was I supposed to do with this information? I mean, it was not like I had a chance in hell with Bella. She practically hated me. She doesn't respect me….with good reason, plus she thinks I am a loser. Now that I had discovered that I wanted her, I was doomed to a lifetime of rejection and pain. I thought therapy was intended to help you with your problems, not create more.
I sighed loudly, finally getting out of bed. I hurried to the shower, hoping that the hot water would wash away the last few hours. It didn't, because as soon as my thoughts went to Bella, I felt myself grow hard.
"Shit!" I yelled as I turned the water to cold.
It's not that I hadn't ever gotten hard thinking about Bella. When I first met her, I think I had a constant hard-on for two years. She always looked so hot and the best part was that she didn't even know it. I've had spent plenty of "me time" thinking of Bella over the years. I'd pictured taking her in every position of the Kama Sutra and even some new ones that I made up in my head, and I had released several million of my little swimmers fantasizing of being inside her. Now that I knew that she was my perfect woman, it felt kind of dirty and disrespectful. The cold water took care of my problem, but made me a little crankier.
When I glanced at the clock and noticed the time, I took a deep breath. Bella had probably not left her house yet and I wanted to call her and tell her that I was going to drive myself. Not trusting myself to see her, I worried that I would say something that would give away my recent epiphany. I really wanted to talk to Angela without worrying about seeing Bella after my appointment. My mind was jumbled and I didn't even understand what any of this meant. I just needed answers.
I dialed Bella's number, and when she answered, I felt a slight tightening in my stomach when she answered the phone.
"Hey Edward, what's up? I was just about to head over."
"Yeah, well, I'm glad I caught you. I'm going to take the Volvo today. I'm almost ready, so you can go back to sleep or take care of some of your other clients," I said. Shit, I'm not sounding like myself. She's going to know something is strange.
"Edward, are you okay? You are going today, right?" Bella asked.
"Of course; I did my homework, so I have to turn it in." I laughed, trying to act normal.
"Okay, well, I guess I will see you tonight then. Esme says we're having game night, and since you are my partner, I'll spend the day thinking of ways we can cheat." Bella quipped with a laugh of her own.
I loved the sound of her laughter. It was hard not to smile. Bella and I had had many game nights with my family and we always won; of course, we always cheated, but we always made it very obvious that we were doing it, and it had become a running joke in our family.
"Sure… well, I guess I will see you then," I said, trying to get off the phone. I knew that I wasn't being normal with her and I didn't need her asking any questions, considering that I didn't have any answers.
"Ok, well, good luck; I hope you get a good grade on your homework," Bella teased.
"Thanks, Bella… for everything," I returned and quickly got off the phone.
I suddenly felt a pain in my heart just knowing that I would never be with her. The thought of Bella taking me seriously was laughable, but her ever loving me was damn near impossible. I had seen to that by my behavior over the past two years. As I made my way to my car, I thought about all the meaningless sexual encounters I had participated in over the last few years. In actuality, I rarely slept with women, but I never turned down a good blowjob. I winced at the thought of all the faceless women who had gone down on me. It didn't matter where; they just wanted to say that they had my dick in their mouth at some point and my asshole persona never said no.
I tried to think of the number of women that I had actually fucked, but there weren't as many as most people would figure, given my reputation. Still, there was no way of telling what Bella actually thought of my escapades. I'm sure that she thought I had slept with hundreds of women, but really my number was at nine, which was still high considering I was only twenty- five-years -old. I briefly wondered about Bella's number. How many men had been allowed to touch her beautiful skin? How many men had seen her face when she came? A deep flash of pressure was imbedded deep in my chest at those thoughts. I quickly pushed them away from my mind. It hurt that I would never experience those things with my Bella. My Bella? This has my mind twisting!
I made my way to Angela's office and the butterflies started again. I wanted to tell Angela what I discovered, but I wasn't sure that I would. I mean, I knew that I was only fulfilling my obligation to Mr. Bowlen by attending therapy, but a part of me wanted to know what she thought, and the other part of me feared that she would laugh at me the same way that Bella would if she had been able to read my mind over the previous twelve hours.
I waited patiently in the waiting room. I felt hopeless and relieved at the same time. I felt hopeless because I knew I would never have Bella, and I felt relief from the fact that I realized I didn't want to be the person that I had become. I didn't want to spend another moment hating myself. I wanted the people that loved me to be proud of me, and that included Bella. Even if I couldn't be with her, I could at least make her proud of me. I could at least keep my promise. I felt more confident that I would change this time, even if it meant that I pined away for my beautiful best friend forever. I really am a drama queen! I smiled at Bella's words from the day before.
Angela came through the reception door, and greeted me with a smile.
"How are you this morning, Edward?" she asked as she led me back to her office.
"I'm fine, just tired," I replied as I made my way over to the couch and sat down. I gripped my notebook tightly and tried unsuccessfully to relax.
Angela sat across from me again, her body facing mine. She sensed my discomfort and she smiled.
"Edward, I just want you to know that you are doing well. Yesterday you really opened up and that is the hardest part. I see that you did your homework," she stated while nodding toward the notebook still clutched in my hand.
"Yes," I said, waving the notebook around before placing it next to me on the couch. My hands were sweaty and I subconsciously wiped them on my jean-covered thighs.
"Great! We will get to that later, but first I would like to talk to you about when you first started changing your behavior. Do you remember specifically what was going on in your life at the time when you started going out and partying?"
I relaxed my body against the sofa and tried to think about what was going on. I remembered being overwhelmed after a playoff loss that sent our team home for the season. I had played my worst game ever.
I went over that memory with Angela. She listened intently and asked me some questions about that day.
"After the game, what did you do first?" she asked.
"Well, it was a home game and I hit the showers and went to meet with my family. I knew that I wasn't going to be good company. I could see the pity in my mom's eyes and I hated that moment. I just wanted the previous four hours to do over. I was pretty down."
"So did you talk to your family?"
"I did and they decided that we would have a quiet night at home. Alice, my sister, called Bella and she agreed to meet us at the house. Bella was at the game, but I didn't see her there. She said she wanted me to have time with my family."
"Okay, so you all went back to your house?"
I nodded and continued.
"I started drinking and I talked to my brother and my dad while the girls made dinner. I remember really just wanting to go to sleep and forget about the day, but I could tell that my family was worried about me. So I stayed up and hung out with them while I mentally went over every single mistake I had made during the game." I thought of that day and dread filled my heart.
"Angela, I'm not sure that this night made a difference, I don't know how going back this far is going to help."
Angela nodded her head, letting me know that she heard me.
"You are right; it might not help, but sometimes it's good to go back and discuss the feelings that you had around the time your behavior changed. Sometimes you find that you don't remember things as clearly as you first thought. Just bear with me, Edward," she implored.
I shrugged my shoulders and continued.
"Okay, well, at dinner we just ate and talked. Bella was unusually quiet and I thought she was just giving me space. She has always been great in knowing how to handle me, but then I noticed that she was grinning a lot and so did my sister."
I took a deep breath and looked down at my hands as the memories of that conversation came flooding back to my mind.
"So did you find out what was on Bella's mind?" Angela asked with curiosity
I took another breath and reluctantly nodded.
"Yeah, it turned out that the man that she had been dating had asked her to move in with him. She was giddy and happy and it pissed me off that they were talking about it after the game. I thought that they were going to be supportive, but we had to listen to an hour of Bella going on and on about her new man Jacob. The more she talked, the more pissed I became. I finally just got up and left. I grabbed the keys to my car and I went to an exclusive club in Denver. I just started going out a lot after all of that."
Angela nodded as she continued to write some notes on her pad. The pain that had settled in my chest was reminiscent of the pain that happened earlier in the day.
"It seems like a pretty big reaction. Do you know why you were so upset at Bella that night?"
I swallowed quickly.
"I was pissed off that she wasn't there for me. She was just grinning while I just lost the biggest fucking game of my career. She was supposed to be with me that night, not thinking about that loser, who incidentally ended up breaking her heart!" I said with more passion than I intended.
Angela wrote a few more things on her paper, and then she looked up at me and smiled.
"So, did you find your homework difficult?"
"No, it was pretty easy. I mean, I know what I want so it didn't take me too long," I said, not meeting her eyes. I didn't know if I had the courage to even mention what I had figured out about Bella.
"That's great; why don't you open your notebook and read me your list?" She smiled.
I hesitantly reached for my notebook, taking my time finding the entry I had made the night before. I kept hoping that Angela would shout, "Time's up!" but she didn't. I just stared at the page before I finally started reading the list.
Angela listened intently and nodded as well as scribbled notes on the paper.
"I am impressed, Edward. Your list is very detailed and it looks like you put a lot of thought into it. So tell me, how did you come up with the list?"
I looked at her with a confused expression.
"I just wrote down the characteristics of the person I hope to marry."
"Okay, why don't you tell me about the kind of girls that you date?" Angela asked.
I thought for a minute and laughed
"Well, I wouldn't really consider what I do dating but I guess physically the women that I hang around with are typically blondes who seem to be impressed with my status."
Angela glanced over her notes before she spoke.
"Wow, that sounds like the exact opposite of the woman you described."
I looked over my list again and smirked, feeling embarrassed.
"I guess you are right, and I see why I've never taken any of them seriously."
Angela shifted in her chair and took a small sip of her water.
"So Edward, why do you think you choose those types of women when you are clearly looking for something so different?"
I shrugged my shoulders and tried not to meet her eyes.
"Edward, you know that I can only help you if you are honest with me, and the most important thing is that you need to be honest with yourself. Something tells me that you already have someone in mind. Am I correct?" Angela asked softly.
I knew that there was no way that I was going to leave this office with my secret. I knew that I needed to tell her what I had realized, but I was afraid. I was terrified of saying the truth out loud.
Angela sensed my fear and smiled at me gently.
"Everything you say in here, Edward, is safe. I'm here to help you sort things that you have jumbled up in your head. I think it is important that you tell me everything. Tell me why there is such sadness in your eyes."
I took another cleansing breath before I finally spoke.
"Okay, I didn't sleep last night because I figured out that the list that I made greatly resembled someone that is already in my life. I guess I am a little freaked out about the whole thing. I mean, I even tried to change my list, but I couldn't. I just kept thinking about this one person that I could never have. I don't even know what to do or think. I just want to pretend that none of this has happened." I said dejected.
Angela smiled brightly.
"Edward, I think we both know who you described. Can you tell me why you feel that you can never have this person?"
I put my head down and sighed in frustration. I just wished that I could go home, fall asleep and worry about everything else in the morning, but I couldn't because I needed answers.
I let out a nervous laugh before I answered.
"There are three reasons that it will never happen. She thinks I am an asshole. She thinks I am a man-whore. We also have a professional relationship and Bel--and she would never cross that line. So the whole thing is hopeless. It will never happen," I finished in almost a whisper.
Angela cleared her throat and it broke me out of my thoughts.
"Have you ever talked to anyone about your feeling for Bella?" she asked, finally bring up her name.
"No, I didn't even realize that I had feelings for her until last night, but I really don't know if it means anything. Maybe it is just as simple as me wanting someone like her," I responded.
Even as I said the words, I knew I was once again lying to myself. I knew that there was no one like Bella. She was one of a kind. I looked up at Angela and she smiled softly, somehow understanding my moment of denial.
"Okay, Edward, I am going to give you my impression of your situation and if I am wrong or missing something, let me know. I think that you started to change when you realized that Bella had someone in her life. I believe that you thought that you lost your chance with her when she became involved with Jacob. I think that the person that you have been searching for has been right in front of your eyes. I believe that you were trying to hide your feelings in the form of alcohol and women."
She didn't say anything for a few moments, as she allowed me to process her words. I wanted to disagree with her and I searched my mind for another plausible reason to have changed so drastically. I was upset at myself for being so blind, for acting like such an ass for the last three years. I'd made everything worse. If I had ever had a shot with Bella, I knew that it would have been before I started acting like a man-whore.
"What do you think about my analysis?"
"I don't know; I guess it makes sense, but I am just pissed that I didn't figure it out. How can I have all of these feelings for someone and not realize it? It seems unlikely, but here I sit years later and I regret everything. I don't think that she'll ever see me as a good man again. How could I have been so stupid?"
"I understand that you feel frustrated and hopeless, but, Edward, all is not lost. You need to make the changes in yourself for yourself, not for Bella. The good news is that you're already changing. I see the differences already and you can't predict the future. My advice to you is to make the changes you need to make, so that you can look in the mirror and be proud of what you see. Find that man that you lost three years ago. Everything else will fall into place, Edward. Trust me, you are a good person and very loyal. You have compassion and strength, and talent that others would love to possess. Unbury that man, and you will be amazed at how different your life will be. The truth is, Edward, you can't love anyone fully until you love yourself."
"Look, I believe you and I know that you're right, but how do I act around her? I feel like everything has changed."
"Just be yourself…That doesn't mean that you have to tell her anything. Just make the changes and trust that things will work out the way that they are meant to be."
Angela smiled and stood up. I stood up next to her and she leaned over and gave me a side hug.
"Be proud of yourself, Edward. I am. I am proud of your insight. Keep it up! You're doing great!"
I left Angela and headed to my car. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I felt excited to make the changes that I need to and ready to take control of my life again. I smiled as I slipped on my sunglasses and headed for the practice facility. I knew the best place to start my changes was in the place where I had the most confidence: the football field.
After a grueling practice which mostly consisted of conditioning, I showered and headed for home. Part of me was nervous about game night with the family, but the other part of me was just excited to see Bella. I hadn't talked to her since the short conversation in the morning so I was looking forward to just seeing how I felt around her.
When I walked into the house, I heard laughter coming from the kitchen. Alice, Bella and my mother were in the kitchen mixing margaritas. From the sounds of their banter and giggling, they'd obviously already had one or two. I had to join in the laughter when Alice fell off the bar stool where she was sitting. The room erupted in laughter.
"How are my favorite ladies?" I asked while going to the refrigerator to grab some water. I took a long sip of the bottle of Fiji.
My mom leaned over and kissed me and Alice enveloped me in a bone-crushing hug. The girl might be small, but she was mighty.
"No love from you, Bella?" I said with a small frown.
"You're in a good mood tonight!" Bella laughed as she walked around the counter and wrapped her arms around me. I pulled her in for a close hug and I held her a little longer than necessary. I had hugged her a million times but this time was different. As I held her, I noticed how she fit perfectly with me. Her scent overwhelmed me and I had to fight with everything I had not kiss her. I was consumed by her body and her scent. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything, but I remembered Angela's word and I decided to be patient.
The room was suddenly quiet and I looked up to see my mom and Alice looking at me with a smug curiosity. I scoffed at them while releasing Bella.
"You are right, Bella, I am in a good mood. I had a busy day. I had a great session with Angela and I apologized to my teammates publicly during our meeting. I also spoke to my GM about doing some volunteer work at the next youth football clinic," I said proudly.
I couldn't help but notice the slight slack in Bella's jaw as she processed my words. I smiled at her.
"To be honest, I don't remember the last time I've felt so good," I said laughing at the shocked faces around the room. "So, since I am supposed to lay off the sauce, I'll be in charge of making sure that you ladies get the perfect buzz, so I'll play bartender." I took over at the blender and filled their glasses.
Bella smiled at me and tilted her head as if she were trying to figure out something important. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to ask her if she could ever see us together, but I knew that was not going to happen. I needed to heed Angela's words and make sure that I took care of the changes in me, and I needed to change for myself. I glanced back at Bella and our eyes met. The strange feeling in my stomach resurfaced that felt more like the sensation of being on a roller coaster. I couldn't tear my eyes from her and I didn't try until I saw her blush. I tried to read her face; what was she trying to tell me? That was when I realized what she was conveying… pride. She was proud of me! It was a perfect ending to a perfect day!
I was no longer scared of the road in front of me. I would change, and I would be the man I know that I am meant to be. One day, when I was less broken, I knew that I would fight for her. I just hoped that it wouldn't be too late.
A/N- Okay… I have never been one to beg for reviews, and I won't start now, but I would appreciate your feedback. Every review means the world to me. So just click that little button and tell me what you think Edward should do to win Bella's heart! Do you think it is too late?
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