Chapter 2: Carly…
Author's Notes: I don't own iCarly or Until We Bleed.
Doors slam…"You better be back soon!" Freddie calls from behind me.
I close the door, not wanting to open it again. I don't want to say one more thing to him, but at the same time I want to say everything to him. I don't want to let him go, but at the same time I feel like I have to.
I sit down on the couch next to Carly.
"What's going on, Sam?" she asks the moment I sit down. "I saw Freddie hit you this morning, but I thought you guys were so happy together."
Yeah, no chizz Carly, of course you saw us. It wasn't the wind watching us. Sometimes I think Carly is part of a tiny children's show, so she says stuff we already know.
Lights black…I cry into Carly's arms. "I don't know! Everything started out perfect, but then he for some reason started getting abusive. First he yells at me for being late for a date, then he says I'll never find anybody else that will love me and I just…" I felt like a three year old for crying like this over a boy.
You're gone…"Aww… Sam," she held me tighter. "I haven't seen you this upset since you were working. You have to break up with him."
"I know," I say, finally agreeing. "I will, I promise." The thing about promises though is even to your best friend, they can be forgotten or broken.
I don't know if I really will keep that promise or not. Because after all that we've been through, the good and the bad, why break up when somebody makes you so happy? All relationships have their fights, but some of those are still together to this day.
As I leave her house, I realize he's gone back to his. I wonder if he's ripping pictures as we speak or writing a story where I die forever.
Come back, stay gone…
I go into his room. "Okay Freddie, I've had it. You've treated me like a slave for too long. We have to break up." I can't believe I'm actually doing it. I'm breaking up with the only guy to like me since the break-up with Pete.
It seems like no matter what I do, all my boyfriends end up being mean to me, or I'm mean to them. Jonah cheated on me with my best friend, or tried to, and now Freddie is abusing me physically and mentally.
You know, before we got together, I would've been having the time of my life right now. Insulting him, getting easy revenge, but this time is different. It isn't the old Freddie who I played games with but was there for in the end.
Stay clean…He's not doing what the dating abuse videos we watched in health class said he would do though. He's not offering to or saying, "Nobody breaks up with me", he's just sitting there with a suddenly sad face.
"Oh," he looks so sad sitting there.
Suddenly, I know I can't do it. As much as I don't want to admit it, he's not going to let me break up with him. Whether he uses words or tears, he's going to always remind me. I start to walk away anyway, doing all I can to hold back the tears.
I need you to need me…He turns around one more time. The look in his eyes is so fiery I don't know what to think. Am I supposed to say anything else? Am I supposed to try to make things better, or go back to him again? I try to keep walking, but I can't.
So we're bound to linger on…He grabs my arm and forces me back. "Nobody breaks up with me."
Apparently I was wrong when I thought he was different. I put on the same dead and upset face I had before. I don't know what will happen now, but I have to find some kind of escape.
We drink the fatal drop…I thought I was smarter than the people out there that tried this. I'm home alone in my room. I've kept this knife for a long time, not knowing its purpose.
Now I know its purpose. I stick it right through my arm, then without a sound, tears fall from my eyes.
This mark of blood is a mark of how I feel inside. Forgotten, betrayed, like I really don't matter to anybody in this world. When did the sky become so red? When did I start to feel so dead? Is love supposed to feel like this? Do all people result to things like this?
I stare at the mark I made by myself, all because of something somebody else did to me. Suddenly, I can't hold it in anymore. I cry to myself, knowing nobody else can hear. Even if somebody else did hear, they wouldn't care.
As I put the knife down, I see somebody at the door.
I don't dare look up. I drink the beer bottles left over from my mom's party last night. This is the stuff people get addicted to? This gross tasting mess? But I decide it's better to drink all this than deal with him again.
It goes down my system, and I feel different. Nothing looks clear; everything seems like a giant magnifying glass. I have to have more of it, so I stuff 2 more down my system. That's all I can take.
They say all this stuff is supposed to kill us with time. I can't wait until that time comes.
Then love until we bleed…I finally face the door. Look who's there; Freddie! Surprise, surprise.
He rubs his hair. "What are you doing?!"
"I'm cutting, drinking, whatever it takes!" I keep crying. It feels as if an impossible amount of tears are falling down my face onto the ground where they will never be seen again. It feels like in every one of those tears is a peace of my heart, disintegrating forever.
"Whatever it takes to do what?" He points his finger at me in anger.
I can't answer him though. It will just lead to more and more abuse. That's the last thing I want.
"Do what?!" he repeats, angrier.
"To get away from you," I finally say. "You were hurting me inside and out, and so I figured if this is the stuff that kills people I might as well try it out."
"You're the worst girlfriend ever!" he says.
With those five words, he gets into my heart more than he ever has before. After all the things he's done to me, those five words have the worst feeling behind them, like finding out your parents are divorced after 12 years of them trying to hide it.
I feel as if my entire body is one giant glass, and he's the one that broke it. Broke it hard on the floor into a billion pieces that will probably take a billion years to get back together. And probably by then it will have disappeared in the very bottom of a trash dump forever.
I grab my knife and go out the door; he tries to hold on to me, but he can't anymore. I break free of his grasp and go to Carly's house. I only go there long enough to say a final bye, and then put the knife down my chest. "Owww!" I cry, as if it will go on forever.
It feels like bit by bit the world is ending, but really it's just me. Everything is finally zipping apart. All the bad things, as well as all the good.
Little by little, memories flash before me. But only enough memories for everything to disappear. I try to convince myself Freddie will miss me, but I know he's going to be happy. I try to convince myself my mom will miss me, but she'll probably be throwing a party with Freddie on the top of the guest list. Carly might miss me, but in the end I know she'll be happy too.
I close my eyes for the final time, and as they say in all the movies, goodbye cruel world.
Sam's Secret