Title: The Wise Stay Single.
Chapter 2: Shenanigans and Canoodling
Pairings: Soul/Maka, Evangeline/Tranquilizers, BlackStar/Blair, Pippin/Wes (:O How'd that get in there?!) etc.
Warning(s): Total insanity, mentions of prescription drug use, swearing, and material that may be offensive to some users or used as blackmail.
Note: Sierra here (Now Fiercest), welcome to the total lack of actual consistency that is TWSS. Be very afraid.
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Soul had never been more terrified in his life, nothing – not even a naked Black Star at 3am, was more horrific than what he was experiencing right now.
"…is this true?"
Soul had now tensed up so far that if a pin dropped he'd probably explode out his seat in confetti filled paranoia.
"Yes." Maka, he'd never been so happy to hear her voice in his entire life… "we've been seeing each other for a while n-"
"Well…well I won't accept this!"
"Papa!" previously mentioned meister whined.
"I'm having none of these…shenanigans!"
"Shenani-what?" Black Star muttered.
"I DONT WANT YOU CANOODLING WITH THAT BOY!"
"Canoodle-what now?"
"How on earth did you all get in here!?" Maka growled, only just noticing the sudden mass of outsiders appearing in her living room.
"Don't worry Maka I'll pay for the window!" the assassin went on, bursting into hysterical laughter, he wouldn't miss this for the world – Spirit was trying not to have aneurysm.
"I-I won't allow this! I'm…you're grounded!" Maka scoffed, Kid set about doing his job as a one man cleaning squad. Where he materialized that feather duster from Soul would rather not know…
"I don't even live with you Papa!"
"Settle down tiny-tits," Soul muttered affectionately, tugging on the others skirt and pretending he wasn't as highly strung as a slinky…
"Tiny…what?"
"Oh boy he's done it now…" Liz muttered, Patti joined Black Star in the random hysterics department.
"My daughter has lovely assets!" Spirit exploded; several neighbours cricked their necks with the amount of double-takes they performed.
"I. Um. Spirit-"
"You boys all think Maka's attractive don't you?!" Soul cast a murderous glance at his 'friends', Maka wondered how quickly she could smother her father to death…
"Well-"
"Hands up who'd sleep with Maka!"
There was a deadly pause.
"…put your hand down Black Star."
X-x-X
Makaslouchedlower and lower in her seat, almost collapsing to the floor before Soul gave her a look that hovered between a great need to laugh and another not so innocent reaction... She looked down to realise he was staring down her shirt.
Immediately she ricocheted back up like a springboard, stiff and ramrod straight, blushing ten shades of red and one that she's pretty sure wasn't invented yet. "That's going to take some getting used to."
"Really? I'm settling into these habits quite nicely." he joked.
"Of course you are." she rolled her eyes, too antsy to come up with anything snappy and clever.
She pushed up the white plastic shielding the window and stared out into the clouds contemplating what horrible fate awaited her.
Why Soul thought it was a good idea to do the whole traditional 'meet the family' shtick she'd never know-Alright, so she knew it was vengeance for making him tell Spirit but still! He would have found out sooner or later, more likely sooner with the rare pieces of gossip that floated around Shibusen.
And really, staying the weekend was just mean on his part.
So really he should have expected her 27 attempts to hightail it out of there and her list of a million excuses. ("I...I think I'm coming down with something!" "It's too soon!" "Papa will kill you if we're not back...Now!" "They're not gonna like me." "I'll kill you Soul!")
Finally he caught her round the waist and carried her caveman-style to the front door of his god-damned mansion.
"You're a pig."
"A pig who's got the upper hand at the moment."
"An upper hand that isn't coming near me anytime soon after this."
She'd doesn't think she's ever seen him move that fast.
"SOUL!"
Well...Now she has.
X-x-X
"Soul...how big is your house?!"
"Well this one is round about the size of-"
"Whoa, wait a minute...this one?" Soul shuffled awkwardly for a few seconds, before spying something out the corner of his eye.
"WES!" an older version of Soul, for some reason carrying a large amount of flour, turned and gave his mini-me a rather curious glance.
"Soul...you didn't say you were coming to-"
"Wes! My beloved brother, my sibling of ultimate wisdom, the epitome of cool and handsome and-"
"How much money do you need?" Soul laughed a little too loudly, slapping the man named Wes round the back almost painfully hard - Maka giggled, accidentally revealing her presence.
"Wes, this is Maka!" Soul turned proudly, the poor girl unsure whether she should curtsy or not.
"Is this the meister you forgot to tell us about so mother had to hire the secret services to track you down?"
"..."
"Isn't my brother hilarious?" Soul tried for weakly, Maka's eyes nearly fell out her skull.
"You have a brother?!" Now it was Wes' turn to look put out.
"You never mentioned me?" He whimpered, generating a rather 'kicked puppy' facial expression, "after all that amazing advice I gave you?"
"You told me to put dad's cell phone in the lake...with him holding onto it."
"I meant the other amazing advice!" Maka sighed, giving the now locked door a mournful glance.
71 hours, 32 minutes and 15 seconds to go...
A moment after checking her cereal box plastic digimon watch to calculate just how much of this shear torture she'd have to take, she found herself suffocating of something crushing her ribs cage and cutting off her air supply. If she didn't know any better she'd think Medusa was still alive and crushing her with her snakes.
A horrible sound rang in her ears at such high frequencies she was sure her ears were bleeding from whatever banshee was shrieking in her ears.
"Ma, let my girlfriend breathe please."
X-x-X
"Oh Souli-kins! Mama's missed you! Wes is so incredibly boring after a few years-"
"I'm right here ma."
"Don't talk back to your mother Soul."
"That's Wes dad."
"Of course it is Alfred, now go clean out the toilets." Maka attempted to subtly sneak away from the eccentric gathering but a steel like hand on her arm made that grand plan totally redundant.
"And you must be Maka!" said girl could only begin to form a responce before she was being smothered by cleavage that would rival Patti's, "Oh you're such a pretty thing, as expected from my only son!"
"What am I? The gardener?" Wes griped.
"Of course not Soul, Alfred here is the gardener - speaking of which has anyone seen my riffle?"
"-Oh we'll just have to go shopping together Maka! We can get our hair done and buy new clothes, OH! There is this lovely little dress shop we'll have to go to! And we'll definitely need to get a manicure-"
"What's wrong with my clothes?" Maka managed to gasp in the few seconds of freedom she managed to obtain. Soul put his head in his hands and remembered why he left this place originally.
"Oh look, you're as flat as a board dear!" Clearly Mrs. Evans had no sense of personal boundaries as she quite literally assaulted the unsuspecting meister, Wes flushed and attempted to hide behind his father and Soul was hitting his head off the wall, "Soul must not get much enjoyment out of-"
"MA!" the weapon roared, "not cool!" Mrs. Evans lower lip began to tremble, Wes thwacked his sibling round the back of his head with a look that quite clearly said 'now you've gone and done it'.
"Bu-but I just wanted. I just wanted to take part!" Bawled the suddenly hysterical woman, who still had her hands on a shell shocked Maka's chest.
"There, there Mama," Wes began to coo, trying to hug his mother without touching Maka in the slightest - which worked about as well as Kid hugging a mismatched rubix cube.
"MY BABY DOESN'T LOVE ME!"
"I love you ma-" Soul attempted but was silenced by another piercing wail.
"Turn off that stereo Soul," Mr. Evans absentmindedly mumbled on his way back up the stairs, muttering about kid's and their rap music as he went.
"WHERE DID I GO WRONG?!"
"Ma, I didn't mean to-"
"WES IS DEAD AND SOUL HATES ME! Oh god had forsaken me!"
"Mama, I'm right here."
"I can hear my babies voice, Soul you have driven me insane! Oh why don't you love me Souly-kins! It's the piano thing isn't it? You hate the piano! We can burn it if you want! Yes! Let's go burn the piano-" And with that Mrs. Evans ran out the main lobby, brandishing a box of matches and a grudge against her second child's musical instrument.
"...I'll go get the tranquilizers..." Wes sighed before a loud crashing noise caused him to dash off after his parent.
Maka blinked.
"Ma! The keys don't bend that way!"
"...So..." Soul began, kicking an imaginary ball of dust and looking anywhere but his meister's face.
"...she's..."
"Insane I know, sorry about that," he winced slightly as the sound of his mother's wailing picked up once more.
"She's like Papa on steroids." She managed to breathe out.
"Heh," both weapon and meister stared at each other for a few seconds before bursting out laughing.
"MA! Where'd you find a flamethrower!? SOUL! HELP!"
"You know...This makes me wonder how the two of you turned out the slightest bit normal." the poor girl commented.
All three occupants of the foyer snapped their attention to her in an instant. Evangeline- the mother of the family- blinked, before preceding to chomp down on Wes' fingers in an attempt to dislodge the tranquilizers. Wes fell backwards, and rolled around on the floor, laughing his head off (which was quite a feet with his mother's teeth still clamped onto his flesh), shrieking, "Normal! HAHA! She thinks we're normal!"
Not realising how stupid her comment was Soul gave her a flat look before enlightening her, "My father is quite possibly deranged and hallucinates that he's Superman who's secret identity is Bruce Wayne, my mother has not only ADHD but is constantly hopped up on sugar and who knows what else, my brother's an emo violinist who bakes cakes covered in flowers and let's not even get started on my problems. How the hell are any of us normal?!"
"Well..." she blinked dubiously, "You're a family. And you love each other anyway right?"
Soul sighed and wrapped an arm around her shoulder before dropping a kiss into her hair. "You are such a dork." He led her out the door and up the stairs.
"Mama, you put down the camera and step away from the chainsaw!"
"BUT SOUL DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY PIANO ANYMORE!"
And that ladies and gentlemen is how moments are ruined.
X-x-X
"Well...how does it look Baby-boy?"
"Don't call me that! Ahem, Well, the perimeter is top notch secure-"
"AH! You need to use my codename! We're doing this properly after all!"
"...I refuse..."
"Come on baby-boy! It's all part of the fun!"
"He won't shut up until you do Ki-I mean baby-boy...god that sounds wrong..."
"Kid's a BABY! BABY!"
"Patti! Ssh! Do you want them to hear us?"
"...fine...I'll say the stupid codename! Then can we get on with this?!"
"Do it properly!"
"...this is...Baby-Boy, god who came up with these?!"
"Black Star."
"Oh yes. Anyway...Baby-boy calling...do I have to?!"
"YES!" Several guards stared at the tree that was apparently having a deep, psychological battle...they'd seen stranger things.
"This is baby-boy calling..."
"I didn't catch that?"
"..."
"Sorry what?"
"SEX GOD! You're a SEX-GOD!? HAPPY?"
"...Oh yeah. Pay up Tsubaki." There was the unmistakable sound of someone forking over money before a deadly silence griped the tree once more.
"Maka better be happy to see us..." griped Liz as she attempted to stop the mortified death god from strangling himself with a leaf.
"Of course! She's got to be bored out her mind! Stuck with boring old Soul instead of the sexy me! Yeah, you're never living this down Kid."
"GO DIE!"
"So how are we breaking in?"
"Oh I didn't plan past sitting in this tree," Black Star quipped, bursting into hysterical laughter - which was very, very impressive judging from the homicidal way Kid was currently staring at him. Liz sighed.
"Looks like we're doing this the old fashioned way..."
Maka smiled as she and Soul danced round the only room his insane mother hadn't demolished, oblivious to the gaggle of idiots sat in their shrubs plotting the gate crash of the century...
Oh boy.
Ding Dong...
"Hi there Mrs. Evans! I am the great BlackStar, a friend of Soul's and these are my loyal followers!"
Now that type of genius takes real talent.
X-x-X
"It's so nice to meet friends of my Souli-kins!" BlackStar tried and failed at not laughing at the name. It was a valiant effort though. "I'll just go tell him and Maka-chan than you're here!"
"No!" protested BlackStar, suddenly coming up with a very evil and very intelligent (gasp!) plan. "We'll surprise him. What room?"
"Up the stairs down the hall on the right side, make a left, four doors later make a right, take the upside down service stairs and its 2 doors diagonaly." She grinned manically.
... "What?"
X-x-X
Soul sat bolt upright, brows furrowed in fear and confusion.
"Neh...Soul, what is it?" Maka mumbled, sitting up next to him. (Get your minds out the gutters!)
"Maka..." She didn't like the quiver of fear in his tone.
"Soul, you're scaring me! What is it?!"
"My spidey senses are tingling."
"What is it?"
"We forgot to kill our friends."
And with that, the walls fell down on top of them.
A/N: ...what have we done? o.O