Title: The Wise Stay Single
Chapter 3: Of Cream Puffs and Cotton Swabs.
Authors:Pip and Fiercy!
Pairings: SoulMaka, VincentSoulMaka, KidBlackStar, WesBlair, MamaEvansFlamethrower and FierceWesPip (You'll have to fight me for him. Groar.)
Warning(s): Gratuitous use of drugs, sex jokes, questionable sexuality, nudity and content that may not be safe for people with more than sane brains.
Note: All I have to say is....WOW.
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"KID!"
"WHAT?!!" shrieked the terrified death god, leaping backwards from the window that Black Star had just smashed through, never mind that he was on the 3rd floor...
"Why on earth are you in a towel?"
"Because it's my BATHROOM and I'm trying to SHOWER!" the now furious boy went on, looking ready to rip that bemused look right off the assassins face with a sponge.
"Oh good so you aren't busy then?"
Think of Happy places Kid, happy places…remember what the 15 therapists all said…
"Of course not," Kid's right eye began to develop a twitch, "in fact I always ask people to dive head first through my bathroom window whilst I'm naked and then sit them down, offer them tea whilst I re-enact Swan Lake in Patti's underwear…backwards!"
"…and you wonder why Noah didn't leave you alo-"
"GET. OUT!" Black Star didn't have a very strong sense of tact or perception into other people's feelings but something told him that Kid was slightly unhappy this evening…
With single minded determination Black Star found himself performing the single most daring manoeuvre ever performed within Shibusen walls, in fact it went down in the Guinness book of world records it was so impressive.
"…nnngrhh…"
"Oi Kid I didn't know you could turn that colour of blue! You match my hair!"
"…BlackStar…"
"Yes sweetie?"
"What are you doing?" Kid went on conversationally, BlackStar grinned as he continued to squeeze the life (no pun intended) out of the future god of the world.
"Well Kid, some people might call this a hug…" Kid logged that fact away for later, "I call it black mail! Smile for the camera Kiddiwinkles!" and with stealth beyond her level Blair leaped out from behind the shower curtain and promptly began snapping as many shots as she could.
"And that," Kid went on as Maka continued to strangle him with her left sock, reminding himself to repress that memory as quickly as he could "is why we're here!"
"...How does any of that make sense?"
X-x-X
"Mom, Dad, Wes, Moron, Asshole, ditzs 1, 2 and 3...and Tsubaki." Soul muttered in a dead voice. "Nosy, uncool jackasses, Evangeline, Richard and Wes."
"Can I call you Dick?"
"Sure," his father whispered conspiratorially, "but my secret identity is really Spiderman."
X-x-X
"A party?"
"Yes dear Souli-kins! Don't be daft, what else were we supposed to do on a Wednesday night?"
"It's monday Ma."
"What's your point?"
"Never mind." he face palmed.
But the poor little billionaire boy was completely ignored for his mother forgo-ed the chance to bond with her baby in favor of getting the scoop from Maka in the most devious way imaginable: dress shopping.
Six hours later Maka found herself wearing a poofy white wedding dress with sleeved the size of her head being simultaneously clawed at by a woman holding a veil and Mama Evans trying to stuff her bra.
After all this the deranged woman stepped back and admired her handiwork. "Hmmm...Still too subtle."
"I...I miss Papa..."
X-x-X
"So...what exactly are you?" Kid glanced up from the ruined asymmetry of the piano long enough to give the elder man a bemused glance.
"I'm death's son, I see dead people." Richard 'Dick' Evans snorted.
"Uhuh and I'm a Wonder Woman." Kid smirked, partly because he enjoyed being right over adults but mostly because ten minutes ago the man had been brandishing a lasso looking for his Amazonian girdle.
"When I snap, you'll be the first to die."
"I thought I was the first?"
"Oh no, you die before I snap Black Star."
"YOSH! Still first on the hitlist!" Wes sighed and gave his miserable younger brother a comforting pat on the head.
"It could be worse..." he tried for weakly.
"Go back a cake Wesley."
"I thought we agreed never to mention that with company!!"
"Well it's not like you try very hard to hide it!"
"I have some masculinity to maintain!"
"I believe you're very masculin Wes-san!" Blair pounced on him, inducing a nosebleed triggered coma.
X-x-X
Finally after about two grueling hours spent attempting to keep his poor brain from having a meltdown Soul was basically doing shots of red Kool-aid.
"You do know that that's not alchohol right?" Kid pointed out.
"Leave me in my delusions."
"Fine, so I'll just tell Maka that you're busy and to go dance with one of those other stuck up rich bastard scythes."
"She will do no such thing!" Surprisingly it wasn't Soul who said this. It was Wes.
"My little brother is not going to blow it with my maybe-one-day-sister-in-law. God he's insufferable as it is! And she's relatively normal!" he grabbed his brother by the collar of his shirt, "Don't you dare blow this for me!"
Soul was left rather stunned, drink dripping onto the pristine carpet. Kid began giggling to himself and Tsubaki attempted to get Black Star down from the curtains.
"...Wes...are you actually...actually getting angry with me?!"
"Just because Shibusen breeds people with emotional constipation Soul Eater Evans does not mean you're going to blow it with the girl who could actually make mother take her attention off me for ten minutes!" Soul frowned slightly, "Do it for ME!"
"So noble, aren't you brother?"
"Hey, you got lucky...I've had to endure 21 years of their undivided attention..." Wes burst into a fit of hysterical giggles before slapping himself round the face with Soul's drink. "Ok. You know what to do Soul."
"I do?"
"Yes. You go out there and lie your ass off about our family being normal whilst I go hide in this closet," and with that Wes pranced away, humming 'patty-cake' under his breath.
Liz sighed, "it's a good thing both of you are so pretty Soul," she finished filing her nails, "or else things would be really tough for the pair of you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just go shmooze Maka or something."
"Did everybody know Maka and I were getting together before we did?!" Soul growled, flinging his arms skyward.
"I didn't!"
"Shut up Kid, you didn't realize your father was trying to marry you off before the fiancees started climbing in through your window whilst you were sleeping."
"Oh...I thought they were just being friendly..."
"And that Kid...is why you get kidnapped and the rest of us don't."
"That should teach him not to talk to strange pedophiles with big books."
"SHUT UP BLACKSTAR!"
X-x-X
"Hi."
"Hi," she glared at her boyfriend.
Her glare intensified when his expression contorted and a weird snorting sound came from his mouth. "Ugh, go ahead."
"AHAAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You like like a cross between a cotton swab that collided with a cream puff!"
She blushed crimson, "Oh shut up."
He wrapped an arm around her waist and ushered her towards the door, still snorting. "What did Ma do to you?"
"It started out as an over-sized wedding dress and after three hours of being strangled by ribbons, lace, frills and the occasional string of pearls it became this intricate contraption your mother calls a dress."
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"
X-x-X
Who the hell uses a ball and chain anymore? Really. It's not like he was planning on skipping out on the party, running upstairs to get their stuff and run for the nearest airport! That was just them being paranoid.
Maka sighed beside him and gathered her own ball weight into her hands and began to walk across the room easily, "I'm going to get a drink," she called behind her without looking. Damn scythe training she could at least move the damn thing, he was stuck to the floor.
"Hey there hot stuff." a sultry voice murmured in his ear.
"Hi," he spared a quick glance at the owner of the voice before returning to scouring the room for Maka or any of his other friends who's murders he was planing.
"Why don't you and I find a quiet place to talk."
"I would but I'm a little tied down." he said, still not looking at the feminine voice.
"Oh, girlfriend? Boyfriend? Wife?"
"Uwah!? I am not gay! So not cool!" Soul protested looking at his apparent assaulter for the first time.
It was a man in his early twenties with perfectly gelled dyed blond hair. "Just come out of the closet honey and everyone will be a lot happier."
"Hey Soul, I took pity on you and got you some salmon." Maka handed him a plate. "Who's your friend?"
"Better question," the stranger drawled, "Who's the cream puff?"
Maka crushed the glass she had been holding with her hand and Soul wondered how fast he would be able to gnaw his own leg off.
"Soul," the already seething meister went on, "why don't you go ahead and introduce me."
"Oh this is-"
"Maka Albarn, demon hunter wielder, death scythe technician, PHD in heroism, girlfriend of Soul Eater Evans, I killed the demon god with one hand." Soul tried to smile but it turned into a horrific grimace.
"Oh...sorry never heard of you Kiki-"
"Maka!"
"Whatever," drawled the stranger, throwing an arm around the comatose Soul and smiling at the now steaming Maka, "could you give us some privacy?"
Isn't this the sort of thing that happens to Kid?! Soul thought desperately, giving the stranger a horrified gawp.
"I-I-Erm...I'm flattered really..." he tried for, leaning so far back he was nearly at a 90 degree angle away from the mad-man who seemed to have no value for personal boundaries, "but I love Maka here and-"
"What does that macho, pastry like mommy's girl have that I don't huh?!"
"Macho?!" Maka spat indignantly, "Now you listen here you son of a-"
"Tch jealous that I can give Soul something you can't ey tiny-tits?"
"Only Soul is allowed to call me that!"
"Help me..." the poor weapon managed to mumble around the vice like grip his stalker currently had on him.
"Who the hell are you anyway?!"
"Vincent de Kamelot, the 4th, voted best looking trillionairefor the seventh year running. And I have great hair..." He sighed dramatically, his hair flopping with his constant posing, "being so sexy is a curse sometimes..." Maka turned and looked around the room for BlackStar.
She may have just found his soul mate.
"This is a private party asshole, how on earth did you-"
"Well Mimi-"
"MAKA!"
"Still a dreadful name, ahem - I am actually a dear friend of Dick and was invited to...how did Evangeline phrase it..." he put up one hand for making speech marks, the other still snaked round a currently foaming at the mouth Soul, "See the glorious first life of two beautiful people bloom. Unfortunately. Soul is the only beautiful one here...so I'll have to make sure the invites didn't lie..." and with that he leant down and pressed his lips to a horrified Soul's.
Maka was pretty certain that she and Soul had had a simultaneous mental meltdown.
"Wesley Dick Evans!! YOU HAD BETTER NOT HAVE HAD A HAND IN THIS!" Soul, recovered quickly and swung around to grab his brother by the collar.
"Maybely...I needed some attention off me for a bit. That okay with you? Ma should be crying that her baby is a homosexual for the next few days."
"BUT IT'S NOT TRUE!"
"So?"
"WESLEY!! FIX THIS!"
"As you wish dear brother." next thing Soul knew his girlfriend was being led away by his big brother and Vincent was doing this weird slobbery thing with his tongue on his neck.
"Eeeeeewww!" He cried, shoving him into a punch bowl, screaming like a little girl and running for the hills. "Bad touch!"
X-x-X
"Good bye."
"Leaving so soon Souli-kins?" Mama Evans pouted.
"We stayed two weeks." of hell. He added in his head.
"So?"
"We were only supposed to stay the weekend but we were too scared of your flame thrower."
"Good bye Alfred! You too Barbara." Dick said gruffly hugging them both closely and shedding only 2.5 tears in that super sexy macho superhero way Bruce Wayne always does.
"See ya dad."
"No Soul! Don't leave me alone with them again!" Wes sobbed into his chest desperately.
"Good byeWes." His brother replied, extricating him from his favorite jacket. "Oi BlackStar, Kid, everybody, let's hit the road. Get out of my bushes Kid no matter how many times you trim them they aren't staying symmetrical!"
"Bye Mama Evans!" BlackStar called, "Your homemade mints were awesome!"
"Come back anytime to visit dear!"
"BlackStar....My mom doesn't cook."
"That's funny 'cause your mom gave me some mints that tasted pretty good but they kind of looked like- zzzzzzzz."
Kid, who he had collapsed on gave them all a bemused look. "I really hate him you know."
"Huh...must have been her tranquilizers."
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE ME WITH YOU!"
"That was fu-un Soulikins!" Patti sang, spinning on her heal, "your Momma's awesome! Can we come again soon?!"
"I'LL BAKE YOU CAKES! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!"
"Don't call me that. And no. I'm restraining myself from-... Maka...?" said meister took a second to admire her weapons wonderful attention span before continuing.
"Yes Soul?"
"Why on earth are you still dressed as a creampuff?"
A/N: the cake is a LIE Wes D:!