A/N: It's daft! It's a nonsense! It's the Black Hand singing and Morris dancing! It could only be my Christmas present to you all! This is a rare chance of me to show off my song-parody writing skills (that would be NONE).
Crisium: If you thought that was ridiculous, you ain't seen nothin' yet!
The Insane Fans
(Shaleez and Havilstein Hoar-Blood enter on stage)
Shaleez: Hello, everyone! With Christmas just around the corner, your auspicious fan-authoress and fanartist, Leona Nette, has made an agreement with the Speakers and the Listener-
Hoar-Blood: She threatened them with mpreg fanfiction.
Shaleez: Shush! She'll hear you! As I was saying, she asked us to introduce this performance-
Hoar-Blood: It was either this or take part!
Shaleez: I thought it was because she couldn't think of anything for us. Anyway, presenting Vicente Valtieri and the Black Hand, in a specially written parody of 'Me Ole Bamboo' and dressed in ridiculous morris dancing costumes!
(curtain lifts and music strikes up. Vicente and the Black Hand start dancing)
Vicente:
The big celebs have bodyguards to protect them from the paps,
And, politicians have secret homes you can't find on the maps.
But fiction people are just ignored, our complaints lie on the shelves,
And there are no bans against insane fans, we have to fend for ourselves!
All:
1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, oh!
The insane fans, the insane fans,
We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Personally, I blame Lachance,
'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Shaleez: Ladies, first! It's Arquen!
Arquen:
I'm the only girl in the whole Black Hand, you'd think I'd be alright,
But once I ate Lachance's guts, all fame is out of sight!
I don't know why they're so worked up; I'd do it to anyone!
And, I didn't know. It just goes to show, how quickly fame is gone!
All:
1, 2, 3, 4, oh!
The insane fans, the insane fans,
We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Personally, I blame Lachance,
'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Hoar-Blood: And, next, the grouchy Dunmer you know and love, Alval Uvani!
Alval:
Where did this Alval/Banus come from? It really gets my goat!
When I get my hands on Alcyfis, I'm going to slit her throat!
And, ReaperRain is even worse, she makes me look so cute,
But, you know who's mean? Leonette15! She put me in this suit!
All:
1, 2, oh!
The insane fans, the insane fans,
We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Personally, I blame Lachance,
'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Shaleez: The second half of the pair, Banus Alor!
Banus:
I don't mind all the attention, 'cos I used to be a loner,
But no one seems to figure out, what is my true persona?
Alcyfis thinks that I am dumb, Leonette thinks I'm a nut,
And it's all too plain about ReaperRain but I don't know who makes the cut!
All:
1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, oh!
The insane fans, the insane fans,
We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Personally, I blame Lachance,
'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Hoar-Blood: Our exalted Listener (cough), Ungolim!
Ungolim:
Now just because I'm a little Wood Elf, they think I'm not fit to rule,
So, they make fun of me all the time, it does seem rather cruel.
I'm Listener for a reason, remember I can kill with ease,
So, don't play around or I shall drown you all whenever I please!
All:
1, 2, 3, 4, oh!
The insane fans, the insane fans,
We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Personally, I blame Lachance,
'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Shaleez: The much neglected Belisarius Arius!
Belisarius: Thanks for reminding me!
I'm almost always completed ignored, is it some kind of curse?
Or else, I'm just a comic relief, I don't know which is worse!
In one, I am a cleaning freak but what gets to me the most,
That Leonette girl, in all a whirl, she made me scared of ghosts!
All:
1, 2, oh!
The insane fans, the insane fans,
We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Personally, I blame Lachance,
'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Hoar-Blood: The kickass cat, J'Ghasta!
J'Ghasta:
At least, I'm not the comic relief, you've got be grateful for that.
At least I've got some respect, and no jokes have come about cats!
There's just one thing that gets me mad, there's this one thing I read,
That called me Mr Fluff! That's about enough! I'll have Cerviero's head!
All:
1, 2, 3, 4
5, 6, 7, 8, oh!
The insane fans, the insane fans,
We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Personally, I blame Lachance,
'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Shaleez: The much-maligned Mathieu Bellamont!
Bellamont:
It's been hell since I revealed myself, the fangirls want me dead!
But, I'm the most developed of them all; so said my mother's head.
At least they all blame Arquen and I'm left alone a bit.
But, they'll return and then I'll burn, on a fire with my skull split!
All:
1, 2, 3, 4, oh!
The insane fans, the insane fans,
We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Personally, I blame Lachance,
'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Hoar-Blood: We've saved the favourite for last: Lucien Lachance!
Lucien:
I rather liked the attention at first, I really couldn't moan,
But now, it's just got out of hand. I wish they'd leave me alone!
They kill just to get me in their rooms, they wrestle me to the mat,
And, once I'm dead, they're out of their beds, and chasing the Septim brat!
All:
1, 2, oh!
The insane fans, the insane fans,
We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
Personally, I blame Lachance,
'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!
(music stops and the curtain falls)
Hoar-Blood: Alright, Nette! We've done the show!
Shaleez: Yeah! Now, unlock the doors! And, don't even think about putting this on the Internet.
Leonette15: (aside) I promise nothing...
Arquen: Uh, I'm dead! So much dancing!
Ungolim: Don't fall on me!
J'Ghasta: Oh, well done, Arquen. You crushed the Listener.
Belisarius: Don't bother. She's asleep already.
Bellamont: Where's Mother? Oh, that evil Leonette kidnapped her!
Banus: I rather liked that. The audience certainly liked it!
Lucien: Who cares if the audience liked it? They're all fangirls.
Uvani: And, written by a fangirl too! Those lyrics were awful!
Lucien: And, these bloody costumes!
Uvani: For once, we agree on something. Right, everyone give me your costumes after this. I'll burn them!
Banus: Aw, can't I keep mine?
Regardless of Banus, all the costumes were burned and it was generally agreed among them never to mention this again. Of course, the fangirls had other ideas...
A/N: