Title: The Wise Stay Single
Chapter:Staggering Strip-o-grams
Warning(s): Drinking, allusions to prostitution, frivolous displays of protective violence (yes I am aware that that makes no sense) and... get this guys: An actual plot!
Pairings: Tequila/Kid/Noah, BlackStar/PotPlant, Wes/RandomStripper, Maka/Whatever-remains-of-Soul's-Sanity, Tsubaki/WeddingList.
Note: ZOMG two updates in one evening?! C'est possible!? Well duh, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this. Anyways, this is...odd. To say the least. I have no idea how we came about this idea but hey we're almost there! Wedding and honeymoon to go :D Hold onto your hats, death gods and sanity folks, do not stand up while the fanfic is in motion - and yes, you will get wet.
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Maka was shuffling a stack of test scores from her last class of the day absently when it happened.
She had been at her desk sitting in the dark empty classroom, lit only by her dimming desk lamp who's light bulb she hadn't gotten around to changing yet, the cast shadows of all the knickknacks and other assorted miscellaneous littering her desk in (thanks to Kid) perfectly aligned symmetrical order, onto the floor and desks closest to her.
The only preceding warning she had that something was amiss was a quiet, almost imperceptible click and the scraping of something metal being dragged across linoleum before she was pulled backwards from her chair and soundless darkness fell around her like water.
X-x-X
Soul was just turning off the propane fire of their stove and removing the frying pan of scrabbled egg when he heard a knock at his door. He refused to set the still hot pan down on the granite counter tops for fear of what Maka would do should it burn so he set it atop a pile of wedding magazines and frilly fabric books that Liz, Kid and Patti had systematically snuck in (Which really wasn't smart on his part).
He rolled his aching shoulders as he answered the door but before he could see who was behind the oak wood of his apartment something smashed over his head and he could have sworn he heard the sound of breaking glass before he knew no more.
X-x-X
The pair woke up side by side with restraints around their wrists and blindfolds over their eyes. Soul groaned while Maka grit her teeth against the pain throbbing in her temple.
"Oh good! You two are awake." A frighteningly familiar voice startled them, shouting above the light buzzing din of the confusion around them.
Suddenly the black cloths were removed and all the couple could see was blinding light and flashing colors.
"I'm not entirely sure this was legal BlackStar." a quiet voice that the still semi-blind recognised worried.
"Someone as big as me is above such small technicalities like the law! Yahoo!"
No sooner did their friend have their (possibly drugged) ears ringing did an enormous roar provoke what they suspected was blood to drip from their ears.
"CONGRATULATIONS!"
The shout reverberated off the marble floor of shibusen's great hall making the meister and death scythe cringe and twitch to the point that they both resembles deformed sourpusses.
"What's our strategy?" Maka demanded of her fiance (is it weird that she inwardly screamed at the notion?) panicked.
"Divide and conquer!" he declared quickly, attempting to hightail it to the darkest, least populated corner of the room. He knew full well that if he did so and made no sudden movements then they'd all go for the bride.
"Ooooh no you don't!" she shrieked Maka! Chopping him over the head and dragging him by the collar of his shirt into the hoard.
He could already tell that this was going to be a long night.
"Don't even think about it Mister. You proposed to me!"
He made a face. "Well actually, for the record can I say that you proposed first. Which was seriously not cool by the way." he growled before continuing his shpiel about cool guys like him losing their rights or something of the sort.
"You were attempting it, the message is the same." Soul muttered something not at all suitable for a fully fledged sailor - let alone Maka - and internally curled up in a dark corner to die, leaving his raging tempest of a woman to deal with the equally powerful force of stupidity in large numbers - alone.
"You're so on the couch Evans."
X-x-X
Kid should have been born female. This was the decision Maka came to after having been in his company for well over what felt like 6 hours in a dress store. He was able to tell her size in a single glance, knew what would compliment her shape, knew what was in style - what wasn't - and what would just make 'any person with a IQ higher than BlackStar' curl up into a ball and die laughing.
He was also, Maka discovered, ruthless.
"No."
"Kid I haven't even put it on-"
"No." His golden eyes flashed with malice and the unshakable, unstoppable, undefeated Albarn quietly gave the dress back to the assistant and awaited her doom. Apparently her - the bride's - opinion was on the same level of values as handing out home-made cookies to Asura. Honestly, this was far from the sobby, tear-jerking moments that happened in the movies. Where was the moment of realisation?! Where was the old 'the first dress you put on is the one?'
With a huff Maka pushed one of the dresses Kid had got out for her onto the floor. Yeah. That would show him who was in-
"Try this." He handed her yet another lacy, frilly, vile, evil, monstrous, disgusting, sickening, twisted, embarrassing-
"Oh..." she stared in the mirror and someone who could most definately not be her stared back. The dress was black, short and not at all something anyone would expect a bride to wear on her wedding day.
She loved it.
"You should get a sex change Kid."
"I get that all the time."
"..."
X-x-X
Soul wondered briefly if he would ever get his apartment back. When he voiced this his 'friends' all collapsed into fits of snorts and giggles of hysteria before one of them straightened their faces enough to glare at him and answer with a curt 'no'.
His home had been turned into Revenge of the Frills and Return of Bridezilla.
And Maka wasn't doing a thing about it.
What happened to the pre-marital bliss everyone talked about? What happened to the awesome sex?
Seriously.
Soul couldn't help but feel like he got the shorter end of the stick in this situation.
"...what is that." He muttered one morning when he finally managed to drag himself out of the...coach. (His life sucked. Seriously.) and was met with a pristine Kid, Wes, Maka and Tsubaki who all beamed (except Kid of course who just sort of managed to twitch at his entrance - Soul felt honoured) with stacks of paper surrounding them from every possible surface in his former refuge.
Freaking morning people...
"This is your itinerary for the day," Kid replied robotically, holding up a very heavy, very thick, very boring looking wad, before continuing on, "And on that counter we have Maka's half of the guest list, Wes is sorting through possible venues and Tsubaki and Maka are deciding on catering." Soul blinked, glared at the forest that was slowing spreading to his living room and seriously considered bursting into tears.
"What happened to the coffee machine?"
"It was in the way of the transport papers. I had it removed." The way Kid said 'removed' made Soul think of a ruthless dictator that had just obliterated everything that had ever mattered to him via tap-dancing.
"...you did what?"
"It was unnecessary. Just like the television and the-"
"Kid, Soul's kinda stopped breathing..."
"...piano...Soul?"
X-x-X
After a week of torture Maka and Soul collapsed onto the bed, side by side, too strung up on caffeine and over exposure to Kid to sleep and too tired to move.
"Remind me again why we're doing this?" Maka moaned, attempting to roll onto her stomach but not being able to muster the energy.
"Something about liking each other."
"Right...Why'd we do something stupid like that?"
He paused for a sec. "You know...I'm not entirely sure."
After a long silence in which neither of them could think of what else to say something occurred to the once oblivious Solomon Eater Evans. "We could always do vegas."
"..."
Unsurprisingly she was actually considering it.
Then before they could finalise their plan and escape into the night...
"NO!" The door was literally blown open, narrowly avoiding a certain death scythes head in the process, golden eyes were soon joined by varying others - equal levels of vindictive pleasure in their depths.
There was a clinking of chains and the 'happy couple' shrank back into the pillows, avoiding the door that was now sticking out of their headboard as best they could.
"...If we have to chain you to this house so be it but you WILL get married my way and you WILL enjoy it! UNDERSTAND!?" The young shinigami roared, giggling like a mad man whilst swinging the chains round in a perfectly symmetrical arc.
"Eep!!" Was all Maka could mangage, Soul was already a pile of bodily fluids on the carpet.
X-x-X
"Vegas?"
"Promise."
"NO!"
"But I've eaten enough cake!"
X-x-X
The long grueling trial that was the wedding planner's schedule for the bride and groom had passed and the nuptuals were due to take place in two days time.
Everyone knows what that means I'm sure.
"PARTY AT MAKA'S!"
"Yahoo! Time for a stag!"
...The real torture is about to begin.
X-x-X
"...a STRIP club?!"
"...Kid seriously, where the hell do you think we'd end up with BlackStar planning this?"
"...STRIPPING. WOMEN. CLUB!" Soul would have normally put a comforting arm round the young boy, given him a cuddly eight plushie to play with and sent him on his merry way home...
But revenge was delicious.
"It's a crucial part of the wedding process and is a tradition passed down from many generations tracing all the way back to-"
"Oh shut up Wes you just want to get laid!" The older Evan's should have been offended by this comment but since he was in such a graceful mood he decided he'd let it pass...that and a really hot blonde was eyeing him from over the other side of the club...
"Come on Kid," BlackStar whined, tugging the suddenly moutain like boy's sleeve, "you're my god damn chick magnet!"
"If any girl touches me. I'm blowing this place eight symmetrical ways to Sunday." Soul gave him a blank look.
"You're unarmed."
"Oh. I have my ways." The scythe rolled his eyes and attempted to pretend that Kid was just a particularly elaborate piece of foliage, BlackStar was already off toward the stage - dragging a more than eager Spirit behind him. Perverts... was his initial thought, then again that red head did have really big-
"Heya Suga'" an unfamiliar voice cooed in the death god's ear, Kid lurched out his seat and into Soul's lap causing several women to squeal with delight, "Aw is the big ol' death god scared of little ol' me?" Kid wanted to answer 'yes terrifying woman - just like the rest of your crazy gender' but instead his pride as a shinigami only allowed him to go with-
"STRANGER DANGER!" She pouted, putting a hand on one of her exposed hips and sighing melodramatically.
"Aw, so tense suga' you really need to loosen up."
"Trust me, we've tried everything to remove that blimp from his ass." Kid glared at the white haired boy he was currently clinging to, his glare clearly stated 'I will now report everyhing you do/say back to Maka. With explicit detail.'
Bugger.
"Let me have a shot at him," the woman practically purred, Kid only clung tighter.
"Madam I have a very strict 'no touching strangers' rule that I-"
"Tch, tell that to Noah and BlackStar and Liz and Patti and Stein and-"
"Soul! Shut up!"hissed the very nearly frantic boy but Soul had no pity and took to watching BlackStar jiggling like a moron with a pink feather boa from one of the dancers strapped round his head, taking his phone out to video the beautiful moment of blackmail.
"Try this Suga' and ya can thank me later," she winked and handed him a literally steaming, mold coloured drink that looked as if someone had simply scooped up whatever was at the bottom of BlackStar's bath and shoved it into a cocktail glass.
Kid took it, Soul was stunned.
"Alcohol doesn't affect me dear lady so you are wasting your time." He announced dryly after downing the entire cup in one go.
"Oh dear," she sighed, a smirk plastered to her rose coloured lips - blue eyes sparkling with mischief, "I tried my best then." She shrugged, offering him an all too familiar shot class, "but I think we should toast to this sad truth." Kid shrugged and, in a show of how unaffected the boy was, took the bottle of tequila and downed it all with only a few stops for air.
The young woman's grin was so large it nearly swallowed her face.
"...Kid...?"
"Soul -hic- I fee-hic-I feeeee-hic-I-hehehehehe-I feel pweeety!"
"Oh sweet jesus..."
X-x-X
"So we're just doing makeup?"
"Yep."
"And manicures."
"uh huh."
"magazines and gossip?"
"Don't forget the Desperate Housewives/Grey's Anatomy marathon."
"Wow."
"What?" Blair looked up from the Cosmo she was reading.
"It's so normal." Maka shuddered at the oddness of the statement. It felt weird on her tongue.
"Well..." Liz winced a little in preparation. "We might have left a couple things out."
Fan-freaking-tastic.
"Big Sis~!!" Patti sang from the corridor, "They're here~!"
"Who's here?" Maka asked, unable to hide the quiver of fear in her voice.
"Oh, ya know..." Tsubaki said vaguely, uncharacteristically beaming like a predator, "...the stripograms."
Maka's life flashed before her eyes...
...She'd never realized how short her skirt was...
X-x-X
"...are...are you seeing this?"
"Yes. The image will forever be burnt onto my retinas." Soul could only gape in horror next to his brother and blue haired moron of a friend as Kid - tie round head, bottle of vodka in one hand, two scantily clad women draped off either arm - danced round on stage to the song 'Sober' by P!nk.
"Youtube?"
"Hells to the yeah."
"He's," Spirit sniffed pathetically, "So lucky,"
"I thought this was supposed to be my bachelor party." Soul snorted in amusement, "So not cool."
"Well he is your Maid of Honor." The group all shared a unanimous shudder of terror.
"Hey guys you have got to see what Stein did to this chai- Whoa what happened to Kid..." Ox - self-invited member of the group - also took to gaping up at the stage with a mix of awe and jealousy on his features, "I never knew someone could bend that way..."
"I think we should stop him before something really bad happens." Kilik - the only one who had managed to keep his head - muttered, shaking his head and sighing as the young shinigami stage dived into the all to eager crowd. The 'stranger danger' rule all but set on fire.
"Please, it's Kid what on earth could possibly-"
"I'll take whatever that boy's drinking," an all too familiar voice drawled behind the group, a shiver of fear going down the present parties spines as they all twisted round to glare at the one person who could make it worse.
"NOAH!"
"Baby-cakes!" Sang the drunken shinigami - missing his jacket, belt and now adorned with a particularly colourful set of marks on his exposed neck. The god's of irony began slapping their thighs in hysterics.
X-x-X
Maka was in the middle of an aneurysm from the very sweaty, very clearly gay stripper currently humping her leg like a frisky dog when she got the sneaking suspicion that her partner was in danger.
She and Soul were connected by spirit, their resonance so complete now that they were master technician and death scythe that it was near constant. This gave them great insight to what each other were feeling or experiencing even when not in each others presence.
This of course, for a relationship could be both a time saver and the source of many an arguments usually ending in, "GET OUT OF MY HEAD! MAKA!CHOP!" Ah, bliss.
But really in that moment she knew that he really needed her and not in the good way.
Not that she was going to answer to his every beck and call when three very insane and one very well meaning friend were looking at her with eyes that said. "Move and die."
Soul was on his own for this one.
X-x-X
While a suddenly sober Kid was off trying to ditch a very flamboyant and particular flashy looking Noah that reminded Soul suspiciously of a character in a book Maka was reading -coughMagnusBanecough- The 23 year old male curled in on himself and waited for the not-nearly-as-hellish-as-he-thought-but-pretty-close bachelor party to end so he could ditch his seriously uncool posse and sleep. If Maka (and Kid's) behaviour was any indication then tomorrow was going to be one of the worst days of his life.
Wedding rehearsal. Ugh.
He didn't have time to ponder this for Spirit, who was also surprisingly sober, pushed another drink towards him and glared menacingly at him.
"It's time we had a talk, son." he grit out with a creepy smile.
Soul graciously downed the drink. There was no way he was doing this sober.
"Oh really?" He squeaked out, pretending not to notice as his supposedly sensible, law-abiding older brother had a blindfold tied round his head and was dragged into the back room by giggling show-girls, "what about?"
"Maka."
"Oh?" Soul tried to sink into the leather sofa.
And failed.
"Yes. You see, Maka is my baby. My only baby and I need to look after her - you see where I'm going with this?" Soul's answer was silenced as another glass was shoved under his nose, dimly he was aware of the scuffle in the background as Kid was forced to down yet another round of scotch and pink, strawberry tequila and BlackStar challenging a pot plant to a duel but the way Spirit began leaning over the table toward him made it all very unimportant.
"Soul. Have you and Maka...'done it' yet?" What little colour Soul had promptly drained out his features, that was all Spirit needed as an answer.
"YOU DEFILED MY BABY'S HONOUR!"
The bar went silent.
"...I'm...sorry?"
"PREPARE TO BATTLE NAVE!" And with as much dignity as a red-headed, 40 year old drunk death scythe could manage - Spirit leapt out the chair and promptly began choking the life out his future son-in-law.
X-x-X
Later that night Soul unlocked the door to his apartment, still twitching to find himself nose to nose with his fiance. Who, let the record state, did not look very happy.
She smiled a little, wrapping an arm around his waste and falling onto the couch next to him. "I think that went rather well." huh? "No serious injuries, no mental scarring that a couple years of therapy won't fix....All things considered it could have been worse."
After a long, comfortable silence the two stood sagely and commenced with their nightly routine of getting ready for bed at the end of which they found themselves in the same place they'd been when the night began, comfortable and warming themselves against the autumn cold in each others arms.
"Just so you know, I'm never doing this again." Soul told her suddenly. "I refuse to go through another bachelor party, that would be so uncool." he scoffed, resting his chin on her shoulder so that his mouth was next to her ear. "So if we're doing this, this is it. An in it for the long run deal, okay?"
She smiled softly. She knew that this was his macho way of reassuring her. He didn't want her to even think they might end up like her parents.
For this she was grateful.
"I love you too Soul." She snuggled deeper into the covers and his embrace and for the first time in a long time she felt like this day that was looming before them like the countdown to doomsday didn't really seem that awful.
"Yeah, whatever Maka." he smirked, "Good night."
That night she had no nightmares of Kid and wedding dresses, of fights that hadn't yet happened, of her parents or monsters. Her sleep was dreamless and carefree.
For the first time in a long while.
Note:I wanted to show the sweeter side with the ending here. I am not a sap! Seriously, wedding stories can't be all crack. It's supposed to be about them....sort of. Anyway. I'm going to be trying to put in some more fluff (but not too much, we still need room for side stitching humor) in future chapts.
And I do believe this story is coming to a close. I know, so sad.
Well ladies and gents, it's been a great ride!
-Fiercy and Pip