Title: The Wise Stay Single
Chapter 8: With Friend's Like These, Who Needs Therapy...? They Do.
Pairing(s): The usual suspects.
Warning: Utterly pointless crack.
A/N: OH WOW. Not only did we finish our first fic, but I get to be on top! :D. :D. :D. SCORE.
Last time on The Wise Stay Single...
"BlackStaaaaaar!!!!!!!"
"BORN TO BE WI-ILD~!"
"Kid's the Maid of Honor?!" "Of course! Who else could orchestrate such symmetrical perfection?"
"Soul...I think I'm pregnant!" "What?!" "And Kid's the father." "But Kid doesnt have a-!" "WHAT?!" "Maka, how could you do this to me?!"
Just kidding.
This time...
Will Soul and Maka ever be free of their friends?
Will Noah eventually track down Kid?
What exactly is BlackStar compensating for?
And will Soul finally get some?!
Find out in this season's shocking conclusion!
--
The couples were swaying elegantly under the starlit canopy, each and every one so wrapped up in the other that nothing of their surroundings penetrated their content.
One couple, a younger couple, were a little off to the side. She was dressed smartly, her dress short and hair clipped back. He was dressed to kill, his midnight suit and dark sunglasses reflecting the beautiful surroundings.
"...this is dull." She eventually muttered, failing to hide her gag as one man began to enthusiastically suck the face off his spouse.
"Yup." The other agreed.
"Do you think we can go back home yet?"
"Nope." He replied, looking at his watch, "I'd give it at least another few years. Just in case Kid was really mad we ran for it."
She groaned, her head thumping off the wall behind them.
"Can we at least go kill something?"
He considered this, looking at the smooching couples with distaste. "I thought you'd never ask."
--
"Now this is more like it!" Maka stretched, her back cracking a bit as she lay back, sighing in contentment. She looked through the books spread across her knees and grinned toothily as the runs rays bared down on her from above.
"How so?" Soul raised an eyebrow and tilted his tinted glasses down to look at her. "We actually left the hotel room. That's not what's supposed to happen on a honeymoon."
"Maka!Chop~" She cheerfully hit him on the head with the thickest of the tomes, before taking a glance at the sparkling ocean and empty beach. She stood up, plopped down beside her husband-who was rubbing his head in earnest -and winked. "We could go swimming," she preened in a sultry voice. "We've got this whole beach to ourselves, no one around," she leaned closer, her breath hot on his sun-kissed skin, poor Soul looked dazed for a moment. Maka's lips brushed gently against his as she spoke, "We could-"
"YAHOO! THIS PLACE LOOKS GREAT!"
"BLACK STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Their first bonding activity as husband and wife: doing illicit and contraband things that would make Medusa cringe, to their dear, dear friend.
--
"So..." Tsubaki shifted guiltily, the Thompson sisters eyed the beach and Black Star bled on the floor.
"So? That's all you have to say!"
"We're sorry Maka!" Tsubaki cried, "it's just so boring without you!"
"Seriously, the plot stalks you guys."
"So you followed us on our honeymoon?!" Soul snarled, particularly pissed off with the turn of events. God damn it things had finally been going his way! He snuck a look at Maka, her bikini showing off that flattering figure perfectly and-
"Oi Soul, your nose is bleeding." An encyclopedia was once again embedded within his cranium, once he was dealt with Maka turned to the others who were cowering behind Black Star's corpse.
"Alright..." she snarled, flexing her chopping arm, "anyone else got anything perverted to think about?"
Black Star gurgled.
Maka's eye twitched.
--
"So what does one do on a honeymoon?" Kid inquired as they sat around a table with six extra (unwanted) seats. He raised a perfect eyebrow, realised what he had done and collapsed into nervous twitches at his blatant humiliation of symmetry.
For shame.
Soul and Maka exchanged a look, then double taked in opposite direction, blushes on their faces. "Couple stuff." they said simultaneously.
"So I'll assume sexy fun times." Blair interrupted.
Maka promptly spit out her wine, all over Soul's hair while the poor man shifted his pained looking gaze from his wife to his lap before sighing and banging his head against the corner of the table.
This was going to be a long night.
"By the way, we're in the room next to yours!"
Scratch that.
It was going to be a very long night.
--
Soul knew there was something wrong here.
There he was, on his honeymoon. Lying next to the girl he adored more than anything, in bed, in his underwear yet they weren't so much as looking at one another.
"So..." he ventured, Maka stiffened.
"So." She repeated.
"Do you wanna...um...?"
"I don't know...with the others next door..." As if on cue Kid began shrieking over the 7 towels in the bathroom, Black Star laughing with glee as his hid the eighth one.
"...night Soul." Maka mumbled, burrying her head into the duvet.
Soul growled and attempted to smother himself with his own pillow.
--
"Should we be worried?"
The couple sat side by side at the breakfast table (today they'd had the foresight to find one with eight chairs) and looked around earnestly for their friends. There was a mountain of expensive and delicious looking food. And none of them were even in sight. Under the table, Maka was squeezing Soul's hand so hard that bones were splintering. Neither noticed. They were far too busy jumping at every body that brushed past their table and shrieked at anyone who dared attempt the exchange of pleasantries; such as kindly old strangers, fellow couples, small children and the wait staff.
"This is getting creepy." Nothing good ever comes from quiet. Not in their circle.
"If we find them..." Maka trailed off, gripping the collar of Soul's shirt, nearing hysteria, "I just want you to know I love you, okay?" she finished dramatically, to the chorus of oohs, aahs and cooing delight of the other patrons of the hotel.
Ah, young love, so overly dramatic.
They were unaware of just how serious the situation is, for just outside, beyond the line of cafes and across the brilliant white sand a true war had broken out.
"You shall rue the day you challenged me Black Star!" Kid yelled, slapping the walls of his fort and accidently putting a hole clean through. Apparently sand was indeed rather structurally unsound.
Black Star cackled, "oh yeah pretty boy?! Eat this!"
"Water bomb!" Patti squealed, her sister - too busy catching up on her tan - did not notice the projectile and ended up with a lap full of freezing salt water. Shrieking Liz leapt to her feet, hurling a tube of suncream at the guffawing ninja. The top split off on contact, thick, oily cream splattering over the assassins face.
"MY EYES!" Black Star yelled. Kid smirked.
"That will teach you!"
Black Star promptly ran into his walls, the tsunami of sand smothering all innocent bathers in its path.
Maka sighed. Soul was too busy slamming his head against the table.
--
"Hi everybody! The party can now start," a whirlwind of spatulas, stolen wedding presents of coffee makers and fondue sets, some sparkles and the world's smallest violin imploded right into the inn housing the rag tag group of miscreant honeymoon crashers. "Wes is here!"
...
"Where is everybody?"
A purr. "I'll keep you company tiger."
He probably should have reconsidered the tie.
Figure it out.
--
"I think we should kill them."
"SOUL!"
"No really, listen, I have a plan!" He insisted. Maka raised an eyebrow as she barricaded their hotel room, the wardrobe Soul was sat on top of extremely difficult to move.
"Do," she grunted as she heaved, "tell."
"Right, we get a blender-"
"A blender?" She squawked indignantly, glaring up at his perch.
"Are you going to let me finish or not?" Soul huffed.
"Sorry darling, what were you saying?"
"...I've forgotten the details but we turn them all into smoothies and feed them to the other honeymooners!" He beamed, even as the light of the room smacked off his forehead.
Maka pursed her lips, "Sweeney Todd?"
"...well it's not like we were doing anything last night!" Soul found his head quite suddenly embedded in the ceiling.
--
"1000 paper cuts and lemon juice?"
"Tying them to chairs, using their own intestines as rope?"
"Only if the chairs are made of their own bones."
"We could break out the meat cleavers!"
"Too messy."
"And disembowelment isn't?!"
"Well if all else fails we could stick to the classics."
"The rack?"
"Huh..." she paused, contemplating. "I hadn't thought of that."
"Well, what are partners for?" he leaned in with a raucous smile to plant a chaste kiss on her lips.
It's a sad day for married-kind when the first thing a couple truly bonds over is the possible tortures in store for their soon-to-be deceased friends.
--
"I got them out."
"Gnuuurrr," Soul groaned, yanking the covers back over his and Maka's heads. "What the hell are you doing here Wes and what are you talking about?"
"Soul. Shut up. Sleep. Now."
"Your friends are, as we speak, on a government plane headed right back to Area 51, Death City, Nevada." Wes, like an overexcited two year old on christmas hopping into bed with his parents, leapt on top of them and shoved angel cake down the throats. "Time to really celebrate! Who's the best?"
The words processed.
...
Processed some more.
...
Simultaneously they shot up so fast that they threw the elder sibling off the bed altogether. "They're gone." Maka exclaimed excitedly.
"They're really gone!" Soul affirmed with a whoop.
They jumped up and down on the bed, shrieking and shouting as if the messaiah had come.
Giggle fest~
Wes, the hero, suddenly found himself on the other side of the hotel room door, with nothing more than a "kthxbi." as thanks for his heroism.
He could forgive him though because... well... it was their honeymoon.
Bowchikawowow~
A/N: Soul finally got some. All's well that end's well I guess. Finito. Done. Au revoir! We LOVE you guys. Seriously. It's FINISHED. Months late but WHATEVER.
This seems appropriate though; AND THEN THEY MADE OUT.
It's been a loooong long, ridiculous run.
Does it surprise you that we had absolutely no plan for this?
This is totally unrelated but Pip has a harem. I think she has earned the right to Seme-dom dont you think?
Thanks again for sticking with us guys! It's been an honor and a pleasure...I make it sound like we're at war dont I?
And now I'm ranting.
Ciao Bella's and...Bello's?
Until next time~