TITLE: Songfic : "Don't!"
AUTHOR: Too_beauty.
PAIRING: Alexander and Hephaestion.
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: Historical AU.
DISCLAMER: I don't know the people involved, they belong to History and to themselves but I wouldn't mind sharing my life with him. *sighs*
No beta for this one, so all mistakes are mine!
FEEDBACK: comments are love!
WARNINGS: implicit m/m relationship, angsty and painful moments ….
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The words in BLOCK CAPITAL LETTERS belong to the song "Don't jump" by Tokio Hotel. Few words had been switched their place to fit grammar better.
He couldn't bear it anymore; he had played his part during the ceremony, he had stood right there, beside the groom as his best man and seen how his soul mate got married to another, a Bactrian princess, a foreigner, a woman.
Cleitus caught his eye and after banter, the strong General hit him and a split lip was the result. Hephaestion darted the tip of his tongue out and tasted the metallic flavour of his own blood and he smiled foolishly, at least it hadn't dried yet; meaning he was still alive.
The blue-eyed General walked around, mingling with the guests and some of his companions looked at him with sarcasm, others with pity, only two of them looked at him with a half smile and transmitting in that small gesture that they were there for him if he needed them. Hephaestion bowed his head slightly towards Ptolemy and Perdicas and went on walking, sipping from time to time, from his goblet, filled up to the brim with strong red Macedonian wine.
He felt a pair of eyes following him but he didn't dare to look at them, he knew that if he did look back, he wouldn't be able to carry out his decision. In a moment, when nobody was watching, he disappeared and made his way out, towards that secluded spot he had found before, the perfect place for his purpose. There he started voicing his fears, his wishes, his thoughts, all those feelings kept in his heart for so long and that he needed to let them go before the dark came to embrace him and take him away …
"Here, ON TOP OF THE cliff, THE AIR IS SO COLD AND SO CALM, I feel it caressing my skin, cooling my heated mind and giving me some moments of peace; I SAY YOUR NAME IN SILENCE, afraid of the echo in this side of the top of the world, I know YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR IT RIGHT NOW, you are busy with your bride and her relatives, your guests and the banquet.
THE EYES OF THE CITY below ARE COUNTING THE TEARS, my tears, FALLING DOWN EACH TEAR A PROMISE OF EVERYTHING YOU NEVER FOUND out and you never will because I have given up, my heart will not go on, this is the end, this is goodbye …"
Alexander looked around the room but he couldn't find his lover, he had been trying to spend some time alone with Hephaestion but his wife's relatives were too eager to be with him; the young king knew that all this façade was like a sharp sword through his Phai's heart, he had also realized that his favourite General was not coping with all this well, and now while thinking about this, a memory came to his mind, something that Hephaestion had said, from the bottom of his heart, but that Alexander hadn't given it too much importance because his decision of taking a bride was very remote at the time that feeling was expressed. But now the time had come and that idea was invading every cell of his body: "I don't want to survive in a world if you are no longer a part of it; YOU are my world, Alexander." A cold shiver ran along Alexander's body and he knew he had to find his soul mate before a tragedy occurred. He ran around the banquet place, asking servants, pages and guests if they had seen his Hephaestion and not caring if they realized his face was showing a deep frown and frantic eyes.
Alexander suddenly headed towards the cliff and finally saw him, with his deep crimson cloak flying in the wind, with his arms wide open, like an eagle, and as if he wanted to fly; his eyes fixed in the moon and standing at the edge of the cliff. Alexander knew that he couldn't get very near because that could startle Hephaestion and he might fall, so within a medium distance, Alexander began to speak with a calm voice but filled with all the love he felt for him.
"I SCREAM INTO THE NIGHT FOR YOU, Phai, and you didn't answer me back, DON'T MAKE IT TRUE, this is not a goodbye, please my love DON'T JUMP. THE LIGHTS WILL NOT GUIDE YOU THROUGH, they will not give you the answers you are looking for; THEY'RE DECEIVING YOU, they are clouding your mind and they won't make you feel better; please DON'T JUMP, DON'T LET MEMORIES OF ME AND YOU GO; if you do, we will disappear like the foam of the sea waves when they crash on the beach; THE WORLD DOWN THERE IS OUT OF VIEW, it is not the world we want and dream for me and you; it is not the one that will keep you safe; I am your world, do you remember? Please DON'T JUMP! " Alexander sounded really worried.
Hephaestion took a step forward and let his cloak fall; it fell in a heap and was quickly forgotten as if it were a heavy burden, Hephaestion's voice sounded very low, cracked with pain and sorrow; without turning round he whispered:
"Alexander, YOU OPEN YOUR EYES BUT YOU CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT FOR, you are always in the move, always searching for more and you can't see what is around you, who is by your side nowadays; THE SNOW FALLS QUIETLY but YOU JUST CAN'T FEEL IT, NO MORE because you have forgotten how to enjoy the tiny gifts that life gives you and I have also failed because, not so long ago, I was able to make you stop and see those things you were missing but now I can't anymore "
"Please, Phai, listen to me carefully, you are not thinking at the moment, SOMEWHERE OUT THERE YOU had LOST YOURSELF IN YOUR PAIN and I cannot reach you, you are running away from me and I cannot follow you; we are no longer those boys who fell in love in Mieza but my love for you is still intact or even stronger, but your pain doesn't let you see this today; YOU DREAM OF THE END, I understand that you want to put all the pain behind TO START ALL OVER AGAIN but if this start doesn't include me, what will I do? How will I survive? You know more than well that any man can travel without both halves of his soul … " Alexander's voice faded away, he didn't know what else to say or do.
Hephaestion fell on his knees and rivers of tears fell from his eyes, which were no longer blue but glassy and lifeless; his strong shoulders went up and down with the rhythm of his sobs and his hands, turned into fists, hit the rock repeatedly till his knuckles bleed.
Alexander took the chance and moved forward but a strangled shout made him freeze in the spot.
"Don't come further, Sire, I want to jump, I need to jump, I need to feel my bones shattered as my dreams are, I need … not to need you, I need not to love you because it hurts, it hurts too much and I cannot tolerate this pain anymore, I don't want to be this weak, I tried to be strong for you but this is tearing me apart, I need to die and disappear, please let me be part of mother earth, maybe in this way I can finally do something well."
Hephaestion stood up again, trembling, but he took out his boots and belt and set the balls of his heels on the edge. Alexander moved swiftly and within an arm length, he said:
- "I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN HOLD YOU SO STRONG, I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG so please my love JUST TAKE MY HAND, GIVE IT A CHANCE, give our love the chance to be forever, let me be the other half of your soul and I promise that, as you are now the only owner of my heart, you will be the only one there forever; you are the reason why I wake up every morning, why I live trying to be better every day because you are the one who makes me feel alive, please give me the chance to love you well, please DON'T JUMP, AND IF ALL THAT I've just told you CAN'T HOLD YOU BACK, my love; I WILL JUMP FOR YOU because as you once told me "I don't want to survive in a world if you are no longer a part of it; YOU are my world, Phai." "
Hephaestion looked back over his shoulder and took the hand Alexander was offering; he entwined his slender fingers with the slightly shorter ones and walked backwards till he found a strong chest and a pair of warm arms waiting for him, making him feel safe again.
Nothing else was said between them that night but Eos, while painting the dawn with her rosy fingers, found these eternal lovers asleep together, wrapped in each other's arms and smiling in their dreams.
Tomorrow they would be King and General again, but tonight they would only be two men … two lovers.