Song: Two Shades of Blue
Artist: Rod Stewart
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Cursing and heartbreak
Author's Note: BREAK UP FIC! DO NOT WANT? DO NOT READ! I know I am being incredibly cruel to Ed in this fic, but it'll get better for him in later fics. I'm not sure if it'll make you cry, but I was sobbing as I wrote this. For the full experience, look up this song and loop it.
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Pack your bags and your radio.
It was absolutely shocking how drastically simple words could change whole lives. Ed had never been a man of few words, but he could appreciate the impact of brevity. He never did master the art himself, however. Maybe if he had he could have retaliated; been quicker instead of just nodding stupidly like he did. Maybe if he weren't a man of so many words he wouldn't be in this position. If he had just kept his mouth shut on so many occasions, he wouldn't be so fed up with him. Maybe…
It was no use Edward reprimanded himself sharply, tossing a few shirts into the suitcase. It's no use to cry over things he couldn't change. It was just no use to cry. Not in this house. Not in this room. He shut his eyes tight and forced himself to keep a hold on it. This room would never hold anything but goodness and wonder for him. It wouldn't be a place of heartache. He refused to let it be. He had the whole world to cry in, but these four walls were absolutely sacred.
It seemed like every milestone happened in this room. Ed had just left the military, honorable discharge, of course. He stormed over to Roy's house, demanding to know everything. I'm not stupid, he'd raged, you think I didn't notice you staring, Mustang? He could still hear Roy chuckling. What do you want then? It's not a secret that you grew up quite well into an attractive young man. Attraction is a natural, biological reaction, humans cannot control it. It was something about the last words… cannot control it. It struck Edward just right.
Another night Roy was taking far too long to get ready. Ed waited down in the parlor, complaining about how rude it was to keep a caller waiting. It didn't take long for Ed to storm up the stairs, muttering under his breath about what a girl Mustang was being. He stopped short as Roy shut the bathroom door behind him. There was still water clinging to his hair and running down the back of his neck. Black pants and no shirt and something in Ed's mind just went oh. Roy smiled and crossed the distance, brushing his lips against Ed's.
If kissing Roy Mustang made Ed stop, then he should have known that sleeping with the man would take him apart completely before putting him together again, better… whole. Oh… oh… Roy…
Another shirt and a pair of pants. More underwear and some socks. His boots. He hadn't realized just how many things he had here. Was anything left of Ed's in his own apartment? Unworn clothing he supposed. Imperishable foods, dusty furniture. Out dated newspapers, unread mail, simple, trivial things, really. A fist full of hair ties went into the suit case as well, along with various items scattered about the room. In the bathroom and study he knew there were other things he needed to fetch. He was just pleased Roy was no longer here. That was one of the things that were good about Roy. He never hovered after anything.
"I don't love you…" A simple statement, though Edward's head still spun sickly from the whole smashing realization of it all. It had no trigger, though he couldn't say no warning. Really he had only been playing a waiting game for a few months now. Roy would stay out longer and longer. He'd sit further away from Ed. The silences grew longer and more uncomfortable. It was expected, yes, but that didn't make it hurt any less.
He said what he needed to say. Some would see it as insensitive. Ed knew Roy was giving him the space he needed to comfortably get his things in order and leave. Roy would be back before he left, he had no doubt. He was a decent enough man to see him off, at least. Edward knew that.
You don't live here anymore.
It was like Roy flipped a switch in his brain. Already the house looked foreign. Even when he first entered the house he was comfortable enough with Roy to know he was safe. Now he was tense as he walked down the small hall to the bathroom to fetch what he needed. But that was just it. This wasn't his house any longer. Ed didn't belong there anymore. It wasn't where he was supposed to be and he felt horribly out of place.
Soap, towel, brush. Even his things looked out of place, like stolen objects, placed where they did not belong. He was jittery, anxious to get packed and out before Roy got back. He felt like a trespasser, eager to get out before he was caught.
Next was the study. Ed had brought over a few of his favorite and most frequented books as well as some arrays he'd been working on. It's not like his things were hard to find among the volumes and volumes of fire alchemy. Ed smiled despite himself. Freak, he thought to himself, fire always has been one of your biggest kinks. Maybe this wasn't the best time to think about things like that, but immersing himself in memories soften the sting for the time being. A few books into the case on top of the notes, to keep them from getting ruined by the transport. The rest he'd carry, it was only a short walk to his apartment. He sighed to himself.
He could still remember, even in the heat of summer, Roy would insist upon firelight. Ed could still hear Roy whispering to him just how stunning he looked in the firelight. He looked over at the empty fireplace in the study. Cut it out, he'd gasp, don't be such a girl. But Ed would soon find that he didn't care, between lips and hands and heat. There was simply no room between touches and kisses.
He smiled wryly at the irony of the memory. He sniffed pathetically and arranged the books into some semblance of order in his arms. He took another look around the room before he left. Only Roy's books left. The way it was meant.
Take your time as you walk out that door.
The hallways looked and felt shorter, and within seconds he was standing at the front door, suitcase in hand, ready to walk out the door, out of Roy's life. He sighed shakily and cast his eyes around the front hall a moment. He remembered when he'd visit before he moved in. He'd toss his coat up at the coat rack, not bothering the check if it stayed. It didn't matter. Somewhere in this house his whole life waited for him.
It wasn't uncommon for one of them to instigate something here either. There are numerous times when one of them would just walk through the door, unawares. Within second another mouth was on theirs, hands pleading for something. Ed would probably still find buttons that had been snapped off of shirts in a flurry to remove clothing. He smiled gently at the memories, looking around again, for something.
On that same coat rack hung a long black coat. Roy only ever wore it when it snowed. Still, like the girl he was, Ed reached out for a cuff. Somehow, through the spring and summer, in the dead of autumn, it still smelled like Roy. Soon Ed knew he'd done the wrong thing. Something inside of his snapped and he almost doubled over. He looked around, trying to find something, anything to take his attention. He found it.
I don't cry us any long.
It didn't look like Roy had been crying. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe if Ed saw red in Roy's eyes and upon his cheeks he'd lose it himself. Instead the man stood straight, like the solider he was, and thought for a moment. He turned to shut the door, doing so very deliberately, and Ed didn't miss the way he seemed to study the grain with unusual intensity. All Ed could think was god no don't cry. If you cry, then I'll cry. I want to get out of here with some semblance of dignity left. You're not going to take that away from me too.
It don't matter what you wear
"Sorry I… couldn't find anything clean to wear back at my apartment. All my clean clothes were…" He stopped himself. "They were somewhere else." Roy turned to him like he'd just realized that he was there. Ed kicked himself for his pathetic attempt at conversation. Maybe it'd just be best if he had walked past Roy and out the door. Maybe then it'd be slightly less hard to leave.
"Ah, it's fine. You look… good… you look good." It was forced, like Roy didn't want to give the wrong impression. Ed wasn't stupid, and he wasn't going to cling to any positive thing said as a chance to stay. That was just an obligatory response to keep up some decency. And Roy was a decent man. Ed only smiled slightly and nodded his thanks.
"When are you going to stop wearing leather, anyway? You're almost 25." Ed looked down at his pants with unclear eyes. He hadn't even noticed that he was wearing them anymore. He'd only started wearing them again because Roy asked him too. Would you wear leather pants again if I bought them for you? Ed smiled despite himself down at his boots. He'd laughed then, surly he wasn't serious. But Roy showed up home with a pair, insisting Ed put them on right away. They didn't get out of bed all the next day.
"I suppose… tomorrow," Ed sighed. The words didn't sound like much, but they made Ed's breathing stop.
It's all over now cry.
Tomorrow he'd go back to the trousers and button up shirts he used to wear. Tomorrow he'd wake up alone in the apartment he hadn't been in for nigh on three years. Tomorrow he'd make his breakfast. Tomorrow he'd go to work and actually work without interruptions, like phone calls or visits, requests for early and extra long lunches. Tomorrow he'd come home to a dark apartment. Tomorrow he'd probably call out for dinner. Tomorrow he'd take a shower. Tomorrow he'd get into bed alone. Tomorrow stretched out forever into the distance. What was Ed going to do with it?
He fought with himself not to think of that. Oh god, anything but that. He looked around the front hall again until his eyes rested back on Roy's face. Oh god he shouldn't have done that.
Two shades of blue,
Ed knew Roy was devastated as well. Perhaps in a different way. He could see it in his eyes, the way they couldn't focus on one thing as they stood in the hallway, awkward silence hanging over them heavily. Roy was a decent man Edward knew, and he wouldn't cause anyone any harm if he couldn't find a way out of it. Ed had no doubt, even now as he wanted to run, and cry, and beg for Roy to let him stay, that these past months Roy had been trying, so very hard, to rekindle his feelings. This was the only way to keep either one from hurting any longer.
"Did you find everything," his voice made Ed's nerves jump. Another thing he loved about Roy. He never spoke in anything but a calm, confident voice. It made it easier for Ed to speak.
"Yeah, no thanks to you, bailing on my like that." Ed forced a laugh that hurt his chest. He fought himself to keep from clasping it. Roy smirked ever so slightly, though Ed couldn't tell why.
"So sorry my life doesn't revolve around you," he chided gently, as though he wasn't sure if it was allowed just yet.
"Replaced already? Ouch." Oh god, please no, not yet. At least let me get out of your house, you bastard.
Tangled up in you
But what did Ed care about Roy's love life now? Ed knew it wasn't his to be concerned with anymore. It was just that the idea of anyone coming as close to Roy as he had… five years. Five god damned years you son of a bitch, how do you just say that you don't love me after five god fucking damned years? You heartless bastard. And as hard as he tried, right now, Ed could not force a single kind thought about Roy into his mind.
Have you already got some slut lined up to take into your bed tonight? Tonight you'll scream and tonight I'll shiver? Tonight you'll touch and be touched, and tonight I'll most likely cry myself sick. Ed didn't like to admit it, he wasn't a girl, but Roy had destroyed him. Perhaps not on purpose… definitely not on purpose. Roy was a decent man. He tried to keep Ed in some semblance on control through the whole break up. But until now… until he came back for his things, they were just taking a break. Ed was coming back, after all his life was in that house.
When are you coming back to get your things? Ed hadn't even thought about it before then. He was able to deal with being willingly away from Roy, so long as parts of him were left in his house, in his life. It never even occurred to him to come and get them.
Don't be sad if I say the wrong thing.
"Of course not," the statement took Ed by surprise and he gauged his reaction very carefully, not letting a single ray of hope shine through. He wouldn't be that kind of ex, the kind that hung onto every little thing someone said. He wasn't that useless. Still, he did look up to Roy's face, waiting for more.
"You think I can just throw away five years Edward? That's a huge part of my life. I can't just toss you and everything that happened to the curb like it wasn't. That'll always be with me. Nothing can ever replace that. For the time we were together I did love you. I did, I swear by everything I stand for that I did." He was silent for a long while, his mouth just hanging open. Ed looked away from him and sighed. That wasn't what he needed to hear. It was too easy to misconstrue, too easy to use it as fuel for false hope.
I don't lecture any more.
Roy seemed to get the picture. He closed his lips and crossed the distance between the two. Ed wasn't sure what he was supposed to do when Roy put his hands on his shoulders, trying to convey in one touch all of the feelings they both held. Ed felt them all, every single one. He leaned his head down onto one hand, nudging it up onto his face. Roy complied, if only because it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. There was nothing left for the couple to say. Nothing left to talk about. Roy didn't love, and Ed did. Ed would learn not to, though. He'd learn that there would be another, somewhere, somehow, someday. Roy would get on with his life.
Take a walk on the wild side now
"What now, then?" Ed asked, fighting to keep his voice level as he shifted his suitcase and his books from one hand to the other. Roy only shrugged.
"Whatever you want. You're free now." The irony made Ed chuckle darkly. Free. Yeah right. He knew that his mind, his heart, his very soul was held captive right before him. It was locked forever in an embrace of strong, warm arms. It snuggled happily into the embrace Ed would never again feel. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe if he left with no touches, no backward glances, he'd be able to leave with his dignity intact.
"I'm serious. Do what you want. Live the supernova of a life you deserve with someone young enough to keep up with you."
"Is that was this is about," Ed's voice cracked with the question, "age? In the scale of things 14 years doesn't mean shit Mustang. And who said I wanted a supernova anyway? I've had enough running and screaming and adventure for dozens of lifetimes. All I want is…" He stopped himself. All I want is here, before we grew apart. All I want is to love you, Roy, why can't you let me love you?
Love don't live here anymore.
He didn't dare speak it. There was no reason to. The hand still on his face gave no hint of the tenderness that he would normally mean as affection. There was no love in that hand. There was no love in the lean of Roy's body. There was no love in the look on his face. Maybe there hadn't been in a while, and Ed only wished there was.
I don't worry about no space.
Ed knew that in this particular situation, there were rules and regulations regarding personal space. Ed gave no heed to these things. He didn't care. For a few, wonderful, precious moment he could close his eyes and pretend like he had all his life to stand here and feel that hand on his face. Don't you dare, he thought, don't you dare try and take that hand away. Not just yet. Just a few more seconds. And Roy was a decent man. Roy knew that he needed this. This was Ed getting over five years of love and care and blessing from somewhere. So Roy didn't mind the rules either. Besides, he was used to bending rules.
When all is said and done
Two shades of blue
Ed tried to avoid Roy's eyes, looking instead out the window by the door. Ed had no idea how long he'd been there for, but it was long enough for the sun to set. Again, he smiled despite himself. It seemed he'd been smiling a lot though this whole thing. Maybe that was a blessing.
"What," Roy smiled too, maybe because Ed was smiling; maybe he found something else to smile about.
"I remember, that's all."
"Remember what?" Ed took Roy's hand from his face and held it, just inspecting the palm for a moment before he look up into Roy's eyes again. He shrugged and tossed his hair a little.
"Our first date, it was sunset." Roy knew, somehow, that this wasn't some pathetic attempt to rekindle old fires. He knew, somehow, that Ed was trying to make this easier. Remember everything good about what was and he can leave. Roy smiled again and nodded.
"It was indeed. The first of the summer, if I remember correctly."
"There were colors then, though," Ed murmured, fighting again to cool his eyes down before they began to leak. God damn, he thought, this shouldn't be this hard. I'm not a girl. But he couldn't help but think about how this was the perfect sunset for this moment. Blue. Blue inside, blue outside.
Tangled up in you.
Somehow Roy knew Ed needed this. He knew that he needed just once more to be held. Ed had no idea how he knew the things he did. He was just glad that he did. Suddenly Ed's face was pressed against the cool cloth of Roy's shirt. It was getting cooler again, he could tell. That might do well for his heating face. It'd get rid of the flush before he got home. Al was already upset enough; he didn't need to see Ed crying.
Al wasn't mad at anyone in particular. He was mad at the circumstances. He was mad at what happened. And Ed himself found himself in the same emotional dilemma. Roy was a decent man. He did what he thought was best. He knew that it would only hurt more the longer he put it off. But before he did anything he made sure he had all of his affairs in order. He made damn sure he knew what he was doing. He was a decent man. That was what decent men did.
Slow down honey by that door
Ed's hand hovered over the door knob for a moment before he dropped it again. He suddenly noticed what, exactly, was so interesting about the grain of the door Roy had just been staring at.
"This is what you want then?"
"Edward, don't be like that – "
"No, I'm serious. Make sure this is what you want. Because if I walk out now… I'm not coming back." Edward lied. He lied through his teeth. He knew that all Roy had to do was beckon and Edward would be back at his heel like a dog. That was what love did to someone. It made them slaves. Equivalent exchange. You give someone your heart, then you lose your dignity. But for that short… short time… you've got your own little slice of heaven. Well damn it, if he's already lost his dignity, might as well make one last ditch effort to hang around like the puppy he was.
"You haven't eaten yet?"
Roy was silent.
"I could make you something… I'm not much of a chef, you know but… I can make something…"
"No." Another simple phrase that almost snatched away all of Ed's self control.
"You know as well as I do that if you make dinner you'll stay to wash up. Then you'll find something else to clean. Then it'll be too late to go back to your apartment. You'll stay the night and we both know you'll stay in my bed. Then you'll make breakfast, clean that up, and find another reason and another reason and another reason to stay. Eventually we'll end up right back here. It hurts, I know, but don't make it last any longer than it has to."
Wait for no one anymore.
"Does it hurt for you too," The words slipped by Ed lips without first going through the filter of his mind. Roy's silence almost made him cry out for something, anything.
"Of course it does," for the first time Roy almost lost control of his voice, "I told you that you were a big part of my life, Ed. You were the first… god the first of many things. The first man I ever dated. The first man – hell the first person I ever loved. You were the first one I really ever made love to. That's so massive…"
"How long," Ed asked in barley above a whisper. Roy shrugged, but Ed didn't see. He only heard the rise and fall of the cloth. He sighed and rested his head against the door.
Crying tender with your arms spread wide
Ed didn't know when his breathing became so uneven, but it was a cruel mockery of something far better. He shut his eyes and pressed his face against the wood of the door, trying to keep himself under control. That seemed to be something of a chore. Don't cry. Don't cry, not here, not now. This house must never hold anything but love for you. He took a few deep breaths and missed the two or three foot steps behind him. He missed the hands on his shoulders. He missed the words spoken somewhere behind him.
Hold on cry not anymore
Roy reached around and gently brushed a hand over Ed's eyes, drying the heated tears that had yet to fall from his eyes. The lingering feeling of his skin only sufficed to replace the previous moisture. Again, Roy knew that Ed needed another push, and so he gently placed a hand on the door knob that Ed could not bring himself to touch. Somehow, if he opened the door, it was like rejecting Roy. Something he would not… could not do.
The door whispered open before him, revealing the chilly, bland, autumn world. The whole vastness of it made Ed physically ache. He pressed back into Roy gently, begging him, without a word, not to make him do this. Not to let him go.
"I won't come back," Ed lied in a whisper again. Roy nodded from above him.
"Good." Ed closed his eyes. He knew what Roy meant. He knew that it would be unhealthy to come around here anymore. He knew it would only cause him unnecessary pain. Roy was a good man. He'd never wish that kind of pain on anyone.
"Be brave, Edward Elric. This isn't the hardest thing you've ever been asked to do." This made Ed laugh darkly again.
"Comes damn close to burying my mother, actually."
I don't worry what dress you wear.
Hands on shoulders in the comforting way Roy normally did. Ed still stared out at the vacant world before him and sighed.
"Not even if I wear leather pants then, huh?" Roy laughed despite the situation.
"No, not even if you wear leather pants." Ed nodded, seeming to accept this, and then the words pour from his mouth, again without bothering with the filter of his mind. There was no malice, no anger. Only open, honest request.
It's all over now my dear
"You know Roy… I was a lot of your firsts. You were my first everything." Put your lips like this, he'd say, and don't be so overzealous. Relax, let me take care of you, he'd whisper to him.
"Take… at least that, won't you?"
"Of course," Roy murmured gently.
Two shades of blue
Roy's eyes always did have some very distinctive shades. They were always blue, darker, maybe, than anything else in the world. But they changed hues every now and again. He got a very unique shade of blue to his eyes whenever he revisited Ishbal in his mind. This was as similar as he could ever get to that color. It was that mutual sorrow and anguish that gave Ed the final push out the door.
Ed left without another word back at the man who still held every little bit of who he was as a man and a human being. Roy had tried his best to keep the pieces of Edward intact as he handed them back. But some things just couldn't be helped. Deep breaths and counted footsteps kept Ed's mind off of the burning in his eyes. He strained his ears for running footsteps behind him, a hand on his shoulder, a voice telling him that he'd made a mistake, that he belonged back in that house, with that man.
He heard only silence and night as he doubled over on himself. His fingertips soon bleed as she scrapped them along the concrete of the sidewalks, desperate for something to make him feel. Finally one ragged sob escaped his throat. It sounded odd in his ears, and for a moment he wondered what had made such a wretched sound, and that maybe the two of them could get together and wallow in their own misery.
Another sob followed another and Ed was still crouched on the ground as footsteps approached him from ahead. He didn't need to lift his head. He fell limply into the lithe form of his little brother and lay in his arms, crying without any sense of self or dignity.
Roy Mustang was his first everything. His first crush. His first date. His first kiss. His first love. His first lover. How would he ever recover from that?
Tangled up in you