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Jailward is back and the angst is in full effect.
There is some disturbing sexual abuse in this chapter, so proceed with caution.
Special thanks to Jensy for amazing beta skills.
Looking back, I should have realized that things were going much too well for me. I mean, who experiences some of the best moments of their life in prison? Who actually enjoys being locked away for manslaughter? True, these two months of incarceration had been somewhat monotonous, yet I had never been happier.
The first weeks of lock-up I had spent on edge, but the horrible events I had expected to happen never materialized. Instead, I had fallen in love for the first time, made a loyal friend in Jasper, and entrusted the toughest C.O. at Meyer to watch my back. Understandably I started to let my guard down, naively forgetting about all the evil and destruction that could occur when a group of criminals were locked up together.
It was only a matter of time before my walls of contentment came tumbling down.
It all started on Tuesday (yesterday) when I was running late. Jasper had a test in chemistry and I went to his cell first thing, to help him with some last minute cramming before breakfast. Clad in just our underwear, we rushed to the shower room before the doors would get locked. We had participated in a late game of baseball the night before, and neither of us wanted to go through the day smelling like dried sweat and dirt.
Once we entered the shower room, we were assaulted by a wall of steam and the smell of cheap shampoo. Only a few guys were visible through the humid mist; most of the inmates had already headed to breakfast. We each found an available shower head and turned on the water.
I liked my showers to be almost boiling hot, so I stood off to the side waiting for the water temperature to climb to almost scalding. Once the steam really started rising, I dipped my body under the pounding stream, letting the glorious warmth soothe my tired body. Pushing the lever of the soap dispenser on the wall, I lathered a generous amount of green shower gel onto my hands and started lathering up my body.
I generally avoided any and all eye contact while in the showers and had forgotten about the other guys present until I heard a pained voice cry, "Please . . . please . . . no . . . stop!"
My head shot up and I tried looking through the steam to find the source of the cries.
Besides Jasper and me, there were only three other people in the showers, and they were all huddled in a corner on the other side of the room. A boy was cowering on the floor while the other two were standing over him, effectively trapping him in the corner. One of the assailants was James, the inmate that Officer Cullen had warned me about. I couldn't make out his accomplice.
Hearing the boy on the floor whimpering and crying, I involuntarily started to make my way over to them. I flinched as I heard a slap that sounded like a fist hitting flesh, followed by more cries. The whimpering voice sounded familiar. Was that Demetri?
Demetri was one of the kids I had been tutoring. He was only fourteen and had arrived at Meyer just a couple of weeks ago. He was a nice kid, and I often worried about him because his learning disability made him entirely too trusting of others.
There were lots of guys in here who would be more than happy to manipulate a kid like Demetri. He had already experienced cruel treatment at his old school, ultimately leading him here to Meyer. A kid had dared Demetri to bring a gun to school, and when he stupidly had accepted the dare, the kid putting him up to it had turned him in.
The thought of James similarly getting his claws in Demetri enraged me as I headed towards the trio in the corner.
After a few steps, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned my head to see Jasper standing behind me, looking worried.
"Edward, what are you doing?" he hissed. "You can't go over there—it's not your problem. Let's get out of here."
I was shocked at his lack of concern for the boy obviously being assaulted. "What do you mean it's not my concern? I can't just leave him there!"
I turned back and headed to the corner again. This time Jasper grabbed my arm, pulling me to a halt. As he started talking again, I could hear the panic in his voice.
"Edward, believe me you do not want to go over there. That's James, and he is not someone you want as an enemy. He's killed people in here, though they were never able to prove it. If you get involved, you are committing suicide. Please Edward, I'm begging you. Walk away!"
I knew Jasper was only concerned for my wellbeing, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try to save this kid. I just had to act.
As I made my way closer to the corner, I realized that what I assumed was a younger inmate simply being bullied was actually something far worse.
Demetri was trembling in the corner, his knees to his chest, water mixed with blood and tears running down his face. He was shaking his head back and forth, chanting "No, no, no . . ." while the naked James stood inches away, menacingly stroking his own erect penis. The evil smirk on James' face was enough to make me nauseated as I quietly made my way closer. I overheard James speaking, his voice filled with vitriol.
"Demetri, I'm gonna give you two choices. You can open that pretty mouth of yours and suck my cock, or you can turn around so I can fuck your ass. It's your call. Either way, you aren't leaving here until you get me off."
The goon with James started laughing.
"Believe me, you want it in your mouth, kid. James likes it rough and your little ass ain't ready for that . . . yet."
James' cohort then reached down and clutched a struggling Demetri, restraining his arms tightly behind his back. He forced Demetri back down to his knees and shoved his head closer to James' crotch.
Witnessing the anguish on Demetri's face as James began to force himself into his mouth took my mind to a place I had tried for years to forget.
My heart rate skyrocketed and I began hyperventilating as the flashbacks overcame me.
Rough hands holding me down, my face being forced into my pillow to muffle my screams. Rough hands pulling down my pajama pants. The excruciating pain as the faceless assailant violated me. His satisfied grunts. Wetness on my thighs. The salty taste of my tears as I cried myself to sleep.
I ran both hands over my wet hair, trying to force the horrid memories out of my head. I was on the verge of a panic attack and I closed my eyes to try to control my breathing before I passed out.
Clenching my teeth, I then channeled those memories of helplessness into something entirely different: rage. Much like the night I rescued Bella, I could feel my whole body tingle with hatred and anger and power. Before I knew what happened, I was across the room, hoisting up James by his shoulders, slamming him against the tiled wall; screaming the whole time.
"Get your fucking hands off him!"
James simply laughed, undeterred, and lunged at me. I was faster though, darting to the side; punching him in the ribs as he flew past me. He turned to face me again, a wicked smile still plastered on his face. His buddy came to stand next to him, cracking his knuckles.
"Aw Edward, I didn't know that you had a thing for the new fish. Don't waste your time; he turned out to be quite a disappointment."
Realizing that the two thugs no longer had their attention focused on Demetri, I lunged at James again while desperately shouting, "Demetri, run!" James adeptly evaded my attack.
I hardly wanted to square off against James and his crony since they were both larger and stronger than me, but I had to create a diversion for Demetri to escape, hopefully so that he could find an officer. The two menaces prowled around me as we sized each other up. James' smug grin further incensed me, and I decided that the best defense was offense.
As my fist made contact with James' nose, I heard the sound of bone crunching. My hand exploded in pain and I feared it was my bones that had broken. Immediately I felt the breath being knocked out of me as the two men began punching my stomach and ribcage, and my legs became weak as I crashed to the floor, water splashing from my fall. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for what would likely be the final moments of my life.
However, nothing happened. I heard the door to the showers swing open and I peeked through half-lidded eyes to see James quickly exiting the shower room. He looked back at me and scowled.
"This isn't over, Masen."
I closed my eyes again and let my head fall back onto the wet tile floor. The hot water had evidently expired and I began to shiver from the feeling of icy spray pelting my skin.
I tried to get up, but my weak legs folded as feelings of panic began to overtake me again. Embarrassingly I vomited onto the floor. I leaned against the wall, sliding down until I was crumpled in a fetal position on the floor, not unlike Demetri had been minutes before. I began sobbing uncontrollably.
The door to the showers slammed open and Jasper ran in, wearing only a towel, with Officer Cullen's bulky form leering closely behind him. Jasper's eyes widened when he saw me.
"Oh God. Edward, are you alright? Dude, this water is freezing!"
Jasper quickly turned off the showers while Officer Cullen bent down to check me over. I was still breathing rapidly and I could feel stabbing pain with every breath, leaving me worried that I might have a broken rib. I tried to stem the flow of tears and wiped my face with my hand, mortified that I had snot dripping off my chin.
"Edward, what happened?" I could feel the concern in Officer Cullen's voice.
He picked up my bruised hand and inspected my knuckles.
"I think your hand may be broken."
I was grateful to Jasper as he handed me a clean towel to wipe my face.
"So Edward, what happened in here?"
I knew I had to answer for how I had reacted. The thought that my misbehavior could interfere with me seeing Bella made me cry even harder.
"James and some other guy. They . . . they were trying to rape Demetri."
"Shit." Officer Cullen stood up and stepped toward the other side of the room, barking orders into his walkie talkie.
He came back and kneeled next to me.
"Dammit, Masen. Do you have any idea how much trouble you could be in? Or even worse; he could have killed you. Why didn't you go get help?"
"I couldn't leave Demetri, sir. I just couldn't."
"Look, I know you were just trying to do the right thing, but in here the right thing is to find an officer. Do you want to go into solitary? I'm going to have a hell of a time convincing the warden not to throw your ass in there."
I let my head fall forward. "Officer Cullen, I know I should have found you, but I just couldn't. I was able to stop James just in time. He was seconds from putting his, you know, in Demetri's mouth."
I began crying again and looked up beseechingly at Officer Cullen.
"I couldn't leave him. I couldn't. A part of you dies when you are violated like that, and you can never get it back. I didn't want him to become empty . . . like me."
I bowed my head again and heard gasps from Jasper and Officer Cullen.
"Come on Edward. Let's get you to the infirmary."
I winced as they helped me slowly rise to my feet. Thankfully Jasper handed me another towel to wrap around myself.
Officer Cullen went to Jasper and patted his shoulder.
"Hale, you did the right thing. You better get to class."
Jasper nodded and glanced sympathetically towards me. "I'll see you later, Edward. Take care."
Officer Cullen led me into the infirmary and where I was patched up. My ribs weren't broken, but my right hand was. I was now sporting a black cast up to my elbow.
After the doctor applied my cast, Officer Cullen came in and handed me some clean clothes. He shut the door and sat down in one of the infirmary chairs as I got dressed.
"So Edward, you wanna talk about what happened back there? Did James . . . did he, uh, touch you?"
I shook my head. "No, he was after Demetri."
"I'm here if you want to talk. And this is about as private of a conversation as you will ever get here."
He sounded genuinely concerned. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears again. God, why couldn't I stop crying?
"Edward, when you were talking earlier, you mentioned you didn't want him to be like you." Officer Cullen's big brown eyes blinked several times and my heart started pounding. "Did something happen to you?"
I retreated until my back made contact with the infirmary wall and then I slid down to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest. I nodded, promptly hiding my face in my knees. Oh God, oh God.
"Was it here? Did James come after you?"
I shook my head.
"Was it while you were in county jail?"
I shook my head.
"Group home?"
I stopped breathing.
I nodded.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I didn't answer. I just hid my face and cried for my lost childhood.
"Sometimes . . . I think it would have been better if I had never been born," I finally whimpered.
"I, for one, am glad you were born, Edward. And I'm betting Isabella Swan feels the same way."
We sat in silence for what seemed like forever. Officer Cullen waited patiently for me to do something. I didn't know what to say, so I just pretended to be invisible.
Apparently the C.O. decided that if I wouldn't talk, then he would. In a quiet voice, he began speaking.
"I know what it's like to be aloneto not have a home."
I snapped my head up to look at him, my head still resting on my knees, but I didn't speak. He continued talking, as if anticipating my silence.
"I spent several years in foster homes and group homes too, so I know just how shitty they can be. I never had it as bad as you did, but it was still a miserable experience."
He sat on the floor next to me and pulled his knees up to his chest, mimicking my body position. I felt an instant connection to him.
"My mom had me when she was still a kid herself. She had run away from home when she was sixteen and she lived on the streets of Seattle; shacking up with whatever guy would have her. She was barely eighteen when got pregnant with me. She was naïve in regards to what raising a child would be like—I guess she thought it would be fun or something to have a baby."
He paused disdainfully. "She did try to do the right thing, for a while. She applied for welfare and got us some food stamps. We had a tiny apartment, but at least it was a roof over our heads."
He sighed. "Eventually the stress of being a single mom got to her. She grew to resent me, reminding me that I 'ruined her life' almost every day. When I was around four she would start leaving me alone in the apartment for hours at a time. I guess she figured I could make myself a bowl of cereal or something, and since I wasn't in diapers anymore, I would be okay without supervision."
With a far-off look, he continued, "Sometimes she would leave at night and not come back until the next morning. I'm not sure what she was doing, but I assume she must have been a prostitute, probably on drugs.
"I was terrified of being alone in that apartment. She told me that if I tried to leave while she was gone, they would take me away and lock me up. I was too young to know any better, so I believed her. All I ever wanted was for her to love me; to spend time with me. But she basically ignored me. Hell, I didn't even know my last name or when my birthday was until social services took me away. I'll never know who my father was. I don't even think she knew."
I had not really stopped my crying from earlier, but Officer Cullen's story made my tears flow a little faster. Why were there so many monsters in the world? And why did they take out their hatred on innocent children?
"One day when I was around five, I was home alone and bored, so I decided to go for a swim in the bathtub. I forgot to turn off the water, and soon it was pouring out of the tub while I played. I thought it was cool how the floor was filling with water. Well, the water started leaking into the apartment below and the super came into our apartment to see if a pipe had burst or something. When he found me all by myself, he called social services. They arrested my mom for neglect and without a second thought she signed away her parental rights." A look of sadness crossed his chiseled features.
"Since I was a big five year-old kid, I wasn't prime adoption material. Everybody only wanted little babies; they didn't want me. I was shuffled to several different foster and group homes until I was thirteen."
I sniffled and lifted my head up a fraction. "What happened when you were thirteen?"
"That was when my life changed completely. I was adopted and for the first time I knew what it was like to be lovedto be part of a family."
I was glad that Officer Cullen got a happy ending. I distinctly remember when my single biggest wish was for someone to adopt me. I had wanted it so bad I could taste it, back then.
"That's great. It seems like no one wants to adopt older kids. I was ten when I entered the foster care system and hardly any of the kids I knew were ever adopted. Everyone wants a cute little baby."
"Yeah, I was so lucky. It happened pretty randomly, actually. I was injured at football practice—I actually broke my collarbone. They took me into the ER and the resident physician taking care of me was really cool. He was young and funny, and since I didn't have any parents, he was constantly checking in on me. Since my group home was short-staffed, they couldn't spare to send anyone to get me until the next day, but that doctor stayed with me all night to keep me from being alone.
"I went back to the group home the next day and didn't think anything of that doctor again until a couple of weeks later. He showed up at the home with his wife and actually asked if I would like to come live with them. Naturally I jumped at the chance to leave that crappy home, and after six months of living with Carlisle and Esme, they legally adopted me. We moved to Forks a couple of years later. I can't imagine where I would be had they not entered my life."
We sat in silence for a while and then I turned my head to see Officer Cullen sticking his hand out, offering it to me.
"I figure I've already broken all the inmate/officer rules anyway, and since we are sharing, I may as well introduce myself. I'm Emmett . . . Emmett Cullen."
I smiled, grateful for him revealing even more of himself to me, and shook his massive hand. "Nice to meet you, Emmett. I'm Edward Masen, but I guess you know that already."
He smiled back.
Emmett paused for a moment. I could tell he wanted to ask me something, but he wasn't sure how to begin.
"Do you want to talk about what happened to you? If you don't feel comfortable with me, you could speak to our psychologist. She's really good."
I had never opened up to anyone regarding my life, but there was just something about Emmett that made me trust him unconditionally.
So I told him. I told him of my parents and how they died. I described being sent away to several foster and group homes. I told him about the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I endured at the hands of some older boys. I told him about my last foster home, which hadn't been that bad. I told him about Bella and Biology class and about what happened that night at Port Angeles. I even told him that I loved her.
He listened quietly. When I was through and couldn't cry anymore tears, he put his arm around me to embrace me in an awkward side hug, as we were both still seated.
"It's only going to get better from here, Edward. I see big things in your future—good things. And for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure that Bella loves you too."
For the first time in a long while, I smiled.
"Have you told her? Does she know about your past?"
I shook my head.
"No, I'm afraid of what she'll think. What if she thinks I'm less of a man . . . that I'm tainted?"
"She won't think that, Edward. She deserves to know. Don't be afraid to open up to her."
I knew he was right, but I couldn't bear the thought of telling Bella. Would she even want to touch me after what those boys did to me? I was damaged goods.
I looked at the clock on the wall and noticed it was almost 4:00. I was shocked that we had spent almost the entire afternoon in this small exam room. I felt bad that my problems caused Emmett to miss lunch; I bet skipping a meal would be really rough for a big guy like that.
"So Edward, are you ready to face the real world again?" He patted his muscular six-pack. "I'm starving and I'm hoping I can sweet talk the ladies in the cafeteria to feed us something before supper."
Emmett was true to his word; we soon found ourselves alone in the cafeteria, shoveling in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Emmett showed off his ravenous appetite by inhaling four sandwiches. It was very impressive.
Another officer came over and Emmett left me for a few minutes to confer with his colleague. When he came back he explained that James was being sent to solitary confinement for a month.
Emmett insisted that I not worry about James. "We will keep an extra eye on him. He thinks Jasper is the one who ratted on him, so hopefully he won't come after you when he gets out." Luckily Jasper would be home free long before James would return to the general population.
Emmett said I would receive some demerits for hitting James, but since I was coming to the aid of another inmate, I was being let off with just a slap on the wrist. He did warn me if I tried to pull a stunt like that again, I could lose my visitation privileges with Bella. That was all I needed to know. Next time I would get an officer.
The prison doc had checked out Demetri, pronouncing him in good health. I had stopped James before anything had really happened, and though the fourteen year-old was shaken up, he had already met with the prison psychologist and seemed to be doing pretty well, considering. I breathed a sigh of relief at the news.
Explaining that he had broken the rules by telling me his first name, Emmett insisted that I continue to call him Officer Cullen. He also was adamant that I consider speaking to the prison psychologist. He explained that he saw a psychologist as a teenager and it really helped him with his abandonment issues.
"Dr. Jen is really awesome. She will help you process all the shit that's happened to you."
I was unsure if I really wanted to dig deeper into the memories I'd fought so hard to repress, but I promised him I would think about it.
After our cafeteria pow-wow, Emmett led me to my cell. I had missed the day's classes, but since it was online coursework, I could catch up on everything tomorrow. Thankfully, I didn't have any assignments due today.
Though it was only the afternoon, I was physically and emotionally exhausted after the day's events. The second I saw my bed, I collapsed onto it, crying myself to sleep.
Jasper came in my cell right before supper to check on me. He wore a pained expression on his face, like he didn't know what he should say to me.
"Hey man, are you doing okay?"
"I've had better days, but I'm doing alright. How did your chemistry test go?"
"It wasn't bad at all. Thanks for helping me, bro."
We looked at each other for a few minutes, waiting for the other to start talking. Jasper gave in first.
"So Edward, did you really have that happen to you?"
I bit my lip and finally conceded, "Yeah." Then I gave him a sharp look. "And don't you fucking tell anybody, Jasper. Do you hear me? Not your sister, not Alice, and definitely not Bella."
He put his arms up in the air in surrender.
"Come on, who do you think I am? Your secret is safe with me. And, just so you know, I think it really sucks that you went through that."
I got up to check myself out in my small mirror. My hair was its normal chaotic mess and my eyes were almost swollen shut from my copious crying. I had forgotten about the cast until I looked down at my arm, and the visual reminder made my hand and fingers throb with pain. It was worth it to punch that bastard, though.
I closed my eyes and thought about everything that had happened today. I needed Bella. I longed to touch her; to hold her. I wasn't ready to open up to her about my past, but I just wanted to talk to her, about anything or nothing at all. I felt that if I could just hear her voice, it would somehow make everything better.
Jasper asked me if I wanted to go to dinner and I told him what I really wanted was to call Bella.
"Then call her. You still have twenty minutes till the phones are cut off."
"That's easy for you to say, Jasper. I don't have any money."
Jasper laughed and handed me a calling card. "Dude, I've got like a thousand minutes on this thing. Go call your girl."
I quickly made my way to the payphones and much to my surprise, a phone was available. I dialed Bella's number, holding my breath until she answered.
Hearing her sweet voice say "hello" filled my heart with warmth and love. I was so overcome with my feelings towards her, I started crying again. I didn't want her to hear my cry, but it was too late. She said my name and asked if I was alright.
I seized up with anguish, experiencing the sharp contrast between her light, sweet voice and the darkness in my soul. I eventually choked out that I would never be okay, and then continued to cry into her ear. She whispered words of encouragement to me, promising that she couldn't wait to see me on Saturday. I barely spoke ten words during the entire exchange, but I did manage to thank her for everything before I hung up.
Nightmares interrupted my sleep, making me feel like hell when I woke up. I decided to skip the showers today as I couldn't face that scene, instead heading straight to breakfast with Jasper. We were both quiet this morning, muttering a few words but mostly just listening to the sound of our own munching on the tasteless corn flakes they gave us.
I was in the computer lab working on an assignment when Officer Cullen came in.
"How are things going today, Edward?"
I gave him a wary glance, and slowly responded, "I'm doing better today, thanks."
"Well, you have a visitor this morning. So, come with me."
"A visitor? Who?"
"Not sure. I think it's your lawyer."
I couldn't figure out why on earth my lawyer would be visiting me. Maybe he had some forms for me to sign or something? Officer Cullen led me to the attorney visitation rooms and opened the door to the second room on the right. I looked in, gasping when I saw Bella standing in the room by the table, her arms folded across her chest, waiting for me.
She met my eyes and we both smiled. Her eyes looked puffy. Had she been crying too?
Officer Cullen grabbed my arm as I walked into the room.
"Edward, this is a situation that will likely never be repeated. I'll be standing right out here. You have one hour. I expect you to behave like a gentleman."
He shut the door and for the first time ever, I was alone with Bella Swan.
AN: Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think. Your reviews fuel my writing addiction.
I know parts of this chapter were hard to read. I didn't enjoy writing it, and I promise no more sexual assault for Edward ever again. He is moving on to the healing chapter in his life. Bella will be the glue that holds everything together. I hope I didn't scare anyone away. This will not be a "dark fic".