The Espada's Guide to Life, Hueco Mundo and Everything.
Date: 11/10/09 / Updated: 14/02/10
~3
Five Things Not To Do If You Want To Live
Aww, Ulqui-chan, you're no fun. But really, innappropriate? What kind of sick person do you think I am? Wait, don't answer that.
Well, Grimmjow ran past and threw this book in my face; it doesn't quite fit the criteria 'leave it where someone will find it…'
N.B. Espada's Guide is painful.
Anyway, my words of wisdom. Five Things Not To Do If You Want To Live; also known as Five Things To Do If You Want To Die, The Five Times I Nearly Died and Five Ways To Suicide, Making It Look Like Murder.
1. Sneak into Szayel's lab
Even though he ain't the strongest, this creepy freak has any number of poisons and kami-knows-what in that hellhole of his that he calls a lab.
Now, normally I don't mess with Gumball-san, but seriously, haven't you ever wondered what he keeps in there?
The next time you have that thought, jump on it, tie it up and kill it 'till it dies.
Had a migraine for three weeks, and temporary case of violent food poisoning. At least he wasn't in a bad mood.
2. Mention Ichigo in front of Grimmjow
Easily the most touchy Espada when it comes to the Shinigami brat.
All, and I mean all, the Espada enjoy winding Grimmjow up. Sometimes I think Aizen tells Tosen to do it on purpose.
Left several burn marks on my arms. Uniform almost entirely burnt off. Large, unsightly bald patch. Tesla accidentally got caught in crossfire: that's how he got his eyepatch.
Grimmjow also bears a grudge against Tousen. Don't mention the blind dude either. Trust me.
3. Mess up Ulquiorra's room
That is, if you can get into his room in the first place. Ulquiorra is thoroughly OCD, and also extremely paranoid, ever since the case with the tea…
For the record, this wasn't my idea – it was Grimmjow's, but I beat him to it just to annoy him.
Large stab wound at base of neck. Big, unsightly scar until I got Pet-sama to remove it.
4. Tamper with Aizen's tea
There is only one thing more scary than angry Aizen, and that's angry Aizen acting calm and un-angry. When he's like that, then you have no idea what the hell he's gonna do.
Possibly the most stupid thing I have done in my entire life (and that's sayin' something) I have no idea why I did it.
Was forced to drink the tea.
5. Taste Orihime's cooking
I tell you, it seemed like a nice idea at first. Aizen was quite happy to allow her to cook for us; at least, until she served up mashed potatoes with tomato sauce, alongside mint cucumber-cabbage tea. Dessert? It was some sort of soup. I think it was boiled beetroot with honey and milk.
In my defence, it looked nice.
At least I wasn't the only one who nearly died.