The Espada's Guide to Life, Hueco Mundo and Everything.

Word count: 372

Date: 26/11/09

Summary: Even the Espada need entertainment. That's why Ulquiorra started this 'wisdom-book' to pass the time. Featuring entries from all in Las Noches.

Characters: Everyone in Las Noches.

Pairings: None.

Spoilers: Only if you don't know who all the Espada are…

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, but I do own bleach! Actually, no, but my mum does! That's gotta count, right?

Author's note: I have no excuse for the month-long delay. I could say that I've been working on NnoiNel stuff, but I forgot to do that...don't worry, I'm not on hiatus, I've just had little to no inspiration to write at all for a long time. Oh wait...

~5~

How to Wake a Sleeping Espada

According to Stark, sleeping is an art. According to me, knowing how to wake a sleeping Espada is a very special art too.

I found this book under his pillow. It's my chance to share this important knowledge with everyone. Believe me; you will need to know this.

1. Make sure he is asleep. Sometimes he may be just resting, and you don't want to annoy him. Trust me. You don't. Unless you're me, but you not. So seriously, don't.

Signs that he is asleep:
- Drooling
- Snoring
- Mumbling etc.

2. Make sure there is no way you yourself can get hurt. Cero and Bala can really hurt, so you might want to get some safety equipment. Otherwise, get a lower Fraccion to do the next few steps for you. If so, make sure you are standing around five feet back.

3. Gently wake him up. Make sure he doesn't get angry. You can do this by shaking him, or tickling his feet. Note: Stark is very ticklish. Don't do anything violent yet. For reasons unknown, Stark is violent when woken roughly a first time, but never a second time.

NOTE: If Stark Becomes Violent:

You might have done it on accident. You might have done it on purpose. You might just be an idiot. But if you've done something to make Stark form a glowing ball of light, run. Don't stop, don't think, and don't worry about the worthless Fraccion cowering in terror. Just run.

4. When he rolls over and goes back to sleep, which he will, you can get as violent as you like. This is a good replacement for anger-management classes. Jump on him or yell in his ear. For a fail-proof method, try both at the same time. Though not if you're Yammy.

5. Make sure he stays awake. Tickling is very useful here too. Other things work too, like yelling "SZAYEL SPIKED YOUR TEA!" or "THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE AGAIN!"

Sometimes it's just easier to stop him from going to sleep in the first place. We gave Stark coffee once, though I think we gave him a bit too much. Is five cups too much? Because he didn't sleep for a week…a never-before-seen occurrence.

**

Do I really need to put who wrote this in? And other news: OMG I JUST THOUGHT OF THE RANDOMEST BLEACH PAIRING- TeslaXLilynette! If anyone manages to write a good TesNette (don't ask...) then they will be forever regarded as awesome. Alright, I'll shut up now.