I can hear him shuffle his feet, trying not to look at the place where I've been living for how long now. It's his first time here - his first time seeing me like this at all, actually. How had I managed to escape him for so long? We haven't spoken since then. No, longer than that; you never really expect to never see someone again. At least not us. Not back then; now I know differently. I guess he does too.
"What do you want?" I finally grumble at him, uncomfortable with the soft memories he's bringing back just by showing up. I'd almost rather talk to Michael than him.
"I just... I don't understand, Luce. I don't understand why you did it?" His voice isn't the steadying calm I remember and I remove my hand to look at him. Damn. Of all of them, I would have said to spare him. Not because he wouldn't be strong enough, but because I didn't want him to need to be.
"It's simple, Rafe: I didn't." I shrug, then push myself up from the chair and walk past him to the bookshelf, looking for a pack of cigarettes. Not hard to find, since it's the only thing there, and I turn back towards him as I'm lighting up one of the coffin-nails. Rafe hasn't turned towards me, but his head is cast down. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. "You don't believe me."
"He says you did. He told us... everything."
Like hell He did. Used His 'Voice', like always. I don't even have strength in me to argue the point. I take a drag and exhale into the air above me, a small inconsequential attempt at an insult for His lies. "And you believe Him?"
Rafe finally looks up at me and I swear his eyes look like he's struggling, as much as I know that's no longer possible. "I have no choice, Lucifer, remember?" I know it's me, my wanting, but his voice saying my full name right then sounds plaintive and even slightly accusing. If we were other people... if we were people, I'd say he wanted me to apologize so he could get angry at me for it.
"Yeah. I remember having no choice, Raphael." How long has it been since I called him by his name? "Look this is getting nowhere. If you don't believe me then why are you even here? What do you want from me if you don't want the truth?"
"I know the truth of your sin against Him, Luce... " I can see he's looking for something else to say but he only shakes his head. I watch him leave. He's always been so strong, so peaceful and steady and understanding and always just there when I needed him. And yet, the one time when I really do need a friend, he can't be there. Here. Now. But damn, do I want him to be. I want to tell him and have him understand. But his entire existence if for the One who made me like this, and Rafe can't change that. No matter what. That was the second price for my 'sin'.
The truth of my sin. Ha. I take another drag and find the taste no longer satisfying, almost filthy. I toss the cigarette butt towards the closed door that stands between us - the physical one. "Do you want to see the scars?" I yell after it. "I didn't do anything but trust Him too much, dammit! You want to touch where they used to be? Where He personally ripped them from my back? Want to hear how I still scream? How He uses me wherever He needs a dirty job done, how I get the blame for anything slightly unwanted that happens to his little pets? I did nothing but love Him!"
The cigarette falls to the floor at the same time I do. Dammit, why did he have to show up?