VI.
"So what is the forecast? Can you make do until say… 4 am?" he said with a wry smile.
I glanced over at the clock. It was 7:49 pm.
I bit my lip with my incisors and nodded with a slight smile. Two and a half hours was probably going to last me just fine until whenever I could get him alone again. All that time and no break. It was amazing… Okay, we had talked a good part of the time, but the whole time we'd… He'd joked and called it vampire tantric sex. Whatever we called it, it still blew my mind. I didn't get sore. And I didn't get tired exactly. It was more like being soothed or calmed. In between the cataclysms. Soothed without sharp objects. Without pain. What a concept. And whenever I started to get too carried away, and then get freaked out, he'd start talking to me, get me to laugh or even just to be still. Already better than before dawn, when he'd laughed with genuine happiness in spite of the fact that I said I thought I was absolutely appalling.
"Well, my little tornado, I'm going to shower. You need to finish that up," he said, pointing to the bottle on the nightstand. He playfully pulled me back on top of him and kissed me again for a bit. Then he rolled me over and kissed me all down my torso onto my belly and right on my pubic bone before he rose from the bed.
"That was supposed to leave me calmer exactly how?" I said with a frown.
"Because you will think about the fact that you have had quite a bit of… attention. You will realize that it might be good to give it a rest. Surely you are not suggesting you think you need to give me more attention? I'm an old man, after all. Are you trying to kill me?"
I rolled my eyes and groaned. With a sigh I said,
"I can't believe I missed the really bad jokes…"
"And I can't believe I just thought about getting back into the bed. What is it with you? Andor's right. The damn fairy blood just is trouble no matter what we do with you, yes?" He smiled and then headed off to the bathroom. I heard him turn on the water in the shower.
My mind flashed back to earlier in the evening when, in throes of passion and pressed against a wall, his eyes had locked on mine just as I was feeling desperate for more… everything. I was very certain that biting him repeatedly was not a good plan, just as I was sure that frenzy was probably not an option, either. Before dawn, frenzy had gotten me pressed face down, on my stomach in bed, and that was so much less fun because I could hardly move, even if he had whispered in my ear that he wanted me more than ever. Already, by the evening, the strategy of talking me down seemed to be gaining a toehold somewhere in my horrible vampire brain.
"Shhhhh. Slow down. Talk to me… talk to me… Look at me Sookie," he'd said. "Talk to me."
In the midst of that primitive moment, I'd felt something relax inside, felt soothed, calmed, hearing his voice and seeing his eyes look softly at me. Snapping me back from some other wild Sookie to myself, without the need for sharp knives or razors. I felt lost in those eyes, suddenly still, calm. I could feel him in my mind, but felt safe letting him be there. He soothed me. I'd let go of his shoulders and touched his face and suddenly felt overwhelmed with a sense of tenderness instead of lust, passion, desire.
"I love you," I'd whispered, almost in awe of the feeling. "I love you so…"
He stopped cold and pressed hard into me as he leaned forward, his lips in contrast, meeting mine so softly. He smiled at me.
"The feeling is so very mutual," he said to me playfully.
"No... Say it back," I said tremulously. "I need to hear you say you love me."
He looked at me silently for just a moment. I read his thoughts and he was thinking about the irony of it, given things from long ago and the way things had been only a year ago, as well. I felt an intense craving inside, like hunger but more than just hunger. It felt painful, my wanting to have my feelings reciprocated so intensely. Was this how he had felt, I wondered? This frustration, craving something, someone, so strongly? How badly had it hurt to have heard instead, and repeatedly, that he was hated? Or for a time long ago to have heard simply nothing at all? I winced with the thought of it.
"Shhhh," he said soothingly, as I literally pushed back harder into the wall with the discomfort of my feelings. "You bewitched me long ago," he whispered, pressing hard into me again. "I love you. I am yours and you are mine. My blood, my wife, mine."
His eyes glowed as he said the words. The words seemed to fill something in me. And in that moment, finally, at long last, I got it. It was not ownership. It was a merging of oneself with another, even if you retained your sense of yourself as whole and distinct. Physically and emotionally, he was like a wash of color splashed across me and soaked throughout me. And I realized that I was the same for him. Even just from his having my blood these few times, I could feel him as I never had before. He was in me, all throughout me.
More than an hour later here I was, lying there in the bed among the soft sheets, thinking that it was ironic that perhaps I'd had to die in order to truly understand what he felt for me. He'd had my blood, even that one night a year before, so that I could better feel him love me, want me, enjoy me, more intensely than ever. Tonight, I did not in the end, in spite of all my fears of no access to sharp objects, feel feral. We'd gone on making love, talking, laughing, all out fucking, and whispering about what he'd been doing the past year for more than two hours. He'd kept my mind and my heart too engaged to feel given over into the frenzy that I could get lost in. I was left with that indelible moment of understanding. His words, his eyes, resonating in my mind. I was not a human, not a vampire. I was his. And he was mine. It simply didn't matter what we were. Of course, not even a moment after feeling that, I started thinking about how long before it would be lost. Before it would end and I'd be alone and once again forlorn. I sighed, and tried to force myself to just focus on enjoying being home, feeling safe and loved. No matter how fleeting I feared that might be.
I finished my third bottle of True Blood since sunset, then got out of bed, slipped on my pink robe and went to the bathroom, where I sat cross-legged on the toilet while he showered. I was sorely tempted to get in the shower with him but knew it wasn't a good idea. He'd end up telling me no. We had to take a break he said. I knew he was right. He hadn't even checked his email, so he was already really running pretty late because of me. But I was so very tempted to get in the shower with him. I looked away. What I wouldn't do to have a knife, or even a metal nail file right now...
As if he knew exactly, but exactly, what I was thinking, Eric said,
"What are you thinking about?"
How to explain the craving for a blade with which I could… No. I couldn't. I tried to think of something positive to say, that wasn't going to upset him. I didn't want to think of him getting out of that shower and pressing me into a wall and extracting more promises about blades and such. I rolled my lower lip inward slightly and bit down discreetly with my fangs, tasting my blood.
"So were you kidding about Pam being jealous that I can fly?" I asked, looking away and trying to make light conversation as my lip resealed.
"Maybe. She'll envy you for it. I saw you bite your lip, Sookie. And that's out, too. Just talk it out, remember? Tell me?"
I glanced at him back in the shower and quickly looked away again. Oh… he was so totally kidding himself if he thought that talking about what I wanted to be doing was going to work in this case.
"It's better to just talk about Pam," I said firmly. "If I start talking about what I'm thinking about I really don't think it's going to help…at all."
"Fine. Distraction. Whatever works. No drawing your own blood. Period. So Pam being jealous? I was joking. Too busy. Pam's so taken with Stefan these days that a lot gets by her. Maybe before she would have been but now she'll just let the entire thing slide. In November she went two whole weeks without ticking me off. Cadel says she's gone totally soft."
He had now had my full attention for another reason. I gave him a puzzled look.
"What? What do you mean about Stefan?"
He turned around and looked at me through the glass-walls of the shower stall after wiping away a patch of steamy condensation.
"Didn't she tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"Well, ever since you left, she and Stefan have been together. He had her stay with him from the first night you turned, because you were in her bed. And then, they just sort of continued whatever started from that time. Stefan has liked Pam for many, many years. But you know how Pam is. She is so emotionally cautious. In the beginning, she got really angry if anyone, even if I, mentioned anything about the two of them being together. She broke so many things tossing stuff at Cadel when he teased her about it that I had to forbid her to do so. And I forbad Cadel from mentioning Stefan to her at all for anything other than work. You know how they are with each other… He never misses an opportunity to get Pam going. Of course, Stefan was predictably quiet about everything, and made no comments about it to anyone, which is just what Pam likes. But after a while she's just become more settled with it. Now most people here know that they are together. I'm really surprised she didn't tell you. A measure of how serious it is can be taken from the fact that she's talked about knocking down the wall between their apartments evidently. Though not to me directly. Stefan asked me about it but the ideas for the unified space, the actual details, are so clearly Pam's."
I smiled as I thought about it. I liked Stefan so much. He was so gentle and good-hearted. He would be a good partner for Pam. She'd always seemed to like him though she had never admitted it, even to me. Stefan genuinely liked women and enjoyed women with opinions, much as Eric did. I reflected briefly on what Stefan had endured… I had seen some of what he had endured at the hands of Ocella, who had kept him longer than any other of his children. Stefan had been beautiful and fragile and Ocella had wanted to break him, truly break him. Only an exceptional person could go through what he had and still retain so much of their humanity let alone do it as a vampire.
"Stefan is such a good person," I said. "I like him very much. I'm very glad for Pam. She's been on her own for so long. Hunter was with us so maybe she didn't want to talk about it in front of him. Like you say, she's so private about relationship stuff. We mostly talked about Hunter and Bronwyn."
"Did Hunter tell you about the Were?"
"He thought you didn't know. I just laughed at him. He practically smells like a Were. He might as well be using Were-scent as a personal fragrance."
Eric chuckled as he rinsed shampoo out of his hair. I watched the sudsy water trail down his shoulders, his back and… Ugh! I had to stop!
"Did he tell you the Were is Bennett's daughter, Caitlin? At least that background check was clean as a whistle…" he said with a chuckle.
I pulled my attention away from my cravings and reflected on Hunter. I was still having so much trouble dealing with the idea that Hunter had known. Every time the thought filtered into my mind, I was astonished. He'd made it clear that Eric did not know, which at least made that end of things easier. He thought I would be happy again. I hoped that did not mean 'just getting by' happy. I would have to find some core of happiness before even being able to talk with Hunter about what he had seen, and what he had kept secret. He'd known for years, it seemed. I thought back to his filthy room. He must have been quite consumed with guilt to be living like that, I thought to myself. But I was annoyed with Eric and Pam for letting him live like that.
"Eric, did you know that Hunter's rooms were absolutely disgusting? And I mean disgusting. I can't believe that you didn't check on him and make him clean it up. It was horrible. I'm sure it's attracting bugs to the third floor it's so bad."
He was toweling off already. I attempted to bolt myself to my seated position and looked away while waiting for him to respond. It was so very distracting watching him. I couldn't believe that before I was turned that I could just sit there and have long conversations with Eric like this without batting an eyelash. Either something was very wrong with me then, or now, I thought to myself.
"Pam told me the first month that he was leaving everything a mess in there. She'd go in when he was out at night to just peer around and check on him for you. If you hadn't come back at the one year mark, I guess I'd have told him to get it in shape. But I figured he needed some way to express what he was going through and if it was just that, which I believe it was, I wasn't taking it away from him. He got straight A's both semesters, worked all summer sitting through countless meetings in your absence, much in excess of what he was originally doing just sitting in the great room scanning people for me. He was very responsible. I figured if that was how he wanted to deal with missing you, I ought to let him. It's his private space. I saw no harm in it."
"Well, I told him he had until sunset today to get it cleaned up. It was unhealthy and disgusting. And he wasn't just missing me. He was feeling guilty about the fact he knew this would happen to me and kept it secret. Which you already know all about it."
He turned and looked me directly in the eyes with an intense focus.
"I did not know he knew this would happen until hours after Pam had turned you. He firmly believes that he made the best choice, Sookie. He has suffered a great deal in thinking you would be angry with him. I was angry with him. He really believed in what he was doing. And it is very obvious to me from talking to him over many months that his motivation was his inability to absorb the loss of the only person who truly understood him. He does not have your resilience. He is not as independent as you are. He was your child, for all intents and purposes, for these many years. He could not bear losing you. As for his rooms, would you have preferred him to drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Screw around excessively? Honestly, Lover, sometimes I think Hunter is so restrained for his age that it's unhealthy. Thank goodness for the pretty little Were. She's quite the spitfire according to Cadel. Although, I expect that now that Hunter's coming clean on the whole thing, Cadel is going to be all over him for dating a Were. But I happen to know dirt on Cadel in this regard," he said winking at me. "I'll have to drop some hints to Hunter on the subject of foxes. No matter what he plays at, Cadel has always liked Weres and weres. For a long time before it was fashionable for vampires to do so. He had a werefox girlfriend in Munich for quite some time. He just doesn't know that Stefan and I know about her. So you have talked to Hunter, then?"
"Only a bit. I can't talk about it yet too much. I'm still just so shocked by it."
"He loves you a great deal, Sookie. He loves you more than he fears me, that's for certain."
"I don't think he has enough sense to be afraid of any of you."
"He should be afraid of me. I can still beat him at chess."
I paused for a moment thinking that this conversation was so… normal. I sat there and felt, for the first time in a year, that my life… well, my existence… was almost what it had been before. As if in that moment I had almost gotten back on some path I'd been on before that December City Council meeting. Before the night that derailed life as I knew it. It would never be the same for me. It could not be. But at least I felt as if I was myself. My eyes filled with tears.
Eric spun around and crouched down in front of me, turning my face to his.
"What's wrong? What is it?" he said softly. He looked a bit alarmed.
I couldn't reply for a minute. Then I finally said,
"It just felt… normal. Like me, almost like my life used to be. For the first time in a year. I just felt like me. Even last night, when I was with Hunter, just as I was feeling like it was all okay, I hugged him, smelled him and got hungry. But just now, just talking, I felt like… me. Almost like it was still my life, our life."
He held my face in his hands tenderly.
"It is still our life, Lover. Haven't you found anything that you enjoy about being vampire at all?"
"My friend, Mathilde, she had me make a list for myself."
"Your friend in Amsterdam is Mathilde van Voorten?" he said with a snort. "How on earth did you make a friend of her? She's head of that entire coven in Amsterdam is she not? Not that I follow witches much, but she is very well known."
'"She was in Paris, researching in the national library when I was. She likes to do all her own research. We eyed each other every day for a few weeks in February and March. We were researching in the same section, Département Surnaturelle. I was reading ancient vampire history and lore she was reading about Weres. I would come in during their early evening hours and she would have been there in the afternoon and would be finishing when I was just starting. But one day in late March, she stayed a little later and I finished earlier than usual. We left separately but close in time. There was a lot of traffic because of a demonstration in the streets. I think that one was about the new climate change accords? There are always so many strikes and demonstrations in Paris it's hard to keep track. It's quite tiresome. Well, unless you believe in the cause or something. You know, after my big fascination with the Revolution and everything, to go there and see all the demonstrations and stuff in France is really amazing. Mobs are really rather frightening. I can't imagine living back then."
He snorted again, but I ignored him since he appeared to think I was 'amusing'.
"Well, anyway, she got distracted looking at the protestors and she was bumped by a car while crossing a street. She was looking the opposite way, at the crowd, and lost her footing. She fell and bumped her head. I helped her up but she refused assistance. She was a bit unsteady on her feet so I sort of followed after her, from above, to be sure she was okay. She's much older than she looks and I was worried she wouldn't just 'bounce back', you know? She was really kind of out of it and she looked it, too. Some guy mugged her near a Métro entrance and tried to get away by entering the station. So I jumped down and caught the guy and retrieved her bag and purse, but she really seemed like the bump on her head had made her quite disoriented. I was really afraid for her. So I glamoured her a bit and then gave her some of my blood. I had her lead me to her apartment and then saw her inside and left. You can't even imagine how angry she was when she realized what I'd done. Because I didn't do anything to alter her memories, I just made her let me give her blood and lead me to her home, to be sure she'd be okay. I don't like the idea of changing someone's memories unless you really have to. Well, she and her sister Beatrix found me at the library the following day and it was like the Inquisition."
I frowned with the memory.
"Beatrix was so very upset, thinking I'd done something to Mathilde. She made all kinds of threats. They just couldn't believe that I didn't have an agenda or something. I even told them I was really young and that my blood would wear off her very quickly. They didn't care. They made all kinds of threats about what they'd do to me. I finally had to tell them to leave me alone. The next day I even went to the history stacks and read there to avoid them. I was reading about the Roman Republic. But they found me and started arguing all over again. I told them that if they planned to get rid of me to just get it over with already because they were disturbing my research and it was very annoying. They came back the next day again and I told them to leave me alone or I'd complain to the library staff. They actually laughed at the idea of a vampire complaining to the library about witches. Eventually we just started talking about books and history and I guess they decided I was sort of okay. They got me to visit them one night at their apartment and Mathilde slammed me into a confinement spell to try to question me more. It ended up being really funny. We just became friends. So that was back in March. I went to Amsterdam to visit them several times starting in early June. In the summer it was very hard to keep up with my research because the library hours were too short for me. It closed at 8 pm. So I had to stick to books I could buy, on regular Roman history, a lot of time and books about the supernatural were just not an option. But the Voortens have a private library in Amsterdam and she invited me so that I could see what they might have that would be useful. Plus, Mattias can translate all kinds of ancient languages. It was a lot easier than what I was doing, using internet translators online with my phone and stuff. If I spent time in their library I didn't have to try to hide in the National Library and stuff. I'd thought about doing that but felt bad about. Plus, it seemed really risky."
He shook his head. "This is the kind of thing that I worry about with you, Sookie. You just gave a witch your blood? Just like that, and then told her not to worry because you were very young? You went alone, to visit these witches, who were angry at you, in their apartment, got yourself spelled and it was funny?"
"They weren't angry anymore when I went to the apartment. Otherwise I wouldn't have gone. We really became friends, Eric. It was funny. And she didn't spell me. She caught me in a warded circle inside the door of their flat in Paris. I mean, they invited a vampire into their home, okay? Not like a trivial thing from their perspective, especially since I was young and ought to be starving all the time, right? So I guess they were justified keeping themselves safe. It really smacked me the first time I tried to get out because I didn't realize what it was. It knocked me off my feet and really smarted. The ward was under a rug. I pulled up the throw rug and looked at the writing really carefully then realized it was just a simple ward that I'd stepped into. So I took off one of my boots and burned it almost to a cinder rubbing out a portion of the pentagram circle and breaking it. Then I just sat on the floor where I was, so they'd feel safer and I talked to them. They gave me a four pack of True Blood and we chatted about books and things. Beatrix said clearly I knew a lot more about witches and wards than your average vampire. Mathilde found out who I was, but I still have no idea how she did. Maybe just from the US media reports or whatever. When I finally showed up in Amsterdam in June she just introduced me to her family as Sookie Northman instead of Marie Hale."
He looked at me apprehensively.
"Where did you stay in Amsterdam?" he asked, already seeming to grit his teeth.
"In their cellar. Very light tight. She made sure it was safe by warding it and putting up blackout curtains over all the openings."
He looked horrified, and the tension in his jaw showed more than just concern.
"You went and stayed with a bunch of witches that you barely knew, trusting them not to harm you during the day, Sookie?" His tone was simply incredulous.
"She was inordinately kind to me, Eric. She really wanted to protect me. And I could read their minds when I wanted to, remember? I knew I was safe with them. She helped me a great deal. I eventually told her about Amelia and our business but she already knew about that, too. She teases me and calls me their witchy little vampire. Really, maybe things would not have gone as well in Buenos Aires without her help. She taught me how to spell my stake, which was really little more than an oversized silver loaded pencil that I had in a pencil case with real pencils. It was ash and loaded with magic, to prevent it from breaking, to find it's true mark, to make its wielder only a woman and after adding my blood, only me. We wove all kinds of things into it. And she gave me my talisman. I think she knew that I was hurting myself. It made me need to do it a little less. Because up until late June, it was really bad. I was cutting myself so many times a night, especially on my thighs. Wearing it made me do it less. It was like the runes were already there or something. I don't know... Anyway, she told me if I couldn't come home, that I could live among them in Amsterdam. The Voortens almost all live in a large square near Felix Meritis. Mattias, the one with the library, is the oldest. I found out so much more about vampires of Ocella's era in his books. Mattias loved my notebooks. I mailed them home before I left Buenos Aires. You'll get to see them. I'm very proud of all my research. Anyway, they all knew I was… different from a regular vampire, somehow. They genuinely liked me because I was different. That's something I have seldom experienced."
Eric looked at me as if taking it all in hungrily, these details of the life I'd been leading away from him. Yet at the same time you didn't have to be a telepath to see he was so completely dismayed by risks I had taken that he didn't even begin to know where to start. But not wanting to upset me, he skipped it.
"So you made a list of what you liked about being vampire?" he said, steering things back to safer ground.
I hesitated and nodded once.
"And?" he pressed.
"It's pretty short."
"What is on this list?"
I met his eyes. I said guardedly,
"No more nightmares. Possibility of killing Ocella to protect you. Possibility of staying with you for a longer time, if I lived through killing Ocella."
He paused before commenting, to see if there was more. Then, when he understood there wasn't more, he turned away shaking his head and murmured something to himself in Norse, which I obviously couldn't understand. He looked back at me, and in a rare moment, rolled his eyes.
"Well, we need a longer list, Lover," he said, making an effort to sound lighthearted about it. But I could plainly see, without the need for any telepathic tricks, that he was very distressed. "You're going to have to put more serious effort into it. Clearly, the witch didn't know you at all and couldn't tell you were shirking. You can work harder on it. I'm sure of it."
I shrugged. There was, in my mind, not much more to say, really, than those.
"Do you like to fly?"
"Bugs. Smog. Not really as impressive in fact as it sounds in theory."
"Strength?"
"Not at all. I accidentally broke a glass with True Blood in a café the first week I was in Paris just by squeezing it too hard when I was thinking about something distressing. Everyone stared at me. I was very embarrassed. It got all over my clothes. I found out that True Blood stains just like real blood. I actually think that's how Delatour found out about me, because I attracted attention to myself in a public place and was clearly a vampire. Anyway, I didn't drink in cafés or in public at all after that. And I only wore black, so blood wouldn't show. Too much chance for attracting unwanted attention with the strength thing. Plus, I bent the door handle on balcony door in my apartment without meaning to and had the devil of a time fixing it. I thought I was going to have to replace the handles and I was really mad because they matched throughout the entire apartment and I really love my apartment's hardware because it was really old and in beautiful condition."
"You stayed in an apartment? Where?"
"In the sixth arrondissement. On the Rue de Verneuil, near Rue de Poitiers. That's near the Musée D'Orsay? There are many cafes and galleries nearby. It's very nice. I told Pam she can stay in it whenever she wants. As long as she's careful to clear it with the creep, Delatour, to be in Paris at all and makes it plain that she's not interested in his hijinks. If you can spare them both, she should definitely take Stefan with her, though, to be on the safe side. Clearly in his mind, any unaccompanied woman is available, whether she intends to be or not."
He looked surprised. "Wait a minute, you mean you bought the apartment?"
I nodded.
"Yes. The third week I was there. I bought the apartment and put Hunter's name on the deed, too. Since it was mine I could make it light proof, as I wished. Then I didn't have to worry about hotels or anything. I could grow things. It was much nicer. It's only four rooms, but it's very nice. I grew flowers on the balcony just like I grow things here at home. Although, I gave them to my neighbor before I left for Peru since I didn't know if I'd really come back. The building manager was supposed to contact Hunter through Mr. Cataliades if I wasn't not in contact with him by the second week of January. But I emailed him yesterday."
He looked at me with such intensity. I met his eyes but then looked away because my own started to glow. I could feel it, feel the stirring, tried to push it down again. He was so very naked and close to me. He was so damned… attractive. And we were supposed to be having a serious conversation… Maybe this is how human men feel with women, I thought in passing? I had to ask Pam if it had been this way for her because really… it was very annoying.
"In case you didn't return from Ocella…"
I just nodded trying to stay focused on the conversation. Celibacy was really hard when you were a vampire. Or more like it was hard when you stopped being celibate. Then sex became one of the only things you thought about, evidently. This was very troubling.
"You were so determined to kill him?" he asked, looking at me as if still so amazed that I had done what I had done.
"Determined isn't really a strong enough word for it, but yeah, sure. I was very determined.."
"You could have glamoured him and then tortured him."
I glanced back at him, wide-eyed. Well, that really broke the spell of the attraction for the moment…
"I'd never do such a thing, Eric. Not even for you. That would make me no better than he was. He had only seconds of the awareness of pain, and of your name. It was exactly as it should be."
"I'm not quite sure that all of us would agree, but I'm also not one to tell you how to do us a favor," he said with a chuckle. "And on the positive side, whatever your qualms about the whole lusting for sex issue, it really seems like you have the violence issues that you always disliked under excellent control, doesn't it?"
I didn't reply. I still was not very comfortable with a lot of different things, the violence thing being just one of them. The sex thing was pretty disturbing. And then there was the love thing. Mostly, I was not too hopeful about how this whole thing was supposed to work between us, in general. I felt so bound to and into him, and yet I wasn't sure how long that would last from his perspective.
"You know, speaking of lust, I've actually been thinking about what you describe and how you seem to feel. I know you say that you don't want to try feeding from a human, but I..."
I shifted uncomfortably back from him and tensed up.
"Hear me out, Sookie..." he said putting his hands on my knees. "I actually think this that is what has made it so hard for you. Because not feeding removes the strongest sensation you have as a vampire. If you take away that and replace it with a glass or a bottle, and you clearly don't like ripping people to shreds, then when you're young, it leaves you with...?" and then he looked at me with pursed lips. "So basically, unless you want to try feeding from a donor... and I'm not pushing you to... I want you to be happy and comfortable... then I think you'll just have to ride it, the lust, out until it passes. It will abate with time. But being away for your first year, well, it's like saying that you fasted when you were at your hungriest."
I looked away. I felt ashamed of how out of control I could get. If he hadn't been so much stronger than I was, I'd literally have been afraid of hurting him. He seemed not to mind how I was at all, a point I couldn't begin to understand.
"How can you like me like this?"
"I love you. And I was fasting, too. Besides, with every hour that passes with us together, I see more and more of the playful you. We will be fine, Lover. Really, we will."
He leaned forward and kissed me softly.
"I still can't believe that you bought an apartment in Paris," he muttered to himself. "What were you thinking, Sookie? All this time, what were you thinking staying so far away from me, so far from home?" he said softly.
In years past I had struggled to learn how to tell him how I really felt about emotional issues like this. Now the hurdle seemed higher than ever before. He looked me in the eye and reached out and stroked my cheek. How could I even begin to explain what I had been thinking and doing for the past year? Beyond what I'd told him about aspects of my life in Paris and Amsterdam, I really couldn't.
"Don't you have to get moving Eric? You're going to be so late."
"I canceled everything for the night."
I looked back at him in stunned surprise.
"You… what?"
"Canceled the schedule for the evening, yes. I decided I didn't want to be stuck in meetings all night, so…" he reached for the phone on the bathroom counter, picked it up and turned it off and smiled. "I sent Stefan a message before I started to shower. I canceled everything for the night. It's one of the benefits of being in charge. Even if it looks capricious, it is my will. You just got back and I wish to spend time with you. You are looking better, feeling better, acting more like yourself with my spending time with you. So what were you thinking…? When you were hidden away from me, what was your rationale?"
I smiled wanly but didn't reply at first. I hesitated and then finally said,
"I had my plan, of course, and that required time to focus and study. But more than that, I guess I didn't think you'd want me to come back. I was so horrible and you were so angry. Not that I could blame you exactly. Basically, I thought I'd come back and that you'd just tell me to go to hell. I bought the apartment so that I'd at least have a place to stay that was mine, that was away from here. By the time I went to Peru I figured I'd just come back and tell you what I'd done and that would be the end of it. I didn't know exactly what I'd choose to do then. About myself, I mean. Mathilde's talisman is spelled with all kinds of things to keep me from harming myself permanently I think. I stopped thinking about the dawn in a strong urge kind of way. Though she didn't know exactly why I was going to kill a vampire in South America, because I'm not so sure that they have access to the database and knew it had to be your sire I was after, I think she worried that when I was done with the whole business that I'd be done with myself. I told her I was coming back to Louisiana to just visit. She never asked me exactly why I left. But anyway, in order learn how to spell my stakes, I had to agree to wear the talisman for two years. I had this fantasy about just going back to Paris for a year and a half and then watching the sun rise over Paris from top of the Cathedral or something. Although, I still worried about what would happen with Hunter. So I didn't know what I'd do after Ocella, really. I didn't have a clear plan. Beyond that, it really didn't seem important- what I'd do, where I'd go. I just had to get rid of him for you. For the four of you. And then what I did didn't matter. My promise to you would expire and soon enough my promise to Mathilde would expire and I could see the sun again if I wanted to."
I sighed and didn't even bother looking at him. I could feel what he thought…
"So Mathilde knew what you were doing to yourself?"
"I think she knew. The runes on the talisman were ones I put in my flesh. Somehow she knew. Sometimes I did have trouble reading her. But I could see that her intentions with me were always benevolent. In the end she even made me promise that I'd come back to Amsterdam if I didn't stay here in Louisiana. She wouldn't let me alone about it. She actually offered that I could live in the cellar of their home. That they would renovate it and make it much more livable. But I told her that I would prefer to live apart from them if I came back. I found an area I like very much. The Jordaan? A lot of galleries, cafes. I enjoyed the ambiance. I even looked at houses and apartments there. But time was too tight for me to look in great depth. I was preparing to go to Peru and needed to go back to Paris and set things in order there. Anyway, I gave her my word that I'd come back to Amsterdam if I couldn't stay here in New Orleans. I guess if I couldn't stay here, then I could easily live there in the Jordaan. I like the Dutch. They seem so… very tolerant of all of us. I did not feel like I was out of place there. Yeah, I could live there… Although my spoken Dutch is still so bad," I murmured.
He looked at me and shook his head, making a slow huff sound.
"How could you possibly think I wouldn't want you to come home?" he said in disbelief.
"Because I was horrible. Truly horrible. Yes, I was murdered. Yes, Pam turned me against my wishes, by mistake, but even in the state I was in, I could still feel her grief and fear about what she'd done. I knew it was really a mistake on her part. But I was angry you let the mistake stand. And this is all without getting into the whole issue of Hunter. Any way you look at it, I was absolutely horrible to you. I was so angry that it was against my will. I felt violated. But no matter what the excuse, I was just horrible. To the person I loved most."
"For two nights. Not even two whole nights. Do you honestly think that you could obliterate fifteen years because of only two nights of anger?"
"With the right kind of anger… yes. Absolutely."
"Sookie, do you honestly think that I would throw away fifteen years with someone I genuinely love because of two nights when you had a reason to be angry? How could you think that I would find nothing salvageable in you, in us because of two nights? You know, that's almost as upsetting to me as running away or stabbing and cutting yourself."
"You've put up with a lot because of me, Eric. I've brought you harm. I've brought you strife. And I don't quite fit. Even now. I make things harder. Look at Andor, who doesn't…"
He cut me off.
"We have not been easily bound into each other's lives. But we have 'put up with it' because we loved each other. And the fuck with Andor! Andor has always been like this, Sookie. After a thousand plus years of Andor, I know exactly far he stretches. He does not deal with change or the unorthodox well. He likes rules and is very old-fashioned, especially about women. He was barely married, never a parent. What was Andor's life experience before he was changed? A chieftain's son with access to any pretty slave he saw? You have challenged his every conception of what a woman, let alone a woman with a vampire, is supposed to be. But no matter what Andor says or how he acts, he does like you. And he respects you a great deal. He just does not understand you or us. You and I together are a mystery to him that he does not comprehend. He was angry because I was hurt by your leaving, and couldn't comprehend why I was so confident that we would be fine when you return. He does not understand."
I tried to absorb the thought that Andor respected me. I wasn't so sure, especially not after this latest round of adversity. And part of me couldn't understand Eric's confidence that we would be fine when I returned. It was so hard to hang onto those moments of feeling that I understood and trusted to his feelings for me, like that one earlier in the evening. So very hard to believe that his feelings would last any significant period of time. And yet, my love for him was the reason I'd come back. In spite of all my fears.
"My loving you was the only reason that I decided to even try to come back at all. And even then, I considered whether my coming back would just make me angry all over again. I was afraid of that. I seriously considered just sending you the ring, along with the notebooks. So that you would know you were really free. All of you," I whispered.
"Then I would have gone after you. Just as I did before, and I'd have stopped at nothing to find you," he said shaking his head. He looked kind of disgusted. "You know, I can't believe you at times,"
"I have the potential to weaken your position Eric. Having an out of control vampire wife doesn't appear to be high on anyone's list of assets. And it's a huge step down from the nice little blonde human wife who helped your mainstreaming image."
His mood shifted slightly at that idea.
"Are you planning to remain permanently out of control? You look so innocent and calm in your pink bathrobe. Are you sure about this?" he said, looking at me with amusement, tugging on the front of my bathrobe so more cleavage showed. "You really don't look all that potentially damaging from the present vantage point."
I swatted his hand away because that was the very last thing I was going to need to stay on track in this conversation.
"Seriously, you know how I am, Eric. Look at what Andor said about rules or protocols or whatever. I've never been a very polished person. My temper so often gets the better of me. Ask Nan Flanagan. And now? What kinds of things could I do now if I'm angry? I have bad memories of what Cadel can do when he gets angry. Or what I've heard you've done when you're angry. So, I'm just a real prize now, aren't I? It's not like I'm going to lie to myself and say I was the easiest person to live with before. But look at me now… Yeah, I'm thinking I should keep practice my Dutch dipthongs."
"I don't give a damn about Nan Flanagan or the lovely mainstreaming human wife angle. Never have and never well. And as for the protocol business… you showed me respect in public, Sookie. That's all the protocol required. You really are outside the box as my wife, and everyone knows that. You were before and it won't take much advising people about the fact that you still are now. I have ways of making the message rather clear." He smiled with fangs.
I was just quiet. After a moment's thought and making a dissatisfied huff, he asked,
"If you really believed I would not take you back, why even bother going after Ocella?"
"But, I told you before. I couldn't stand the idea he could go after you. No matter where I'd end up, I wanted to do it. For you, for all of you. I worried about what could happen if he came back. What he could do to any of you, or to Pam or Markus to hurt you or Andor. You were my family. And after I met him, talked to him, saw his thoughts, I was even more worried."
He looked at me soberly, shaking his head.
"You just have no idea how lucky you were. I could have lost you and I'd never have known what happened to you unless he came looking to tell me because he got it out of you who you were to me. I don't even want to imagine what he would have done to you if he'd found out you were my wife." He looked away shaking his head as if horrified by that thought.
"I wrote you a letter. It was in the apartment. It was a letter of apology, and I told you what I'd gone to do and that if you had the letter, it meant I was dead for good. I didn't want you not to know what had happened. You always hated that, and I saw what that had done to… a friend… who had something sort of similar happen. Not knowing. It's a very bad thing on a person."
He snorted.
"A letter. A letter telling me you'd gone after my sire? Charming."
"I knew it was a crazy plan. But it was my plan. And I knew once I met him that if I could get past the whole being scared of him thing, my plan would work, too. Because I played to his greatest weakness. He was so in need of appreciation."
"Appreciation?"
"He enjoyed my understanding of just how remarkable he was, and how remarkable his history was. It was beyond his wanting flattery. He wanted genuine appreciation of what and who he was. But he was living a discreet life. So such recognition was hard to come by, because he was very conflicted about being recognized."
"He was not happy about being found then?"
I looked at him narrow eyed and shook my head.
"Well you don't change your name five times if you're eager to have people find you, right? Even Eduard Delatour only changed his name once and that was for convenience and property. Let's just say that you four aren't his only dissatisfied customers. No, 'Jesús' was not very delighted initially when I found him and introduced myself and appeared to know exactly who he really was. If ever there was a time when he was likely to kill me that was it. I really think he would have too, if we hadn't been talking in such a public place. He didn't want to attract further attention to himself. I had to assure him of my utmost discretion and desire to maintain his privacy by using a pseudonym or just saying he was anonymous. That the only thing I wanted was the history. His glorious history."
"How did you do it, Sookie? Convince him to talk to you? I still cannot fathom it, having known the man," he whispered, almost to himself.
"I studied long and hard, Eric. I was truly a historian. You'll see it in all my notes. And I was a woman. He didn't like women much. But in the end he trusted me because I was a woman. There was no reason for him to think some little vampire woman was out to get him. And I was so young. His complete underestimation of me was surely his downfall. By the third time I met with him with all my cool notebooks and carefully prepared questions he was actually enjoying himself, enjoying that fact that I really appreciated his incredible history."
He gave me a strange look.
"Sometimes you sound almost as if you admired him."
"No. But it was amazing to talk with him. To hear his perspective on history. Not just vampire history, but history. It's like talking to you about the French Revolution and Napoleon or about the Renaissance, except that it was all the way back to the Roman Republic. He'd known some very ancient vampires. What he had seen, had learned, it was quite fascinating. On the other hand, what he'd been doing throughout history… well…"
"I still have trouble envisioning how this played out."
"It was many hours of talking, his getting distracted with his sense of his own importance, and my being really fast taking out my oversize ash pencil."
"Weren't you afraid to be there with him? I cannot envision it. You could see his thoughts, his memories. How could you not be afraid of him?"
"When I first met him, first let him get the idea that I knew his real identity, it was very scary. But for the rest, no. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain for the people I loved. It was like another iteration of all the risks I've taken in the past that paid off. I was already dead, after all, and I haven't been afraid to die for years. I was only afraid of being… Like this," she whispered. "So of course, that is exactly what got handed to me."
He looked sadly at me.
"Have you really found nothing else that makes you enjoy being vampire?"
"I don't get blisters on my feet. I don't have to shave my legs and stuff. I don't have to worry when I break a nail. But compared to the other three things on my list, those seem rather trivial, you know?"
"Maybe in the end you can add sex to the list of advantages?"
"So being out of control with you, or walking around with all kinds of urges, attracting people I have no real interest in, is an advantage in your eyes? Very interesting. I'd have certainly thought otherwise given your track record of snarling over my head at anyone looking at me a little too closely. And then there was that whole being forbidden to um… well, I don't think I want to go over that one again. Definitely not a good moment, not by a long shot, that night…"
"You still seem to be enjoying yourself quite a bit, no?"
"Maybe too much, at least when I think about trying to retain who I am." I looked away. Yeah, somehow being in a frenzy over sex just didn't quite seem like me…
"As I said, it will improve. And in the interim, the only way to learn the self-control is to test your self-control, right? Practice resisting a bit, slowing down, staying calm. You are so playful at heart. To be playful requires slowing down."
"I'm thinking I'm so not succeeding then, Eric." At least not without the assistance of something nice and sharp to keep my thoughts under control or letting him sort of put my mind in a vise grip or something.
He looked at me and laughed.
"If it makes you feel any better, I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. We can go on working on it. In the meantime, I'm planning to come up with creative ways to satisfy your... " he gave me a very wry smile and licked his lips, "needs."
I gave him a dark look.
"Uh huh. Right. What ways?" I asked crossing my arms.
"No need to start worrying yourself. Maybe less black, and a little less… coverage. Especially since you won't get cold now. I'm thinking along the lines of things that Nan Flanagan would love to see you in. But discreetly, so don't start giving me that look. No squandering of your underlying values. And I can still think of many, many things we have not tried. I will keep you quite busy. In any case, you should shower and I will check my email."
"MmmmHmmm," I said nodding. I uncrossed my legs and stretched them out, then hugged them around his hips.
"What do you want to do tonight? Stay here? Go out?" he said in a jovial tone.
"I don't know."
He shifted my legs, rose and then bent down to kiss me.
"Then shower and get dressed. We're going out."
"Where?" I asked, somewhat apprehensively. I was dreading all the explaining myself to friends and family that lay ahead of me.
"Don't worry. I want to show you the most recent renovations at the estate. You'll need to help make decisions with me about where we go from here with it. I'll do my email. Then we can go."
After showering I stood in my closet trying to decide what to wear. I still wanted to wear black. I compromised and put on black slacks and a dark blue top and a red scarf with my black leather jacket. Eric looked none to pleased but said nothing. I was surprised when we left the rooms that instead of going downstairs, as in heading to the garage, we went upstairs to the roof, where Andor and Cadel awaited. I looked askance at Eric.
"I want to see you fly, Lover," he murmured with a smile.
"I'm really hoping she flies faster than she drives because otherwise you can just meet me there," said Cadel with a smirk.
With a quick kiss to Eric, made on tiptoe, I flew off the roof and was gone in the blink of an eye. Maybe even in a vampire's eye. I was quite fast. It was, however, annoying that when I alighted just inside the main gate of the estate and started walking toward the main house, I found Cadel playing a game on his phone while sitting cross-legged atop the porte-cochère. He looked up casually and said,
"You know, they don't give tickets for flying too fast. You've no need to worry. You can really let loose in the air. No need to be so slow and cautious." He sighed. "I was beginning to get quite bored waiting. You're almost as slow as… Never mind."
Eric alighted right next to me.
"Cadel, you really need to watch your mouth," said Eric.
"Last, I looked it was just fine, Eric. Even had all my teeth. A rarity among the 17th Century Welsh, I assure you. Can you say the same, my Viking brother?"
Eric flew at him but Cadel was gone, in a trail of laughter, by the time Eric had moved the twenty feet or so to the top of the port-cochère and was grabbing at empty air.
No, Cadel was standing right next to me and punched a finger at his iPhone game with relish. Without even looking up at Eric, he said,
"You know, I've got a date later. She looked rather… open-minded, if you take my meaning. I'd like to put the move on this little venture since it was, technically, my night off. Do we have to wait for Andor? Can't he just find us? It could take hours if we have to wait."
Suddenly, Andor rested a heavy hand on Cadel's shoulder.
"Eric, I've forgotten… Was I letting his insults pass or…"
Cadel was gone, with another trail of laughter as the only clue as to his direction and Eric was instantly back at my side. He picked up my hand and we walked to the main doors and he unlocked them. Andor trailed behind us.
All the public rooms were now renovated. I'd picked, along with Pam, a lot of the finishing elements of the renovation. From mouldings to wallpapers and fabrics and banisters, to built-in shelving in the library. Pam had been busy selecting furniture. It looked beautiful. It was obvious that no further work had been done upstairs, however. We walked outside in the dormant garden. I could see that all the roses had been pruned back for winter and realized that Pam must have taken over my supervising the gardeners. I had left her with so much extra work by my leaving, I thought to myself. And likely Amelia, too. I shuddered to imagine what had become of the job for Maude.
While Cadel and Andor milled around the grounds, Eric and I sat up on top of the gazebo. He scooted up behind me and then pulled me toward him so that I could lean back against him.
"So do you like it enough to live here? Should we sink more into it? Because to make it really livable for the eight of us, I'm thinking we'd almost double what we've already spent. That's not even considering the revolving expenses of additional staff, security… But we'd have greater privacy. And that separation from being so close to work."
I started thinking about time, as in length of time in the future to be spent with Eric, and I started to feel uneasy. How long, I wondered? How long before…
"What's wrong?" he asked softly, leaning his chin against my head. "You went all sad."
"I don't know. You really don't think I'll end up in Amsterdam, eventually?" I asked softly. "Maybe you should just do what you want with it, Eric."
He leaned around to look at me more closely and then shook his head and looked away.
"You know, I'm really hoping after a few centuries that you'll have a better opinion of me, Lover. Exactly what is the basis of this ongoing theory, may I ask? I always had such a high opinion of you. It's really distressing at this point that you have such a poor one of me. Only one of us here has had a tendency to walk away and it certainly wasn't me."
"You know what I meant, Eric." I said hastily, regretting that I'd even said what was on my mind.
"Amsterdam is not an option." He sighed heavily. "So Mrs. Northman, we have to decide what we're going to do with this place. Do we want to renovate it to live here or not? This is the question of the hour… More construction or not? We're not getting lost in some ruminative and unfounded musings about things that are not going to happen. I'm trying to have a constructive conversation. Ah… now that was a bad one…" he chuckled to himself.
I groaned internally at the pun.
I know you love me, Eric. I feel you do. But I guess my point is that I wonder how long that lasts. And part of me feels like you're asking me to plan for a future I'm not sure I'll have for all that long compared to how long I'm likely to last. I'm having adjustment issues with that thought. I don't want make a bunch of plans and then find that things are over. So maybe it's better for you to make things as you wish and I'll just go with that.
You're pissing me off. I have no idea how long it 'lasts' because I've never had it before. And I think I'm in a position to be far more concerned than you are, given our history of your taking off. If we last even half as long as your fears seem to last, we evidently have eternity. And I seem to have made a vow that pretty much guaranteed you that. Watch it, or I'll make you do the whole thing all over again with no exit option in that one, either. Now,
"Do you want to live here, or not, Sookie? It's really a simple yes or no question."
"I guess so. It's kind of fancy but I guess it would be nice to be in a real house, and to have a garden."
"That's a yes? It sounds mostly like a yes?" he sighed as he pulled me closer around the waist and bent his head to rub his chin on my shoulder.
In something of a non sequitur I murmured, "I think I'm almost as fast as Cadel," rather impressed with myself. "I think he'd just sat down and was faking that he'd been there for a bit. Cadel's such a faker for some things... I think he almost had me tricked."
"Well, I wasn't even trying to be fast and you are not answering me. We have to come to a decision, Sookie. Yes or no?"
"I like it here," I said softly.
He started tickling me while grumbling about how utterly impossible I was.
"Yes!" I managed to squeak out with my laughter. I was still so very ticklish.
"Ah, the evening wind has spoken at last..." he practically purred in my ear.
"It's awfully far from where my date is, though," said Cadel, unexpectedly from behind us.
"Good thing you're so fast then, isn't it?" retorted Eric.
Cadel stepped carefully, balancing on the edge next to us as he sat.
He glanced over at me and pretended to do a double take.
"Bloody hell! What happened? She's a vampire, Eric!" he said with an expression of mock dismay.
Eric shook his head with feigned disgust.
"Just go on your way, Cadel. I'm sure we'll be fine with Andor," he said.
"Don't know about that. He's got no sense of humor. It pains me to call him a blood relation. I'm not sure I'll let the two of you alone with him. She's looking rather fragile still. I'm thinking he'll drain all the remaining joy out of her with his piss poor attitude. I'd best stay."
"You just want to stay to piss him off," said Eric with wry smile.
"There is that, yeah. So Solsken Sookie likes it here but no one ever thinks to ask Andor, Stefan, Markus or me if we like it. It's all about Sookie and Pamela. I'm feeling very second class at the moment. I guess the Boyo doesn't count, either?"
Why is he calling you that?
He's hacked my email account. That's the name of it.
He stiffened and at first I thought he was going to be angry and start questioning when Cadel had hacked into my account. But he surprised me.
You loved your sunshine so much, min älskade. I do not ever take for granted all the many things you have given up to be with me. By choice or no. That alone ought to make you think about how easily I could discard your affection.
My eyes welled with tears and I turned away, pressing my face into his shoulder. He combed his fingers through my hair. We'd each cost each other quite a bit at various times in the past fifteen years.
"I'm thinking the silence is admission of guilt. So I'll just say that I like the place. It would be nice to be away from the bustle some of the time. I know you'll laugh to hear me say it, but it's true. Of course, Stefan will like it because Pamela likes it. But he might have liked it anyway, before she tried telling him what to like. He does like quiet and gardens. Being from that privileged background and all. Are you two listening to a bloody word I say? All caught up in your silent conversations? You'd think you hadn't seen each other in forever. Oh yeah," he said snapping his fingers, "that's right…"
"Cadel?" I said quietly.
"Fy chwaer?"
"Are you ever going to quit kidding around?"
He seemed to hesitate but then quickly said,
"Nah. Probably not. Old habits and all."
I smiled and hugged Eric's arm closer.
"Good," I said softly.
From the other side of the gazebo, Andor's low voice rumbled,
"Living in America is no better at all, then."
We all laughed.