Coda

"But why would she do that?" asked Andor, looking rather shocked.

"She said it was something she was doing to help her control herself."

"She did it only the one time?"

"No," said Eric, quietly, shaking his head. "She told me that she had done it many times. Every night since she left, sometimes several times a night, and… You had to have seen it to believe it. She wasn't just slashing herself with the blade as if to give blood. She was stabbing herself, scoring into her flesh deeply, carving patterns. Like runes, even names she said. On her forearm, her thighs…"

Andor made a pained face.

"But why?" he reiterated.

Eric reached around on his desk and looked at a printout.

"I did some research on it. And I've already done the wrong thing. Because I got angry and made her promise not to do it anymore, which they say just has the potential to create more stress. But the list of reasons people do it is… well," he sighed, then read out loud "anger, feelings of loss of control, problems expressing emotions, history of sexual abuse, trauma… " He shook his head and put the paper back on his desk, looking bleak. He glanced over at Pam who was turned slightly away. It might as well be a catalog listing of Sookie's negative feelings, problems and experiences.

"Are you alright?" Stefan asked Pam softly, putting his arm around her.

Her blue eyes welled with tears. She shook her head.

"No. I am very distressed," she said, in a choked voice.

Stefan looked over at Eric and said,

"Did you tell Cadel?"

"Not yet. I'll tell him later. I can just imagine how he's going to take this little revelation."

"Hunter?" continued Stefan.

Eric stiffened.

"No. And we will not tell Hunter. It would be very hard for him to deal with."

And very hard for him to see that things were not quite as okay as he had seen them to be when she returned. He didn't think that any of them, even Cadel, were aware that Hunter had known she would be turned. They knew only that he had seen her safe return. For Hunter to know that she had been doing such things to herself, for an entire year, nightly… He shuddered to imagine it. He had to protect Hunter from such things. Hunter and Sookie had still not even really talked about what he had known and his choices yet. They had just touched on it. No, Hunter had been through enough already.

Andor shifted uncomfortably where he stood. He hesitated and then finally said,

"I just don't understand how this can be the same person that has done the things that she has done. The person who killed Ocella or worked for the FBI or was always so… brave, so strong. How is it that she is doing these things to herself as if she hates herself?"

"Andor, you have never understood her so it's hardly a surprise that you still don't," said Eric in bitter tone. "She views what has happened to her as losing herself. It represents something that is fundamental to her. I cannot even begin to explain it. It goes back many years. But that is not my point in telling you three this. If you catch her doing this, just… be kind. Try to get her to stop, but kindly. No," and here he looked askance at Andor, "belittling or overreacting. No commenting on it in her presence or frankly, at all. Under any circumstances. I do not wish her to be made to feel any worse. This is my decree and all of you had better abide by it."

Pam looked up at him.

"You can't compel her at all? Not even a bit?"

Eric shook his head.

"I haven't even tried after that first night and it clearly wasn't working well even then. And now? She is so much stronger now than she was then, mentally. She is very frightened by not being in control of herself. She always has been. I am afraid that I would only make things worse. We need to be very focused on improving things."

"But…" Andor started to interject.

Eric just raised a hand and waved him into silence.

Stefan said soberly,

"So you are worried that she could seriously harm herself, I take it. That she is still so unhappy that she could do something more serious?"

Eric paused before responding.

"I honestly don't know. I do not want to think she would. I think she feels how much everyone wants her to be here, to be well, to be happy again. I think we just need to be careful not to make it worse."

Stefan nodded and then said softly.

"She will get better, Eric. Keep Cadel with her. Cadel is very good for this, as I myself can vouch. Even if he is angry still with you and with Pam over the whole situation, he is very glad that she is here and that she will remain with us. Cadel will be helpful. He makes her happy, just as you do. As Hunter and Bronwyn and Pam do."

Eric just nodded. Hunter had seen her happy. He'd said it would take time. But time was a very long arrow. Unhappiness always seemed to make it stretch interminably.

"Runes?" asked Andor with puzzlement.

"She said her favorite is Mannaz." He looked at Pam. "It represents the soul. The individual." He shuddered and said, "She was carving it into her arm when I caught her."

Pam remained expressionless, but turned away from them, simply unable to take in any more of it. Stefan encircled her to comfort her, resting his cheek on her head.

Finally, Andor said quietly,

"I still do not understand why she went after Ocella. Why she would go so far, and take such a risk when she was so young? Still so fragile… And so unhappy as one of us. Why would she do such a thing? It was a crazy risk to take. She could have just told us where he was. Why did she do it herself?" He looked over at Eric as if he still couldn't believe she'd done it.

Pam wheeled around, breaking free from Stefan's embrace. Eyes gone wild and red, she snarled at him,

"Because she loves us!"

[4 (again, just for good measure)]

After they'd left his office Eric picked up the printout of the email that Cadel had captured going out of her Solsken Sookie yahoo email account to someone named Anaïs. Clearly one of the Dutch witches in spite of the name. He read the quotation, which hadn't been there in her emails that Cadel had captured the day before, again. It was the slender sign of her striving for happiness. On this we will build, he thought to himself. On this we will build, my Sunshine.

---- ∞ ----

Ani,

Dank u voor het boek! Wij zullen spoedig praten. Ik mis u allen.

Omhelzingen,

Sookie

The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have. ~ Anna Quindlen