A/N: Haha, I found this draft the other day and after a few revisions I have something to post again. Woot! Only one chapter left after this.

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Balthier. He's the sexiest sky pirate I know. And no, Tim, Cloud is not sexier.

"I knew I could count on Fran," Balthier said cheerfully. He shoved Vaan into the bedroom in front of him and closed the door.

"What was that all about?" Vaan demanded.

"What was what?" Balthier asked. He looked critically at the change of clothes laid out for them.

"What was with the 'bend over and pick up the soap and then get a pain in the ass'?" Vaan waved his hands around dramatically. "And then there's the 'Vaan, I'm the leading man and I'm oh so mannered and way too concerned with bathing and stuff, but I like to sit around naked and watch people bathe cause I'm a pervert!"

Balthier laughed quietly and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Vaan, you truly have no idea what is going on."

"Of course I don't! You're weird. That's all I know. What kind of normal person climbs in the tub with you and tries to make your life a living hell and make your ass hurt as much as they can. That's not normal!"

Balthier laughed even harder. "Vaan, did your parents neglect to tell you about the birds and the bees?"

Vaan's cheeks puffed out in indignation. "Don't talk about my parents, asshole. And for your information, the birds and the bees involve a man and a woman. Do I look like a girl to you?"

Balthier shook his head slowly. "Vaan, my darling. Let me let you in on a little secret. When a dashing sky pirate loves a scruffy, unkempt little sand urchin very much, he tends to do some very unexpected things to the object of his affection."

Vaan made a face. "Are you talking about me?"

"None other." Balthier smiled charmingly.

"So…me…and you? That's…that's really weird."

Balthier stood and advanced towards Vaan. "Now that you're all cleaned up, you're more attractive than I thought."

Vaan scowled. "Ew."

Balthier lifted one eyebrow questioningly. "So, Vaan, what do you think of baths now?"

"I think it's better to take a bath by myself." Vaan looked desperately around for an exit, but Balthier was blocking the door.

"Vaan, I don't really know why I've taken a liking to you, but I have." Balthier grinned and reached for Vaan.

"Get away from me!" Vaan screeched, jumping back from Balthier and stumbling over the bedposts in the process.

Balthier smiled down at Vaan, who was now splayed out across the floor. "Ah, I love it when a plan comes together, don't you, Vaan?"

"No!" Vaan said quickly, a look of panic in his eyes.

"Relax, Vaan. I'll be gentle." Balthier bent over him and kissed Vaan's forehead.

Vaan struggled as Balthier pinned him down. "I don't want to!" Vaan protested. "I don't care if I never get to fly your stupid airship. This is weeeeeeeird!"

Balthier had heard enough. He shut Vaan up with a gentle kiss. "I promise to take good care of you, Vaan."

Vaan squirmed, making a face. "But you're supposed to do this with girls."

"Not necessarily."

"Why wouldn't you want to do this to a girl? Don't you like girls?"

Balthier sighed. "Come on, Vaan. Let me show you to a mirror." Balthier steered Vaan over to the mirrored vanity and gestured at Vaan's reflection. "Do you see how you look after a bath?"

Vaan gaped at his reflection. "That's not me. I don't look like that."

"With those layers of grime scrubbed off you, yes." Balthier smiled. "You see how much better you look now?"

"I'll say!" Vaan said enthusiastically. His skin was a healthy tan glow and his blonde hair seemed bright and shiny. Even his eyes were more vibrant.

Balthier clapped his hands on Vaan's shoulders. "So, I'll ask you again. How do you feel about baths now?"

Vaan smiled at his reflection. "Well, I like how I look. I'm sure all the girls will be crazy about me."

Balthier's hands tightened on Vaan's shoulders. "There will be no chasing after girls."

"Why not?" Vaan whined. "Don't the sky pirates get all the girls?"

"I thought you were giving up on being a sky pirate."

Vaan hesitated. "Well…."

Balthier smirked. "Interesting."

Vaan flushed pink. "It's not that I like stuff shoved up my ass, but I really want to be a sky pirate."

Balthier shook his head. "Vaan, you have so much to learn." He sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled Vaan into his arms.

Vaan cautiously laid his head on Balthier's chest. "So that was, um, sex? What we did? I didn't think it would hurt like that."

Balthier fondly ran his fingers through Vaan's hair. "It usually hurts a bit the first time. I'll try to be gentler in the future."

Vaan frowned. "Yeah, I didn't expect sex to be like that at all. Just a few minutes of pain and flailing around. I don't know why people are so crazy about it."

Balthier smirked. "Oh, so now you have complaints about my endurance? I'll gladly take up that challenge right now. Just a few minutes, eh? I'm sure I can make it last much longer."

"N-no, that's okay," Vaan said nervously. He tried to discreetly slide out of Balthier's arms and bolt for the door.

But Balthier was one step ahead, already undoing Vaan's towel. "You're not going anywhere until I prove myself to you," Balthier said firmly.

Vaan's screams echoed through the corridors.