(: next chapter. I love you, flower. :)
In this chapter, you get to see the bad side of Sam,
and the reason he hates his past.
Chapter idea inspired by;
Spring Awakening The Bitch of Living
It has been three years, 207 days, and 15 hours since I joined Nolan and Chase. All the unsure thoughts I had three years ago were now simple fragments of my mind. Chase and Nolan turned out to be my buddies, and they accepted me, despite of everything I said to my family. They both agreed that my father should burn in hell, and I was grateful for that at least. Also, I learned a lot from Chase and Nolan. They weren't just a couple of kids who thought they knew everything - like I was.
Chase taught me how to mature. He showed me that everything wasn't just hanging out, drinking, living life, and women. I doubted this for a moment - hey, I'm twenty-one - but then Chase showed me some pretty screwed up stuff that happened in his life. I felt sorry and bad for him, and I found myself trying to cheer him up when he broke down. I can't repeat these things, and I told him I'd take what he told me to the grave. Despite my feelings about his "wisdom", I did learn a few good things.
Nolan, although, showed me one hell of a time. His girlfriend, Sidney, dumped him six months after he told me he wanted to marry her. Struken with sorrow, I took him to a nearby club. If I thought he was going to get drunk, I sure was wrong....
-flashback-
Music blasted in my ears, and I couldn't help but smile. Looking over to Nolan, who I'd planned to take here to get him to have a good time without Sidney, I jerked my head towards the bar. He smirked, nodding and following me as I led the way.
"What do you drink, Sam?" Nolan asked casually, leaning over the bar. I sat down next to him, shaking my head.
"I don't drink," I said, running a hand through my messy russet hair. Nolan laughed.
"Shut up. Here, try this," he looked to the bar tender. "Oy, two black russians." he tapped his finger on the bar. I frowned,
"No way, I am not doing shots," I protested, but Nolan ignored me and pushed the small drink towards me.
"Do it. I dare you. Chickennnnnn," he taunted, smiling. He picked up his. "I'll do it with you, ready?"
I picked the drink up, sighing. He smiled, "Three!" and threw his head back. I did the same, letting the liquid flow to my tounge and down my throat. It burned, and I pulled my lips back. Nolan looked unharmed, but I took a breath. The taste was sweet, but too strong.
"What was that?" I asked, hand clutching the bar top.
"Vodka and Rum." he replied simply. "Was it good?"
"Yeah, it was." I admitted. "Kind of strong though,"
"You really never drank before, really?" he asked, grabbing another, different looking drink.
Shrugging, "Not really. I'm underaged remember?" I said under my breath. Nolan shrugged.
"Not like it's going to affect your growth," he winked, handing me another small glass.
"Margarita?" I raised an eyebrow, taking the glass.
"Aha! I knew you weren't stupid, kiddo."
I laughed, shaking my head and drinking a large gulp. It was good, sweeter than the other one, but also not strong. I drank plenty of different things, and soon, I was dead drunk. Nolan laughed at me.
"Dude, your wasted!"
"I am not!" I protested, my words coming out differently than I expected. He laughed, almost falling off the stool. "How long we been here?" I blinked, the music suddenly extremely loud.
"Days...hours....years...who cares! I'm havin' fun!" he threw his hands up, then looked through the crowd. "Look, girls."
I blinked, looking over. There were a group of girls, all dancing too exotic and inappropiate for their age. But, I had to admit, I liked it. Nolan smiled, "Watch and ....learn." I cracked a laugh, taking a sip of wine then watched him stumble over to the ladies. He spun around after one girl attatched herself to his arm, impressed by his muscular figure and talk. He waved me over and I sighed, coming over. Three girls' eyes lit up as they took me in, and damn, I was flattered.
"This is my buddy, Sam."
"Yo," I said, completely uninterested. Though, the girl on the right was kinda hott. Her hair was smooth, black, and long. Her eyes held me, and I had to look away. She reminded me of someone I knew...I shook my head.
"Whats your name again?" she asked, catching my attention yet again.
"Sam," I said, over the music.
"Cool, I'm Vera. Do you...want to go upstairs? It's less noisy." she asked. I nodded, shrugging. Nolan urged me on, already interested in the girl on his arm. Well, glad he was having fun and didn't have Sidney on his mind. Vera led me upstairs, to a room full of couches and smoke. The music was dimmed, and I could actually hear myself think.
"How old are you?" she asked me, fluttering her lashes. I swallowed.
"I'm almost twenty-two," I lied. I'm only eighteen.
She opened her eyes a bit. "Really? I'm only twenty, " she laughed.
We stood there, talking for quite a while as the songs downstairs went by and the people upstairs descended. I smiled, liking my time with her, and just thinking unclearly from the alcohol. We got to really know eachother. Then, we were kissing. We kissed like two screwed up teenagers - then we were moving. Not standing, laying down. Then she was giggling, and I was.. sort of stopping myself. Then she asked to go back to her apartment and I found myself agreeing. Then, I never heard the end of it from Nolan when I got home a day later....
-end-
I shivered, the memory coming back to me. Who knew that a bar could turn you into a freaking insane idiot? I sure didn't. Well, I did, but..
Ah, screw it. So, Nolan taught me some pretty fun things. I drink now, not as much, but I drink enough to get myself loosened up so I don't turn a party pooper. I do my best not to get myself into things that I'll regret, like my time with Vera. My pureness, my virtue, was gone in a day because of god damn stupidity, and I hated myself for it. Chase taught me how to forgive myself, so I held on tightly and was careful not to let life get the better of me.
But I have even bigger problems than my idiocy. Even after these three years, I still think about Natalie. I'm even convinced the reason I hooked up with the girl at the bar was because she reminded me of her. I missed her a lot, as my best friend. I wanted her here with me so I could laugh, be myself, and just have a good time. But alas, I couldn't. I haven't heard from her since that day so long ago. The memory was distant, blurred...
"Hey, Sam, get your head in the game." Nolan smacked me. I blinked, looking at him.
"Yea, sorry."
"Whats wrong, Sam? You look distracted." Chase said, leaning on the table across from me. I sighed, playing with a straw wrapper. We were sitting in the middle of a cafe called "Cafe Olivia" where the service sucked but you dealt with it because nobody cares enough to humor you. We'd been waiting for our food for a good half hour now.
"I'm just thinking about the past three years, you know?" I shrugged. Nolan looked at me, confused.
"So? Not having regrets are ya, kid?" he flicked me and I punched his shoulder.
"No. I'm just thinking about my mistakes."
"You think too much."
"Don't think about the past. The past is past, the future is what you should be afraid of." Chase said, his face worried.
"Maybe." I said. "But I was thinking about moving on, actually."
"What?" Nolan hissed, almost choking on his sodapop. "Yea right! We're the three to be, you can't leave."
"Why do you want to leave?" Chase asked curiously, ignoring his friend.
"I don't know, but I can't stay here forever. I need to move on, and I've had fun, I suppose."
They both were silent, and I could tell I hit a nerve. I looked at them both. "Chill, not now, but...soon, I guess."
"Where will you go?" Nolan demanded, furious. He was quivering.
"Chill! And I don't know yet."
"You should head back home, Sam." Chase suggested. My fists slammed on the table.
"What?!"
"You heard me. You should check on your mom and sisters, then hit the road once you know everything is alright."
I laughed once in disbelief. "Screw that."
"Sam."
I sighed. "I know, I know. I should, but I don't think I will."
"I'm sure Natalie wants to see you," Nolan made a kissing noise. "Now that your older maybe something will actually happen.." he muttered.
"What!?" I breathed. "Your INSANE!"
"Aw shut up, we know you dream about it. You arn't a kid anymore, you've been places." he snickered.
I blushed, denying. "No, no no. I don't. Oh my friggen god, I did...that...once. Hear me? Once. And the next time I plan to do it, is for love and love only."
"Do you love Natalie?"
I didn't answer at first. "That's different."
Nolan put a hand over his mouth. "Oh, ho! Burned, caught in your own!" he teased, pounding on the table. I blushed, shaking.
"Shut the hell up for your face gets ripped off,"
Nolan laughed, but shut up because he knew I'd do it. Chase cleared his throat. "It'd be best for your family to know your alright."
I didn't reply at first, but I couldn't help myself, either. "My father's an ass. Look, if it makes you happy I'll go, alright? But after that I'm heading back north and gonna keep going."
"Is this goodbye, Sam?"
I didn't answer for two reasons. One; Yes, it was goodbye. Two; I knew that I would never see them again, and I knew leaving was a good thing because I didn't care one bit that I was leaving them behind.
It has been 2 days, and 4 hours since I last saw Chase and Nolan.
It has been three years, 210 days, and 19 hours since I last saw Natalie.
When my town surfaced over the hill, I almost pissed myself. Was my dad home? Crap. What if he was...then I'd tear him to pieces. No, I swallowed, you can't do that. Nolan and Chase vanished from my mindlink when I hit the Nevada borderline. Whether this was because I stopped thinking about them, or because distance had become a problem - I wouldn't know. I didn't care, either.
Trailing my way through the rugged trees and other crap load of leaves, animals, bugs - I made my way to the line-up of houses that my house was involved with. My heart pounded in my chest - I thought it was in my throat for a moment, so I swallowed with difficulty. Why the hell am I here? Why the hell am I even here - to please Chase? No. To see my family. The family that I could care less about. Well, no, I justed hated my father. Everyone else didn't annoy me half as much.
My scent glands took in the woodsy, fresh soap, and cinnamon smell of my family. I stopped at Emma's scent, because I knew I missed her more than anyone. Even more than my best friend. When I could see the house from the backyard view, I shifted. Someone was home - I could hear chairs shifting, plates being scraped, and the television going. I shuddered once, then made my way up the yard.
I didn't even care enough to knock, I just walked right it and said loudly, "Anyone home?" Silence. Then, someone rammed into me, almost knocking me over. I stumbled, catching the person in my arms and then laughing, "Emma!"
My little sister held onto me tightly, still in the eight year old form she would be forever. I did the mental math in my head - if she were human, she'd be eleven now. She sobbed into my shoulder, her red hair already swallowing my face. I chuckled.
"Hey baby girl, why are you crying?"
"Your home. Your home." she whispered. "I knew it. I knew you'd be home. I knew it." She pulled back.
"Where's mom, and Jenn and Sandra?" I excluded my dad purposely.
"Mom-my!" Emma called. "Jennifer and Sandra are out with dad. Maddy is over her friends house." She sniffed, her face still red from crying. I nodded, my mother already appearing around the corner. She dropped the dish towel she was holding, and immediately ran to me. She wrapped her arms around me, and I was surprised she didn't cry. A sign that she accepted my leaving as a way of me growing up. I took that.
"Sam! Oh, Sam!" she smiled. "Why are you here? Are you staying!? Please, stay," she said, taking my arm. My mother had aged three years - and I could tell, too. Her face had grown more pale, her eyes were more round than they used to be. Her hair had darkened - but she was still beautiful, in my eyes at least.
"Ah, no, I can't stay." Her smile faded. "But I'm staying here for a night. I hope that's okay?"
"That's perfect! Are you hungry, tired, thirsty?"
"No, no, and no." I lied. The real answers were I was starving, I was dead beat, and my mouth was so dry it felt like I could lick sand paper and not be phased.
"Well, come in and sit down," she offered, taking Emma from me. Emma protested, jumping down from her mother's arms. She stalked off into the living room and I turned to my mom questioningly. "She doesn't like me treating her like she's eight," she explained. I smirked, following my little sister. I sat down next to Emma while my mother leaned against the wall with her hands folded across her stomach.
"Why arn't you with dad and Jenn and Sandra?" I asked Emma. She sighed.
"Dad left me here to take care of mom."
"Since when do you need to be taken care of?" I snorted, looking at my mother. She smiled and shrugged.
"She doesn't." Emma argued. "Dad just doesn't trust me enough. He thinks I'm gonna leave, like you."
I looked at my sister in shock, now furious. "Say what?" I hissed. Emma nodded. "What an idiot - so he won't let you do anything? Typical. Just typical." I shook my head. My mother sighed.
"Sam, calm down. Your father misses you, too."
"The hell he does. He couldn't get me away fast enough, before. I bet you don't know that he told me not to come home until I'm dieing. What the frig is that, mom?"
She stared at me, frowning. "I know, Sam. I do know. But.." she shook her head. "He loves you. I hope someone will someday make you realize that."
---x
My mother and sister were enough to cheer me up, but I knew what I had to do as long as I was in town. So, was I prepared for this? Of course not.
My mother gave me her address - apparently she had an apartment on the west side of town. I was shocked. Appartment? Well, duh. She was..what, 19 or 20 now? I was always a year and a half older than her. She might have a boyfriend. She might have a kid. It's not common for teenage moms, right? Oh god. I swallowed thickly. Just because my life sucked doesn't mean hers did, too. She moved on - and I ...really...kinda..not really...didn't care about that. I just wanted to see my true friend again, married, taken, a mother or not...
Her apartment was nice, pretty fancy actually. I wondered briefly what kind of job did she have now and how much she was taking in. I really had no money at all. No, that wasn't true. I forgot about when I was thirteen and broke my arm - the doctor made a dumb ass mistake that my mom sued for. My arm locks everytime I flex it pretty much, but I'd take that for a few thousand dollars anyday. I shrugged. Money meant nothing to me, probably because I had nothing to spend it on.
I found her apartment 6B on the eight floor, and I knew instantly she was home because I heard a heartbeat. One. Not a tiny one, or another thumping organ that kept hers in place as she lived. Obviously meaning, she was alone. No boyfriend. My knock was short, but she opened the door quickly. Her eyes bugged out, her mouth gasping for breath, and her arms already reaching forward to embrace me.
I wanted to stay live this, forever.
It ended quickly, though, and she blinked in surprise. I hadn't taken notice of what she was wearing - but she was dressed in a black tanktop and pajama shorts. Very tempting, but I had more things on my mind than how she looked in her PJ's.
"Hey there." I said.
She wiped her black hair from her face and blinked again, more rapidly now. "How...Sam....? Your here! Your home, right? Your home," she whispered, hugging me again. She pulled me into her doorway, and I kicked her door shut behind me. When she let me go, I laughed.
"Wow, your..older." I said. Not words that a girl wants to hear, but it was the truth. Her hair was longer, her face more clear and more porcelain - like one of those dolls. Her eyes were rimmed with eyeliner, and it gave her a certain image that I wasn't used to.
"Yeah, you arn't," she whispered, both of her hands wrapped around one of my forearms. She tugged but I didn't move. "Are you thirsty, hungry? Let me get you something, come on." I let her drag me, asking for a cup of water or something. I took a seat on a black sofa, my eyes scanning the room. Typical teen apartment - posters, books, television, laptop..all that jazz. She came back, setting the glass on the table in front of me as she took a seat beside me.
"Sam. I can't believe your back."
I took a sip. "Yeah , not for long though."
"When are you leaving?" Her question was immediate.
"Mmm, tomorrow night. Maybe. I don't know yet." When she didn't respond I asked, "Your own place? That's awesome."
She looked around, uninterested. "Yeah..I finished school last year. Hoping to start a semester of college this year. I took another sip, looking around.
"So, wheres your boyfriend at..? I don't see pants scattered around or blankets dragged across the floor against their own will.." I started ,looking around. Teasing, of course.
She smacked me, laughing. "Your horrible." But what I never expected were the words that came out of her mouth. "He's um..he doesn't live here. With me." she said quietly.
I froze, my hand cracking the glass I was holding. I put it on the table too quickly before I smashed it into pieces. Swallowing, I replied, "What?"
"You heard me," Her eyes were on her hands - which she fumbled with.
My voice was stern. "Your..dating. Oh. That's..."
"Go ahead, say it."
"I don't know what to say."
"Say that your hurt that I moved on."
I unthawed, taking her hand. "No. I'm happy for you."
At that moment, her phone rang and she got up to answer it. She answered before it rang even three times, and I looked away.
"Hello..oh, hey, sweetie. No.." she murmured into the reciever. Being able to hear great distances and even the slightest pin drop can be useful. You can find people your looking for, or something else that's important to you - something that must be sought out. But it can also hurt you.
I got up and traveled to the window, resting my arm above it and staring blankly. My forehead met my arm and I shut my eyes.
Small arms wrapped around my waist, but I was too selfish to tell her to unwrap herself from me. "I'm sorry, Sam."
"Don't be. I just don't have a life, is all."
"Of course you do. You have people who love you in your life, don't be retarded."
I scowled. "Who? My mother? My little sister? That's helpful. Sure."
"No, me. I love you, Sam. I always will."
"Yeah. Well. Your love isn't enough, apparently. You've moved on,"
"So what, just because I moved on means you don't even want to be my friend?" she scowled. I shrugged.
"No. Your my best friend, Nattie."
She ducked under my arm and looked at me, blinking. "Why don't we go for a drive? I drive now, yes yes, your jealous. You know it," she smiled. I smiled too, then sighed.
"Alright."
----x
We drove for exactly two hours. We blasted songs, sang, danced in the car, and even considered stopping at a club. But, alas, I got the better of myself and told her bad things happen when I'm in clubs.
"Oh, kinky," she laughed. I shook my head.
"Your so immature it's funny,"
"Hey! I'll be twenty soon. Your only twenty-one, idiot."
"Yeah, your jealous." was my response, already looking out the window. She flipped to a new station and immediately I looked at her, fearful. "Oh no, not this song."
"Yes yes yes! Come on, sing it with me, please! I'll be the girl, you say your verse...ready...go!"
I began singing the words.
God, I dreamed there was an angel
Who could hear me through the wall
As I cried out-like, in Latin
"This is so not life at all
Help me out-out-of this nightmare"
Then I heard her silver call-
She said: "Just give it time, kid
I come to one and all
"Give me that hand, please
And the itch you can't control
Let me teach you how to handle
All the sadness in your soul
Oh, we'll work that silver magic
Then we'll aim it at the wall"
She said: "Love may make you blind kid-
But I wouldn't mind at all"
I laughed uncontrollably as the song played. This song was old, me and Natalie used to listen to it constantly, although - she claimed it to be my "theme song".
It's the bitch of living
With nothing but your hand
Just the bitch of living
As someone you can't stand
I turned the radio off then, and she pouted. "Aw, party pooper. Fun ruiner. Meanie. Jerk."
"Yepp, that's me. Fun ruiner, jerk." I said, smiling.
Suddenly, she slammed on her breaks. "Holy SHIT!" she screamed and I blinked, hands resting on the dashboard.
"What the hell- " I said, but she was already out of the car. I followed quickly as she swore like a mad woman.
She ran across the street, heading towards.. Palo's Pizzaria? What the-? She pushed the doors open and started walking towards a man and a woman. I kept up with her easily, surprised.
"Natalie, what are you doing?" I hissed, but she ignored me. I stopped walking five feet away from her as she approached the table, shouting.
"You bastard. This is why you weren't able to come over tonight? Cause your out on a date?!" she slammed her fists on the table, glaring directly at the man. I blinked, shocked. Who was that guy? My arms quivered in anger.
"Natalie!" he stood up. "Listen, I can explain, I promise you." he held his hands up. It clicked inside my head now. This must be her boyfriend. He was blonde, dressed in a casual attire that screamed 'date'. She began crying then, and I took her hand, trying to pull her back. Her boyfriend noticed this, and he turned to her - furious.
"What the hell!? Okay I see it now - you bitch!" he scowled. The resturant had gone quiet, but I didn't give a damn. "You accuse me of cheating on you when your holding hands with some ...body-builder in front of me?!" he growled.
"What?" she blinked, stunned. "Stop trying to change the subject. You stupid piece of shit," she abruptly pulled a bracelet off her wrist and threw it on the ground. "You can take your little boy toy now in the open, because I'm done with him." she looked to the girl, then spun around. She ran, and I was going to chase her.
"I wouldn't go after her, she's no good anyway," her ...ex? said behind me. I stopped, spun around and threw a punch to his face before I took off again. I heard pictures fall, the table tip, and many gasps but I didn't care. I was already out the door and across the street where Natalie sat in the car, bawling her eyes out.
10 minutes later.
I didn't say anything the ride back, I didn't sing along with the radio, I didn't laugh, I didn't joke, I didn't do anything but wait for her to get herself back together. I frowned, following her up into her apartment and taking a seat on the couch. She cried while she hugged me - and I was happy to say I was there for her. I didn't want to leave, nor did I intend to.
So, it shocked me when she abruptly stopped. "Your right Sam..."
"What am I right about?" I whispered.
"You don't have a life. Neither do I," she said. I paused, unsure what she was talking about. "Which is why I shouldn't be crying because...I haven't moved on. It was going to end someway. Not like this but.....somehow it would end."
"Why?" I had the nerve to ask.
"Beause I'm in love with you. I honestly believe I am,"
I didn't say anything, and when I didn't, she got up to go get changed in her room. I sat patiently, until I heard my name called.
I swallowed thickly, making my way to where she had called me from. When I opened the door to her bedroom, though, I didn't see her. When I heard her, she already grabbed me from behind and turned my head so she could kiss me. It was a passionate kiss, it was a good kiss, and it was a kiss that's so wrong it felt so right..and...how the hell did I get into the same situation I was with Vera again? Except this time I wasn't drunk, and this time - I knew what I was doing.
WHOOOOOOOOO(:
ITS FINISHED.(:
Go ahead and hate me flow, MUAHAHA33333