A special thank you to a great beta who gets what's going on inside of my head and what I'm trying to convey in these words. I appreciate your support and efforts. You're not just a beta but an executive producer.
My dear readers you get two very deep and emotional chapters today. I'm off tomorrow. I will be avoiding all email and computers like the plague so no one can force me to do any work on my day. It will be next week before see anything on Mend again. Put your seatbelts on it's about to get rocky. I know I've said it before but these next two chapters really caused an emotional response while I was working on them. So be prepared for RAW.
Chapter 5 – Sins of the Father, Pt. 2
Spock found it hard to breathe. The conversation was overpowering. Since his mother's death, Sarek had tried to initiate this conversation on quite a few occasions- only to have his son walk way, ignore him, or simply end the discussion before it began. Now, he could no longer run from the truth- and the power and the pain behind his father's every word dredged up long-repressed memories from the recesses of his mind. Incidents he had buried due to his own shame and disgust- both of his actions, and his father's. He was in turmoil, the bitter sting of tears in his eyes. But he was too stubborn to allow them to fall. He allowed his eyes to close and his breath to slow as he attempted, yet again, to block out his father's voice.
But it wouldn't go away.
"I never wanted my life for you, Spock. Daily I suffer, not just from the loss of the only woman who dared to love me, but for the purity of your childhood. I stole that from you. I had no right."
There it was.
In a matter of an hour Sarek managed to tear down the walls his youngest son had spent a lifetime erecting- leaving open and bare the source of all his son's anger.
Spock's fists balled up as he seriously contemplated the number ways he could cause bodily harm to his father. He hated him. And yet, he felt ashamed of his hate. He loved him- yet he felt ashamed of the love. And he yearned for something, anything that would reflect the significance of the rejection and isolation he had endured over the years.
The pain that stemmed from seeing the mother who loved him without condition, shrink like a dying violet in desiccated soil.
The disgust and revulsion for the animal he had become.
The self-hate at how he had forced the woman who put meaning back into life out of his world- Nyota.
His knuckles were white from the tightness in his fists; the nails of his fingers were ripping through the skin of his palms and the pressure was increasing in his chest-full of all the hurt of a lifetime of wrongs welling inside him and yearning to break free. Still, he fought- waging an inner war against himself. Amanda had once called it spiritual warfare…. Again Spock relished in self- inflicted pain.
"Why are you telling me this?" He barked out hoarsely through clenched teeth, trying desperately for some semblance of calm that would not come.
His father's next words were unexpected.
Sarek's touch was tender, and his words sincere as his own sadness at his faults bled through and he gingerly placed his hand on top of his son's, "I am sorry for my sins my child. I've spent the last years reaping the consequences of what I've done."
The minimal words evoked deep emotion from the younger man and he reacted with anger- pure, unadulterated and violent anger. He rose quickly, shirking his father's touch and turned to face him. The dam had broken and the hurt and fury poured forth like a flood he could no longer control.
"I lived in the shadow of your mistakes! I lost Nyota trying to be the man you were! The man you taught me to be!" He began backing away from where they sat trying desperately to stop the flow of tears and his own quaking soul from breaking. Spock's hands came up to his mouth pushing the shaky breaths and snivels wracking his body back down his throat. "I wanted tobe you."
Sarek's lips tightened and tears welled to the corners of his eyes as he faced the man-child before him. "Nero's inclusion of you in his perversions-" the older man spit the words, highlighting his disgust at his participation, "- that was my breaking point."
"It was too late." Spock's words were a bitter whisper. And he desperately wished he could erase the day- strike the conversation from his mind, purge himself of the bitterness in his soul…but yet Sarek continued, now in a whisper as if reminiscing.
"It becomes addictive- their kisses – the adventure – the taboo." The older man's face clouded over into a stone wall laced with determination and the certainty of a man who spoke the next words with absolute conviction.
"If I had it to do over, I would choose your mother every time. I would choose my sons. Our family. I would choose the life we could have had together. We could have gone back to the old country…"
"Those are just the bitter ramblings of an old man who can no longer get it up!" Spock spat viciously, leaving his father alone on the bench and stalking angrily towards the faint light illuminating the family's home.
"Years ago I lied to you." Sarek's words stopped Spock mid step. But he refused to turn around. His father's voice rose above the winds, now whipping between the two men.
"I told you that my relationship with your mother was about power and possession. The truth is, I loved your mother. I fought for our marriage in the end because of the reflection of myself I saw in her eyes. Despite my faults, to her I was a man not a monster. In Amanda's eyes I saw the young man who swept her off her feet during a student exchange trip in Rome. In her eyes I was the father to the children she loved and cherished. There and only there was I the man God created me to be. I saw in her a reflection of a man I wanted to be again."
Spock shook his head, unable to pity his father, "You loved her and still-" The words caught in his throat and he choked back a sob. He thought about the nights his mother cried her self to sleep. The warnings she issued to Nyota to run far away from the stench surrounding their family and to leave him before the stain of the past tarnished her forever. Amanda did not want Nyota to become like her.
"I spent fifteen years apologizing for actions that were unforgivable. Amanda accepted each one, waving them away with kisses, and soft words. All that time, the man she saw in me was still present in her eyes and now that's gone. I look in my son's eyes, my creation- my legacy. The only one who will still tolerate me, and see I see the predator that I've created. It is my punishment."
Sarek had lowered his head as if trying to will up enough strength to continue. And despite himself, Spock had begun to inch closer to his father. He knew Sarek well, and knew the elder was forming a question in his mind. Spock knew the question to come, but he would not speak of his own accord. The anger and hurt now slowly fading out until all he felt- was empty. .
"What happened with Ms. Uhura? I was hopeful that she would provide a turning point in the road you traveled."
Spock migrated back to his seat, taking a few moments to find the correct approach. "Nyota did open my eyes."
"Then why did the relationship end?" Sarek was staring, awaiting his son's response.
"I cannot provide the love she requires." Spock replied dully.
Pure fury lit the older man's eyes, "And that broke emergency room doctor …"
Spock raised his hand silencing his father, "Nyota is happy- she is loved - she is protected- she has peace. I would rather see her receiving everything she needed, wanted, and deserved than to hold on to her for my own selfish reasons. I cannot give her a future. I am not what she needs."
An expression oddly resembling pride danced onto Sarek's face and he raised hopeful eyes to his son's. His words were like prophecy. "You will be a better man than I ever was or could be."
It was not what he wanted to hear. And the grief from his loss of Nyota sprung as fresh as the day she left him. He could not blame everything on the sins of the father- the sins of the son were many.
He was now back by his father, his shoulders slumped in defeat, head down, hands clasped tightly together, and tears pouring down his eyes. He could not bring himself to look up as he spoke the truth he longed to forget.
"I hurt her. I subjected her to things-" Spock paused, his thoughts drifting back to the Valentine's ball, Nero's home, and those months he shared himself openly with Christine.
"I allowed Nero into the sanctity of the intimate moments between us. I pulled another woman- a lesser woman into the life we shared. I pushed her away from me, because like my mother, Nyota would never leave. She would stay, willingly, praying without ceasing for me to become something better than I am. I did not want to continue to allow her to believe I am something I am not."
The blood drained from Sarek's face, and he looked like walking death, "Tell me everything. I need to know it all. What Nero said…your actions…how deeply did this game involve Nyota?"
"He…" Spock hesitated, memories of that darkened room filling his tortured mind.
The feel of Nero's eyes on them as he watched him make love to Nyota. The scents and sounds that filled the room as the man pleasured himself in response to the way Spock pleasured her. It was an act that should have been private. With ever growing bitterness he spoke of how Nero had laughed openly as Nyota had turned to face a wall and cried to herself as Spock wrapped his arms around her to protect her nude body from Nero's lascivious eyes. How he had accepted Christine when Nero gave her to him, and how, no matter how many times he took Nyota's body in an attempt to pay penance for his sins- he felt unclean. And finally Spock shared the night of the graduation party with Sarek. The brokenness in Nyota's eyes that complemented the sound of Spock's frozen heart shattering into pieces.
He cried openly now- for the first time since he was that child, crying by door of his room as his mother grieved for the sister he would never have. Since then he had never cried again. He had sworn that he never would. Crying was a sign of weakness. A trait to be scorned. And those that wept were to be taken advantage of and destroyed. Real men don't cry.
But he did.
Until he could cry no more. And all was silent except the low howl of the winds still blowing around father and son. It was long before Sarek spoke again, and Spock- all cried out, was too tired to refuse.
"Stay here tonight. It is late. This old man will feel at ease knowing you are not on the road."
Sarek wrapped his arms around Spock's shoulders, and pulled him close- much as he had done when he was but a boy, and like a child, without thinking and on instinct of reflex, the son buried his head in his father's chest- seeking to hide from the overwhelming amount of truths now laid bare before them.
Father held son in the warm embrace of protection, and as he did once upon a time, a long, long time ago, told the boy the story of the archer light in the night sky. No witness to the two of them, except the starts twinkling above.