Thank you LadyFangs for your Beta services!!!!!!!!!!!
This chapter was in the works prior to my hiatus, so I wanted to put it up. I'll be back next week or the week after - fingers crossed
Chapter 9 – You Live
Nyota's hand was palm up, waiting, open, welcoming Spock to join her. He accepted. The first thing he noticed was the warmth of her hand, in spite of the heat it possessed, chills automatically shot down his spine. Her eyes were full of amusement and happiness. She took two steps and he took four, unwilling to wait another second to feel more than just her hand. Nyota tilted her head to the side, mischievous grin adorning her face, "Is this heaven?" He heard his voice falter with the question. She shook her head, curls bouncing playfully around her face. He wanted to kiss her, lay her down in the sand and possess her. It had been too long. She needed to know how he felt. How deep the love for her burned within. Nyota turned, still gripping his hand and took off running, he followed, trying to keep pace, but she was too fast. At first, Spock's face lit with laughter, he played Nyota's game. Holding her hand and running to wherever she chose to lead him. Her fingers slipped from his grasp. Panic set in, he needed to feel her hand in his. He had to keep her. He couldn't lose her again. They were still running. Her hair flowed. Her dress billowed in the ocean air. She was reaching for him, but now matter how hard he tried, he couldn't catch the hand extended and begging for his. Soon he was only staring at her back and then the outline of her form on the horizon. She was gone. He fell to his knees, caught in the tide, and allowed his body to be carried out into abyss…
The pounding on the front door woke Spock from his nightmare. He was drenched in sweat. His heart was fighting to break free of his chest. Sleep had been fitful; his dreams were filled with her. Sometimes they would lose one another in a crowd of people. Other times, she would run, leaving him behind and then there were the nights when his subconscious forced him to watch her walk down the aisle to a destiny that did not include him. Tonight, the grief had finally taken him away.
Spock stumbled through the house, pulling on a shirt, and flicking lights where he remembered. When he opened the door, a pair of fists attacked. Two hands grabbed the collar of his shirt, tightening, and making it harder to breath. His back hit the frame of the door, repeatedly, and he swore he heard ribs crack. The first hit caught him off guard, the second threw him back into the home, hits three and four sent him spiraling to the floor, and his attacker jumped on top and continued his assault. Blow after blow, Spock's resistance broke down. He didn't feel the need to fight. The few times he was able to open his eyes Spock caught a glimpse of blue eyes hazed with anger and fury. He found pleasure in the beating, glad that someone finally had the nerve to put him out of his miserable existence. He drifted towards that same gulf from his dream with a smile and sense of peace…
When he regained consciousness there was a dull ache in the right side of his jaw. A pack of frozen peas had been strategically placed on the side of his face. He knew there would be unbearable pain in the morning, He tried to sit up and as soon as he moved a surge of what felt like liquid fire shot down his side. Spock lay back down, giving up. Sitting at this stage was not an option.
A voice called out to him from the other side of the room. "You didn't have any steaks in the fridge."
He recognized the speaker and despite his current condition laughed. "Duly noted James."
"Stop being so polite, I just assaulted you. Instead you sit there acting like I just brought you a fucking pound cake." Jim Kirk plopped down on the arm of the couch, offering a pack of frozen corn kernels and a box of Kleenex.
Spock accepted the tissue, "Pound cake sounds nice." They were the only words that came through, though hardly appropriate for the situation. He really didn't know what to say. Tense and difficult moments had always been hard for him- especially when he didn't hold the control.
"You are a cold hearted bastard. Not once have you asked why I busted in here and kicked your ass in the middle of the night." Jim stood, unable to sit still long enough to have the conversation. He was pacing now, stopping occasionally to stare at Spock, or shove his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
Spock removed the homemade ice pack, wincing just a little at the soreness and swelling already taking residence in his left eye. He didn't raise his voice or add any inflection. He simply delivered the facts, as he always did.
"The odds are on you defending your cousin's honor."
"The odds…"
Insanity returned to the man's eyes, as he once again stepped towards Spock.
"How about the fact that my cousin drove her car off a bridge earlier this evening? Or try this- she's been in surgery for the last two hours. Got one more for you "Mr. Unemotional", she has a forty- percent chance of making it. Does that register anywhere in you? This shit is on your shoulders."
Spock's ears were ringing; he wasn't sure if it was from the beating or the words that were just spoken. Guilt. He didn't believe it was possible to have any more of it added to his conscience. But there it was. So when he spoke his next words, they were sincere.
"Jim, I'm sorry."
"Damn right you're sorry. A sorry excuse for a human being, but then again, I don't believe you are human."
Spock worried that another violent outburst from Jim was on the horizon. And he was forced to listen silently as Christine's cousin began to rant on him.
"All this time and not as much as a phone call from Chrissie. Then tonight, one call, a jumbled series of words coming from her lips that all led back to your name. You don't want her. She can never be Nyota. Do you even think about how your actions affect others?"
He couldn't take the implications…
"Are you saying that Christine attempted to end her life because I severed my relationship with her?"
Spock appeared confused, hurt, and his mind raced back to Nero's story in reference to Mandana's death. The knowledge of the past had become too painful for Christine to handle and Spock's actions earlier in the evening had only sent her further over the edge.
"I hope you're being eaten alive with shame. You took advantage of both of those women. Christine and Nyota. You used them like they were pawns on a chess board, maneuvering their emotions, actions, and the details of their lives in the sick twisted game playing out in your head."
Just the same as the physical altercation, Spock had nothing to say in defense of his actions. Though the knowledge that he wasn't the only person involved was no matter- he was the bigger person. He should have known better.
Jim walked to the door, "My family needs me. Regardless of the time we spent apart, blood will always be thicker than water. Leave her alone Spock. Never talk to Chrissie again, or so help me God, I will end your pathetic excuse of a life."
Struggling to stand, Spock, managed to reach the door before Jim could exit, "I wanted Christine to have the opportunity to find what she needed. Yes I ended our relationship. Yes I told her she could never be Nyota, but it was not with malicious intent. I needed for her to understand that I had been unfair to her all along."
Jim closed the door and turned to face Spock. He said nothing, but signaled for him to continue speaking.
"I can share my account but I do not think you will identify with me, after all I'm a heartless alien." The edge of sarcasm eased, "Your mind is made up about me, based on one side of the story, as well as the actions you have been privy to in the past. I am the monster, cold – hearted bastard, and evil scum that you all have called me. I had a woman who loved me. I attempted to destroy her. You warned me once."
Jim expelled a sigh of frustration, "I'll say it again, just talk, all these words, prefacing your statements just speak your mind."
"You told me if I couldn't do the right thing to let her go." Spock paused. "My betrayal was my way of letting her go. I didn't have the strength to end my relationship with Nyota so I created a situation in which she would have no choice but to walk away."
Jim cut him off.
"I also told you to stop fucking with my cousin's emotions. I told you then that she was in love with you. Do you even know her story? The hell she went through before moving out here?"
Jim knocked Spock upside the head again, resisting the urge to punch the man dead in his face.
It stunned him, but he soldiered on.
"I wanted to believe she had taken control and channeled her emotions, but recently it became obvious she had not. I thought that by letting her go, releasing her, apologizing for what I had done, it would provide closure."
Kirk's retort came quick.
"Then it makes it even worse that you knew all of that. That you are that self- centered and absorbed that you don't realize how the experiences of others, becomes are part of their DNA. It dictates future actions and emotions." Jim pulled at the roots of his hair before settling into an Indian style position on the floor. "Chrissie played hard ass, but on the inside, she's still that girl who cried and locked her self away after the attack. You never really knew her."
Silence settled between them as Spock considered Jim's words. Yes he had used Christine. She had been aware of it the whole time, but in the end it still made him heartless. Everything had centered on his desires. Nyota had been forced to make a decision between maintaining her morals or holding on to him and their jaded life together. Christine could have walked away and out of Nyota's shadow into loneliness. He knew she wouldn't do that. Jim had said she loved him, but no it was desperation and inter – dependence.
Jim finally spoke again, "Spock, I also told you that you could set your own path. Your coldness and disregard for the people around you that care, irritates the hell out of me. You had what people spend a lifetime searching for. Material things are a dime a dozen, but you exploited the purity of unconditional love. Then you turned and abused someone too damaged to fully grasp the meaning of relationships, commitment, and trust. You became your worst nightmare- just like Nero."
Spock was fidgeting with the tie on his pajama bottoms and avoiding Jim's gaze. The truth hurt like a hot iron branding skin.
"You want me to take you to the hospital?" Jim paused and Spock detected the underlying compassion in his tone. The same man that had bloodied his face and torn down his character possessed true concern for him. "Or I can get Bones to look at you."
Spock brushed off his concern. "Superficial wounds, nothing like what I've inflicted on others."
"So what are you going to do, wallow in self pity for the rest of your life? Think about what could have been? I know you loved Nyota in your own twisted way. You've got to move on. She's happy. The relationship with doc is healthy. Focus on Spock." The punch Jim gave him in the shoulder that time was playful. "Okay last offer for an ER visit."
"No James, I am in not in need of emergency medical treatment." Spock ended the words with a half smile.
Jim looked at Spock, connecting with him on a deeper level, "I'm not one for church and religion but I remember something I learned once during an old fashioned bible camp my grandparents forced me to attend." He watched as Spock's eyebrow raised, "Stay with me."
"Carry on." Spock tried to hide his interest.
"Repentance is not just about saying I'm sorry. When we repent and turn it over – ya da ya da ya da ya – we change – complete one eighty. We may want to go back to what we know, because there is comfort in the routine, but when you see that your life can be so much more. You let that past go. You move on from the dirt in life. You find the treasure that's buried. You learn and you live Spock. You live."
With no further words, Jim left Spock alone to ponder his dreams, mistakes, and the past. It was time to repent and take another stab at this thing called life.