Evasion

I've seen her visions.

Without a trace, without a backward glance, she's gone and I am desolate. She sat within reach and yet, she was gone. This fear of losing her forever is choking me. I tremble with fear and anguish and I find myself acting in desperation.

And yet, her soul is so light, so full of light, she cheers me in ways that no one can imagine. I see her now, sitting amongst her friends, cheerful and lighthearted, truly enjoying the life around her. I am alive and vibrant in her presence! If Emmett knew how blithe and weightless I feel in her presence, he'd surely wonder where his brother Edward had gone. It's humorous to consider.

Then I see the crease between her brows as Alice's mind reaches to me to show a vision of life without Bella. Even the memory makes me cower in fear.

I don't want Bella to see this weakness in me. Leap from treetop to treetop, or outrun a mountain lion, I am your man. Face the forces of nature, the wrath of God – these are but daily tasks compared to the relentless challenge to keep my Bella safe, warm, whole. I cannot allow her life to slip away, her safety to elude me. I will be her inexorable shield.

The vast difference between love and safety is a chasm I seem unable to span. Bella is my world, true enough. But my world encroaches on her day by day, and this bold trespass marks my limits. No treaty bound me so tightly; no Italian watchdog chained my heart so thoroughly. My heart is bound to her; my marble flesh is chained to her blushing, her warm and tender heartbeat. Even as I write, I long to fly to her. My time is short here, my need is great. To be at her side, as her protector, that is my quest.

I cannot, will not leave her; no, never again. But to keep her safe… Where does one go?

And still, she leaves the window open to me. Incredible.

As I watch her sleep, I see the child she must have been. Peaceful, independent… How can one so frail, so breakable be so stubborn and headstrong. Is she simply enigmatic? Is it my perception of her, or is this true in the world? She nearly defies defense; must I tighten my grasp? I am at a loss. I don't know how to do this.

Surely time with Renee will benefit her. A woman's touch that is supple and warm must provide her with respite from myth and monster. I will suffer no inconvenience if it provides her with rest and love.

I wonder if she dreaming, sorting out the choices, decisions and alternatives that shape who she is, who we are. We don't live in the monumental, but in the extraordinary ordinariness of everyday. Monumental decisions are too crushing, so we break them down in to smaller pieces. What may seem as destiny is a accumulation of smaller decisions made along the way. It's not the destination; it's the journey. I wonder if she dreams of the journey.

See how she moves her hand through her hair, even in slumber? Remember this, Edward. This a moment to savor, when innocent Bella Swan turned woman in sleep. She bites her lip, only for a moment and then – gone! Back deeply asleep – no, somniloquy – my name… Ah…