Motives
What forces must the universe have put in motion to bring Bella into being? Charlie's thoughts, careful while uncomplicated; Renee's mind, childlike and yet, somehow, knowing… I am baffled. I can't imagine how their meeting could have been chance, how their paths could be anything but fated. How did these two ever come together? A puzzle, coincidence, or do the fates mock me again?
Florida is a careful ballet of watching for Bella and listening to Renee. I can pirouette around Renee's random insights while she observes Bella and me, together, but I feel entirely earthbound at times such as now, when they are alone together. Mother and daughter, how much do they share? Bella will never reveal an iota that would put Renee at risk, but she's unaware of how much and how clearly Renee sees us.
Watching them together, I wonder about my future life with Bella. I will never let her away from me. I know my days will be filled with Bella and Bella again. But when does my constant attention and guardianship become the stranglehold that breaks her from me forever? Renee left Charlie; she felt strangled. Will my Bella leave me? And, if she does, how will I stay close enough to keep her from peril?
Writing the words, "Bella leave me" makes me ache and crave their return. Where are they?
In a way, Renee's view of us delights me. She sees our bond, she sees the need between us. Two of a kind, yet separate, distinct. No, not two of a kind, two interlocking pieces to be more precise. In all but the physical sense, we are exactly that. Her perception is sharp: she sees my worry, my careful guarding over her girl. Her interpretation of that protection leaves her mystified. She knows something is amiss, but can't decipher what it is. I should be grateful that her intuition surpasses her knowledge and her need to understand.
I'm uncertain Bella understands my sheltering care as clearly; if she did, would she still place herself in such jeopardy with the Quiluetes?
I must work on the control of my temper. He's a child; he sees things from a child's perspective. His physical stature implies maturity, but it is a lie. It is apparent that he will do whatever it takes to derail Bella's safety.
Damn Jacob! Why he would ever invite Bella into the maelstrom of violence that is Victoria? He thinks he enlightens her. He thinks he protects her. Hah! From me? He doesn't understand how fragile she really is, even after all those months of …
I have suffered through pain unimaginable, endured through desolation and despair, survived confusion and chaos that would shred the sanity of most humans. But I had known nothing of agony until the memories of my sweet Bella flooded Jacob's mind. How she was driven, all from my insecurity and fear, to the company of that… boy, that dog. Will his memories ever fade? I cannot control the malicious cut; it festers because it is true. Bella, my love. I am so very sorry. I can never hurt her again like that.
I cannot control the cut, but I must control the pain. She is a bright soul who would suffer to know I hurt. Jacob must not allow her to suffer; she must not suffer. All this pain he brings bound in a bright ribbon of friendship for her. It is like the bright seal on a funeral urn: beautiful to see from a distance, but inside, filled with bones, decay and death.
I have agreed to tell her the next time Victoria returns, and I will abide by that agreement. How could I bear the hurt in those deep eyes, hurt borne of my love for her? I cannot. But she is under my guard. I will not allow Jacob, Victoria or myself to hurt her. This I vow.