Nature

Carlisle finds his inner peace through meditative consideration. His books provide a medium to achieve an inner solace that allows his true self to emerge. This was his gift to me as I returned to the fold, and I had promised myself quiet time to reflect, to quell the internal rage that clouds my vision. I took that opportunity while hunting with Emmett, and I am astonished at the results.

There is little respite from reality for a vampire, and isn't that odd? One would think as one joined the choir of the mythological one would divorce entirely from reality, but just the opposite is true; with no diversion from the years, the actuality of the everyday binds us to this world, and this world only. For what life can I expect after I leave here?

Sleep is no longer mine, and so dreaming has fallen to rot at my feet to accompany those other human diversions. Perfect recall has kept me from delusion and revision; it is who I am to be who I am now, yesterday, tomorrow. A surprise that bubbles from within me is unusual and unexpected.

As Emmett ran, I closed my eyes in the depth of the forest and focused on an internal solitude that I so rarely find. I hummed, holding a d prime for as long as the breath would allow, then sounding the note mentally as my interior mantra. Relaxing, slowly descending in thought. I plunged down my days, down my moments and released those worries, bidding them goodbye as I moved down in thought. The release of the rational, the psychic descent became almost tangible, as if I were controlling the spin of the planet with my psychic state.

Then, it just popped into my head, unbidden, borne of nothing.

Elizabeth stood at the edge of the yard, pretty in the delicate pink that mimicked the beauty of her cheeks. "Edward, be careful!"

I was six. A small brown and white mouse was at my feet, trembling with fear and excitement on its first outdoor excursion. I was stooping to look at my little pet. It was so much smaller than me, how could that be? Where'd he put all his air, and still have room to eat?

I wanted to pick it up and look at it more closely. I reached out my hand.

"Edward, love, here. Let Mother." She reached down and picked up the ball of fur, cupping it in her hand and nestled it against her breast. "Yes," she cooed to it, "I know. The world is so big and frightening." She looked down at me with green eyes that smiled.

"Mother, why is he shaking like that? Is he scared?" I asked, my little voice at once surprising and familiar.

"Yes, Edward, he's frightened. The world is so wide, and he doesn't understand it like you and I can," we were walking back towards the house. Ask she spoke, she softly stroked the small creature. "We can think things through and decide what we want to do, and he can't, the poor dear." She lifted the small creature with both hands and raised him to her eye level. "Can you, you poor wee thing?"

We approached the house, her skirts swishing softly in the summer breeze. A stray hair lifted in the wind and came to rest across the back of her neck beneath the upsweep of her bronze hair. As I approached the steps to the porch, she turned and sat on the top step, nuzzling the mouse against the warmth of her cheek.

"Can I hold him, Momma?" I looked up at her. She was so beautiful in this love-infused memory, she seemed to glow with a light from inside her.

"Yes, Edward, but be careful not to squeeze too hard, you'll hurt him." She leaned down and placed the mouse in my tiny hands. "There. Only a little though. It's almost time for supper. She stood, love emanating from her face, and patted my head. "My Edward," she said, and she was gone.

In this last century, no human memory has been so unclouded and clear. I had all but forgotten this woman; Esme is my mother. And yet it was all so… so right. How can that be? From where did this memory come, and why this memory that seemed so small and insignificant?

I am unlikely to forget. There are so many pieces that puzzle me of late; I must put this away until I can examine it again more clearly. For now, for now, I set her aside; for now, I will run and I will feed.