Declaration

Today, I lay the foundation for the structure of our lives.

A plan is a start, but it is only a start. Line must be laid with brick; brick must be laid upon brick; mortar must seal the two together. This is how the structure becomes reality. This is how infatuation becomes love.

Perhaps she senses, on some level, that the foundation is unsound, crude and unprepared. She knows me so well; her deep chocolate eyes miss nothing. Does she see the monster still within me? Perhaps this is the cause of her hesitation.

Though I love her now and always, throughout time, there are characters of my nature that decimate my love, rooms within me that I must expunge to actualize our home.

Anger and rage may plot against my plan, demolishing what we've built, but it serves us, too. This is tricky, insidious. The immediacy and power caged in this room havebeen my strength at times. Without my rage, James would walk the world today and Bella would not. How to control? It has no place within our home for each other, but must be ready, available for defense against threats to our existence, not threats to our love.

Jealousy. It has no place in our world. She has never proven untrustworthy or false. She says she loves me. Her kiss holds the promise of physical love. I have no cause to doubt her.

Let others state what they may, what they must. She is steadfast. Her heart may face challenge and feel torn, but her love for me is undeniable. I must know this, without request for evidence; has she not given evidence to me of her love in Italy – indeed, with every breath of every day?

This brick is heavy and persistent. As I cast it away as flawed and unworthy, it creeps back to the pile in stealth, waiting the moment of weakness that will come to assert itself. I must remove it again, examine it, know its depth and breadth so that as I build, it is recognized. I cannot build as I destroy.

That door is closed. Now and for good, I cannot allow that frailty to weaken our foundation.

My thirst is quenched for the moment and I am full. It's best to decide things when the hunger does not accelerate my need. I must remember this feeling completely and allow no nuance of my plan to go unrealized.

She is of the age of consent. It must be her choice, always her choice. It is a hefty decision, to renounce your life in the name of love. The world is so wide, exciting, filled with peril and pleasure. I came to this world unwillingly and I wonder what reactions to human existence would have been mine had I the opportunity. I wish her to know what she leaves behind, so that the step to eternity is not one of everlasting regret. I want her to come with me, not to me, without loss populating each room of our lives.

My mother and father were decent, loving people who faced eternity together in this world and the next. My adopted mother and father have made the same decision and have shown my family the way. Though some have walked eternal in loneliness, they have found their reason to live and made choices along the way to build their lives together.

I have found my reason. I have found my heart, my soul. I have made my choices and I will build my home with her, always, forever, eternal with her.

There will be a day, and soon I pray, that our home will be built, complete in a way. There will be a day when I offer her the key and she will accept, and enter. On that day, I will be complete. On that day, I will know why I was born a man, why I was reborn a vampire, and why the interminable wait has been so necessary.