Epoch

How –

I have been so blind! My life, my heart at risk. My focus has slipped; my concentration yields no answers, yet this young woman – just a girl really – sees the answer that I – in my age and wisdom! Hah! – failed to perceive.

Bella! Bella! Il mio cuore è tuo, il tuo cuore è mio, che distruggerà la nostra casa? Nessuno te lo giuro! None, not one. Although I doubt myself, I doubt everything, none shall destroy our home.

I want to scream and rage. I want to tear the night to shreds and accuse the stars for her peril, destroy the villain who desecrates our home and threatens our happiness. I want to hurt them, hurt them badly before I take their life. I want to blame someone. I want them to pay.

Eu vou matar aqueles que feriria o meu amor. Meu amor será o nosso escudo. Is my heart strong enough for two? Let them come to me. Eles vão saber a minha ira; sapranno mia ira! Limb from limb…Let them know my wrath.

Yet look around for the villain: I see only myself and my own ineptitude staring back at me. I've jeopardized her again. I've focused on the wrong things, worried about the dog, worried about the ring, worried about all the wrong things as she sits in danger. If anything happens to her! I swear by the heavens, if anything happens to her! My mind is cut into ribbons that tear and turn with fear.

Torn and twisting, shredding and slipping. I cannot bear this. Non posso sopportare questo.

This woman is all there is. No matter my musings here, no matter where I stand on the planet, she is all, she is air, earth, fire. She is my hearth, my home, my warmth, my fire and I shudder in terror at the thought she may be taken from me. Writing it here, putting ink to my greatest fears, it opens the universe to a world without her, a world where I cannot, will not exist.

Am I, then, a coward? If the unwillingness to exist lonely makes me coward, then so be it. As short as five years ago I would not have understood. The burden of my solitude was not heavy while I carried it, but set the burden down… With the knowledge of life with Bella aglow in my memory, continuing on in loneliness becomes a Herculean task I cannot, will not bear. Call me coward if you would. You cannot know the unbearable sweetness of her love.

How do I secure our home? How do I build without the sands of fear putting our foundation at risk?

Alice sees what Alice sees. Disparate patches, sewn together in haste. Unformed. Ineffective. Patches to cover the holes in our blanket of safety. Inaccettabile, inaceitável, unacceptable.

This time without her is a mistake. I should be with her. I should take her in my arms and never let her go. We need time – no matter what she says, no matter what tomorrow brings – we need to be alone. Together. We need time. Each grain that drops in the hourglass is a task, a chore that must be endured. A party. An evening. A night. A day. We need time.

The song is a dirge; the melody dark and foreboding. I must cleanse the notes, save the singer.

I must focus and pull myself in again. No matter my incoherent ramblings here, the fact remains that my love waits in peril, and I must close that wound. I must focus, for Bella's sake, for the sake of my sanity. I must focus on her protection, her safety. I can do this. I can, and I must. I will.

Bella, I swear this to you, by my head and by my hand, I shall give all that I am, all that I have to keep you safe. Your beating heart is my highest priority – above love, beyond care, past my dreams of you as my wife – I will keep you safe. I swear this by my inhuman flesh, by my will, by my love for you.

A/N: Edward's mind is racing, so if this seems a bit jumpy to you, it's because his thoughts are a bit jumpy and disorganized. Please leave comments, let me know what you're thinking.