I don't own any Twilight characters, situations, conversations, or descriptions. I do however own this version of the story. Some of Bella's more ridiculous adventures are true stories that happened to me. And, no, I'm not proud of that.

Author's Note: I took a big hiatus from this story because of a major illness in the family. I just wasn't in the right mindset to write, but everything is much better now. Babies should never get cancer at Christmas. I am so happy she is doing well this Spring.

I had some people in mind when writing this chapter. For Carlisle, I see a middle-aged Paul Newman. Delicious. Esme is Julianne Moore. Emmett is a young Alexander Popov (The Russian Rocket) a former world record holder in swimming, only with a much more muscular build. Alexander is one of the hottest guys I have ever seen. Plus, he swam when they still wore the sexy tiny Speedos instead of the odd bodysuit thing. Youtube search Alexander Popov Sydney interview. He is smiling, shirtless, out of breath, and soaking wet, but I doubt anyone reading Twilight fan fiction would be into that kind of thing! Of course Edward looks like Robert Pattinson, as if that boy didn't completely own my psyche at this point.

Chapter Four: Wait, When Were We In Kansas

June

I love to sleep. I love my memory foam mattress that sinks around my body like a hug. I love my fluffy gray down comforter that looks like a cloud in the Forks sky and is big enough to wrap around me like a safe warm cocoon. I love my cool blue room and my thick white curtains that keep it dark enough to sleep anytime I want or need to get away from the world. Sleep is my escape from the craziness that is my life and I am usually beyond exhausted by the stress of my family and my self-imposed busy schedule. With almost Herculean effort, I drag my ass out of bed at 7:00 to get ready for church.

After my long hot shower, I finally feel awake and head for my closet. My walk-in closet is less than a third full; this concept horrifies poor Alice who doesn't believe in any closet that isn't crammed beyond capacity. My only wardrobe related weakness is handbags. I have an ridiculous number of handbags. If I don't have a cute little mini bag that's barely big enough for lipstick, powder, and a wallet, I feel naked. Speaking of naked. I hurry up and get dressed. I grab a white camisole, a purple miniskirt, and my favorite white linen long-sleeve see through button down to throw on top. Ugh, shoes. I mean, I can do high heels, but it's a risky proposition. All my heels are either wedges or have chunky heels. If I ever attempted stilettos, I would probably fall down and break an ankle before I had gone twenty yards. If I wasn't sure Alice would have one of her epic fashion hissy fits at me, I would wear sneakers everywhere. I put on a pair of brown sandals with thick straps and take a peek in the mirror.

Yeah, still the same old me in the reflection. My brown wavy hair hangs a few inches below my shoulder and my bangs sweep a little to the right just below my thin eyebrows. I am at a total loss on how to style my hair. It's one of those girly girl skills that I have zero ability to perform. Alice has tried and tried to teach me but I still suck. After winding up every time with more burns on my forehead, ears, and fingertips than successful curls, I donated the curling iron she bought me to charity and told her I was done. My skin is pale even by Forks standards. My eyes are light brown and I wear semi-geeky magenta glasses. I considered the full-on geek chic thick black framed ones, but I don't have the attitude to pull them off. I looked all geek, no chic. Mom pulled the "you're such a pretty girl, why do you hide that face" thing and bought me contacts a few months ago despite my protests. I tried them but they irritated my eyes so much I looked permanently hungover. That's a lot less pretty a look than shy girl with glasses. Besides, the glasses do hide me. I like to hide. My nose is a little big for my face, but my cheeks are nice and my lips are sufficiently kissable.. All in all, I'm cute. Woo-hoo, just what every girl dreams of being! I'm no centerfold dream like Rose or angelic looking like Alice. I'm just cute.

God, I wish my body was perfect like Rose's. I'm 5'6, but only 115 pounds. Form the waist up I look like Kate Moss, from the waist down I look like Jessica Biel. That's not as sexy as it sounds. I look like two very different people got sewn together at the waist in a bizarre Frankenstein experiment. My neck is long and very skinny. My gangly arms are stick thin with no muscle tone. My collar bones stick way out as they connect to my bony shoulders. Where my cleavage should be is filled with ribs that are clearly visible. My breasts are only 32Bs and side-pointers at that, so there is no hope of cleavage without a prayer and a hell of a push-up bra. My abs and waist kick ass. I will admit that. Then, any and all body fat I have decided to all camp out on my hips, thighs and butt. My stick thin frame decided to grow big hips for no discernible reason, and a big ass to go on those big hips too. Despite the slightly chubby thighs, my legs are long and pretty. Too bad they end in huge narrow feet with long monkey toes. I'm not kidding. I can pick up stuff with them like I'm freaking Curious George.

Sighing one last time as I look in the mirror at the freak show I have to display to the world, I grab Sherman's keys and head to Grandma Marie's house. She feeds me breakfast every Sunday and we go to church together. She's all alone now and Lord knows at least one of the Swan's should attend regularly. Mom, Dad, Rose, and Alice are lazy godless heathens that would only recognize the inside of Forks Presbyterian if it was decorated for a holiday or wedding. I walk into her house and smell bacon. MMMMM… bacon.

"You're almost late."

"I'm here exactly on time, Grandma."

"Well, I was worried you were going to miss you breakfast. You're too thin. Are you eating enough."

She nags because she loves. She nags because she loves. I chant my Grandma Marie mantra and smile at her. She really does adore me. "I eat nonstop. Alice and I just got Mom's crazy fast metabolism."

"I'm making you some potatoes to go with those eggs." I roll my eyes at her, but eat them anyway to make her happy. She's one of those women that consider food to be the end-all-be-all of proper hosting. If her guests aren't stuffed to the point of being uncomfortable, then she hasn't done her job right. I can always count on her to have several varieties of cakes, pies, and cookies on hand whenever I come over. Along with Lake Crescent, Grandma Marie's house has always been my happy place.

After the dishes are done, I drive us to church in her car. The lot is overflowing today. I guess more people are curious about the Cullens' big debut than just Jessica. I still say she is a nut. Two new boys moving to town aren't going to change the world. Forks will still be boring old Forks. They're just boys, not mythological creatures. In short, she needs to calm her crazy ass down. We say hello to a few of her old lady friends and sit in the sanctuary. Then Dr. Cullen walks out. Damn. Okay, Jess, you have a point. That is one fine piece of pastor. I'm glad I'm not Catholic because I would be having a bit of an impure thought about my priest at the moment. His pale blue eyes gaze softly down at the front row of pews as he introduces his wife, Esmerelda. She stands and tells us to call her Esme. She is gorgeous. Her dark auburn hair and deep pine tree green eyes contrast beautifully with her luminous ivory skin. She is soft and elegant and I wish I could be like her when I grow up.

"My oldest son Emmett is headed off to college in Chicago in the Fall." says Dr. Cullen.

Suddenly, this massive boy bounds eagerly up the steps and waves at the congregation. He is about six and a half feet tall and built like a linebacker. He has short curly dark brown, almost black hair and mischievous brown eyes. His lips are full and when he smiles, it's dimpled and dazzling. His cheekbones would make any model jealous and his jaw line and chin were strong and angular. I mean, seriously. This family is getting a little ridiculous. Who is this good-looking, really. The last kid better look like Shrek or I'm calling shenanigans on this whole thing and looking for the hidden camera. If he's as drop dead doable as the rest of the Cullens I'm either still dreaming or someone is punking the church.

"My youngest son Edward will be a Senior at Forks High School."

This smaller, thin but muscular boy with what can only be described as bronze sex hair shyly gets up from his seat in front of his father. Just as he turns to face the crowd, the cloud covering the skylight he is under floats away and he is bathed in a column of golden light. Really, God? Not subtle. I have no words adequate to describe the vision in front of me. He looks like an alien, so impossibly beautiful that he can't possible be human. His eyebrows are thick and bushy but so hot I want to nibble on them. His eyes are this intense kelly green color, the exact color of the ferns in the Hoh Rainforest by Jake's house. His cheekbones are prominent and his strong jaw curves into a square chin. His lips that look so soft are curled into a breathtaking crooked smile. Holy Shit! Bad Bella, don't swear in church. I am swooning. I'm not even sure what exactly swooning is, but I am positive that is what is happening to my brain. That or a stroke. Please don't be a stroke. Mr. Sexy won't like me if I'm all strokey. I am dumbfounded, in what I hope is a purely non-strokey way. He looks nothing like Shrek. I think God might be the one punking me.

I don't hear a single word of Dr. Cullen's first sermon. Grandma Marie pokes me with her hymnal and shoots me a weird look. Apparently I have zoned out again and I am the only person still sitting as the rest of the congregation is standing and singing another hymn. I can't help it; I'm completely adrift. I can't stop thinking about the boy with the bronze hair. I have this sinking suspicion that my life has just drastically changed. As the service ends, I rush downstairs to the Fellowship Hall to grab a kool-aid and find Angela.

"Did you see those guys, Bella?" I glance over and spot them getting what appears to be a semi-stern lecture from their mom. They both wear identical smirks and look as if they are completely blowing off whatever she is saying. Damn, they are sexy bad boys. Now I'm going to have to start listening to Jessica, she obviously does know what she is talking about.

"I know!"

"But did you look at them?"

"I know, right?"

"Jess is gonna lose it when she comes back."

"What do you mean 'when she comes back'?"

"What?" Angela asks, lost by my statement.

"On Friday she ordered me to take a picture of them with my phone and email it to her in Hawaii."

"No! She didn't!" Angela gasps. "Oh my God, that girl cracks me up. Are you gonna do it?"

"Her reaction to missing this will be priceless. I gotta take the picture now."

"What's your plan, Swan?"

"I'm gonna sit at that table over there and take it while I'm pretending to text. You approach them from their other side and be my diversion."

"Want me to fake a seizure or sing Poker Face?"

"No, just introduce yourself, Goof, but now I'm so making you do Gaga karaoke when I come over tomorrow after summer school." I laugh.

I take the picture in what is an unusually suave move for me, finish my drink and walk down to the end of the education wing to the Sr. High Sunday school room. As I am sending Jess a message on my blackberry, I hear footsteps enter the room. Expecting Angela, I am startled to see Edward Sex-hair Cullen staring at me.

"Hey, I'm Edward." I freeze. I don't move, I don't blink, I have no idea what has happened to me. Maybe I did have a stroke upstairs. Shit. How much time has passed? Oh, God, he probably thinks I'm an idiot. Isabella Marie Swan, speak, you dumbass! Say something! Anything!

"Hey, yeah, um, I'm Isabella, fuck, Bella. My name is Bella." And…cue the laughter. Now I know he thinks I'm an idiot.

"Did you just say your name is Fuck Bella?" Edward says laughing so hard is about to cry. "I'm calling you that forever, you know that right?"

"Well, great. This isn't totally humiliating for me at all." I say with my hands covering my face and praying for my prankster buddy God to grant me one tiny do-over. "Would you believe me if I claimed I was drunk right now?"

"Not for a second."

"Fan-freakin-tastic. I love my life. You'll soon learn that this whole public embarrassment thing is kinda my specialty. I'm actually a legend around here." He smiles at me. He needs to stop smiling at me like that or I am doomed to say something even more stupid.

"Good to know. I always wanted a famous friend." An awkward pause is developing. I hate awkward pauses. They make me nervous and I feel compelled to fill them with more of my nonsense.

"Is there any chance you might not mention this to anybody?" I blurt out nervously.

"Nope. I'm telling everyone I meet." He winks at me. SQEEE.

"That might be awhile. Everyone else is still talking to your parents. Wanna play pool?" I nod towards the billiards table on the other side of the room. "I should warn you that I suck and there is a forty percent chance a ball might fly off the table and hit you."

"I'm oddly not surprised, but yeah sure, I'll play." Of course Mr. Sexy is great at pool why wouldn't he be. I let him break and half of his balls are now gone before I've had one turn. I did get to stare at his ass though, so in that sense, I would say I am winning. Just as I am about to hit my first ball, we hear voices coming down the hallway.

"Looks like we aren't gonna be able to finish this. Let's just assume you were going to continue to kick my ass."

"Yeah, sure." As I hand him my pool cue to put away our fingers brush against each other and an intense tingle instantly shoots up my arm. What the hell was that? My eyes dart up to meet his and I am sure we are wearing matching surprised and confused expressions. Holy Shit! He felt that too. Okay, the lusting and the swooning and the impure thoughts I get, but that shit was really weird! We continue to stare at each other and I feel this inexplicable urge to be closer to him. I take a step towards him and my heart rate skyrockets. I feel like Dorothy when she first sees Oz. My world was black and white and now there are all these bewildering colors. Okay maybe just the greens and bronzes are bewildering but whatever. Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

"Hey, Loser, why'd you bail on me with all the old people?" Emmett Cullen bellows as he bursts into the room. I snap out of my freaky Edward-induced trance. I look over at Edward to see that he has hastily stepped away and is putting away the pool cues. "Who's your friend in the mini skirt?" Emmett asks comically waggling his eyebrows at me. Edward smirks at me. I am staring to both love and hate that sexy ass smirk.

"Oh, this is Fuck Bella."