I don't own anything! Put away your lawyers, please!

Summary:
"When you lose someone, you usually go through the five stages of grief… denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. …I think I may be stuck on the fourth one." He helped her gain back the hope she had long-since lost. IchiRuki; AU

Rating: M (For safety and possible situations)
Genre: Romance/ Hurt/Comfort/Drama

Some quotes are from random books. More are from songs. Others I made up completely.

Inspiration: Inori~ You Raise Me Up by Lena Park, Because of You by Kelly Clarkson, and Saving Zoë by Alyson Noël, plus a lot of other stuff.

SONG IN HISANA'S DIARY IS SOMEDAY WHEN I STOP LOVING YOU BY Carrie Underwood.

SECOND SONG IS PLAY ON BY Carrie Underwood.

Chapter one:
You Said It'd be Easy

When life offers you a dream so far beyond any
of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve
when it comes to an end.

- Twilight

Dad was at work when it happened. No surprise.

So, being the responsible fifteen year old that I was at the time, I politely answered the door and found out the God-awful truth. I was the first to know about Hisana's death. Aside from the police, that is. And Byakuya, of course. Not to mention all the innocent people who were killed along with her.

I should've known something was wrong when they asked, "Can we please speak to your parents?"

I was just doing what I usually did after school. I sat, unmoving in front of the television, staring blankly at a rerun of BONES. Booth had just saved Brennan from getting shot… again. I was just sitting there when the doorbell rang.

And I got the worst news of my life.

My world was pure. Pure, utter light. The silhouette of the forest glowed in the magnificent sensation of purity. I gasped for air. This world was crafted so beautifully, but I only felt pain.

Why is that?

Did I follow her? In my state of depression, did I choose to follow my sister? Is this my punishment for taking my own life? I looked around, still gasping wildly. Hyperventilating, that was it. I'm surprised I was able to think so clearly in this state. "H-Hisa…" I tried to yell out her name, but no sound came out other than my hurried breaths.

Why can't I remember?

"Hisana!" Her name ripped from my throat, and I found myself back in the safety of my own bedroom. I was still having trouble breathing. I looked around, almost frantically. Her diary was sitting in my lap. I had managed to read the first two pages before I was knocked out. My eyes drifted to the clock. It was almost two in the morning.

Maybe I wouldn't go to school tomorrow. Or today. Whatever. I huffed, rereading the first two lines.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. She always used to say that. She was the more optimistic of the two of us, anyway. The second line read, I was trapped in one of those horrifyingly accurate nightmares, the one where you have to run, run till your lungs burst, but you can never outrun the horrifying beast that's chasing you. I could barely remember anything except my screaming and the pain I felt. Was that what triggered my own nightmare?

I felt tempted to read the rest, but decided against it.

I took out my own journal instead.

December 10, 2009
1:57 AM

Byakuya gave me Hisana's old diary.

I read the first two lines. And then, had a nightmare. Does fate or some higher power really hate me so much?

Will write more later. Rukia K.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. –Hisana K.
I was trapped in one of those horrifyingly accurate nightmares, the one where you have to run, run till your lungs burst, but you can never outrun the horrifying beast that's chasing you. I could barely remember anything except my screaming and the pain I felt. –Hisana K.

I shut the book. Sealed it closed with a red ribbon. Sighed. Put it away. Waited.

For what, though, I have absolutely no clue.

Morning
8:39 AM

"Rukia…" Orihime murmured as I walked in late, to second period English. I smirked silently to myself. Did I really look like crap?

"Rukia!" Ms. Ochi scolded. I looked up lazily. "Hm?" I was too tired to actually speak. "You're late," I snorted. Thank you Captain Obvious. "What's your excuse this time?" I yawned. "I slept in. Only had about three hours last night, you know."

She obviously didn't expect such a straight-forward answer. She was probably expecting a half-assed excuse, like I normally gave. Something along the lines of, 'Does it really, honestly matter if I'm late or not? I'm here, aren't I?' "You okay, Ms. O?" Dawn asked innocently. I smiled to myself. I have got to thank her later.

"I… uh, I'm fine, Dawn. Rukia, take your seat. Class, let's continue. Open your books to page 429…" I yawned again. Dawn turned to look at me, and she winced slightly. "Damn," She whistled, "You look like crap. You get run over by a bus on your way here?" I chuckled dryly. "Huh, I look that bad?"

"Worse," Ichigo told me from his seat next to Dawn. I shrugged. Ichigo was my friend, I guess. It depended on how you looked at it. He was nice, sometimes, but I never actually talked to him. I didn't care about what he said, anyway. He could've told the entire world I slept with him and I wouldn't care.

…After I finished beating him within an inch of his life, anyway.

"Gee, thanks Ichigo." I said sarcastically, leaning back in my chair. I slumped again, resting my head on my arms. I let out a muffled yawn.

"Wake me when this period ends." I murmured, letting myself fall deeply into sleep.

I never noticed Ichigo and Dawn's concerned faces.

"Hinamori was here yesterday?" I perked up, looking at Inoue. She nodded solemnly. "Yeah. She just got back from rehab. Haven't you… talked to her? At all?" They all thought I knew everything about Momo because we were in the same boat. We weren't even in the same ocean.

"No… I think she changed her number. She hasn't called me. How 'bout you guys?" Tatsuki and Orihime shook their heads. Dawn shrugged. "She left me a voicemail sometime last month. Asked me if anything new was going on. I tried calling her the next day, but no go." Inoue got that Nancy Drew look in her eyes again. "Now why would Hinamori want to know about school? She hardly ever goes!"

"I don't know," I said, rubbing my temples with my hands. "Oh… damn. As if feeling like you're gonna pass out from lack of sleep isn't bad enough. Now I've got a fucking headache." Tatsuki rolled her eyes at me. "Aw, quit it, would you? Stop being a baby. I don't wanna here you unless your head's about to be split open, alright?"

I glared. "Fine."

We didn't talk for the rest of lunch.

"One foot's on the bus 'bout half past nine… I knew that you were leaving this time. I thought about lying down in its path, thinking that you might get off for that." I sang the lyrics Hisana had wrote down in her perfect cursive, smiling to myself. I was in last period, study hall. I was crouched next to the library's 'dark romance' bookcase. I felt a presence sit down next to me. I didn't have to look to know who it was.

The smell of irises really gave it away.

"Hey, Dawn." I said, not looking up. She smiled broadly at me. "Hey. What'cha reading?" I shut the diary with a sigh.

"Do you remember Byakuya Kuchiki?" She got a dreamy look in her hazel eyes. "You mean your sister's totally sexy fiancé? Hell yes I do!" She shouted the last part. The librarian shushed us from a couple feet away, chastising her for her rudeness and choice of language.

A few students snickered softly. Others shot us dirty looks. A couple of guys smiled at us, winking. Some girls scoffed.

Dawn grinned sheepishly. "What about him, Rukia?" I sighed, handing her the little book. She took it curiously. "This would be…?" I bit my lip. "He came by my house a few days ago. You know I started therapy right?" Dawn blinked. "You really took Orihime's advice? Surprising, and you're a really predictable person."

"Wow, thanks, Dawn." I said sarcastically. "Anyway, that's Hisana's old journal. He wanted me to keep it." Dawn looked at the little book, and then handed back to me with a soft sigh. I blinked. "You're not gonna read it? Aren't you curious?" She snorted. "Hell yeah I'm curious, but that's your sister's personal thoughts and secrets. Do I really strike you as that type of girl?"

"Yes." I spoke without hesitation. "You'd take Orihime's or my journal in a flat second if we gave any indication we had one. And then you'd post it on the internet."

"I would, but not if you were six feet under." She spoke softly, almost sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Ru, but I was taught to respect the dead. And that means no reading other people's personal thoughts and feelings!" She grinned foxily at me. I shook my head. Dawn Hunter was too much. She grinned, getting up and walking away.

The bell rang. The day was over and done with.

"I bet all I had on a thing called love… I guess in the end it wasn't enough. And it's hard to watch you leave right now… I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow…" I sang the rest of her song softly to myself.

I'll move on baby just like you. When the desert floods And the grass turns blue. When a sailing ship don't need her moon. It'll break my heart but I'll get through. Someday when I stop loving you.

Friday, December 11, 2009
11:58 PM

I hopped out of dad's 2007 Jeep Wrangler. He was at home right now, probably asleep. He wouldn't have missed me. Not much, if anything. He was just one of those dads who wanted to know their daughter, but didn't do anything until it was much too late.

His 'too late' passed two and a half years ago.

I huffed in the cold winter air, almost mesmerized by the puffs of misty air I was making with my short, hot breaths. I would kill to just get back in that car and drive back home. Not yet, though. I had to do this. Had to do this when there was still time and dad wouldn't question where I was going.

I walked into the cemetery. Looked from left to right. And then, I saw it.

Two headstones, side by side. They were bare, aside from the beautifully carved wording.

On Hisana's; In loving memory of Hisana M. Kiyoshi. "Don't ever give up the fight."

"You say that when you did give up." I smiled bitterly. "Even in the storm on the darkest night…" I murmured some more words from her diary to myself, looking over at my mother's grave.

Haruka S. Madoka Kiyoshi. Beloved wife, sister, and mother. May she rest in peace.

"Sorry for the lack of flowers, guys." I smiled absentmindedly. "Slipped my mind. I was too eager to get outta there when daddy was sleeping." I said 'daddy' in a malicious tone. "He doesn't let me use the car much anymore. Not since that kid… Um… I think his name was Hotaru or something, died last year. Still has a lot of parents on edge. You probably would be too, huh?" I felt a little silly talking to a headstone.

But, strangely, it made me feel better.

"Um… so, I'll visit later. Bye." I said the words quickly, like I wanted to get out of there. I did. I fast walked away, and as I did, something caught my eye.

No… not something, someone. "…Ichigo?" I whispered, ducking behind a tree. Why was he here so late at night? He was kneeling down in front of a headstone, which had fresh roses on it. My brows knitted together in confusion. I bit my lip to stop myself from calling his name.

"What the hell is he doing here?" I asked myself again, taking a step forward. I stepped on a leaf, making just a little noise.

He seemed to hear me, though, because the next second, he was looking at me, confusion in his ocher eyes.

"…Rukia?"

Damn it.

I cursed myself silently. "Um… hey, Kurosaki. Fancy meeting you here." I said in the most innocent and girly voice I could muster. He smiled softly. "Hey, Rukia. What're you doing out here, so late? Little kids like you shouldn't be hangin' out here." I growled. He loved teasing me about my height, or lack thereof.

"Shut up, Strawberry-boy. I was… visiting somebody."

His eyes softened. "Sorry." He murmured, and I had to strain my ears to hear it. I shrugged, swallowing the lump in my throat. "S'okay. Just my sister and my mom… lived without mom half my life. I'm still having a little trouble getting over sis, though. And… you?"

His eyes shifted from the headstone and back to me. "My mom, too. She… died when I was nine." My mouth felt dry. "I-I'm so sorry…" This was the first time I ever felt sorry for somebody other than myself, in a while.

He shrugged. "I've gotten over it, in some ways. Why are you here so late?" He asked, sitting down on the grass, motioning for me to do the same. I plopped down, hesitantly. My dad doesn't let me drive anymore, and he's too much of a fucking prick to visit. "I don't get the car very often. Dad uses it for work all the time, and refuses to get me one of my own." At least that last part was true.

"I feel your pain," Ichigo chuckled. "That's why I'm here late, too. My own father runs a clinic, and he needs the car, just in case of an emergency." I smiled. This was the first time I've ever really talked with Ichigo Kurosaki, and it's about the most traumatizing subjects in my life.

"Whoa!"

"Ah!"

He suddenly jolted forward when the sprinklers turned on, and, out of instinct, grabbed my hand and made a mad dash to the road.

We were laughing the entire time.

And I still refused to accept the redness of my cheeks were a blush, but instead, a flush from all the adrenaline.

I also refused to accept the fact I was completely and utterly wrong.

MERRY CHRISTMAS/CHRISTMAS EVE!! It actually depends on where you are in the world. But I'm in California, so it's Christmas Eve. So… Merry Christmas. Or whatever it is you celebrate, whether is be Hanukah or Kwanzaa or something else.

I just adore IchiRuki, don't you? …Stupid question. Of course you do!

Please review, and I'll update ASAP!!

-TMU