I don't own anything! Put away your lawyers, please!

Summary:
"When you lose someone, you usually go through the five stages of grief… denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. …I think I may be stuck on the fourth one." He helped her gain back the hope she had long-since lost. IchiRuki; AU

Rating: M (For safety and possible situations)
Genre: Romance/ Hurt/Comfort/Drama

Some quotes are from random books. More are from songs. Others I made up completely.

Inspiration: Inori~ You Raise Me Up by Lena Park, Because of You by Kelly Clarkson, and Saving Zoë by Alyson Noël, plus a lot of other stuff.

Chapter Four:
When I Look At You

"Without suffering there would be no compassion."
"Yeah, well tell that to those who suffer."

-A Walk to Remember (Jamie and Landon)

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"Are you okay?"

I looked up, blinking sleepily at Orihime. It was nearly six o' clock.

In the morning.

I had barely gotten any sleep, going to bed at midnight, waking up somewhere around four. Orihime was just an early riser. "'Course, why would you ask that?" She shrugged. "I don't know, ever since you… you know, you've been spending more and more time with Kurosaki… you just seem happier all of a sudden." Her voice was quiet, almost sad.

It was then my heart broke, but not for me, but for my best friend since kindergarten. She liked –maybe loved- Ichigo Kurosaki. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Nothing's going on," I said quickly, trying hopelessly to ignore the fluttering butterflies in my stomach. My heart pounded at his name.

My god, barely a day and a half and I'm already acting like a love-struck school girl? What's wrong with me?

"He's just… we're only friends, he just wanted to get to know me a little better. You know how quiet I've been around people outside our group since Hisana's death." I never liked talking about it, and I knew eventually I'd have to stop. But I needed her to know just what happened, and if it meant opening old scars, so be it.

Orihime winced. "Oh, okay. Sorry I brought it up… I just… you know," She laughed lightly. Desiree stirred. I giggled. "Whoa, she's still asleep? Very heavy sleeper," Orihime whistled softly, poking our roommate's shoulder. I giggled harder.

"Leave her alone, I'm gonna take a shower," I shook my head, grabbing a towel from a nearby dresser.

"Okay," Was all Orihime said, and I couldn't help but wonder if she really was okay.

"Oh my gosh!" Dawn squeaked, running up to Ichigo. "Ku-ro-sa-ki," She broke his name up into syllables, "Help me, I'm begging you. And you know I never beg!" She huffed, "Just take me to Rukia and Orihime's room without my roommate's spotting us."

"Why?" He finally managed to ask when she started subtly pulling on his sleeve. "Well, Sakura's being a total bitch. And, do you know how many shop's she's visited? I'd count about a hundred. And she's making me be her dress up toy, saying that I'm her size and her height, just not prettier."

She snorted. "I hate that she-demon. And you know what else? I never want to step foot in another Hokkaido clothing store again."

Ichigo raised an eyebrow. "Well, what's wrong with Kikyo?"

"What isn't wrong with Kikyo? Peppiness is one thing… I can tell, because you know I respect it. Psychopath is totally different. And let me tell you, that girl is loopy. Nobody's that happy all the time. It's just not normal!"

Ichigo smirked. "Sorry, but I can't help you this time."

Dawn gaped. "You never turn me or Tatsuki down. Ever. Unless you know, something important is going on. But now… I think you're just blowing me off for the sake of blowing me off. Ichigo, if you don't help me… then… god, I don't know, but my sanity is at jeopardy here!" She whined, stomping her foot childishly.

"Escape them like you escaped English last semester."

"That won't work. Akio's not waiting outside the hotel in his Escalade; I'm not splashing water on my face to look clammy, pretending to be sick, and Mrs. Ochi and Mr. Ukitake aren't total pushovers like Mr. Kyoraku was," She sighed.

Ichigo shrugged. "Have fun shopping," He said, blatantly ignoring her scoffs and cries for help when Sakura made her way down the hall.

"ICHIGO!"

"Aren't you comin' Desiree?" Orihime asked gently, looking at her yawning roommate. She shook her head, sighing. "Nah, maybe not. I'll just play hooky. Tell Ochi I'm sick, would ya?" She laughed. "I'm serious. See you two later," She sunk back into bed.

"Bye," Orihime and I echoed in unison. I couldn't help but ask, as soon as we were out the door, "Orihime, do you like Ichigo?" She blushed madly. "Um… why would you ask that? L-let's get a move on, okay? I wanna get some breakfast before we leave. Let's see… I'll have toast and red bean paste, and…"

"…And you're avoiding the question," I teased, grinning, even though my mind was spinning. Why did it seem to bother me so much if she did like him? I shouldn't care; she probably knew more about Kurosaki than I did, anyway!

"Yeah, I do, but it's okay." She laughed nervously. "If you want him, you can have him." She tried to sound nonchalant. I sighed. She was hopeless. "You deserve him more," I said, yawning.

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Are we really having this argument?"

"Yes, yes we are."

We broke out in laughter. I sighed tiredly. "No, but seriously, you like him, Orihime. You deserve him, and let's face it, I'm a little too distracted to deal with a guy right now." She groaned, "Why do you do that?" I blinked. "Do what?"

"That! You know, the guilt thing. When you tell me or somebody else to go for something because you're too distracted. You're horrible! You guilt people into chasing their dreams!" I shook my head with a smile. "I never knew that was a bad thing," I grinned.

"It is! Omigod, are you serious? Please tell me you're not. You're such a martyr, you know that? You make people do the things they yearn to do because you… you're, you know." She looked at me with questioning eyes, wondering if she could say it out loud.

I rolled my eyes. "One, I am so not a martyr. Two, you don't have to talk about it like I'm gonna break down if you do. And three, I thought you wanted to date him, so don't you complain." I scolded her like I always did, in that sister-sister fashion. She smiled. "Okay, thanks for your permission, mom."

"I'm your older sis, if anything, 'kay? I don't plan on having kids 'till I get hitched. And I don't plan on tying the knot 'till I'm well over thirty."

"Why? I'm getting married straight out of college!" I snorted. "Then your marriage has a fifty-fifty percent chance of going under. No, I'm playing out that ol' Cyndi Lauper song; Girls just wanna have Fun, and finding the right guy. But if I'm still forty and single, well… then, screw fate!"

We laughed as we got to the meeting spot. Ms. Ochi and Mr. Ukitake did a head count.

"Where's Desiree?" Ms. Ochi asked, looking us over again.

I rolled my eyes. "Sick," Orihime and I echoed in unison. Ochi snorted. "Yeah, okay, I'll believe it when pigs fly." Ukitake smiled nervously. "Yes… ah, okay, students, find your traveling buddy." I rolled my eyes again. What were we, five year olds?

Ichigo sauntered up to me. I smiled, although in nothing less than a friendly manner, knowing Orihime was watching us.

Why?! My mind seethed. It's not like you like him, and even if you did, why would you care about what Inoue says? So, she likes him. Big deal. She'll move on. You got first dibs, girl! I blinked, considering this, but quickly shook it away. No. She's been crushing on Kurosaki forever, and I'd be damned if I took it away.

"Hey," he said, offering a so-so smile. "Hi," I said back, mimicking his expression. "What's the matter? You look like shit, to put it simply." I said, not being able to come up with anything clever. He shrugged. "So do you," he argued halfheartedly. "I just… I don't know. You ever have one of those days? When you wake up, and everything else just becomes… bleh."

I smiled softly. "Practically every day."

"Yeah?" he said, trying to sound sympathetic. "Um…" I started in a whisper, "Do ya know where we're goin'?" I felt really stupid asking, since I knew exactly where we were going, and he probably knew this was one desperate attempt of trying to make conversation.

He shrugged, "I think it's just a tour around town. The museum's tomorrow." I nodded, "Oh, mm'kay. Thanks," I said stupidly.

An awkward silence followed. "So…"

"So…"

I stopped, smiling nervously. Whoa, totally awkward… somebody shoot me already.

"Hey! Kurosaki, Kuchiki!"

I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank god… "Hi, Dawn." I said, attempting to sound friendly. It actually came out as kind of a growl. Even though I was hoping somebody would stop this horrid conversation, I was a bit peeved at Dawn for interrupting.

Wow. Bipolar, much?

"What're you doing here?" Ichigo sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Dawn grinned, tilting back and forth on the tips of her toes, her hands clasped behind her back. Something about that smile made me want to run and hide.

Weird.

"Nothin'. Sakura's a bitch, Kikyo's crazy, and Orihime's acting funny." My throat was dry. "Kind of… I don't know, jealous, maybe. You know that look you get, Rukia, when Ich…"

"Ah-ah-ah!" I yelped, slapping my hand over her blabber-mouth. She flinched at the impact, and tried to lick my hand. I cringed inwardly, ewwing to myself, but held strong. "Oh, Dawn… you're so funny! Ah ha ha ha!" I laughed nervously, in an obviously fake way, as the hazel-eyed brunette struggled fruitlessly to be free.

"Now," I murmured through grit teeth, "you're gonna shut up, mm'kay?" I forced my voice to sound as sweet and sugary and evil as possible. Her eyes widened a fraction, and she nodded frantically, wordlessly.

My grip softened lightly, and she wiggled free, reminding me of one of those fuzzy black caterpillars trying fruitlessly to get away from a starving bird. "Um…" She said, obviously wanting to get away quickly. She searched hurriedly for an excuse. "I think I've got to go, see ya Rukia, Ichigo," she tossed us a knowing look, sprinting off to Orihime before she could do anything weird.

I huffed, smiling somewhat happily. I really did feel bad, I mean, it's not like she meant any harm to come of it. Dawn was just so… giddy, that she couldn't keep her mouth shut half the time. That was probably her biggest downfall.

"What'd she mean when she said you get jealous…?"

"Nothing!" I spoke almost too quickly, "She's just really… she's been really weird since she bought her new contacts," I lied. Her eyesight was fine, and she thought hazel was pretty.

"I didn't know she wore them," He said with a small smile. He could so tell I was lying.

"She doesn't. She… um, did. Doesn't anymore, though. She wanted to know how it felt to have blue eyes, and said the contacts bothered her. Heh… doesn't wear 'em much anymore." I said, and even I couldn't believe it. Too rushed… to unnaturally flowing.

My heart pounded.

Wait! Stop right there, sister. Some rational part of me exclaimed furiously, one that sounded strangely familiar, maybe. Don't go off falling for some guy you barely know!

You know him, the side that had been pining after Ichigo since day one argued, don't listen! You know him, Rukia. And you like him. Why shouldn't you take a chance? Be free for once… live in the moment, don't go pretending like nothing's worth it anymore.

Such bitter, truthful words.

"Uh, ah…" He started again, when Ms. Ochi whistled. "Okay you maggots, let's get a move on!" I laughed to myself. "Do you know if she really even likes kids?" Ichigo shrugged, "My guess is she's only here 'till she's accepted by American Idol. You know she wants to move to L.A?"

"Yeah. I think it's totally weird. Guess she's stuck with us forever." I laughed dryly, as he grabbed my wrist, leading me to the bus.

---

"Orihime? Hime, yoo hoo! O-ri-hi-me! Inoue! Snap to it! Come on!" Dawn clapped her hands in front of her friend's face, then proceeded to yank her hair. "Ouchy!" She yelled, pulling back, "What'cha do that for, D?"

"You weren't paying attention, you space cadet! Are you feeling alright?"

"Just peachy," She said in a far away tone, looking dejectedly as Rukia and Ichigo walked to the bus, hand in hand—or rather, wrist in hand. Her throat felt dry, and she coughed lightly, trying halfheartedly to distract herself.

"I'm fine."

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Ichigo:

I looked over at Rukia, sweat beading on the back of my neck. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and mentally smacked myself. I've never had a crush on a girl… ever, since I was nine and I met Tatsuki. But I think that may have only been the inner workings of my young mind, and the mysteries that surrounded girls.

My second crush or 'near-love interest' as she called it, was Dawn. But she was too… I don't really know. Not my type? She was pretty… well, beautiful. But we were better off as friends. We were only in seventh grade anyway. We had broken it off after a week though. The tension and awkwardness became too much. And I have to admit, it was like dating my sister.

My third was a girl from eighth grade, who moved to Kyoto not long after Freshman year at Kakura High school. Her name was Senna Mikuru. Kind of weird, but really, seriously gorgeous, and I think it was all just physical, anyway. I broke up with her about a week before she moved. …I don't think I'd ever seen anyone cry that much in one week.

Poor Senna.

Orihime's just a friend. A very pretty, very strange friend, but a friend nonetheless. But I honestly don't think she could be anything more.

I don't know Momo all that well, either.

And then, there's all the other girls in Japan. But seriously, no matter how hard I looked, I don't think I could ever find somebody who understands me more than Rukia Kuchiki.

Once again, I smacked myself mentally. What the hell?! I've known her since kindergarten, but she's… she's too… she's still… I don't know, but whatever she is, I shouldn't be falling for her! I shouldn't feel like that… I shouldn't… I stopped as she started talking.

"It's gonna rain soon…" She said in a far-away voice, and I looked over her head, peering at the menacing storm clouds. My brows knitted together in annoyance. I hate rain. "So it is," I whispered, my eyes narrowing as I heard storm clouds in the distance.

She sighed, closing her eyes and leaning back. "I hate rain."

"Me, too."

She looked over at me, a smirk playing on her lips. "Really? Most people find it comforting."

"I'm not most people." I said offhandedly, leaning back, too. A flicker of something-- familiarity, perhaps?-- flickered behind her amethyst irises, and she blinked. Then laughed a soft, whimsical laugh.

"Neither am I," She told me, grinning happily. "Have you ever heard the song, You Raise Me Up, by Lena Park?" I nodded slowly, "Ah… sure. But the one I heard was by Secret Garden, not Park." She shrugged, smiling. "Whatever. Same song," She sighed again.

A minute passed.

Two minutes.

"Why?" I finally asked, stupidly.

"Hm?" She asked calmly, relaxed.

"Why'd you ask?"

She blinked, her eyes filled with wonder, and for a second, it seemed like she glimpsed eternity… or something equally naïve and cliché. "Haven't you ever just… I don't know, wondered?" She asked like I would be crazy if I said no, or really stupid if I said yes.

So I said nothing.

She smiled again. "S'okay," She said, sitting up straight. "Nobody ever does, not anymore. No one ever takes enough time to stop…" She paused, "Breathe, drink it in, and avoid all the bull life throws at you." She smiled, one more time, almost nostalgically.

"…Sorry. I'm being really weird. I guess it's just… I don't know. It happens… it's been happening a lot since… you know."

I do.

"It's okay. I understand." She nodded to herself, a single, solitary tear making its way down her cheek. Before I knew it, I was reaching out…

And the tear was gone.

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Rukia:

(Four years ago; Rukia as 13, Hisana is 22.)

"Hisa!" I whined, and I winced. Damn, I could barely stand myself. How could Hisana put on such a happy face around me? My big sister sighed, jogging up. "Yeah, Ru?" I shifted from foot to foot. I was thirteen years old. I should've known my short time with sissy would come to an end all too soon.

But yet, I asked her, too innocently, "Do you have to go, sis?" She smiled sweetly. "Yeah, sorry. Spring break's over. But look at the bright side… you've got a week more of break! A week more of freedom…" She looked at me, sorrow written in her blue-gray depths.

"I'll see you at Thanksgiving, okay? Bye," She said, making her way to her black 2005 Honda. I sighed heavily, wishing she could stay, just a little longer.

I couldn't wait 'till I could finally fly away from this hellhole, too.

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Rukia:

Ms. Ochi and Mr. Ukitake are letting us run free, so long as we stick close to our partners. So now, I'm sitting in a place with Ichigo called Café Kokoro, sipping my own green tea. It was actually pretty nice, I've got to admit. Nice interior, it had a somewhat homey feel. Tea's good, as far as I can tell.

"Nice place," I commented, focusing my attention outside the window, although I could seriously feel his stare on me. "Yeah," He said, and I looked at my purple-polished nails. "I really wish they had places like this back in Kakura…" I said, not actually paying attention.

"There is, it's called the Sakura Café. I used to take my sister's there all the time."

"Oh," I said, almost stupidly. "I'll check it out… maybe next week or something."

"Maybe."

Our eyes lock.

He stares at me.

I stare at him.

We stare.

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Pretty boring filler chap, ne? But more IchiRuki, comin' your way!

Lolz, plz review!!

-TMU-know-who!!!