A/N Long chapter is Long. :)
The bite mark on his shoulder stung.
Jim shook his head a little, not sure how long he had been standing there in the hot water. He was ashamed at how his body had responded again while he remembered. He started to touch himself, but the memory of the disgust Spock felt as he rolled off the bed hit him all at once, and he jerked his hand away, ashamed.
There was so much steam in the room that he couldn't see outside of the glass door of the fresher. He blinked as water ran into his eyes and reached for the shampoo and soap. His mother had always laughed at him for his insistence on using what she called 'an old fashioned beauty regimen' but Jim actually preferred it when he could. Water wasn't in that short of supply, and if he wanted to take a long, hot shower, then damnit he was the captain and would.
Well, not that he would be the captain for much longer.
He took a shaky breath and squared his shoulders, washing the shampoo out of his hair. Enough dicking around. He needed to talk to Uhura, and send a message to the Ambassador. Then he needed to talk to Karidian. He also had to find Erica and Kev. Jim's pulse skyrocketed as he remembered his orders. God, how could he have forgotten them, even for a moment? Most of all, he needed to talk to Spock. His apology might not mean much, but Jim was desperate to give it to him. He would…
There was a whistle of sound at the bathroom door. From Spock's side of the bathroom door.
Jim thought his knees were going to collapse.
The whistle sounded again, even more insistent. If a door chime could be insistent. Okay, so maybe Jim was projecting. He shut off the water, proud that his hand was only shaking a little. He reached for a towel and wrapped it around his waist, stepping out of the shower.
"Enter."
The door swished open and Spock was there, looking his usual implacable self. They stared at each other for a moment and then spoke at the same time.
"Your shower of twenty-seven point five minutes would seem to indicate you are unwell."
"Spock. I… I don't even know where to start, but I need to say this…"
Spock held up his hand and gave a small shake of his head. "The fault was not yours. You had no control over your actions. Please do not concern yourself over semantics."
Semantics?! Jim almost dropped the towel.
"We have much to discuss. My ship's duties are in effect until the end of the beta shift. Will you be available then to speak?"
"I. Yes. Of course, Spock." Jim reached out to him without thinking. When Spock flinched away from him, Jim felt his heart give a tiny flutter. Well what did you expect? Idiot. "I am so fucking sorry, Spock." His voice broke, the steam from the shower swirling around him in the draft from the open door, causing him to shiver a little.
"There is no reason to be sorry." Spock hesitated at the door. "Captain, I deeply regret my own actions. I acted illogically and those actions culminated in the… events that followed. We do have much to discuss." Spock looked back at Jim as he repeated the last sentence. He kept his gaze on Jim's chest, unable or unwilling to look him in the eyes. Jim could see that he was bothered, despite his words; Spock fairly twitched in place as his desire to leave fought against his desire to speak.
Jim also turned to walk out into his own room, to spare Spock being put into an uncomfortable position again. He was so confused. Spock hadn't even mentioned the bond. Was it even a bond? Did it really mean what Jim had been told or guessed from his xenocultural studies? He took a deep breath and slung the towel over on his bed. He walked to his closet and got dressed, avoiding the Starfleet uniform, and instead finding a pair of jeans and one of the black undershirts that went under his gold shirt. They were comfortable as hell. It was the actual command shirt that seemed to be a blend of every itchy fabric in the galaxy. He found some boots and quickly dried his hair.
"Kirk to Lieutenant Uhura."
"Uhura, here Captain. Glad to have you back. We were a little worried about you."
Jim blinked.
"Captain? I'm in my quarters. I can't believe I'm saying this, but your place or mine? I don't think what I have to say would do either of us any good if it were overheard."
Well, lovely. That sounded a lot like: 'I know what you've been up to and I don't want witnesses to your grisly death.'
"Sure. I'll see you in a few minutes."
Jim left his quarters and made his way to Uhura's. They weren't too far away from his. He was too preoccupied to do much more than smile and nod to the passing crew members he saw on his way, before announcing his presence. The doors wooshed open and he stepped inside, feeling more than a little out of his depth.
He wanted to look around and simultaneously look at the floor so as to not make eye contact. Her room was decorated in various shades of blue and purple. Jim could see some sort of musical instrument in the corner, and what looked like several different types of statues collected on a shelf near her bed. His eyes quickly darted away from her bed. Shame warred with nausea in his stomach. Their friendship was so tentative that when he broke it Jim was pretty sure that it would never be a way to fix it again. He gave himself the mental equivalent of a slap on the face and looked up, smiling at Uhura as she typed in something on her console.
"Hello, Captain."
"Uhura."
She gestured to the table and Jim made his way over there, sitting down. Uhura looked a little nervous.
Which was just all flavors of weird.
"Thanks for meeting me. I was guessing that you haven't heard yet. About my conduct unbecoming." She spun in her chair and looked directly at him, although Jim noticed that she was playing with the end of her ponytail.
Jim blinked. "Your conduct? No, Spock didn't … ah, get a chance to fill me in. What did you do?"
She sat down, playing with the tablecloth. "The thing is, sir? I'm not really sorry for punching her."
"You punched someone?" Jim thought for a moment that maybe he was still lost in his head somewhere, dreaming.
"Yeah, I was afraid Spock was going to kill her. He was sort of... growling, and she was nuttier than a Christmas fruitcake with all her taunts. I mean who taunts a Vulcan? … And, well, I had time to think, 'this chick needs to shut it' before wham! My fist sort of found her face. Hard." She showed him her first two knuckles which were faintly bruised. She grimaced at them and tried something approximating a smile towards Jim.
Jim's brain had stalled at the idea of Spock growling, and it took him a minute to catch up with the rest of the conversation. Clearly, from his reaction some of that drug must still be in his system. He shifted in his seat, more uncomfortable than ever. "O..kay. So you put the smackdown on... whom exactly?"
"That crazy bitch. Karidian."
A flood of memories hit him at her mention of that name. Karidian's smile as she flirted with him in the dingy bar. The look she gave her father as she handed him over to Kodos. The way she had been there, watching when he woke up. How tightly she had tied his gag. Jim shook his head, aware that he was starting to sweat. "You knocked her out?" Was his voice breathier than normal? He could feel his heart start to beat faster. His mouth seemed extremely dry.
"Yeah. One punch."
"That is... the sexiest thing I ever heard. I should put a commendation in your file." Trying to sound like 'Jim Kirk' when he was feeling the beginning stirrings of another panic attack was rather ironic, he thought.
It was Uhura's turn to blink.
Jim swallowed his dry throat. "Okay, so Karidian is on my ship? In the brig, I presume?"
"Yes. I made sure of it when Spock hightailed it out of there. He was really worried about you, Captain. Are you okay? You're sweating a little."
"I'm fine. I think with the circumstances your exploration of… differences between a subordinate and yourself can be overlooked. It sounds like I have a lot to thank you for." I really wish you'd call me Jim." He took a deep breath, and another, forcing the fluttery burst of panic back into the dark place it lived. He did not have time for this now.
"Keep wishing. And don't thank me. Spock was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about."
Jim winced. "Ah. Well, anything you'd like to tell me I would be happy to hear."
Uhura snorted and stood up, crossing to the replicator and ordering some food. "Well, I don't think you're going to like what I have to say. Do you want something to eat? You look a bit pale."
That was the understatement of the century. Surely it couldn't be a good sign if she was stalling. "Sure. Whatever you're having." He ignored her concern about his health.
He watched as she programmed her choice. It wasn't that he was checking her out, exactly. He'd pretty much gotten that out of his system once she had made it clear that she was with Spock. He had a moment of complete cowardliness. Spock had said that there was nothing to apologize for. Maybe he was planning on telling her what he'd done so that Jim wouldn't have to? That did seem like him; he'd been really protective of him since finding him on that ship. Jim sighed. Surely he could quit being such a girl and spare Spock at least that.
Jim was interrupted from his inner thoughts, smiling a little when Uhura turned around and he saw the two club sandwiches on a plate in one hand, and what looked like two brown bottles in the other. He wasn't really hungry, but she looked so proud of herself.
"Crispy. Bacon." She said this in the tones of someone who had just discovered an entire new world. "Scotty figured out how to get the replicator to give you specifics."
"Never underestimate the focus of a Scotsman and his pursuit of sandwich nirvana. What's in the bottle?"
"Taste it."
Jim raised an eyebrow (not nearly as high or as impressively as Spock could, but in his mind it looked much more debonair) and tried a small sip.
"Root beer? Wow, I'm coming over for dinner more often!" He took a large gulp, loving the taste as it bubbled in his mouth.
Uhura chose that exact moment to speak. "I think Spock has bonded with you."
Jim chocked on the root beer. The bubbles were not nearly as tasty when they came back up through his nose. What the fuck, could people ever talk about bonding when he wasn't drinking something? He glared at her, the effect somewhat ruined by his face, covered in the sweet drink and bright red from coughing.
She was talking quickly as though she wasn't sure that she could get all the words out. "He keeps talking of this 'residual' bond, and that doesn't make any sense. He said he could sense you, and you could sense him. I don't know what caused it, but those things don't just go away. I know you probably know nothing about what a Vulcan bond means, so I thought that I would try to give you a crash course."
"Wait, you want to help me to bond with your boyfriend? Uhura you have no idea how despicable that thought even is; no idea what I've done to him. Believe me he wants nothing to do with me."
He watched Uhura's eyes narrow at the word 'despicable'. Uhura deliberately finished her little triangle of sandwich and wiped her mouth and held up one finger. "One. He hasn't been my boyfriend for months now. But he is my friend and the two of you seem to be complete idiots about getting anything sorted out between the two of you. Obviously you need help. Lots of help. Two. I can imagine what you've done to him. You were on shore leave. You didn't have any way of knowing that he could feel it when you have sex with someone. You are bonded. That doesn't go away, and whatever denial land Spock was living in it probably didn't shield him from it. So, yeah you might think you've done something 'despicable', but he will understand." She smiled a little. "He's pretty logical that way. And three." She took a sip of root beer and then cocked her head so that her brown eyes met Jim's wide blue ones. "He's wanted something with you for a long time."
Jim just sat there, staring, not sure what part of her speech to process first. He absently took another sip of root beer. "How does everyone know about this bonding deal but me? Did I miss out on some sort of extra-credit class at the Academy?"
"Um, not exactly. I asked his mother."
Jim realized he was sitting there with his mouth open. He shut it with a small 'pop' of sound. 'You really do go after something directly, don't you."
Uhura blushed. "Spock had the same reaction when I told him. But Amanda was very helpful. I mean, she was the first Human to ever marry a Vulcan! She's definitely the expert on the subject. Her vids were actually kind of hilarious. She explained to me about the history and customs and… well. I think I can help you if you want me to."
"Uhura are you trying to set me up with Spock?" Jim wanted to be clear on this subject.
Uhura laughed. "Captain, you've bonded to the only Vulcan-Human hybrid in existence. Trust me; you're already 'set up' with him. I'm just trying to help so that you don't kill each other."
"And that's not weird for you?"
She looked away from him and down at the table. "It… maybe. I don't love him like that anymore. But I don't want him hurt." Her eyes were piercing as they caught his. "I know you, Jim Kirk. Without my help, you will do something stupid."
His stomach clenched. "You're acting like we're in love with each other or something. We're not. Yeah, maybe we have this bond thing, and maybe we don't. I can't feel him right now, anyway so it hardly matters." He stood up, hand clutching the root beer hard enough that his knuckles were white. It was too late. He had already done something stupid; something beyond shitty and… he had to get out of there. Now before he started crying or something other pathetic thing. "Look, thanks for the lunch. I have to go."
"Wait a minute…at least let me send you some stuff. Will you promise to read it at least?"
Jim nodded, set down the bottle and left feeling every inch the coward he was as he scurried back to his quarters, unable to face her for a single moment more.
He staggered against his desk, holding onto it for dear life as he felt his chest start to close. His stomach wasn't happy with the choice of food, and for the second time in as many hours he just barely made it to the toilet before getting sick. He grabbed his towel from his earlier shower and wiped his mouth, not wanting to move too much from the floor. He sat there a moment, breathing slowly, trying to get his body back under control.
When he was smaller, the panic attacks had been much worse. In school, when he had been about sixteen, one of the counselors had taken him aside and shown him how to slow his breathing, center himself, becoming hyper aware of every breath that he took, every heartbeat, every pulse of blood in his system. It helped to remind him of who he was and that had kept the panic attacks away. That trick worked now, but did nothing for his mental state which fairly whirled around; thoughts beating against one another. He'd thought that meeting with Uhura would be bad because of her reaction to what he had done. And he hadn't even had the courage to explain the specifics. What she had told him had only confirmed what he knew: that what he had done was unforgivable.
Only Spock didn't seem too worried about it.
He acted as though he had been at fault and not Jim. For the first time, Jim allowed himself to think about what they would talk about when Spock got off of his shift in few hours. Spock had seemed jumpy. Well, for Spock anyway. And how horrible was this whole situation for him, anyway? Being bound to someone who had hurt you? Who would probably hurt you again? Uhura had been right. He would fuck this up; hell, he had fucked it up already. During their tentative friendship, Jim had very carefully tried to keep his more lascivious thoughts away from his First Officer. True, he hadn't had all that many, but occasionally the low light in his quarters would show his cheekbones just so, or he would say something in that prissy way he had that would crack Jim up, and he would think, 'if only'....
But Spock had Uhura, Spock wasn't into men, and he for damn sure wouldn't be unprofessional enough to take sport in a little off-hours fooling around with his captain.
Because everyone knew that Jim didn't do commitment.
And everyone knew that Spock didn't do casual.
So how must it be for Spock to know that he was tied to Jim…permanently? And, even more horrifying, to know that it was a mistake. A stupid mistake made with consequences that were so far-reaching that he'd be feeling them for the rest of his life.
Jim rubbed his forehead. Getting sick had given him a headache. Plus, he was exhausted. He got up from the bathroom and washed his face and hands, brushing his teeth and tossing the towel in the laundry.
He looked at the chronometer.
Maybe he had time to contact the older Spock? If there was any way to break this thing, it would be great to at least have some good news for his Spock when they met later.
There was a beep from his console as he thought of it, and he crossed to his chair and sat down, entering his personal code for his messages. A message from Uhura: 'Vulcans for Dummies'. Cute. He scanned through it, noticing with very little surprise that it was extremely well-organized and well-written. It wasn't very long, detailing the specifics of much of the history of Vulcan before Surak. There was some information that had been written by Amanda Grayson- mostly little anecdotes about Spock as a child, no different from what any mother would share. It was very clear how much she loved her son. He made a mental note to give Spock a copy of the transmissions.
Jim stared at that for several moments. He had tried to apologize to Spock when they were on their little jaunt in his mind, but really there was no way to take back the horrible things he had said. Jim swallowed hard, his dry throat making a little clicking sound, a phantom remembrance of Spock's hands around his throat. He read on.
There was some mention of Vulcan anatomy being fairly close to Human anatomy (Jim actually blushed when he remembered how close), but different enough that Spock had been the first of the hybrid created. There were a couple of mentions of sensitive areas: the hands and ears were apparently quite responsive, which explained why Spock had been appalled at him trying to reach out and grab his hand when in his quarters a few days ago.
There was an entire section on bonds, and bonding, but nothing that he didn't already know except that it was based on compatibility. Jim pursed his lips as he read the last part over again. The strength of a Vulcan's bond with his or her bondmate was almost completely dependent on how attuned the two were. Jim winced. In respects to the Enterprise, they were a well-oiled machine. They complimented each other's idiosyncrasies almost perfectly. Spock was there to keep Jim from flying off the handle as he settled into the rigors of command. Jim liked to think that he helped Spock learn how to accept some of his own humanity. They seemed pretty damn compatible.
He sighed, logged off and sent a quick thank-you to Uhura for taking the time to send him the information. Then he used the code Ambassador 'Salkek' had given him when he wanted to contact the Vulcan across space. It took a few minutes to connect through all the subspace frequencies, and Jim pressed his fingers to his temples to try to stave off the headache he felt pounding behind his temples.
"Jim. I trust that you are well."
Spock's rich voice filled the room, causing Jim to smile as he opened his eyes. "I wouldn't say 'well' exactly, old friend." Again, Jim couldn't explain why he felt so at ease with this man, when he was usually at such odds with his younger self.
Spock raised an eyebrow. "Were there complications from your time here on New Vulcan?"
Jim had the horrible urge to laugh outright. "You could say---"he trailed off as something occurred to him. It clicked into place with the certainty of the ship sliding into a spacedock. Spock was an expert on Vulcan minds and the bonds they shared with their bondmates. There was no way that he would have a made a mistake when breaking a bond. Spock had alluded to the fact that his counterpart did not make mistakes when it came to this particular subject.
Jim's eyes narrowed. "Why you sneaky son of a bitch."
Spock's lower lip twitched in a way that Jim took to understand that he found his statement hellaciously amusing. "I assure you that my mother was not a member of the canine family."
Jim leaned forward, eyes narrowing even further as he put it together. "You didn't break the bond! What, did you hide it somehow? That would explain that whole 'residual effect' thing. Spock thought it was broken when in fact you had just done some sort mind trick." His voice lowered as he stared at the viewscreen, not really seeing the man who was sitting there, the ghost of amusement still on his face.
"So why can't I feel him now? Why was I able to…" He squeezed his eyes shut as he once again remembered the wild look on Spock's face as Jim had looked up the length of his body before swallowing him back down. "Why would you do that?" The question came out in a whisper.
Spock's expression turned slightly smug. The slight emotional tells were never overt, but just imperceptible enough to suggest what Spock was actually feeling. Jim still found the differences between the two Spocks fascinating. He couldn't help but compare the two.
"The bond was there, formed by my counterpart at a time when you were… compromised. It would have been illogical to sever such a connection at a time when you both were in need of its comforts. Your timeline's Kodos' actions had scarred your psyche, Jim. My younger self acted quickly, and perhaps foolishly, but kept you from splintering apart. What is the logic in doing away with something that has the potential to bring both of you such joy?"
Jim wasn't sure what expression his own face was showing, but Spock frowned at him. "Explain what you mean by the fact that you 'can't feel him' now."
Jim jumped up, anger burning deep inside him. "What do you mean, explain? You manipulative old bastard, you should have just broken it when he asked you to! Now I've done… I …" Jim ran his fingers through his hair, frustrated. "I hurt him! Me. He was so disgusted by the thought of being with me that he actually… fucking dammit!"
Jim was leaning forward when he heard the other Spock's calm, "Please explain your statement. You should be able to feel your bondma—", and he cut off the connection with a particularly sharp punch of keys.
Oh fuck. This was so beyond fucked up.
He sat down again, holding his head in his hands. His headache was worse. It felt like he could feel the pounding in his back teeth. Jim was a little leery of going to see Bones before he had a chance to explain what happened. The headache was bad, sure but the feeling of him jamming hypospray right into his neck was much worse. Especially after the last thing Bones had had to say to him, he wasn't interested in any deep conversations with his best friend.
He went to the replicator and ordered himself a coffee. It appeared in a blue mug, and he held it gratefully, the heat seeping into his hands. Enough. He couldn't think about this anymore. He was still on leave for another day and a half, but that didn't mean that he couldn't start accomplishing some of the things he had left to do.
He quickly pulled up the file for Kevin Riley and found where he was staying on the planet.
"Hey, Jimmy!"
Jim had to smile. "Still up for that dinner?"
"Ooh, Captain. It sounds like you're asking our boy on a date, here." The sultry voice sent his eyebrows up to the top of his head. Kevin's face turned quite red.
"Erica?!"
The sound of smoky feminine laughter and she leaned into view of the small viewscreen. She was beautiful. Tall, with deep black hair and smiling hazel eyes. Her body had the willowy, supple grace of a dancer.
Kevin's grin was sheepish. "I told you we saw each other a lot. Um. I actually just… asked her to marry me."
Jim's eyes widened. "That's the best news I've heard all day!" It was. "How about this. Maybe you two can have a little honeymoon, courtesy of the USS Enterprise. The thing is, we need to talk. Even if it's only for a day or so, I'd like you two where I can see you."
"Jimmy, Starfleet was exceptionally vague about what has been going on. Can you tell us?" Kevin gasped. He darted a glance at his fiancé. The muffled giggle drew Jim's attention to the fact that he couldn't see Erica's hands. His lips twitched. The look on her face was the blandest of innocence, but the look in her eyes was positively wicked.
"Maybe that should wait until I can tell you in person."
"Ohhh, ah. I mean, yeah. Maybe." Kevin's voice was slightly hoarse. Jim had to bite his cheek.
"Look, I have your coordinates. I'll just have a security team beam down there and escort you back to the ship when you're ready. I don't want to lose track of you now that I've found you again. We had tried to reach Erica before your shuttle landed and hadn't had much luck." Jim realized that neither of them were listening to him. Ah. "So, have fun. And I'll see you in a couple hours."
Erica spared an impish look at the screen, then she disappeared out of view altogether. Jim had just a second to see Kevin's eyes practically bug out of his face, which was turning a very interesting shade of red, before he cut off the communication. Jim contacted security and sat back in his chair feeling slightly better about life in general. Those two had been so cute. The idea of Kodos getting his hands on either one of them filled him with a spurt of anger so strong it caused him to wince.
He sighed, looking over at his bed. He still had to meet with Spock and Karidian in a few hours. He had just enough time to take a nap. His body craved rest. Jim sipped his coffee, yawned and made his way over to his bed. It didn't take him long before he was out, the echo of Erica's giggles making him smile faintly into his pillow.
******
When the turbolift doors whooshed open on the nearly silent Bridge, Spock acknowledged his own feeling of relief. He had arranged for two humans of Jim's acquaintance to beam aboard the ship, and had spent a good bit of his time composing his own notes to Starfleet. He could testify that Kodos had kidnapped Jim for the second time, but had hesitated for sending the missive, unwilling to discuss what had happened after he had made the split-second decision to go to Jim instead of to Kodos.
He had found himself unable to cease thinking of Jim. Doing so brought forth some highly inappropriate reactions while sitting in the command chair, so Spock had spent a good portion of his shift seated at his science station, working diligently, glad that Nyota was not on duty to comment on the very tips of his ears being slightly green-tinged.
. When they had first beamed back to the ship, and Jim had been still covered in sweat and smelling of him, he had not liked the covetous glances the transporter tech had sent under her eyelashes. Spock like the dark spike of jealousy and possessiveness he felt with Jim. Neither of those emotions were particularly logical. He remembered very clearly a conversation with his mother when he was younger after he had been baffled by some of the things that he was feeling, and shamed that he was feeling them. She had taken him aside; her soft hands startlingly cool on his face, and had explained that feeling emotion was not a sign of weakness. Spock still felt guilty over his transgressions. That wasn't particularly admirable either.
While the Enterprise had orbited around Wrigley, he had had quite a few hours to think while working at his science station. He had seemingly made mistake after mistake with his human. It was quite disheartening to realize that he was fallible. It seemed like such a juvenile mistake to make; how did a Vulcan not realize that he was bonded? However, once he had the time to sit and think about it, there was a flood of knowledge that came to him on the subject. Given the absolute dearth of response from his older counterpart, it had been quite obvious what had occurred. He could recognize his own thought patterns and detect that the other version of himself had implanted knowledge on bonding as well as his hypothesis of what had occurred. Spock was saddened that even after proving himself over and over in his earlier studies on Vulcan; his elders had not valued his contributions enough to educate him on the most simple basic matter of bonding. His own father had shown him what to look for, and had explained the particulars, but had clearly assumed that he had been trained in the Vulcan manner.
Prejudice in any form was completely illogical. So was hypocrisy. He had been astounded to attribute either Human emotion to his Vulcan teachers.
Still, he had not known that he didn't have all the facts. It had never occurred to him that he would be able to bond with anyone. Certainly, it had not occurred with Nyota. When he thought about it, which wasn't too often, he had simply assumed that his humanity would keep him from that last bit of his Vulcan heritage. Truly, after hearing the accounts of all the severed bonds after his planet was destroyed, he had thought himself fortunate for his human half.
That his counterpart had acted against his own wishes was… well. In a way it was as though Spock himself had done it. His initial reaction had been anger that his other self would be so presumptuous. Spock had made it very clear that he wanted the bond broken. That, Jim wanted the bond broken. Only… Jim was the one that seemed to accept the 'residual' effects with no trouble, once he had gotten over his initial shock. It had been Spock who had stubbornly refused to see what was right there in front of him.
He saw Mr. Scott enter through the turbolift, and realized that his shift was up. The engineer was looking rather pale. He sat down gingerly at the command chair, nodding over at Spock. "Hello, Commander. You're relived."
Spock nodded back, and rose to walk across the bridge. It was quiet, the skeleton crew taking over for those who had served on Spock's shift looking hyper aware and ready to work.
Duty completed, he made his way to his quarters where he compiled the very brief command shift report, then stripped and stepped in the fresher. He had not had a chance to do so earlier, having dropped into meditation almost immediately after he returned to the ship. His fastidious nature had been appalled that he could still smell Jim's scent, but doing so calmed something primitive in his soul. That certainly hadn't helped him control his body's responses as he remembered various sensations from Jim and his physical encounters with him.
When he had intruded on Jim's shower he had been completely unprepared for the pure lust that had practically curled his toes at seeing his bondmate wrapped in only a towel, beads of water running slowly down his skin. He might have admitted to himself that Jim was one of the most aesthetically pleasing humans he had ever seen, but having all of that muscle and sinew within touching distance had had an effect on his resolution to stay away from Jim.
Spock had been quite distressed by his own reaction; equally wanting to step forward and pull Jim to him and run away from him again. He had been so ashamed at the memory of his behavior- against his bondmate!- that Spock had been floored by the knowledge that Jim thought that he was somehow in the wrong. He could clearly feel the slight sliver of anguish that the thought caused his bondmate, and had responded in the most cowardly way imaginable- by reinforcing his shields so that he wouldn't overwhelm him with another surge of pure want.
Spock quickly cleaned his body, preferring the sonics to getting wet. He had promised to meet with Jim after his shift, and he did not intend to be tardy. He had so much to try to explain, and to hopefully apologize for.
When he had finished, he crossed quickly to his closet and dressed in another uniform. He knew his hair was still slightly damp, but he did not want to be apart from Jim any more than he had to.
Which is why it was quite a surprise when the man didn't answer his door.
Spock's eyebrow twitched. He hit the chime again, and waited patiently. There was no response.
"Sir?"
Spock looked around, spotting a rather bubbly looking ensign clutching a PADD to her chest and looking at him eagerly, as though she desperately wanted to help him. "Yes, Ensign?"
"If you're looking for the Captain, he went into Lieutenant Uhura's quarters earlier. Perhaps he is still there."
Spock nodded, refusing to admit to himself that keeping his face impassive had taken an effort. The proclivities of such a closely knitted group of people included gossip, but he had never before been so unhappy to hear it. He waited until the corridor was clear before crossing to the wall console and calling up Jim's location. The computer showed him in his quarters. Spock wasn't sure if that knowledge made him feel better or worse.
He could not override the Captain's own quarters' entrance code without having to make several explanations, but he did have another way to enter without causing so many questions. Spock went back into his room, trying to not feel so desperately jealous. Jim had been forced into bonding. He was free to spend his time with whomever he wanted. He—Spock took a deep breath and told himself to cease acting so illogically. There were at least forty-three different, completely innocuous reasons that Jim would go to Nyota's quarters. He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and crossed into Jim's quarters via their shared bathroom.
The lights in the room were dim. Spock could clearly see Jim's huddled form on his bed, sprawled across the mattress on his stomach. Spock moved silently over the carpet, crossing to the bed. He debated for a moment before kneeling on the floor beside the sleeping man. He couldn't explain why he felt it necessary to look at Jim from such a close proximity, only that he wished to do so.
Jim's face was slack in sleep, and Spock found his lips twitch in a minute smile to see that there was a small line of saliva that had pooled on the sheet near his mouth. Jim made a small discontented sound in his sleep, and Spock reached out to touch his brow as a reflex, stroking the cool skin with two fingers, smoothing out the furrowed forehead. He caught vague impressions of dreams, but nothing tangible. The slight touch caused his own shields to shiver with awareness. Spock felt it inappropriate to remain shielded against his bondmate, but overwhelming the Human with Spock's confusion at this time would also cause more damage to their already frayed relationship.
Jim's eyes opened slowly, and the sleepy smile he gave Spock caused his breath to catch in his chest. Jim's expression changed abruptly and he almost recoiled from the edge of the bed.
Spock stood, shutting his eyes for a moment at his own inadequacies. "Jim. I am sorry to have awoken you. If you would like me to come back at a later time I will be happy to do so."
The mattress shifted and squeaked as Jim sat up. Spock tried not to blush at the inordinately intimate sound. He carefully took a step back, keeping his gaze carefully off of Jim so as not to infringe on any more of his privacy.
"No, of course not. I guess I slept longer than I had thought. Lights, standard." Spock blinked in the sudden light, watching as Jim winced and held his head.
"Are you unwell?"
"What?" Jim blinked at him a few times. Spock was quite aware that Jim did not often wake up immediately at his best, and crossed to the replicator to order their customary tea and coffee.
"Your head. You grabbed it and winced. Are you having an adverse reaction to your time on the planet?"
There was a cough and Spock saw Jim rubbing his hands briskly over his face. "No. I'm fine." Jim sat down in his customary chair and nodded his thanks at the steaming, sweet mug of coffee. "I wish I had a shot of bourbon to go with this. I have a feeling I'm going to need it." Jim's voice was raspy with sleep. Spock swallowed once, hard.
"I too believe this conversation might benefit from some… liquid courage."
His dry tone, combined with his use of the colloquialism, caused Jim to smile, which had been his intent. Spock sat down across from Jim, sipping his own tea.
"You said that you don't get drunk from alcohol. Is there anything that does make you little goofy?"
"I assure you, Jim, that Vulcans are never 'goofy'. But to answer your question, yes. There is something that affects me in a similar way."
Jim's blue gaze settled on Spock's, surprised, then amused. "Really?"
"Indeed. I have not experimented fully, but alcohol does have a slight effect on my physiology. It just takes larger quantities to get me… inebriated. There is a more efficient way." He found himself pleased at the rapt way Jim was staring at him. He lowered his voice, leaning in slightly. Jim mirrored his action without realizing it. "Chocolate."
Jim's bark of laugh was also pleasing. Spock found that he had missed it of late.
"You get buzzed on chocolate? Oh man, I would love to see that. I bet you're… ah." Jim stopped speaking, hastily adopting a more somber expression. "But you're not here to talk about that."
"On the contrary. We can discuss anything you wish to discuss."
Jim muttered something into his coffee. He set the mug down and moved his hands to his lap. Spock could hear it as Jim nervously slid his palms against the denim of his jeans. He had no explanation for his illogical response to the sound.
"Spock…" Jim trailed off. "I don't quite know how to say this, exactly, without embarrassing you. But… I need to."
Spock nodded, trying not to tense. Clearly his bondmate truly felt he needed to say what was on his mind, and Spock could not deny him. He owed him that much.
"I… I'm sorry. I know that isn't enough, and if I could change what I did to you I would." Spock opened his mouth, but Jim shook his head. "I need to get this out, okay? I know you weren't very experienced, and that you had never been intimate with a man before. If I could change... I mean if I could make that different…"
"You were not at fault."
"How can you say that? I wouldn't let you stop! I ordered you to…fuck!"
There was a beat of silence. "Technically, Jim you did not order me to 'fuck', just to stay still."
Jim's eyes grew huge. His mouth dropped open covered it quickly with both of his hands. It seemed as though he was momentarily incapable of speech- the sound that emerged was a cross between a particularly irate c'hik and the mating call of a haurok.
Spock sighed slightly he stood up, moving around the table. His hand a blur of motion, he reached out and grabbed Jim by the waist, bending and lifting him in an instant. There was a startled squeak of sound. Spock held him up for a moment, hardly even winded. "Jim. As you can see, I was more than capable of stopping your advances if I truly wished to." Jim's hands drifted from his mouth down to steady himself on Spock's biceps, looking down at him in shock. Spock lowered him slowly, keeping several inches between their bodies, not breaking eye contact. "I did not wish to." He let go of Jim and moved out of his space, watching him carefully to make sure Jim was not off balance. Indeed, he swayed in place for a moment as his balance was restored.
"Oh."
"Indeed. Our bond was not intended by either of us. Yet, I cannot disparage something that allowed me to find you both times you were taken against your will. If anything, I wish that I had not acted on my own desires. I find my own actions reprehensible in light of the fact that you could not truly stop yourself. I still do not know how much of what occurred was the drug that remained in your system and how much was the bond's instance at being consummated in some way."
Jim rubbed his head again, absently. He reached out and took a drink of coffee.
"As to my lack of experience, I will endeavor to do more for your enjoyment, should we ever elect to repeat the encounter."
There was a startled cough and choking sound. Spock heard a muttered, "Again? Really? …Never drinking again." and hid a smile. Shocking his human was such … fun sometimes.
"However, we do have several things that need our attention. I assume you've seen the Yeoman?"
"Ahhh. No." Jim had set down his coffee and walked a little away from the table, stripping off his coffee-stained shirt.
It was Spock's turn to look a little flustered as he observed the play of muscle on Jim's back. Jim rummaged in his closet and grabbed a full uniform, walking into their shared restroom to quickly change.
Spock found himself licking his lips. He shook his head, appalled at his behavior.
"I was kind of hoping that we could interview her, together. You know, maybe play good cop, bad cop?"
"Indeed." Spock thought the whisper of fabric against skin in the other room was inordinately loud once one calculated the distance. He gave his head a small shake. He was not acting appropriately. Jim emerged, pulling the gold shirt down over the black undertunic. Spock's gaze drifted over the clothes that Jim had dropped where he left them after changing. Jim followed his gaze and picked up the jeans, tossing them on the bed, and putting the stained shirt in his laundry basket. The look he gave Spock was quite easy to decipher.
"Shall we?"
"Um. Yeah. I guess."
Spock's eyebrow rose. "By the lack of enthusiasm in the inflection in your voice, I can only assume that you truly do not wish to speak to her."
"Yeah. But it's kind of my job."
"Indisputably. However, your reluctance is perfectly logical. I am sure that you are aware that two of your childhood friends are currently on the ship. If you would like to perhaps discourse with them- to 'catch up', I believe the correct term is—this would not be remiss. I confess I find great satisfaction in Karidian remaining in the brig, awaiting your decision."
Jim turned to look at him, smiling faintly. "Yeah. Her cooling her heels in there is nice. Now if we can only catch her dad."
Spock felt his features harden. "Indeed."
They took the two steps necessary to cross to the door to Jim's quarters, shoulders brushing just slightly. Spock's communicator beeped. "Dr. McCoy to Commander Spock."
"Yes, Doctor?"
"I need to see you for a few minutes if you could make the time." Spock saw Jim raise his eyebrows, from which Spock surmised that 'when you could make the time' truly meant 'now'. He raised an eyebrow at Jim, who shook his head, shrugging slightly.
"Yes, Doctor. I will be there presently."
"Fantastic. McCoy out."
"It's kind of nice to hear him take that tone with someone else." Jim smiled faintly. "How about this. You go find out what Bones wants, and I'll go find something to eat. Maybe some caffeine will get rid of this damn headache. I'll catch up with you in a half an hour."
Spock nodded, and the two parted ways.
Sickbay was eerily empty. Usually on a ship this size, there were all manner of medical issues that needed taken care of. Spock saw McCoy's head pop out of his office.
He did not trust the toothy, too-wide smile for an instant.
"Commander. So pleased you could make it. Please have a seat."
Spock did, warily.
The Doctor's smile turned, impossibly, even wider. Spock was reminded of a Vulcan ikh'kom right before it eviscerated its prey. He remembered with sudden clarity each grievance committed against Jim's person… and how much time and effort this Human had invested in that same person.
"When were you planning on telling me that you bonded with him, you green-blooded son of a bitch?"
Spock had always despised that particular colorful phrase.
"I do not see how that is any of your business." Spock managed to keep his own emotion out of his voice, but it took effort.
"None of my business?!" McCoy stood up and started pacing around the small office, hands gesturing wildly as he spoke. "It took four hours of surgery to repair what that animal did to him! We found fucking slivers of metal inside of him. Don't even get me started on rebuilding his wrists. It's not bad enough that the worst thing out of Jim's nightmares comes back and breaks him, but in the middle of all of this he has to deal with some sort of what? Mental rape?"
Spock went cold. Shock was the only thing that kept his hands from around the Human's throat.
"I didn't even put it all together until I analyzed the readouts on that fucking tricorder. The way his brain patterns changed. The way you two can't seem to help touching each other. Jim can't even stand the idea of me touching him anymore, did you know that? I'm his fucking doctor and it's my job, and every time I even get close to him he tenses like I'm about to hurt him. Hurt him!"
Spock was reminded of the mental image of the two of them, writhing together in the Academy dorm room. He gritted his teeth, trying not to hear the words practically crafted to eat away at his control.
"Perhaps then, the fault is with your medical practices."
McCoy whirled, fists clenched. He took a step towards Spock and then visibly seemed to restrain himself. He expelled the air in his chest with a burst of air. "Shit. Shit. This isn't how I wanted to do this." He brought his hands up to his temples in a way that reminded Spock starkly of Jim. "Okay. You're bonded. It's just… Jim doesn't have anyone but me. I get… oh goddamn. I'm sorry, Spock. Can you tell me exactly what that means? I need to… understand."
"A bond could never be anything like a rape. To telepathically share that anguish would be…" Spock broke off, horrified by the prospect of even the idea that someone would force that kind of connection on another being. That McCoy could think him capable of forcing Jim.
McCoy winced. "That was a poor choice of words."
Perhaps the understatement of the century.
"But, I would appreciate. . ." McCoy stopped. He crossed back to his desk and sat down. McCoy licked his lips and then forced himself to make eye contact with him. Spock could clearly see that he felt remorse for his angry words.
He didn't particularly care.
"Spock. I need to understand this. I know I am probably the last person you want to discuss this with at this point. Let me give you some of the facts. Jim's brain is human. What records I could get my hands on were completely null for anything worth reading on the subject, because your parents are the only test subjects. Even someone of your physiological makeup, bonding with a full human could have different effects, but frankly that's the best I could come up with. I didn't think you'd appreciate me mucking about, trying to get Ambassador Serek's information, so I was hoping that you could enlighten me."
Spock knew his eyebrow rose at the mention of Serek. He would like to see this Human try to get private information from his father.
"Most humans are psi-null. There's an occasional aberration floating out there. Hell, my Gran had a damn uncanny knack for knowin' when I was stealing her hootch. Whether that was just honed intuition or some latent psychic ability I don't know. But Jim… has always been slightly abnormal in that way. Well, you probably know his mind better than I could explain it."
Spock gave a terse nod.
"This information is my best guess based on just how Jim has changed in the past two weeks. And on your last physical, of course. It isn't hurting him…. I don't think. I'd have to get him in here to be sure. But that much telepathic activity slammed into a brain that wasn't designed for it…"
Spock was loathe to discuss his bondmate with this particular man. He and Dr. McCoy had never been friends. He did not see that ever happening at this juncture. Yet, his medical acuity was beyond reproach. If there was even the slightest possibility… Spock's lips twisted in a tiny frown.
"So, how is this going to affect his command? How will it affect yours? Is it just a…"
"Security to Commander Spock It's the Captain! Come to the brig containment immediately!"
Spock was jumping up almost before the message had finished. He dimly heard the doctor acknowledging the message as he ran out of the door and out of Sickbay. He didn't have time for the startled crew members who were trying to get out of his way, gaping at the sight of a Vulcan sprinting down the corridor to the turbolift. He heard McCoy cursing behind him, but keeping up with his pace. They didn't speak except for the clipped sound of Spock giving the deck number for the brig.
The Enterprise had not had much of a chance to use the facilities in the year that it had been commissioned. To date, there had been two crew members sent there to sleep off particularly inappropriate bouts of inebriation, but nothing dire had come up since Karidian was sent there to await the Captain. Was it possible that the containment shield had somehow malfunctioned? How could this concern the captain? Why was Jim even there …without him?
The lift doors opened, and Spock and McCoy were running again almost before they slid all the way open. Spock had dropped his shields… and almost stumbled when he realized that he could not feel Jim. Where Jim should be was… a complete blank.
When the doors to the brig opened, they were met with a scene of utter chaos. There was no logic to what he saw, and it took him a moment to actually process the images in his head. Two humans sat in the corner, clutching each other. One male, one female. The female was crying silently, large dark eyes streaming with tears. She alternated between looking terrified at her companion's raw, oozing burn wounds and looking at the scene behind the containment field. One crewman in security reds was clearly dead. His body lay slumped against the controls of the station, most of his body burnt away. The smell of cooked flesh was cloying in the small room. Spock could feel his stomach roll.
The scene inside the containment field was the most bizarre. Jim knelt in the center of the small room, situated so that he could see out of the cell. His eyes were enormous in his pale face, hands trembling on his thighs. Spock couldn't tell if his bondmate was really seeing him or not.
Kodos stood behind him, pointing a phaser at his head. Karidian sat on the bunk, swinging her legs back and forth like a child, grinning up at her father; a child besotted.
McCoy cursed and went to the injured human. Spock hadn't even noticed that he had his medical case with him. He roughly pushed the woman out of the way, working on the younger man with single-minded intensity.
Spock did not understand how he could have completely dropped his shields and still could not feel Jim, separated from him by a mere thirteen feet of space. Kodos' empty hand trailed over Jim's hair, sifting through it gently, tangling in the short strands and yanking sharply, baring Jim's throat. Jim gasped Spock's name, the sound strangely loud in the quiet tableau.
Spock turned towards the console, noting without surprise that it had taken a phaser blast to the main motherboard, melting wires and components together.
"You will not get to us that way." Kodos' voice held amusement, as though Spock were a particularly precocious child who had just done something pleasing. "I don't believe we have been properly introduced. I have seen you of course. And my darling daughter described you in full detail." He twisted a little, bending slightly to kiss his daughter on the lips, pulling Jim's head to an uncomfortable angle. His fingers scraped lovingly over the faint bruises there. Kodos took a step closer to Jim, tugging him by the hair until he stood.
"What is it that you want?" Spock's voice was tight with fury. The very fact that he was there was completely illogical, yet indisputable.
"Want? Well, isn't that obvious?" Kodos chuckled, turning Jim's face and kissing him on the lips, as sweetly and chastely as he had just kissed his daughter. Jim, in the process of standing up, flinched and recoiled so hard that he would have fallen over had Kodos not had such a strong grip on his hair.
Spock felt a shiver of their bond. Had he been alone, he would have succumbed to the very human gesture of slapping himself in the forehead. The reason he couldn't feel Jim was that his human had somehow managed to raise his own shields against his bondmate. There was no time to feel anguish or remorse that Jim would have felt it necessary to do such a thing to protect himself.
He heard McCoy ordering something behind him, and was dimly aware of others taking the hurt boy and the dead body out of the small space. "Computer, this is Commander Spock, First Officer of the Enterprise, S 179-276 SP. I hereby relieve Captain James T. Kirk of command duty and take control of this vessel."
There was a dry chuckle from the brig.
Spock was completely astounded to hear Jim speak, voice reedy and on the verge of panic. "Spock. Don't open this cell. Plea—" A hand came down over Jim's mouth muffling the rest of his pleas.
His hand hovered on the override. "Commander Spock to Lieutenant Scott. Report to the brig immediately."
"Aye, sir."
"Wise decision." Kodos tossed the phaser to his daughter, and leaned in to kiss Jim again, turning him so that Spock could see the possessive hand on his back, performing.
Spock could hear his teeth grinding together as though the sound came to him from some long tunnel. He took a step forward.
"Hmmm. I don't think your Vulcan likes that much."
"Don't hurt him. Them. You promised." Jim winced as Kodos leaned in to bite his jaw line, under Jim's ear.
"So I did." Kodos leaned in again. He looked over to his daughter who was watching the two of them entranced. "Darling, if he doesn't respond to my advances, please shoot his friend there."
Spock felt their bond shiver again. He silently urged Jim to break his shields, knowing it was futile. So far Kodos just seemed intent on his performance. Jim was not hurt. Physically.
Spock did not understand why Jim did not try to fight either of his captors. Logically, he knew that Jim would be frightened by their presence, but his order to not open the cell had been panicked, worried. Clearly there were other things going on here of which he was not aware.
Kodos pulled Jim's hair back, twisting his hand sharply. Jim cried out, the sound causing Kodos' breathing to quicken. Spock growled, low in his throat, watching as Jim bit his lip, then submitted to Kodos' mouth on him, body tense, each muscle quivering as he suppressed his instinct to flee. When he tentatively kissed Kodos back, Spock felt their connection give a lurch, as though Jim's shields had cracked.
"Sir?" Mr. Scott's voice was shocked, glance flicking to the scene in the brig quickly before keeping his gaze professionally on his superior officer.
"See what you can do to undo the damage here. I want in that containment cell."
"Aye." Then muttered, "Aw bugger I dinae ken…" before Scott turned to the mess of a console and begin assessing the repairs.
"How long until you can break in?"
"Twenty minutes, sir. Fifteen, perhaps. Some of the wiring will have to be bypassed." Scott already sounded distracted by the puzzle.
Spock's attention was drawn to the way Kodos was rubbing against his bondmate. He took another step forward, feeling the energy from the containment field buzzing along his body, although he did keep a scant inch of space between his skin and the raw energy.
"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Jimmy, my dear one. Perhaps you should tell your… friend… why that would be a bad idea."
Jim's voice was like some broken, wingless thing when he finally spoke. "That disease. He has… something. In here with us. He will use it when someone breaks in. It's stronger than the other one, more concentrated."
Spock's eyes widened. If the microbial disease were released in such a small space, in such a pure form, it would ravage Jim, Kodos and Karidian, not to mention anyone else who was in the area before they had a chance to contain it. It would reign freely through the ship. He heard a gasp behind him, and McCoy's muttered curse before the doctor disappeared.
"Very good, my love."
Spock noticed Karidian stiffen sharply on her bunk, gripping the phaser with white knuckles.
"Yeoman Karidian. Your actions to this point would seem to indicate that you have some affection for the Captain. I find myself surprised that you would allow this behavior. It is clear that he does not wish to be with your father."
Karidian's eyes flicked to him, then back to her father and Jim when the later made a small pained sound. Kodos was cupping Jim's hips, fingers digging into the bones and flesh, marking him.
"Computer. Isolate the ventilation system to bypass the brig and surrounding area for at least fifty feet in all directions." Spock thought quickly. "Commander Spock to commanding bridge officer."
Chekov's voice was shaky when he responded. "Ensign Chekov, sir."
"Ensign, start an immediate ship-wide evacuation of non-duty personnel."
His voice sounded very young when he responded, "Yes sir."
"Spock out. Mr. Scott, how long?"
"Unknown, sir."
The doors swished open, a winded McCoy stepping in the room, dressed in a containment suit. He threw one to Spock and one to Scott. Spock dressed himself quickly, pacing back and forth in front of the containment field.
Kodos looked perturbed for the first time. "It is of no matter. They will not save you in time. How fitting that we shall die together? They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love."
Spock barely had time to flinch before Karidian was firing the phaser. Jim dove away from both of them, turning and landing hard on his shoulder. Spock could clearly hear the crack as it slammed onto the hard floor.
"He said he would love me best." Karidian looked down at her father, whose face was frozen forever in the gentle expression of adoration he wore as he had stared down at Jim. Her voice sounded like a little girl's, uncomprehending of the evil in the world. She did not seem to notice the phaser until it smoked in her hand, clearly malfunctioning. She whirled and threw it at the containment field, which buzzed sharply and smoked as it was destroyed. "ME! He said it was me!" Furious she advanced on Jim, who held up a hand as though to ward her off, trying to scramble back out of her reach. He stopped just shy of the containment field. Spock, whose hand was now gloved and protected against the disease, could have touched him by mere inches. Karidian whirled, screaming once, sharply, pulling at her own hair in her grief.
"Ten minutes, sir. Less." Scott whispered under his mask.
Karidian fell to her knees besides her father, bending over and kissing his cheeks, closing his eyes and kissing the eyelids. She bent to his mouth last, tongue flicking gently against him. She looked up at Jim who was watching, seemingly unable to process everything that he was seeing. His own breathing was heavy, body starting to curl in on itself as another panic attack took over his rational thought. Karidian giggled and licked at her lips. Her hand was on her father's chest, rooting in the pocket.
"He tastes of you." She whispered, grinning manically. She moved her hand quickly, holding up a small vial of black liquid that glinted in the lights of the cell.
"Good bye, Captain." She whispered, uncorking the vial and drinking it in one swallow.
"Jim!" Spock couldn't help the sound as it ripped from his throat.
Jim flipped so that he was as far from Karidian as possible. "No…" he whispered it, as though reality had crashed down on him. "Nonono… no!"
He turned frantically locking eyes with Spock. Karidian made a horrible choking sound. Her body spasmed twice, blood fairly spraying from her mouth and ears. She closed her eyes, opening them once as a cough shook her body. They were red with blood. She fell down on the floor, still writhing in pain, black patches already starting to form at her lymph nodes. She curled up by her father, reaching down to clasp his hand.
Spock felt his world tilt as Jim's shields came down. He was bombarded by his bondmate's fear/rage/terror/regret.
"Spock…" Jim hauled himself up to his knees, trying to breathe shallowly. He held up his hand, hovering right over the containment field, his shattered shoulder rendering his other arm useless.
Spock dropped to his knees, mirroring Jim's position.
"Goddamnit get us in there!" McCoy fairly screamed at Scott, who was working furiously. Spock's own mind was caught in an endless loop of denial, staring only at his bondmate's eyes. Jim started to cough, eyes streaming tears, faintly pink tinged.
'Spock. I'm… sorry. But you saved the ship'.
'Do not be ridiculous. You must save your strength. Focus on breathing shallowly.'
A faint feeling of rueful laughter. 'I just realized something.'
Spock could hear McCoy besides him, readying medical instruments, waiting for the field to come down so he could try to save his friend.
'Tell Bones I'm sorry'.
"You will cease talking like that." 'You must …'
Jim coughed again, wheezing, turning his face into his bicep as though to smother the cough. Spock's heart gave a funny flutter when he saw the red blood; too much frail, human blood staining his bondmate's uniform. Small flaky patches began to form on his neck, looking like large bruises.
'Tell him, he's my best friend. And you. You're… I… I love you, Spock. God my timing is pathetic. If I were anyone else I would laugh at myself.'
Spock heard a sound, a moan of despair, not realizing it was coming from his own throat. Jim's coughs continued, one after another as his lungs began to shut down. He fell against the containment field, uncaring of his singed flesh, helpless in the throes of his body's spasms.
There was a shout, and a muffled electronical whine as the containment field shut down. Spock sprung forward, seizing Jim as he fell into his arms. Jim was clearly trying to hold his breath, reaching up to touch Spock's mask.
"Love…"
Spock was numb as McCoy shoved him aside, falling on Jim like the proverbial bird of prey, working frantically.