Step Nine

Gillian, plain old Gillian, was in sweats on the floor, practically convulsing with sobs. Every few minutes, she found the courage to take a glance at the television and watch the footage of the crash just one more time, but then she would tear her eyes away and sob some more.

The other side of the bed had been empty when she had woken up that morning, and she'd felt relieved. Normally, when he had early meetings, he would wake her up to kiss her on his way out the door. After the fight the night before, he must not have been in the mood.

She found herself waking up a full fifteen minutes before her alarm went off, which seemed to be the perfect end to a fitful night of sleep. The television was supposed to pass her extra time and help ease her mind, but the images that appeared when she pressed the power button were more horrifying than any nightmare she'd ever had. She had scrambled to the calendar she'd looked at with so much contempt the night before and saw the words she feared most in Alec's own handwriting: his early meeting was at the Pentagon.

The Pentagon had just been attacked by terrorists.

She had tried to call someone, anyone to find out if her husband was still alive, but she couldn't get through. So she waited. She sat on the floor, watched the news, and waited in perfect agony.

What was the last thing she had said to him? She closed her eyes to recall the words that had passed through her lips, then they came to her: I want to be a mom, more than anything in this world. I'm not going to let your insecurities take that away from me.

No, what she wanted more than anything in the world was to see Alec's face again. He could be dying, or dismembered, or worse, and the last time they'd talked, she had threatened to leave him. How could she have said that? How could she have even thought it? She knew now that she had completely overreacted, and she had done it after he had been so good to her. The guilt was eating away at her stomach worse than an ulcer.

The news said that out of the eighteen thousand people who had been working in the Pentagon that day, most had been evacuated within the first half hour. What they didn't say was who had been rescued. And what if there was going to be another attack? There was no way of knowing if he was alive or dead. So, the tears came back, and they didn't stop. She cried for so long that she wasn't sure how much time had passed before her eyes grew to heavy and she was too weak to stay awake.

She was awoken by the shrill ring of the phone, and it only took her a second to recollect her senses. As she scrambled for the receiver, a quick look at the TV told her that the world was still upside down.

She put the receiver to her ear not knowing if she was about to hear good news or bad.

She swallowed.

"Hello?"

"Gillian?"

Oh, she knew that voice.

"A-Alec?"

"Yeah, Honey, it's me. Are you alright?"

The fear that had grown like a cancer inside of her was dissipating with every syllable he uttered.

"Oh God, Alec, you have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. I'm so, so sorry. All those things I said. I'm so sorry."

"Gill, don't worry about it. I love you."

"I love you too, Alec. I've been worried sick all day."

"Listen, I'm fine, but it's going to be a while before I can get home. I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?"

"Okay. When?"

"I don't know. It's crazy over here, and I've still got to go back to the office and help with damage control. It might not be 'till late."

"Okay, I'm just glad that you're still alive."

"Gill, you don't know how much I want to hold you right now. Do you think you can wait up for me?"

"Of course."

"Okay, well they say I've got to go, Gill. I'll be home as soon as I can, okay? I love you."

"I love you too, Alec. So much."

She put down the receiver in something of a daze. What a roller coaster today had been, and it wasn't over yet. There was still so much waiting to do, and she felt so drained that she found herself staring at the TV and switching from channel to channel, trying to find something that wasn't about death and destruction.

She ended up watching, of all things, Dora the Explorer. It gave her a second heartache, but for some reason she couldn't turn it off. Like she was punishing herself for wanting to bring a child into the world.

When another phone call came, she was happy to be distracted from her gruesome thoughts. Maybe Alec managed to get home earlier than she expected.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Dr. Foster? This is Dr. Cal Lightman, we met last month. I work with your husband?"

She knew that no one was around to see, but she nodded anyway.

"Yes, we spoke at the banquet. What can I do for you, Dr. Lightman?"

"The White House wants me to put together a team to investigate the . . . to look into what happened today. I've been asking around, and I hear that you might be qualified."

"Might be qualified?" If she hadn't spent all day wondering if her husband was alive, and if the man on the other end of the phone hadn't used such a condescending tone, she probably would have let it go. As it was, she didn't really care about being polite.

"Dr. Foster, the science behind the work I do is . . ."

"I'm familiar with the science. I've read all of your papers, and I happen to be one of the best psychologists the FBI has to offer."

"Look, if you don't want the job, I'll just call somebody else. I wanted you because you're the only shrink I've met who doesn't think they're some kind of god, but if I've misjudged you . . ."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course I'll help you."

"Right, then. I'd ask you to come in right away, but seeing as there's been a national emergency, I'll have to settle for tomorrow. Until then, Dr. Foster."

She gave another eye roll as she hung up and went into the shower. She couldn't help but feel sorry for . . . what was his wife's name? Zoe? Alec was ten times the man that Lightman jerk was.

It was hours later when Alec creaked the door open to find his wife sitting cross-legged on the bed, holding a scientific journal in one hand and a bowl of pudding in the other. She dropped them both when she saw him.

At first, there were no words, just a crushing embrace made damp by the few tears she had left. He dropped the brown paper bag in his hands and returned the gesture, adding kisses along her neck. She breathed in his ashy scent and held him tighter.

"I almost lost you."

"But you didn't."

"I almost lost you, and after yesterday, and this morning . . ." She pulled away so she could look into his eyes and wipe the dirt from his five o'clock shadow. "I wasn't being fair to you."

He smiled and kissed her again before picking up his bag and leading her to the table. He sat across from her and put the bag in her hands.

"What's this?"

"I got it on the way home. It's for you."

She sent him a quizzical look before she reached inside and felt a large, round object with a lid. She took it out and studied the container for almost a minute before looking up at him.

"Pre-natal vitamins?"

First he smiled, then he looked down at his lap.

"I guess you could say that I had something of a change of heart."

She dropped the bottle and kissed him as hard as she could.

Step Ten

Seven years.

It took seven full years for the Fosters to get where they were now, sitting on the curb in a dazed silence. After two promotions, a new apartment, two cars, and a blossoming private firm, Mr. and Mrs. Foster sat on the pavement in their work clothes, frozen in place. Her mind was numb, but she was running through the steps she'd taken that had led her to where she was.

First, they bought those books. They had littered their small apartment with manuals on everything from how to conceive to how to change a diaper. Those were the best days, before they'd done the tests, before they found out that she lacked something every other woman had. When the doctor had come into the office with a face that looked like death, Alec had grabbed her hand and put his arm around her. When she locked herself in the bathroom and cried loud enough that the neighbors started banging on the walls, he had rapped quietly on the door and softly begged her to come out. The fear she saw in his eyes, the kind she'd only just learned how to recognize, sent her right back.

The years after that were more than she wanted to remember, but if she was honest with herself, it wasn't all bad. True, the added income from Alec's first promotion had been mostly wasted on the parade of hormone treatments and fertility supplements, but they had managed to save up enough to move into a new apartment. And, whenever she needed to escape her failure at getting pregnant, there was always more work to do. On the really bad days, she would go so far as to help Lightman on another case. Soon, she was at the point where she'd helped him so many times that she didn't mind being around him as much, as he turned out to be rough and prickly only on the outside. It was just getting home every night to face Alec, or worse, facing another pregnancy test, that was so hard. She had spent her whole life taking tests, why couldn't she pass this one? Or the next one? Or any of them? It was like her heart had a small tear, and each time she waited for the blue bars to appear on that stick, she could feel that tear widening, inch by inch. Soon, it would rip open, and there would be nothing left of her. She would be even more broken than she already was.

By the time Alec got promoted again, they'd already tried everything. Homeopathic remedies, in vitro—they'd even considered getting a surrogate. It was an exhausting process for the both of them, and sometimes it wasn't clear which of the Fosters was suffering the most. Alec wasn't only dealing with his loss; he also had to deal with hers, and he wasn't licensed for that. In the end, he was the one who cupped her cheek and told her that they should start saving money for a piece of Lightman's new firm instead of a nursery. She had been offered the position of equity partner, and the more she thought about it, the more she thought that maybe if she caught liars instead of trying to heal them, the tear in her heart would start to close. If she was the mother of a company, maybe it would be something close to enough.

At getting pregnant, she was an absolute failure, but at being part of The Lightman Group—that was where Dr. Foster could shine. She found that her reputation (with a little help from Alec's political influence) landed the firm a lot of clients, and after years of scrimping and saving with her husband, handling the fiscal decisions of a business was second nature. Maybe the Fosters couldn't raise a child, but together, Drs. Foster and Lightman managed to raise their business into quite a success. She discovered that Lightman was perhaps the best business partner she could ever have, and an even better friend. He would take charge in some areas, she would handle others, and at the end of the day, they were helping people. And they were very good at it.

Suddenly, Gillian Foster realized that out of everything she had ever wanted, there was only one thing she was missing. One thing among thousands. After a year in business with Cal, they were breaking even. After two, she was making more money than she had ever earned before. It wasn't easy, and she was spending more hours in the office than she ever thought she would, but it was enough to buy her the lifestyle that her clothes had pretended to have. It felt good to only have one life to live, even if the price was that she had less time to spend with her husband. If the rest of her life was going so well, did she really need a child? In between spoonfuls of pudding, she would tell herself she didn't.

She would have been fine if Cal was either a horrible father or a good husband. Once Cal's marriage started falling apart, and his fights with Zoe found their way into the office, a curly-haired stranger would squeak open the door and wordlessly ask for shelter from the storm. When Emily Lightman was in her lap, sometimes crying, other times quiet, Dr. Foster was Gillian again, and Gillian would crave the feeling of holding a child as she sat alone in a dark office. It was after Zoe left Cal for good and Emily became a more permanent resident that Gillian realized that if she didn't try something, she would never be able to forgive herself.

"How was work, Honey?" Alec said one day, kissing her on the forehead as he put his briefcase down. He had a bag of Chinese food in the other hand, and had turned his back to her to set in on the kitchen table when she said:

"I found us a baby."

"Excuse me?"

She had seen that look on so many faces, but she'd only seen it on Alec's face the first time she'd kissed him. It was shock—the kind that was too potent to come with any other emotion at onset. It was what happened after the shock wore off that would tell her what she needed to know.

"It's the case Cal and I have been working on. We've been looking into the governor of Delaware, to determine if he's been embezzling state money."

Alec nodded. "You told me."

"Well, today we found out that he's not only guilty, but he's been using the money he stole to support a mistress. Alec, she's carrying his child."

"I still don't understand."

She got closer to him, one step at a time, until she could smell his fading aftershave.

"With the money now cut off, the mistress—her name is Willow—doesn't want the baby anymore. She was planning on having an abortion and finding another John. I convinced her to keep the child."

She had her hands on his upper arms now, so excited that she could barely contain herself. She could see that Alec was trying his very best to keep calm.

"And you want us . . . to adopt him?"

"Her," she corrected, "the baby's a girl. I wanted to talk to you about it first, but if you want to, we could have a child in two months."

"Two months? From now?"

"What do you think?"

"I think that I have to sit down."

It took all of her patience to watch him sit stoically on the couch, rubbing his forehead and mumbling to himself. Occasionally, he would look up at her to ask a question, and she was happy to show him that she'd already done her research. It took him an hour to say yes. It took Willow sixty-seven days to give birth to their new daughter.

It took Willow only fifty-seven days to take their daughter back.

And there they were, Mr. and Mrs. Foster, sitting heartbroken on the curb, watching their only daughter drive away. After seven years of trying to have a child, they'd managed to hold on to one for fifty-seven days.

It was dusk when she decided she was too cold to stay there any longer, but when she stood up, Alec didn't want to come with her. With her heart broken twice, she walked away in a stupor, seeking something warm, finding nothing that could keep the cold out.

It wasn't until she awoke the next morning, still shivering, that she realized that his side of the bed hadn't been slept in. Rubbing her eyes, she left the bedroom to see if he had crashed on the couch, and when she blinked at the light pouring in from the windows, there he was. Dead asleep, exactly where she expected him to be.

He had a small packet of cocaine in his hand.