Step Eleven

"Gill, I'm using again."

"I know."

The first time she saw it, she had hoped it was a one-time occurrence. She had told herself that after what Alec had gone through, it was natural for him to have a moment of weakness.

But she kept watching.

Every time he came home with that nervous look about him, she knew. She pulled him in close, put her hands on his chest, and felt his speeding heart rate. She looked lovingly into his eyes and saw that they were bloodshot. Then, when she leaned in and saw the trace of a bloody nose, she kissed him as hard and as passionately as she could, as if to beg him to use her as an escape instead. And instead of calling him out on it right then and there, she had waited for him to come clean on his own terms. She noted the date on the calendar—it had been fifty-seven days. Fifty-seven days of lying and hiding. Fifty-seven days into his new double life.

"So, what do we do now?"

She gave him a good, hard look, noticing every feature in his face, analyzing his expression like she would a suspect. She saw it all—the shame, the regret. But it was the pain that pierced her heart and made it bleed for him. That pain was all too familiar.

"Do you want to be clean again?"

"Yes, of course."

She knew he meant it.

"Then we work through this together. You and me."

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the forehead.

"I don't deserve you, you know."

"We all have problems, Honey. Marriage is about fixing them together."

"You should put that on a refrigerator magnet."

She kissed him back.

"Quiet, you."

She had always imagined that this day could come. Her Ph.D. told her from the beginning that no matter what he did, he had been a cocaine addict, once. There would always be a part of him that craved cocaine, no matter how much she wanted to believe that he was cured. Time and time again, as Alec would kiss her on the way out to his NA meetings, she would think about what she would do if her husband gave into his demons. But for eleven years, he hadn't. What was eleven years compared to fifty-seven days?

And after all, wasn't this just a coping mechanism? Wasn't Alec's drug use just his method of handling complex emotions? Well, complex emotions were her wheelhouse. If anyone could help him, she could. And maybe the pain that was bubbling and festering inside of her would finally find a release. Maybe overcoming this shared hardship would help close the distance that had been growing between them ever since her business had started taking off.

It was just possible that Alec's drug use was exactly the thing their marriage needed.

When he kissed her one more time and headed towards the bedroom, she waited until he closed the door before she reached into his briefcase, pulled out his phone, and called his sponsor.

***

Alec was shocked when his wife burst through the front door and slapped her purse on the table.

"What's wrong?"

"I know what you're doing."

When they locked eyes, she gave him a look that could melt steel. He broke eye contact and stared at his shoes.

She almost slapped him right there. Instead, she lowered her voice to a firm, biting growl. "I hired a new employee a few days ago, Alec. You met her the other day, remember? When I helped you lie to her?"

"Y-yeah, I remember. Ria, right?"

"She was screening bags at the airport when we found her, so she needed some help picking out a professional wardrobe. Do you know what happened to me when I tried to check out?"

"Gill . . ."

"There's no money in our account, Alec. We're missing somewhere around thirty thousand dollars. Now, I have enough to do with the books at the office to know when the numbers don't add up. Someone withdrew that money, and I know that I'm not the one who took it."

"Gill, it's not what you think."

The rage boiling inside of her was new and frightening. Her fists were clenched so tightly that she could feel the fingernails digging into her skin.

"What I think, Alec, is that you've been stealing money from our account so that you can buy coke. Are you going to tell me that that's not the case?"

He lowered his head again. "It was the last time, Honey. I swear."

"Well, it had better be the last time, considering that we don't have any money left for you to steal." She flared her nostrils and let out a hot breath. "I'm calling the bank tomorrow and taking your name off of the account. Until you're clean again, all the money you get your hands on is going through me first."

"What? You can't do that!"

"No, what I can't do is come home and babysit you after I spend all day cleaning up after Cal. Even he wouldn't do something like this to me. You promised that this was never going to happen."

"I swear, it's over. I'm never going to touch the stuff again."

He looked so sad with his head hanging down. No, it was pathetic. In just a few months, he had changed from the strong, confidant man she loved into something weak and frail. She would pity him if she didn't feel so betrayed.

"If I could count the times you've said that to me . . ."

"I mean it, Gill. I'll prove it: look at my face. Can't you see that I'm telling the truth?"

A breath in and out and the pity was there. She tried to push it out and keep her anger in, but it was no use. This time, he really was sincere. She could hear it in his voice. She closed her eyes, pinched the bridge of her nose, and tried to remind herself that she loved him.

"Look, I know that I said we'd work through this together, but you crossed a line. You'd better not ever use again, Alec. Because if you don't keep your promises, I swear to you, I'll keep mine."

***

She sat down in the booth and tried not to cry when she saw him.

"So, who was it?"

"Huh?"

Alec cocked his head in an attempt to appear inquisitive, but he couldn't overshadow the disappointment on his face.

"At the wedding today," he said, playing with his fork, "Who was trying to shoot the ambassador?"

"Oh, that." She couldn't even bear to look him in the eye. "It wasn't about the ambassador, after all. The bride had an ex-husband who couldn't let go."

"Ah."

She knew that tone.

"Alec, I'm so sorry."

"You stopped me from going to an NA meeting, and it wasn't even a political threat?"

Alec had never been the kind of man who got angry, in fact, the hard truth was that while she had raised her voice on occasion, he never had. As he sat across from her, his words were slow and full of a mix of pain and bitterness that made his wife feel like a traitor. The moment he said that he had a meeting in Restin, she had understood the code. He had given her a clear choice: break the rules, or keep him from getting help. Maybe she was a traitor after all.

"Yeah, I guess I did. If I could have figured it out earlier . . ."

"You know, Lightman knew I wasn't going to a work meeting? He called me out on it. To my face."

"He does that everyone, Honey. Even to me."

"He should hold back a little, for the husband of his business partner."

"I think he does."

The silence that he poured over the table was so piercing that the ambiance of the restaurant seemed to still. Mrs. Foster made herself busy picking lint off of her black dress.

"How long have you been clean, Alec?" The question came out like a shot, but hung in the air as if frozen in time. She wasn't sure whether to be proud or regret it.

"Since you found out about the bank account, why?" He tightened his lips. "Oh, don't read me at a time like this. Please."

"Sorry, I just had to know. If you took a hit because I kept you at the wedding . . . I'm so sorry, Alec."

Now, the silence was unbearable. He took her hand and lifted her chin so she could see the honesty in his eyes.

"I'm clean, Gill. I swear I am. And if I wasn't, it wouldn't be your fault." He leaned into his chair and let out a breath. "You know . . . you were right. I shouldn't have asked you to let me go, it's just . . . the cravings were so strong. I was shaking."

She sipped her wine. "I know. I wanted so much to help you. It killed me to see you suffer like that."

She reached out for his hand, but he pulled away.

"But your job came first. I get it."

"Alec . . ."

"No, Gill. It's okay. The work you do is important, and my demons shouldn't stop you from finding the bad guy."

She put down her wine glass hard enough to create a red spill on the tablecloth.

"Okay, now you're playing the martyr. Look, I'm sorry that I kept you from your support group, but that doesn't mean you can attack my work. I caught a criminal, Alec. He was a sick man, and thanks to Cal and me, he's not going to hurt anybody else."

"Fine, I take it back. You're perfect, Gillian. You always were. Heaven knows you're way too good for an addict like me."

"Alec . . ."

"Gill, I know that your work is important. I mean that. But sometimes I wonder if it's more important to you than I am."

"Well, I have never wondered about it," she lied. "I got stuck between a rock and a hard place, that's all. It doesn't mean that I've stopped loving you."

Alec poured the last drops of wine into his mouth and let the flavor soak on his tongue as he thought. She saw every step of the silent journey he was making: self-pity, disgust, anger, guilt, and finally, shame and compassion.

"You know, you've forgiven me so many times, I'd be stupid if I didn't let this go. After all, you did the right thing, and I'm serious this time. It was my fault."

She gave a pained smile.

"Thanks, Honey."

***

She closed her eyes and stood outside the door for a moment, savoring the quiet solitude before taking a breath and opening the door.

"Hey, Gill."

If this was a year ago, she wouldn't have thought anything of what she saw when she entered the apartment. Last year, it would have been just like every other day. But it had been months since she'd come home to find him reading on the couch, with his tie loosened and his feet on the coffee table. It was like stepping back in time.

If she didn't love him, she would have turned to run.

"I have something to tell you," she said, the words feeling strange as her mouth formed them. He would know instantly that her news was bad.

"What is it? Do you want some wine first?"

She shook her head, too busy trying to think of how to say what she had to say than to answer his question. She was still in the entryway, still holding her purse and keys as if going any closer to him would be some sort of violation.

As she lowered her head, she caught a glimpse of Alec preparing himself for the worst.

"I told Cal about your habit."

There. It was said. That part was over.

"You what?" He nervously rubbed his forehead. "Who else have you told? This can't get out, Gill. It can't get out."

Now, she could leave her purse on the floor and go to him. She sat next to him on the couch and put a reassuring hand on his knee.

"Do you think I wanted to tell him? I promise, in all the time we've known each other, I've never told a soul. I've done everything I can to help you lie."

"So why did you tell Lightman?"

"He notices things, Alec. He knew you were lying about where you've been spending your evenings, and he thought you were cheating on me."

Disgust was written all over his face at the thought.

"He thought that . . . about me? How could he? I've known him longer than you have!"

"Alec . . ."

"Gill, you know I'd never do that to you."

"I know."

"And you told that to Lightman?"

She sighed. "He was concerned, and you know how he is. He doesn't stop until he finds the answer. If I hadn't told him, he would have kept digging until he learned the truth. I saved him the trouble."

"And he'll keep our secret?"

"You mean will he expose your lie? Of course not."

"Wait, my lie? What's going on? You're upset about something, and it's not Lightman."

Another breath. Soon, this would be over. Just put one foot in front of the other.

"Christine came to see me again, at work. That's who Cal thought you were having the affair with."

"What did Christine have say?"

"I don't know, Alec, she's only your sponsor. What do you think she had to say? She told me that you've been lying to me. You've been getting your coke money from work."

"Gill, I know how it sounds, but a lot of that money is going to pork barrel projects. No one misses a thousand here or there. Besides, I'm going to pay it all back."

"You're stealing from the government."

"The government has a lot of money. They hardly know what to do with it all. And I pay taxes." He shook his head. "Christine shouldn't have told you."

"Alec, if you're not going to tell me, then someone has to."

"I thought you could read it all in my face."

"That doesn't mean that we're not supposed to talk anymore!" She realized that she was yelling at him, and she made herself calm down. There's no way she was going to start screaming if he didn't have the decency to scream back. "Alec, it's been almost a year since we lost Sophie, and we haven't even talked about it once."

"Yes, we did."

"We talked about not talking about it. That doesn't count."

He took her hand in his, unable to look up at her.

"I told you before, I'm no good at this. It's who I am."

"Alec, if we can't have a conversation about what's going on in our lives, then there's no way we can get through this. I look at you, and all I can see is an addict who can't handle himself and refuses his wife's help."

"I'm still me, Gill. I'm an addict, and I always was. The only thing the coke does is make it easier for you to see who I really am."

"Funny, I thought I knew who you really were."

"You knew that I had two lives. What you didn't know is which one would end up being reality.

"What, so this is your reality now? Embezzling from the United States government and snorting narcotics?"

He shrugged. "I thought I could make it. I thought I could change and be whatever it was that you needed me to be. Now, I can't."

She folded her arms and stared him down, observing every pore of his face and every twitch in his body.

"Fine. There's only one thing that we can do, then. If Christine and I can't help you, then I'm sending you to someone who can."

It took him a second to realize her meaning, but she saw the moment when his eyes grew wide and his mouth dropped open.

"Rehab? You want me to go to rehab?"

"When you start committing treason to pay your dealer, then I think it's time." She stopped, and ran her tongue around the bad taste those words left in her mouth. "I've done some research, and I've narrowed it down to a couple of places. We'll pick whatever you feel the most comfortable with."

"I've never done rehab before, Gill. I've always done it on my own."

"Yes, and that's worked out marvelously." She sighed, letting her face show him that he wasn't going to win this one. "Alec, it's rehab or I leave. For good."

He searched her eyes to verify her words, and when he seemed satisfied, he leaned in to kiss her on the forehead. Then, without a word, he stood and went to the bedroom, leaving her alone to process what had just happened. First the case, then Cal, and now Alec—today had been full of hard choices and heavy topics.

She actually smiled when she remembered the discussion she'd had with Cal just before leaving work. The idea that Alec was having an affair was, after all, hilarious. Alec didn't need a mistress. In a way, he already had a lover that came in small packets of white powder. Cocaine had been a part of Alec's life long before she ever knew him, and had a deeper hold on her husband than she ever could.

And then, after twelve years of waking up next to the same man, she saw their relationship for what it truly was.

In Alec's heart, Gillian had always been the mistress.

The more she thought about it, the more it seemed like the truth. Cocaine was Alec's true life companion; Gillian was simply the other woman. The distraction. The side dish. The woman who you told you loved so you could live two lives at once. And this whole time, she had thought that Alec would choose her! What a fool she had been for thinking that he would leave his addiction. She should have seen this coming. She shouldn't have been so stupid.

She could hear him packing as she sipped a slushie and tried to figure out how to on Earth she was supposed to return embezzled money to the U.S. Government.

AN: The last chapter will be up tomorrow! See you then!