Step Twelve

Three weeks seemed like an eternity when Alec left. Now, she knew it wasn't long enough.

It's a funny thing, being alone. Or, in other words, being left behind. When she gave him his ultimatum, the words had given her a bitterness in her stomach, and even as she watched him go out the door, she had been fighting every instinct to grab him and hold him close. It wasn't until the day after he left that she realized how much she liked the empty apartment. It took her a full week to not feel guilty about it.

The fact of the matter was that with Alec gone, there weren't any lies. She didn't have to pretend to believe him when he said he was staying late for work—not in front of Cal, or Ria, or anyone. All she had to say now was that he was at a retreat in Montana, which was absolutely true.

And the truth, well, it felt good.

It was only going to last for one more day. Alec's flight was coming in the middle of the night, and he'd already booked a cab to take him back from the airport. Tomorrow, she would wake up, he would be there, and the lies would start all over again. Even if he was honest with her, and he managed to stay clean for another eleven years, they would still have to stand together and lie to the world.

It really hadn't bothered her before she met Cal. She used to think that everybody had secrets, and since there were skeletons in every closet, there was nothing wrong with keeping one or two next to her dresses. It wasn't until she made a living looking for those skeletons that she realized how harmful they could be.

Lies, in themselves, were very simple things. You say that something is when it isn't or vice versa—there were few things simpler than that. The consequences of lying, however, were so infinitely complex that it was nearly impossible for anyone to anticipate them all. Did the mother of the overachiever predict that cheating would dig her daughter's grave? Did the daughter-in-law of the Korean ambassador think that lying about her name would get her husband shot? Did the construction worker foresee that hiding his illness could trap him underneath a ton of concrete? None of them had intended any harm, yet harm was exactly what had happened. All because of simple lies.

It hadn't seemed like a lie at first—she had thought of it as more of an omission, or an issue of privacy. She had done it to protect Alec, because no one would see him for who he was if they saw the sins of his past. But if she was truly honest with herself, the lies they told stretched much farther than cocaine. After all, hadn't they spent the better part of a decade convincing people that they had more money than they did? And yet, they had been happy. It was only when the lie became the truth that things got so hard. When he was lying, and she had become an honest woman, something had changed forever.

Of course, their life would be different if she and Alec had been open from the beginning. Alec would have never gotten a decent job, and they wouldn't have had a chance at getting Sophie. It was worth it to lie for so many years just for those fifty-seven days of being a mother. Would it be worth it to lie for the rest of her life?

If she were anyone else, the deception would make her normal, but with her line of work, she would be a fraud.

And, perhaps worst of all, Cal would be disappointed with her.

The choice was clear: she could either lie to Cal or leave Alec. There was no way to be loyal to both, she could see that now. Of all the people she had met in her life, there had been two who had taken her out of her comfort zone and believed in her enough to help her find herself. She wouldn't be who she was without either of them, there was no denying that. So how could she choose? If she chose Cal, would she be forgetting how Alec took her as a frumpy grad student and changed her into a princess? If she chose Alec, would her lies eventually intersect with others and hurt somebody else? They'd already hurt the government she'd spent the majority of her career serving.

It wasn't until the next morning, Alec's first day back from rehab, when she looked in the mirror and saw the dishonesty in her own reflection, that she was able to make her decision.

"Alec, I think we should separate."

He looked up from his cereal in shock, too overcome by the surprise of her announcement to even attempt to put words into his open mouth.

"This isn't just about the cocaine. Do you remember what it used to be like? We used to be poor and happy, but we've lost that. We're both miserable, and pretending that we aren't. I just can't do that anymore. Your second life—it's crushing me. I have to get out of here while I still have a shred of self-respect. I'm moving out."

Alec still hadn't managed to utter a word before her phone rang, and she had to rush into work. She liked it better that way.

Hours later, when she saw his name on her caller ID, she had an inner debate before answering.

"Hello?"

"I just wanted to call to see if you're alright. I heard you're working that case with the suicide bombers."

"Yeah, we're all working on it."

"And you're being careful? You've got your FBI agent staying close?"

"Alec . . ."

"I just want you to be safe."

"Why does a kid have to blow himself up before you start to care about me?"

"Gill . . ."

"I lost my daughter, Alec. I had someone that I loved as much as I loved you, and I got her ripped away from me, but did you ever ask me how I was handling it? And now, now that bombs are going off, you suddenly care? I can't handle that, with all that's going on. I can't."

"I do care about you. I married you, didn't I?"

"Now is not the time to be talking about this."

"Well, fine. I'm just happy to know that you're okay."

"Yeah, y-yeah. I'm glad that you called, too."

"And if there's anything I can do to have you back in my life . . ."

"Don't. Don't!"

"Gill . . ."

"Look, I'm glad that you called, but I just can't do this, okay?"

She hung up on him as soon as she heard the door open, then turned to see Cal in his usual black, rumpled outfit.

"Y'alright?"

She brushed the hair out of her eyes and told him one more lie.

The phone call was a bit ironic, she could admit that. She was the shrink, and Alec was supposed to be the one who didn't like talking about his feelings. She had the distinct impression, though, that if she let him explain himself, she'd fall in love with him all over again.

Alec had been perfect for her, once. If she could only stop herself from seeing the truth, and make herself believe in the fairy tale that she had spun years ago with her roommates, then maybe he could be perfect for her again. Lying to herself, however, was something that Dr. Gillian Foster, deception expert, couldn't do.

It was time to take the final step.

Packing up her life was a lot easier than she thought. There were the clothes, of course, her toiletries, and a couple of keepsakes that she had hoarded over the years. She wasn't very interested in the rest. It was time for a clean break.

The last box was heavy in her tired arms, but the exercise of pulling, pushing, and carrying felt oddly satisfying. This was far more than just moving out—it was the final step in a cleansing process. She was purging from her soul the secrets and the lies of an addict, stripping away all foreign bodies until only the truth remained. Standing on the threshold of the apartment that was no longer hers, she counted the steps it would take from where she was to the car parked in the driveway: twelve. The minute the box was in her car, everything that had been weighing her down would be purged forever, and she could be clean again. All it took was twelve steps, and twelve years of marriage would be wiped clean.

She climbed into her car, put the key in the ignition, and started her new life.

She couldn't remember a time when she felt more free.

THE END

A/N: Aaaaaaand that's all, folks. I hope you enjoyed this journey at least half as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you again for your kind reviews. You guys are the reason I keep posting here. :)