On Cold Desert:
Rated T.
NON-CANON (-stressed for emphasis)
Musically-driven.
Prose-ish at times.
Setting: Motel 6 in Oregon.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or any of the bands, logos, or companies mentioned in previous chapters. Though I wish I owned Jasper.
JASPER'S POV
I paused as I made to turn the speaker up louder; my head seemed to explode, or perhaps implode, because it suddenly felt concave. There were pictures in my mind, and feelings racing up each of my scarred limbs; neither the images nor the sensations were my own. I could almost taste an outside force pushing, prodding…shoving scenes I would never want to see into my brain.
Careful touches of hands to faces, bloodless blushing…fists closing around black, spiky hair, sighing… a name said lustfully in a voice I knew all too well…
A rampant pain shot through my arm. Carlisle had once told me it was a sign of an impending heart attack or stroke. But that was impossible- my heart had not pulsed out a single beat for hundreds of years.
I shook myself, wildly throwing my thoughts around, searching for an explanation…while rationalities eluded me.
I tried to find a possible theory to justify the vision. The first option: I was going crazy from hunger. No, that can't be right, I realized. I just ate. Second, the combination of Bella's dramatic emotions and my own were stretching me too thin mentally. This was possible, if not entirely probable.
I could only decide that it was an errant hallucination, a daydream…
Because the implications of the vivid vision were too strong and unbelievable; my pixie, my Alice had been murmuring, "Edward."
Catch my breath close my eyes
Don't believe a word
Things she said overheard
Something wrong inside
It's you admit it
Then you know you're in it
That strong sense of relief I'd found nestled at the base of Alice's emotional core shocked me, to say the least. I thought she loved me beyond reason; now I wasn't so confident.
Beyond me Bella, beautiful and haunted, sobbed because of the mere memory of her lost lover. The physical pain was only momentary, I knew; and though she was just human I was sure she was tougher than Edward made everyone believe.
Just human. My own thoughts circled back forcefully to knock at the sides of my cranium and demand further reflection. She was more than that. Very quickly, it seemed that she was becoming…everything.
I've been in love before
I've been in love before
The hardest part is when you're in it
I've been in love before
I've been in love before
I leaned against the shabby bed for support. Suddenly, I felt too tired for investigations of my inner being. All I knew was I could not, for the moment, have my own beloved. And that even far away, she did not want me.
All the signs were there: we hadn't made love for decades. She hated the sight of my naked flesh; sometimes, she would force me to wear long sleeves or turtlenecks simply to hide the scars she so despised. I attempted to convince myself that it was her love of me that urged on hatred of my body- perhaps she couldn't bear to imagine the vampires ripping at me with their teeth in battle. But now, with this…this unknown, lurking otherness I'd never been aware of…
And then there was Bella.
She was hypnotized by the sun-sparkling of my diamond skin, however flawed. I was shy by nature, and uncertain of myself. But she was swiftly instilling in me unbidden, almost foreign feelings of happiness, contentment, and even more, worthiness.
Just one touch just one look
A dangerous dance
One small word can make me feel
Like running away
You can't say you're in it no
Until you reach the limit
There was a stirring in the bathroom. Rushing water was halted, leaving only a quiet dripping from the showerhead in its place. The plastic, transparent curtain was drawn back almost roughly and I could easily discern the soft rustling of a towel. The fabric met skin with an almost unrecognizable hiss.
I closed my eyes. I hadn't endured pain of this magnitude in a long while. I was forcing myself to accept that Alice loved me no longer, in order to save myself future agony, and now, thrown into the swirling mix was Bella…
Bella, Bella, Bella. My throat ached.
Did I feel more for her than just brotherly affection? Or more than the usual thirst for human blood? I knew what she was doing to me, though I wasn't sure why. She was reaching inside my chest and tugging on the strings that supported my heart. They were red, and bleeding, weathered down by her slow insistence. There was a glowing inside of me, yet also a cautious burn. She was causing a whirlwind within me- guilt and yearning, hunger and a very non-vampiric want.
In the bathroom, minutes before…she had whispered my name. My name and nothing else. And that was enough to push the venom throughout my body in raw waves, exciting me.
Did she know?
Had she guessed?
I gasped with the sudden knowledge that I was, impossibly and against all odds, falling for Bella Swan.
I've been in love before
I've been in love before
The hardest part is when you're in it
I've been in love before
I've been in love before
---
When Bella finally sank into slumber that night, I knew instantly.
I'd been watching her instead of the television. She had half-heartedly searched the channels until a movie with (who I thought might be) Gwyneth Paltrow caught her attention. Then, she'd snuggled up with a box of blueberry pop-tarts at the foot of her bed; I was at the head of my own. She nibbled on the frosted pastries, eating them cold, and I observed her as she occasionally threw her hair back over her thin shoulder. The motion entranced me. Her long tresses were still damp, and the sound the strands made as they smacked lightly against her back was almost too tempting. From a distance I could smell her- she was mouthwatering, a personal perfume combining strawberries and soap and flowers and female utterly surrounding her.
Bella laughed sometimes, or a small smile would appear on her lips. Twice, I caught her peeking at me through her peripheral.
Sometime around midnight, her eyes started to close. She was in the middle of a sentence, discussing the movie with me, and suddenly her lids were pale and closed against the shadow of her cheeks. Her mouth was still partially open; I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, not that I could do either easily. The pose was almost comical, but it was a testament to both her helpless exhaustion and rare loveliness that I didn't chuckle- she was so tired and traumatized from the past few day's events she couldn't even keep her eyes open long enough to finish a thought. And though it was sad on one level, on another I found her breathtakingly gorgeous. I supposed I'd have to get over that soon.
"Bella?" I questioned softly, not wanting to disturb her, but knowing she'd snap back awake in a few moments anyway.
She smiled sleepily at me and said, "Sorry. Like I was saying…" She continued her original statement, something about dialogue and subtlety and ill-fated lovers.
I agreed with her vocally, while noncommittally bobbing my head. Her lazy brown eyes distracted me; they were set like rough stones into the sugar-white face I was beginning to cherish.
Satisfied with my response, she curled into a position not dissimilar to that of a feline's. One graceful hand on her throat, the other grasping the remote, she murmured my name.
All of my nerves sparked to life at once. "Yes?"
It seemed like she struggled with her phrasing for a second, and then whispered, "I always thought…he was my Romeo. But I don't want to die like Juliet did. Their story is just too heartbreaking. Maybe I want to live forever."
She was delirious in her fatigue. I wasn't sure how to reply.
It didn't matter; she was asleep nearly immediately. I turned off the television and covered her with blankets. I watched her for a long while. I desperately wanted to lay next to her, feel her warmth. But I couldn't give in; it would taste too much like surrender. It would feel like betrayal.
I mulled over her words all night…
Finally, I found the answer.
She didn't have to be Juliet. Because I was not Romeo.
If.
If my developing love progressed…if I confessed…if she chose me…
I would give her what she asked for, what she wanted. That, I theorized, was the main difference between Edward and I. I could never deny her- if she wanted to live forever, I would make it so.
Like two jagged pieces of a puzzle, we fit together. As a pair, united, we were the solution to the blight of being star-crossed. Domino squares leaning against one another- presumably, she would die if she chose him.
Dizzied, I slid into a mental spiral of nonsense, losing all reason in my confused mind. I had abruptly become in touch with a dramatic tendency I hadn't realized existed. I shook myself.
There was more, though, lurking…an ingredient in the potion that would free us, release her…
"Just being Bella is enough," I breathed into her ear, as the morning dawn broke through the thin cream-colored curtain. She stirred, sighing contentedly in her unconsciousness.
I sat back, smiling…
Then Alice filled my mind and I drowned once more in grey waves of self-reproach.
A/N:
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the reviews, Favorites, and Alerts. You guys are truly the best readers. I can't believe I broke one hundred revs. I. Am. Blown.
I debated whether to take this story in the direction this chapter indicates it may be heading...the whole Edward/Alice thing. I've gotten quite a few requests for that particular pairing to pop up...I'm still wavering. But you, the readers and revvers are my feedback, and I trust your suggestions will help make CD the best it can be.
Gracias mas for all the song reccs. I'd like to specifically mention KG Wulf and JaspersPrincess213. Amazing revs, fantastic reccs. Also, serious acknowledgement to anyone who gave me an 'amen'. I cracked up at the response I recevied from just that one closing comment in my previous A/N.
How'd ya like 'The Cutting Crew'? I fell in love with these lyrics...they fit perfectly...and again, are following the eighties theme. Sue me.
Also, should I change my summary for CD? A reader suggested that to me and I'm wondering what the rest of you think. Ideas, please!
Anyway, please keep reviewing.
As of now, FOUR DAYS UNTIL NEW MOON!!! I'm positively weeping with excitement.
Should I try it again? I think I shall...can I get an amen?
REVIEW!