On Cold Desert:
Rated T.
NON-CANON
Setting: Oregon, on the move
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. But I'll still wish for it.
Chapter 10.
JASPER'S POV
My sister Rosalie, golden yet troubled, had always expressed the sense that she'd been cheated out of a life, and therefore an afterlife.
She was devoutly Catholic during her human years, and, when turned, became bitter that her chance at heaven had been revoked. I could not exactly empathize, though my sympathy for her was real and fervent. The days I spent soaked in bloody grime, a rifle in my hands, and with no shoes on weary feet, had stolen that particular romantic notion away from me. Any vestiges of it that remained were further abolished in the transition of mortal to immortal.
I did not mourn the loss of it; the combination of war and the sudden, unbidden gift of life everlasting altered me in ways that mere physical changes couldn't reach or compete against. My very insides had been transformed, and I've always considered the change one for the better.
Heaven, Rosalie believed, was the broad white expanse where misery and petty human plights did not exist. Her definition was extensive, and laden with emotional technicalities.
I always viewed Heaven in a more simplistic manner: a pale blue setting, perhaps, adorned with the gentle evening breeze of Texas and the ringing of silver chimes from the Whitlock porch.
But when Bella kissed me my definition of Heaven was obliterated entirely, and replaced with a new, truer one.
Though I knew that my heart had stopped beating long ago, it almost seemed as if the organ had shuddered into activity once more.
Bella's warm hands encased my face, and her palms were dangerously close to the ragged scars along my jaw. I tensed instinctively, more out of insecurity and worry than discomfort. I wasn't sure what to do with my hands, or my lips- what I could do with them, what was acceptable. So I remained frozen in shock while she kissed me with once uncharacteristic strength.
A vampire's sense of time is altogether different than that of a human. I'm sure the kiss lasted merely several seconds. But I could slow down the hasty progression of time, if only for myself.
And I did. Oh, I did.
Later, I would dwell on the smooth curve of her lips, a curve I had always noticed and hypothesized about. I would focus on the slight tease of a hidden tongue behind her restraint, and the slick sweet moisture of her breath on my skin. These small, seemingly insignificant details comprised the most shocking- and, contradictorily, the most pleasant- experience of my life.
She pulled away; of course she pulled away. And there came a great wrenching in my chest as her fingers slid off my skin like a canvas smearing in the rain, coupled with the shaky exhale from her lips that washed me free of past transgressions. Her eyes met mine.
"I'm sorry," she said, trembling and blushing. She was so human.
I smiled. "No," I insisted. "You have absolutely nothing to apologize about."
---
On the walk back to the hotel, I told her that we should move on.
After removing myself from the situation to serve the restoration of her sensibilities- I could allow her one gratis, after all, regardless of who was to blame for the awkwardness- and standing outside the shop for ten minutes, she exited, carrying a bag in her hands. We proceeded back along our original path in absolute silence, a much different atmosphere than the one before. Our bodies were almost unreasonably distant, and she stumbled more than usual.
However, she misinterpreted me, and the well-meaning break in the quiet. I watched those brown eyes widen in disbelief and shame.
"I mean from the hotel," I clarified quickly. "We can travel by night. Where we're going, the sunlight is only going to get brighter. I can't risk any attention."
Bella nodded with an amiable sort of reluctance. "That's fine. I thought…" She shook her head. "Never mind."
I deliberated momentarily, and then weighed my options. Considering the circumstances, I didn't see much harm in pursuing a more risky path than I normally would have taken. She was embarrassed, certainly, but with time and practice…
My brain was proving to be lecherous, and treacherous, and any other negative adjective I could conjure up easily. Practice? She obviously kissed me on a whim, and had no intention of repeating the action. If I showed interest in echoing our previous encounter, her discomfort would only grow. I shouldn't put her through that. I wanted her trust.
But.
But Bella was everything I had ever dreamed of, even in my waking sleep. Crossing the threshold of our dingy, temporary home a slant of bad lighting splayed across her features. Even bathed in the harsh, usually unflattering fluorescents her skin was luminous and otherworldly. The double curve of her mouth and purple shadows bordering wide eyes entranced me.
She was perfect.
And yet, her imperfections abounded.
But!
I was suddenly a wavering mess of indecision. My insides writhed as if breaking from frozen freezer bonds, and there was a funny whirring in my ears.
It was almost too reminiscent of wind chimes.
I whispered, "You're all there is now. And I hate it."
And she, cursed with useless human ears, did not hear me.
---
The phone rang as we progressed down the empty highway, and I jumped. I suppose I'd become accustomed to a certain clairvoyant alerting me to impending ringing. Even more so, I suppose it was the sensation of Bella and I being cut off from the world being shattered; I hadn't realized exactly how isolated we were before.
Bella rooted around in the travel case for my cell phone while I veered the car to a stopping point , and we laughed a little, nervous and flustered. What news would the ringing bring?
She thrust the phone into my hands, and I flipped it open hastily.
"Hello?"
"Jasper, thank God," Carlisle breathed. I smiled. His words and their implications were very nearly a vampiric paradox. His father would be rolling in his grave.
"Of course we didn't have…the normal advantage when it comes to foresight," he said, skirting around the delicate subject. "So we couldn't be sure that you were safe. Esme wanted to call you straight off, but I chose to wait. Without progress with negotiations, I didn't see the need. I'm getting ahead of myself," he said. "How are you? And Bella?"
My mind twisted in a secretive laugh, and I responded, "We're both doing fine. Hold on let me put you on speaker." I fumbled with the buttons for a lengthy period. Finally, Bella removed the device from my hands, exasperated but grinning shyly, almost reluctantly. She was still embarrassed from earlier events. I brushed her thigh with my palm. She jumped, switched the speaker setting on my phone and handed it back abruptly.
I frowned. "Go on, Carlisle. Tell us what's been happening."
"The Volturi have been uncooperative. At first, they denied ordering Chelsea and Afton to Forks. You can imagine how tense it became then. We missed your talents, that's certain." I could picture him pacing our grand floor at home, running a hand through his hair and sighing. Poor Carlisle. He was so old and had to bear so much.
I looked at the brunette beauty beside me. She seemed to be thinking along the same lines; her face reflected my insides. But instead of sadness exclusively, guilt was written there, too.
I reached for her hand.
Carlisle was still speaking in my ear, relating the latest events of a town far away, universes distant, yet I was more focused on Bella placing her hand in mine then than any threat or trouble.
She did so with an expression that simply tore my heart neatly in two.
"Jasper?"
I started. "Yes, I'm still here. We're still here," I corrected myself.
"I'm sorry there hasn't been much headway. I couldn't put off calling you any longer; I'm sure you're disappointed that we can't put this behind us just yet."
On the contrary.
"Does Bella have any questions?"
I offered her the phone. She gathered her breath and, intuitively, I knew what she was preparing to say.
Her next words killed a deeply buried part of me.
"Is Edward okay?"
I cursed as she leaned over, grasping her stomach in pain, still clutching the phone with stubborn determination.
"Bella," Carlisle's voice cut in sharply. "Don't try to fight against it. You're human- you could damage your body beyond repair if you allow Chelsea and Afton's power to ravage you."
She blinked back tears. "Damn it, Carlisle, is he okay?"
He exhaled a long, needless breath. "Yes. He's checked in a few times. He and Alice are fine, and I don't hesitate to infer that they're missing both of you greatly. I apologize that you have to endure this pain, Bella, you know that I'd do anything for you. But you must allow Jasper to take care of you until the Volturi and we reach an agreement. Do you understand me?"
She nodded, and then remembered he wasn't actually present to witness the motion. "Yes."
"Good. Jasper? Hang in there. We'll call again soon."
He canceled the call. A hurried, "We love you!" from Esme echoed in the background at the exact moment of communication termination.
There was only an awkward silence left in the wake of the conversation.
I revved the engine and the car leapt off the side of the road and onto wide freeway. I knew my knuckles were clenched tightly on the wheel, and my mouth must be cracking under the strain of keeping myself immobile.
"You're angry," she said.
"Nope. I'm peachy keen, darlin."
Bella cussed colorfully, and threw her elbow into the window glass, frustrated. I shook my head as she winced. Humans.
"Fine," she half-yelled, "I couldn't care less if you never talked to me again!"
"Fantastic."
She continued her tirade incredulously. "Yeah, and another thing- you're a prick!"
"You seemed fairly fond of me in the music shop."
Despite the fact I knew I should be ashamed of that retort, I didn't regret my words. I wasn't about to let her walk all over me. I wasn't Edward.
Still, the sight of her mouth gaping, and shoulders slumping with acute humiliation sparked some remorse within me. Perhaps now was not the time, anyway.
"Bite me," she replied sharply, apparently able to think of no other comeback.
Silence filled the Mercedes while her remark sunk in fully.
I began to laugh, unable to restrain myself for argument's sake. She joined in, and we chuckled for a good mile.
"Next time I suggest a better sense of phrasing," I said, grinning.
Bella winked at me, threw an unfamiliar CD into the dashboard's opening.
"What's that?" I asked.
"A departure from the eighties," she muttered satisfactorily. "Black Holes and Revelations."
I grinned as the opening track struck its first chord.
"It's good," I admitted.
She laid back, wrapped in a blanket we'd casually lifted from the motel, eyes closing contentedly. As was her normal routine, Bella would occasionally peep from under long lashes at me, convinced I wasn't aware.
I realized then that though I wanted her, she still longed for Edward. That was as it should be, I knew. Yet some piece of me writhed in torment to dwell on the thought. I decided I would wait until she made a second move. It wasn't exactly traditional. But then again, this predicament was nothing short of extraordinary. As it always was with Bella Swan.
The moonlight filled the car and I added to the ambiance with a careful dose of tranquility, hoping sleep would find her soon. Hoping that she might dream of me.
"My heaven is good."
A/N:
I think I might just have to stop apologizing for lateness; I hate to repeat myself, and it seems my perfectionist attitude prevents me from updating in a reasonable timeframe.
So one last time- sorry!
Let's focus on the chapter itself then. I hope you like it, though something tells me it isn't quite as good as previous chapters. Again, that could just be me. Regardless, I made good on my word to add (hopefully) always-welcome tension and news from the Cullen clan. As some of you may have noticed, I don't like dialogue, so forgive me if the telephone conversation seems unrealistic or vague. Feedback on this particular topic would be appreciated!
On another note, Muse is a crossover hit- not just geographically, but fan-based. Twilight fans jumped on the Must bandwagon when our Queen, SM, so fervently suggested them. I myself am guilty of downloading Muse tunes simply because she had ordered it so. But they're amazing! My favorite Muse song, Uprising, has made the transition to radio recently. Good for them!
Please continue to review. I'll try to update much more now that the school year is winding down.
I love my readers!
Next time, will Bella end the tortured waiting for Jasper? Find out!
REVIEW!