Spock sat listlessly at the dinner table. He was unimpressed and nearly disgusted at the opulence spread out before him. Titanic had spared no expense in their cuisine, but the wasteful spending didn't upset Spock the most.
"Father, why are there starved, peasant children standing by the table?" Spock queried.
Each table in the first-class dining hall was accompanied with two or three pitiful looking children.
"Titanic provides every luxury for its high-end guests!" Nero Ismay, the managing director of The White Star Lines, answered.
"Um, how is this a luxury?"
"Oh Spock," Sarek finally chimed in, "How can anyone possibly enjoy their wealth if they can't enjoy it while simultaneously seeing how miserable other people are? Geez, I'm pretty sure that's even in the Bible!"
"Yes, it was Jesus' 5th commandment for livin' large and livin' in charge," Nero added piously.
Uhura laughed at the shivering children. "These kids remind me of the orphans I use to run my steel mills, except they don't have that crazed scurvy look yet." Uhura then smiled around a mouthful of scrambled Bald Eagle eggs as the children looked on with sadness and hunger.
"Oh I don't know what satisfies me more! This ridiculously expensive food or the tears of peasant children!" Sarek mused.
Spock was ready to projectile vomit, but opted instead to sneak a piece of bread to the children.
"Don't you think this is abnormally cruel and just…well, weird?" Spock posed to the entire table.
Everyone grumbled at what a friggen downer Spock was being.
"Well hell! Look at this sorry lookin' group," a green woman nearly yelled. Spock had seen her before and marveled at her curious coloring.
"I asked around," Sarek whispered to his son, "Apparently that's Gaila Green. She just got wealthy after starting a company that makes…well, let's call them adult toys."
Spock's eyebrows flew up. Curious. The woman took a seat next to Nero, as he both groaned and looked down her mink bikini top.
"What's got you all lookin' so down?" she asked.
"Spock, the party pooper was just ruining our good time by pointing out our over-the-top cruelty," Nero sneered.
"Hmm," she pondered, looking at the children. "This does seem to be a bit harsh, and kinda useless."
Spock perked up a bit at Gaila's defense.
"I suppose you're right, Miss Green," Nero answered, "It is somewhat wasteful. We could have these children shoveling coal during the day and then watching us eat at night!"
That was too much for Spock. He stood up, throwing down his napkin. "I'm going to go and fling myself off the ship! That's how much you all disgust me. I would rather throw myself overboard and hope I land directly in the mouth of a shark than sit here with you anymore!"
"Oh Spock," Uhura said, rolling her eyes. Much like the rest of the table, she had ignored what he said. "Could you dangle this in front of one of the starving children for me?" Uhura asked him, holding up a chicken leg.
With that, Spock ran to find mercy in sweet, sweet death.
"So….who wants to hear about my design for a steam-powered vibrator?" Gaila Green asked.
But while Spock was contemplating sweet, sweet death, Jim was hanging out on the third class deck and instructing the other passengers how to fight.
"And then, you come at the guy and you jack him in the throat! Isn't that great?"
The crowd cheered approvingly.
"Not bad," a man said as he stepped through the crowd. "But can you fight me?"
Jim frowned. "Who are you?"
"Name's McCoy. Leonard McCoy."
Jim twitched and glanced back at his friend Bones. "But I already have a friend named Leonard McCoy, you can't be McCoy, too!"
"Yeah!" said Bones 1.
The new McCoy shrugged. "That's my name."
"Is there anyone else named Leonard McCoy?"
Another man raised his hand.
"Well shit. Who is the real McCoy here?"
The three McCoys looked at each other
and shrugged again.
Jim sighed. "Okay, original and slightly Italian McCoy, you will be Bones 1. Second and Irish McCoy, you will be Bones 2. Third and random McCoy, you will be Bones 3. Does that work for everyone?"
"Si!"
"Aye!"
"Yeah, okay. I'm just happy to be part of a group."
Jim shook his head at his McCoy posse and looked up at the first class deck. The first thing he saw a really hot chick with a huge rack. Like, she was really hot. And not really wearing much clothing. She was sun tanning, actually, which was weird 'cause it was night. Jim wondered if he could rub slippery lotion all over that hot body of hers so she could work on her moon tan.
But then something caught his eye.
It was a hot chick but she was green. Jim liked the color green. He thought about how he had never had sex with a woman that was green. He wanted to rip off her mink bikini and spend some quality time with her.
And yet…his eyes pulled him elsewhere.
This time, he saw a…a dude? But no, there was something different about this dude. This dude seemed to be composed, yet also on the verge of tears. Jim felt bad for people that
looked like they were composed yet on the verge of tears. That's how he had met Bones 1, actually. They were both taking a class on solitaire techniques and they both looked like they were on the verge of tears. But composed.
But right, anyway, the dude. What really struck Jim about the man were his pointed ears. Was he…what, Greek or something? Jim had never met anyone with pointed ears.
Jim immediately needed to know what licking pointed ears felt like.
The composed man on the verge of tears with pointed ears made his way across the deck. Judging by his clothes, Jim recognized someone from the upper class. Also, the guy's ass looked smokin' hot. Staring at that ass, and thinking about licking those oh so pointy ears, Jim left his Bones posse and followed the stranger.
Jim tried to keep up, but the purposeful stride of the pointy eared dude was too much for him. Jim lost sight of his goal, but decided he wanted to see the rest of the ship anyway. Hey, maybe he could look at the propeller?!? That's a novel idea.
With a new goal in mind, Jim set off for the rear of the ship, hoping to catch a glimpse of a gigantic propeller.
Spock stared out at the vast expanse of water. He carefully swung one leg over the railing and clutched on for dear life as he brought the other leg over. It wouldn't do to go over when he wasn't completely prepared for it!
Spock sighed as he thought about how horrible his life was and how disgusted he was by everyone that was in it. With one more sigh, Spock leaped from his precarious position on the back of the ship.
Jim causally strolled up to the back of the ship. He was getting really jazzed to see the propellers. They would like spin and make the ship move and shit. He walked up to the edge and placed his hands on the railing before leaning over to get a good look. And he couldn't see a damn thing.
"Fuck me, it's night! I can't see a fucking thing. Oh fuck my cock!" Jim kicked the ship at this point, terribly upset that he wouldn't see the propellers tonight.
"Um, oh hey, a little help here…" Jim looked behind him, puzzled at who was speaking to him.
"Hey yeah, not behind you. Look down again." And Jim looked down once more and this time allowed his eyes to adjust to the darkness.
"Hey!!!" Jim shouted, "You're that dude with the pointy ears!" And then Jim remembered how much he wanted to lick those pointy ears.
"Um yeah," Jim continued, "I'm gonna go get like some rope or something. And then he left.
Spock sighed. He really didn't know how well his pants would hold up. After all, the pants getting caught on a rivet were the only reason he hadn't plunged to an icy death.
"No, don't help me up. I wish to embrace death in a final act of rebellion against my emotionally dead father and fiancé," Spock called. "So, if you could, like, maybe throw something that would knock me off I would be very appreciative. I'll even promise to have your name be my last words! What's your name?"
Suddenly Spock found himself skillfully lassoed around his waist.
"The name is Jim," his rescuer called down as he pulled Spock up. "And I wouldn't mind it being the last thing you ever say, but not tonight."
"Oh, that was a really cheesy line," Spock groaned.
"Okay well we're living in a universe based off of a film that James Cameron wrote. Of course some dialogue is gonna be shitty."
"Hm. True."
Jim had pulled Spock up far enough for the aristocrat to grab hold of the rail.
"Okay now before I pull you over, I have something to say," Jim started as he knelt down to untie his shoes.
"I appreciate your compassion, but I fear your efforts have been in vain. There is nothing you could do or say to convince me to live. And don't think about jumping in after me. Don't bother with your shoes."
Jim kicked off his shoes, his socks followed, but then got to work on his pants. "I wasn't gonna jump after you, I was just taking off my clothes."
Spock was rather dumbfounded.
"….Why?"
"I'm trying to convince you to live, right? Well I figure my naked body is a pretty good argument!"
Spock was about to counter his argument when he was interrupted by a loud SMACK Jim landed on his own ass.
"Ta da! Behold my ass and feel the desire to live!!"
The man's powers of persuasion were potent, Spock thought. It was a valid reason to live. Though, he wasn't being shallow or anything. He looked at that ass and saw an artist. A seeker of beauty and truth. He saw a kindred spirit in that ass. Also, he wanted to pinch it a little.
With his mind made up, Spock swung a leg over to embrace his reason to live.
Unfortunately, it was at that moment that Sarek, Uhura, and Uhura's henchmen found them.
"What the hell is going on here?" Uhura yelled.
Spock had some explaining to do…
Dun dun dunnnnn!! Have I emotionally compromised you with the epic romanticness?