Goodbye Saturday, July 18.
I stared at my nails while Calvin read the letter. He was just silent. I wish someone could or would say something to break it.
Finally he said, Triss. I glanced up at him and he looked confused. I wouldn t show him the letter with such reluctance unless I knew he would be uncomfortable about it. If I didn t want to move to my mom s I would have given him the letter without reluctance and as soon as he read it I would say that I was staying. Do you want this? he asked, incredulous.
After a pause I looked into his eyes and said, Yes. He looked appalled. I have never expressed an interest in even visiting my mother for seven years. We kind of just slipped out of visits. It cost a lot of money anyway.
I think if she is willing to try, I am, I said trying to keep my voice steady.
It worked; Calvin looked at me and said in an unsure voice, Alright. I breathed. I had no idea that I hadn t been. He looked uncomfortable for a moment. I guess, call her and let her know the news, he sounded as though something just happened and it hadn t hit him yet. I was spot on.
He walked out of the kitchen as if in a daze. I knew he d be okay. He always would be. He was just shocked at the suddenness of it all. So was I.
I wouldn t even have ever thought about visiting my Mom. I had no idea why I was pushing myself to this new extreme. I was taking a huge risk not knowing the extent of things in Oregon. I couldn t even tell myself why I was doing this. Perhaps I thought it would be a wonderful life away from Debbie. Maybe I yearned to see my childhood dream home. A fresh new start at a new school was always nice. All of these reasons are why I was taking a huge jump into the pool of uncertainty.
I fought with the little voice in my head for hours last night; staying up until the early hours of the morning. The only thing keeping me awake was the fact that I had so much to think about. The only thing that got me to sleep was exhaustion. When I did fall asleep I had another dream that I can t remember, but I remember that this dream was a better version of the previous nightmare. The small voice kept my brain in check as I slept; never letting in those bad thoughts I had about my Mother in. I feel like I ve been in a train wreck. The only thing is can my dad see that I feel like I ve been in a train wreck? Does he also have the same ability I do to see through peoples pretenses?
It s nothing magical, I think; I can just read body language and eyes very well. I read my dad s emotions when he went through his depression. I can tell when my dad has something that he wants to say and he knows it will be just a little uncomfortable.
For this, I thank my strange ability. I can tell when he wants to tell me something I don t want to necessarily hear, and I can prepare myself for it.
I had to call my mom. I got up and went to the phone and found the small address book that we keep all of our important phone numbers in. We haven t called my mom in over a year. That I know of. I found her number and hoped that I would get her answering machine. What if it was a cell phone and she answers? What if she doesn t answer? Either way it s nerve-wracking so I might as well get it over with. I dialed her number with trembling fingers and sat at the bar.
Ring. Ring. Ring. Each ring felt like was an hour long.
It rang five more times and a voice said, Hello? I couldn t say a word. Hello?! the voice was more urgent this time. Before I could give them a chance to hang up I said, Hi, sorry I, I couldn t finish. Who is this? Is this a prank call? No. I finally breathed. I am looking for Jennie. I hoped I didn t sound like I was anxious. This is her, answered the voice, my Mom s voice. I was glad Calvin wasn t here to witness this he might change his mind about letting me go.
This is Beatrice, I managed after a pause. I heard a sigh on the other end.
I ve been waiting for your call, she proclaimed.
I know I got your letter yesterday. I have a an answer for you. This was getting easier and easier by the second. This is a good sign.
Well, um. I would love to know what that answer is, Hun. She sounded lovely. She sounded like I imagined my mother to sound. I had forgotten what it was like to hear her.
I am choosing to, I heard an intake of breath from the other side, Move in with you. The breath was let out slowly. I let mine out, too. Somehow, I keep holding my breath without realizing it.
How exiting! She exclaimed. Like I said, tickets on speed dial! She sounded like a little kid with a new toy. I need a week to get all my stuff packed up, you know, I told her. Oh, yes. Yes, of course, she now sounded eager. I m so excited! I get to finally meet you after all of these years.
Seventeen, I can t believe it!
I let her ramble than said, how about I call you after I get something done?
The same here, I will get back to you about tickets and luggage, ya know, the whole thing. She was starting to sound normal again. All right, then. I ll talk to you later; soon, Mom. Talk to you later, then. She said and hung up.
I put the phone on the hook and Calvin walked in.
What did she say? he asked, leaning against the door jamb.
She s exited. She says she ll call when things are ready and I ll call when my things are ready.
Okay; I will get you some boxes from work, he sounded tired.
Kay, Dad. Thanks. Hey kid, no problem. I ve got to get to work; that could be a problem if I don t get moving! He was back to his old self in a flash.
Debbie was already gone, off to her job at Mary Kay, which was a very good thing. I didn t want Debbie to be in the middle of this. She would eventually have to know though. That will be a day to remember.
I have to tell the few friends that I have that I will be leaving soon. I don t think they will be dreadfully sad I m leaving. They might actually be a little bit happy. They, of course, would try to hide their happiness but I will see right through it like always. Being different has always had a part in getting friends. The past few years it s been easier but I still don t have devoted friends; the ones who stay with you through thick and thin. Nope, the friends I have will be happy for me to leave. I didn t care though. As long as I had Calvin; and in a few weeks it would my Mom taking his place.
I made a plan of action. When school was in session I had one friend per class, plus a few others in lunch. That made a short list of ten people, I wasn t sure if they even knew each other. I wrote all the people down. I looked at the names I scrawled on a piece of notebook paper with a sudden sadness, time to call them.
First is my best friend, Jamie Ellison. She is my partner in math and we get along just great. We ve had a sleepover or two in the past year. She is the only one I expect to be remotely sad I m leaving.
I was right about that. She said we d have to keep in touch while I was away. She wished me good luck and rambled about how she would miss me. My red lights weren t flashing, which meant she was sincere. I almost cried as I said goodbye and made all the promises I could think of. I would be missing her.
I liked Jamie a lot. She had a certain way about her that made me like her more than all my other friends. I was jealous of her long blond hair and she was really pretty. She didn t have the same style as all the other teens, like me. She was just, likeable. I really would miss her.
When I called Tally, my second best friend and partner in social studies, I didn t expect quite as much enthusiasm as Jamie has shown. Boy, I was in for a surprise. She was crying all over the place as I told her I would be leaving. She was as sincere as Jamie had been! I silently cursed my ability to gauge my status with friends.
Tally wasn t my favorite person in the world. She wore just a little too much make-up. She didn t wear as much as Debbie but still a lot of it. She had her own sense of style, too. But it was fashionable which made her more popular than me. She had black hair that she often wore in a ponytail trailing down her back. She was too talkative. I myself don t have much to say but Tally always has something to say.
When I called Tommy I was expecting his reaction. He wasn t happy that I would be leaving, but he wasn t sad I was leaving. He masked his wrong motions but, inevitably, I saw through them. I like Tommy for his smarts. I could never like a boy like him though. He was tall and gangly. He had short black hair that he never smoothed down. He wore glasses and he was often called pizza face.
I had heard rumors that Tommy thought I liked him and he avoided touching me or walking next to me in the hall. I tried to explain to him that the rumors weren t true but I don t think he fully believed it. It went on like that for the next half hour or so. When I called Maria she said she was sorry but she really had to go; right after she explained that she was disappointed that I had to leave. Friends five through ten just sat on the other line without much emotion. At least none of them were happy that I was leaving.
That night Calvin came home with ten empty, folded, cardboard boxes. I began to put together some of the brown folds.
Ya know, dad. I began. You didn t have to get ten boxes.
I know, but having too many is better than having too little, he said with a smile. He was leaning in the door jamb, something he usually did when he was chatting with me. I ll leave you to start packing, he said and he turned and strode out the door way without another word.
I packed all my books in one box, all my picture frames and small decorations in another. I wrapped the picture frames and other glass or breakable delicates in newspaper that Calvin brought in for me. I put everything else that I wouldn t need in another box; I filled that one and moved to another. I packed my winter clothes in a box; I wouldn t need those until summer was over. I left out just my summer clothes; a small collection of Tank tops, worded t-shirts, shorts, cut off jeans, and capris and I couldn t forget my toiletries.
My room looked really bare; the only things left that were showing were a few posters and my lavender bedspread. I would defiantly ask mom if I could take that. When I went to the living room to find that Debbie and Calvin were in bed, I looked at the clock. It was nine PM. I gasped and ran back into my room to put my pajamas on and brush my teeth. I needed the sleep, bad.
It was then I realized I was exhausted. The combination of the long day and lack of sleep from the night before was taking a toll on me. I crawled into bed to get to sleep; expecting a wave of thoughts to rush in but I drifted to sleep and stayed that way. I slept like a rock.