Lost in Harry Potter
by 80sarcades

Disclaimer: Does anyone actually believe that I own Harry Potter?

Chapter 2: Chateau Dursley

All too soon the train pulled into Kings Cross and I joined the rest of the redheads trying to find Molly Weasley. Personally, I think she's one of the underrated characters in the series. It's one thing to *fight* a war, but something completely different to *worry* about your loved ones in that war.

Of course, I am on my best manners when she pops up. Unfortunately, the good times end when the Dursleys show up. If looks could kill, Molly would be up for life. Of course, I would have to testify that she acted in self defense. She feared for her life, your honor, I would say. Just ignore the multiple stab wounds. And the tire marks.

About thirty minutes later I'm stuffed in a car with Vernon, Petuina, and Dudley. The trunk, as big as it is, fit in the boot. How these tubs of lard avoid breaking the axles is a mystery. Vernon, as usual, is in a good mood. If you're into S&M, that is.

I lost count at how many times I hear 'boy', 'ungrateful brat', and 'freak'. How Harry puts up with this crap is beyond me.

But then again, I'm not Harry, am I?

True to form, the larger than life family leave me alone to lug this heavy trunk into the house. I put it in the dingy barred room that looks even worse than described in the book. Heading downstairs, I ran into Vernon.

"Going somewhere, boy?" he sneered. That mustache really does make him look evil. I just smiled.

"Yup, sure am." My voice was chipper even though I really should be depressed. Then again, if I lived here I'd be on Prozac 24/7. "Thought I'd come downstairs. See what's on the telly. You know, that kind of thing."

"You'll do no such thing, boy!" Vernon thundered. "Get back to your room. I don't want to see you or your freak things until tomorrow. You--"

That was as far as he got before my right foot kicked him in the crotch. Honestly, who would have thought he had a pair? His face turned purple as he sunk to his knees, gasping for breath. Red wasn't his color, anyway.

"You know, you really shouldn't have a nasty attitude, you know," I said casually. "Shortens your life."

He had just managed to stagger to his feet before my right fist buried itself in his stomach, sending him back down to his knees for an encore performance. Honestly, I was surprised to get my hand back. I heard Petuina and Dudley come in and gasp, but otherwise they just stood there and watched as their nephew went mental.

"Now listen here, maggot," I said in a quiet voice; I can be menacing when I have to be, even if I am a teenager now. "I've had it. I've had enough of you, your family, and this house. Which is why, you sack of slime, I'm going to make you a deal. Unless you want to go for another round?"

Vernon looked up in my general direction and reluctantly shook his head. Surprise, Surprise. He is reasonable after all. Let's go for what he really lusts after. Besides the secretary at his office. Definitely don't need that mental image, thank you.

"How'd you like to make some quid?" I ask.

Of course, his head snaps up at that. Who wouldn't want more money? I continue my explanation.

"Pay attention and you just might make some. Now, are you aware there are people watching the house? I doubt you've heard of them, but they're called the Order of the Phoenix."

He shakes his head. Guess he doesn't want to get hit again. Dammit.

"Here's the deal. With your help, I'm going to slip past them with my trunk and everything else. You'll never have to see me again. How's that?"

"What's the catch?" he said, in a soft voice. I can see him eyeing my closed fist.

"The catch is…you'll have to pretend I'm here. Do it for three days, and you'll get three thousand. As in pounds. Do it seven days, seven thousand pounds. I'm sure you can do enough simple math to see where this is going."

Some of the confidence returned to Vernon's face. I can see him thinking that this is all a joke, that I don't have any money and he's going to be able to whip me. Fat chance. Shame he was still on his knees, since my foot easily knocked him back onto his fat butt. I stood over him and felt around in my pockets before taking out Harry's moneybag. My fingers reached into the bag and pulled out a Galleon, holding it up to the light before I tossed it to him. Surprisingly, it landed quietly on his shirt pocket.

Vernon picked it up with a shaking hand. His eyes narrowed as he looked at the coin; meanwhile, I continued to do my bit.

"That, my dear uncle, is a Galleon. Gold Galleon, to be exact. My parents left me a whole room full of them. That doesn't count the main inheritance, either."

Anger quickly filled Vernon's eyes. Ah, yes. Money.

"All this time…" His voice raised up to its normal tone. Loud and Proud.

"All this time, you've been keeping this from us. And after all the money we spent on you." Vernon's voice thundered through the house as rage filled his eyes. "You ungrateful little son of a bi--"

I kicked him in the stomach. Hard. He rolled onto his side, coughing in fits, as I kneeled down next to him. Surprising how one's voice turns cold in situations like these.

"Watch your mouth, you bastard. So…where were we?" I calmly asked. Petuina and Dudley, meanwhile, aren't moving a muscle. I have to wonder if they're enjoying it or they want to know more about the money. Who knows?

"If you had ever known about the money, I would never have seen a dime of it. You would have spent it all on fat boy here," I said, lazily waving a hand towards Dudley. "But, like I said, this is your chance to make some money. The longer they don't find out, the more you get. I'll even make this easy for you and have the goblins wire it to your local bank."

Vernon's eyes bulged when I mentioned goblins, but he said nothing.

"I'll even throw in an extra thou. For old time's sake. Do we have a deal?"

For a long moment, Harry's uncle looked at me. Anger, greed, and rage were floating behind those fat little eyeballs of his. Greed, predictably, won out and he nodded.

"Fine, then," I said, smiling. "Here's how were going to do it…"

[fin/ende]

Next: Of Goblins, Cauldrons, and Plans