Lost in Harry Potter
by 80sarcades
A/N: Thank you for the reviews, alerts, and favorite story posts…they do make my day! I welcome more reviews, both good and bad; I'd like to hear what you think about it. Keep in mind that in this story I'm playing the role of Harry Potter and do not see my role as vengeance; instead, its taking the wrongs that happened and putting them right again. If the price of keeping the peace and Sirius Black alive is the demise of Voldermort and his merry henchmen, then so be it. I did say it would be brutal.
Rest assured, however; J.K. Rowling will be around in the next installment to deal with me…
Disclaimer: Does anyone actually believe that I own Harry Potter?
Chapter 4: Showdown, Part One
Some time later that morning, I reentered the magical world; I do have an appointment to keep. After stopping by Flourish & Blotts, I continued on my merry way through Diagon Alley. Hopefully, the Goblins got everything right. Should know soon enough, since I did tell the Dark Loser the time. If he has a watch, that is.
After waiting several more hours, I decided to give up. Which was probably a good thing, since I had nearly made it to the entrance at the Leaky Cauldron when I heard…
"POTTER!"
The verbal blast shattered a number of windows as a 20 foot tall vision of Voldermort appeared in the street in front of Flourish and Blotts. God, even a see through image of the Dark Tosser is ugly as hell.
I walked up to the image of His Ugliness and looked him straight in the eye. At least, I'm assuming red slits qualify as eyes. Meanwhile, everyone is giving me space by backing up or just outright running away. Even the Aurors -- the elite magical police! -- are retreating, and their hands are vibrating in fear. I have to hand it to the Dark Ugly, though: if he appeared in the flesh, everyone in the street would probably faint, collapse, and die. Pathetic.
"What can I do for you, Tom?" I said in a cheery voice. Let's see if I can channel an actor for my performance. How about the three greatest names in acting history: Richard. Dean. Anderson. Oh, yeah…
"Explain this, you impudent little brat," Voldermort spat, holding up a object. After a moment, I recognize the face of Bellatrix Black. More accurately, her severed head.
"Well," I said casually, "it's nice to see that you're getting some head, Tom, but really, don't you think she needs plastic surgery? And a body?"
Voldermort's face grew pale with rage as he tossed the head off camera. Before he could speak, I beat him to it.
"Were the heads gift wrapped, Tom? You know, I told them to use black ribbon, seeing as you got this dark thing going on, but--"
Voldermort interrupted with a loud hiss. I really hate that. You'd think that with all the trouble the goblins went through to decapitate the Death Eaters -- topping them off with the ribbons and the gift boxes; I thought that was a nice touch -- he'd be more appreciative, but no…
"SILENCE!," the Dark Lord yelled. "You have taken the lives of my servants, boy! You--" While he ranted, I quickly touched the tip of my wand to my throat and muttered 'sonorus' before speaking. Loudly.
"VOLDERMORT, SHUT UP!" I thundered, breaking some more windows as well as knocking down signs here and there. Awesome. Note to self: Never shout while using a voice amplification charm; tends to really break things. Fun, though.
I don't know who is more stunned: the crowd, still clutching their ears, or Voldermort. I wonder when was the last time someone told him to shut up? Certainly not after he mastered the Cruciatus curse, for sure. I canceled the charm and spoke in a normal tone.
"First, don't interrupt. Really bad manners, you know," I said, enjoying the shocked look on his face before I continued.
"I know that whacking your Death Eater buddies might seem like a bad thing, but you should look on the bright side. I mean, they were all pretty ugly anyway, probably couldn't get dates, and it'll improve the gene pool. Besides which, how long would they had sucked up to you anyway? You know, being a half blood and all?"
Oh, yeah. That did it.
"Half-blood, Potter? I will have you know that I am a direct descendent of the noble line of Salazar Slytherin…"
Voldermort continued on his rant, telling me about his destiny, what he would do to my various body parts, and so on. I ignored him and stretched while yawning. Loudly. Finally, his Darkness finished and I looked back at him.
"Sorry, your Highness. I was stretching. You know, lack of sleep and all. What'd I miss?"
If nothing else, anger seems to bring the pink to Voldermort's cheeks. Makes him almost look human. He was about to start again before I pulled out my umbrella, causing him to eye it curiously.
"Besides which, I don't really have to worry about you anymore. Pretty soon, you'll be dead," I casually commented. "With this little baby." I waved it around to show him and the crowd.
Voldermort laughed. Geez, even a happy laugh from him sounds evil. Have to remember it for Halloween.
"With a brolly, Potter? Perhaps you have finally lost your mind," he snorted. "Still, however, it will mean no mercy for you, when you meet my justice."
"Justice?" I had to laugh. Loudly. "No, this is justice, Voldie baby. Pretty soon, you'll know it." I hoped my guess was right as I pointed the umbrella towards him…
…only to have it wrenched out of my hand to sail towards Voldermort's image, where it disappeared in a flash of light. Portkey, I do believe, and right on time. Sure enough, the umbrella appeared in the Dark Lord's hand, larger than life. Voldieboy examined his new prize.
"I was going to save the portkey for you, Potter," Voldermort lazily drawled, "but this…this is more important. Perhaps, when I have solved its secrets, you will finally know the power I am truly capable of."
"You asshole!" I hissed. "You ended that sentence with a preposition!(2) You have no idea what you done!"
"I think not, Potter." The Dark Lord actually seemed amused. "How does this work?" He fiddled with the handle, obviously not used to muggle stuff. Meanwhile, the wizards and witches continued to look on, probably wondering if we had both flipped our lids.
"It won't matter, Tom," I said with confidence. "I still have the scientist who made it. Before long, Doctor Wile Coyote will make another one before you can learn its secrets. So prepare to die, Tommy boy."
I could hear a snicker behind me, obviously from one of the muggleborns. Ignorance does have its uses, you know. Especially when it comes to purebloods.
"Even in your arrogance, Potter, you let slip the name of your helper. Pathetic," he sneered. "Rest assured, I will find this Doctor Coyote and use him more…efficiently." Behind me, I hear more soft giggling and whispering. Someone has been watching their Looney Tunes, at least. Good for them.
"Good luck trying to find him. You never will!" I boastfully said as Voldermort fiddled with the release, convinced that he had the Holy Grail of magic. As his fingers finally found the catch, I raised my voice.
"I really wouldn't do that, you know," I said warningly. Too late.
The umbrella snapped open.
Meanwhile, high above the planet Earth….
Thousands of televisions went to static as Skynet 4F, a communications satellite parked above the United Kingdom, was suddenly pulled out of its orbit. (3)
Naturally, it took a few minutes it took to reroute the signals to another satellite. In the meantime, people panicked at the thought of not being able to watch the telly and find out what was happening to their favorite actors. They…God forbid…might actually have to talk to someone else.
A conversation! With other people!
The programmes returned suddenly; the crisis was averted.
"You have lost, Harry Potter."
Voldermort looked down at me and sneered yet again. Which was pretty impressive for someone without a nose.
I took a small ball out of my pocket and watched the color change from blue to red. Not long now.
"Don't think so, snakehead," I said. Jeez, his eyes really do flash red when he's pissed. "You know, you really shouldn't have opened the umbrella."
"And why not?" Again, he smirks. Not for long. "I will solve the secrets of this umbrella, and then I will come for you, Harry. It's only a matter of time.
"Fine choice of words. You know, if you really want to know how to work that umbrella, you should really put it over your head," I said.
"Why?" he asked, curious.
A dry laugh escaped my lips before I opened them again. "Well, I figure in about fifteen seconds a big old Muggle satellite will fall on your head, so that will give you just enough time to kiss your ass goodbye."
Damn. Two looks of shock on his face in one day. Wish I had a camera. He recovers quick, though. Have to give him that.
"What nonsense are you talking about, Potter?" Voldermort demanded. At this point, the Dark Lord persona is in full force. Ugh. People suck up to this?
I looked at the ball; it was blinking rapidly. Ten seconds. Time for the closing finish.
"Oh, and My Lord…" I commented sarcastically, "the Goblins have canceled your Horcrux life insurance polices on the grounds of being an asshole. All seven of them.(4) Thought you'd want to know."
Three looks of shock. Must be a record somewhere.
Voldermort turns to flee but not before I see the ceiling explode above him. His Ugliness vanishes under a lot of rubble as the viewer winks out.
Meanwhile, all the Wizards and Witches behind me are wondering: Did we just see the Dark Lord die? At the hands of Harry Potter?
Of course, I'm wondering where I can get some popcorn and butter. Especially the butter.
Damn magical world.
The celebration is short lived as Harry's name is once again shouted out in a yell:
"POTTER!"
The crowd parts to reveal Lucius Malfoy complete with his badass cane. Ah, hah! So he gave Voldermort -- excuse me, the late Voldermort -- my umbrella. If he wasn't ugly enough, I'd kiss him. Now that's a revolting thought!
Then again, I should really request a refund from the goblins; his name was first on the list to be whacked. Obviously, someone screwed up.
During all this he stood there, eyes narrowing, waiting for me to say something. Ok, I'll bite.
"What do you want, Malfoy? And be quick about it. I have to go wash out my socks." I said.
"Potter, I formally challenge you to a duel of family honor. Wands or swords, of course. Choose your weapon."
Say what?
"Duel of family honor? What the hell are you talking about? Voldermort wasn't even part of your family," I said, confused.
"Regardless, the challenge has been made," Lucius said in a cold tone. "Are you going to defend your family's honor, Potter? Or do you wish to forfeit your magic?" As he stands there, I can hear muttering from the crowd but no one tells Malfoy to shove off. Or at least hit him with a stunner. Cowards.
Ok, no way am I going to back down. Besides which, if I said 'go to hell' and walked away he'd probably just shoot me in the back. So I do the noble bit and stand my ground.
"In that case, I accept. Do we draw wands at dawn?" I dryly asked.
"No, Potter, right here should be sufficient. Since you are a bit…ignorant," he said, enunciating the last word, "on wizarding customs, I will tell you this: the Aurors, according to law, will not interfere. Before or after the fact," he drawled.
He's right. Of course, he's right. The Aurors, along with everyone else, are just standing there waiting for something to happen. I'm tempted to jump at them and yell 'boo' but I've got better things to do than watch people shake, rattle, and roll from fear. I look back at Lucius.
"So I can kick your ass and I can't get hauled to court for assault. Ok, that works for me," I said. "So now what?"
"First, of course, we bow. You do remember how to bow, don't you Potter?" Malfoy said lazily, enjoying the moment.
I'm sure that Harry remembers the proper way to bow. I'm also sure that if Blondie was a bit closer, I could kick him in the face when we did so and end this farce. Well, I thought it was cool when James Bond did it in The Man with the Golden Gun. Unfortunately, I don't think I can do a twenty foot kick. So, I bow and keep one eye on Malfoy. Pity such nice robes are wasted on a loser.
"Now, Potter…draw," he ordered. "As the challenged, you get the first spell. Do try to make it a good one, boy. I don't think Expelliarmus will work this time." Chuckling, Malfoy took out his own wand, pointing it towards the ground. Under normal circumstances, I don't have a chance.
Under normal circumstances, that is. On the other hand, I do have one last surprise left. And I do so enjoy getting in the last word. "Um, excuse me Mr. Malfoy, I do have a question about the whole 'duel for honor' bit."
If anything, Lucius looked amused. I'd bet ten galleons that he's wondering if I'm going to ask some stupid question, or beg for my life. Ah, well…
"You know, I'm still a bit confused. Was snakehead some distant relation or were you two getting it on? Because you could really do better, you know?"
It took him a good fifteen seconds to work out the 'getting on' part but when he did his face was red with rage. Meanwhile, I kept my mouth running.
"…hey, look at the advantages. At least when he was around you didn't need a nightlight, not with those red eyes…
"POTTER!" Malfoy screamed.
Despite the circumstances, I have to smirk. Oh, yeah. He's pretty pissed off now.
"Draw. Your. Wand," Malfoy ground out through gritted teeth. "Or forfeit your magic."
I shrugged my shoulders before plunging my hand into my robes, grabbing my wand even as Malfoy threw up a Protego charm. I brought it out with my right hand and took aim before I fired.
The .45 slug from the pistol I held passed neatly though his shield and slammed into Malfoy's chest, sending a small puff of blood into the air. Normally, bullets wouldn't even touch a wizard with a shield charm. Unless, of course, the friendly folks in Knockturn Alley charmed the bullet first. Meanwhile, Lucius gave me a stunned look before falling, face first, onto the ground. Which seems appropriate, since he'll join his master in hell.
Shame electronics won't work with magic, or I'd package the shocked looks Malfoy and the Dark Loser had given me and sell them as Potter's Greatest Hits. Damn. Why is it that I have the good ideas but can't make money off of them? Definitely not fair.
The crowd finally woke up from their self-imposed stupor and started clapping. Then cheering. Then hollering when it sinks in that Voldermort and his demented goons are gone. Smiling, I take a deep bow towards the ground…and the cheering stops.
Instead of cobblestones, I'm staring at carpet. Red and gold, actually, with really ugly patterns. Suddenly, a woman's voice pops out of nowhere.
"Would you like some tea?"
[fin/ende]
Next: Showdown, Part Two: J.K. Rowling's Revenge
A/N:
(2) Classic Richard Dean Anderson line from Stargate: SG-1. Couldn't resist using it.
(3) Actual satellite, albeit a military one.
(4) There were actually seven Horcruxes: the ring, diary, cup, locket, diadem, Nagini, and Harry Potter. I threw the diary in with the ones the goblins destroyed. For the purposes of this story, Harry is in another universe and not on the same Earth, so Voldermort is mortal. Works, eh?
Please review and let me know what you think!