Thank you to all of those who read or/and reviewed the last chapter, your comments where all appreciated and very encouraging, as I am glad to see that I am handling this story well. Thank you to:
Butterflyswest, siddika, modscho and Updates-Please.
The song in this chapter is 'Crawling', by Linkin Park.
Chapter Eight: Too Much Pressure
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
'You have to try, I know it'll be hard, but it will help'
Ray looked down at his hands in his lap, and took in what Luka had just said, the older man still looking at him, waiting for him to say something, or do something, anything that would show what Ray was feeling at that moment. But his face was blank, and Luka couldn't see his eyes because of the way which he was sitting, and the truth was, it scared him the fact that Ray hadn't said anything.
Leaning over and placing his hand on Rays shoulder, his touch gentle, as so not to startle Ray, Luka was about to repeat what he had said, when Ray replied,
'It doesn't mean that it didn't happen…and that I won't always remember that it did' His eyes had been fixed on the same spot as he said this, not blinking and his voice was void of emotion, his face still not showing how he was feeling.
Taking his hand off Rays back, but moving so that he was sitting closer to him, feeling awkward sitting so far away from him, even though it was only one seat, Luka leaned forward and angled his face so that he could look at Ray as he said in a sympathetic voice,
'It won't, but it'll let you share some of the load…you shouldn't have to carry something like that around with you all your life'
Leaning back in the chair, Ray ran a hand through his hair and let out a humorless laugh as he looked at Luka and said,
'Maybe I should have to'
Luka was honestly shocked by what Ray had just said, not being able to believe that Ray thought that he should have to suffer on his own, when he had friends who loved him like family, who where willing to help him whenever he needed it. Leaning back, and looking Ray in the eyes, Luka said in a gentle voice,
'Why do you think that?' wanting to know why Ray would even think that, let alone say it to him.
Shrugging his shoulders slightly, Ray shook his head as he said,
'Because it was my fault, I could have stopped him and I didn't, so why should you have to deal with it, when you did nothing wrong' Ray looked at Luka with sad eyes, truly believing that he had been to blame for what had happened, not only a few weeks ago, but all through his life. If he didn't stop him and brought it on himself, then why did he deserve people's sympathy?
Placing his hands on Ray's shoulders, forcing him to look at him, Luka said in a stern, yet gentle tone,
'It wasn't your fault Ray…none of this was, and don't ever think that it was'
Ray looked down, not able to stand the look of sympathy which was so clearly shining from Luka's eyes, something which Ray didn't think that he deserved.
'How can you say that it wasn't?' Ray asked, although his voice was somewhat quieter than it had been, Luka noted.
His hands still on Ray's shoulders, Luka blew out a small breath of frustration, more at himself than at Ray, angry that he wasn't getting through to him, helping him in the way which Neela had asked him to. He had promised her that, and he didn't want to break that promise. Moving one hand from Rays shoulder to the side of his neck, causing Ray to look at him as he did so, Luka looked Ray straight in the eye as he said,
'What age where you when he first did it?'
His eyes widening a little in shock at the question, Ray tried to pull back but Luka tightened his grip and repeated his question,
'What age Ray?'
Clenching his jaw as he felt the lump in his throat forming, a pool of tears beginning to form as his mind flashed back to that awful day, Ray said in a forced voice,
'Why are you doing this?' his head bent so that he didn't have to look into Luka's eyes.
In a much gentler voice, Luka said,
'What age?'
Wrapping his arms across himself as if he was trying to protect himself, although from what, Lukas question and the memories it brought up, the fact that he might realize that he wasn't to blame and would have to deal with it all, he didn't know.
'Sixteen' Ray said in a whispered voice, the tears threatening to spill over at any moment.
'Yeah Ray, you were just a child…so how was that your fault?' Luka watched as a tear fell from Ray's eye, quickly followed by another and another. Pulling him into a hug, Rays face buried in his shoulder as he quietly sobbed, Luka ran his hand over his back as he said,
'You can't blame yourself Ray, its not going to make things better just because you think that you deserved what happened' Pausing for a moment, Luka then continued, 'You never did, and it shouldn't have happened…but it did, and now you have friends who want to help you, so let us'
With his eyes still shut, the tears falling from them unchecked down his cheeks, Ray said in a strained voice,
'But you don't understand…I can't', his face still against Lukas shoulder, the other man trying to comfort him as best he could.
'I know I don't, but I know that you need someone to talk to…and we're always here if you need us'
Pulling back from Luka, Ray wiped his hand across his eyes, an embarrassed laugh escaping him as he said,
'I feel like such an idiot'
Putting his hand on Rays' shoulder, Luka looked at him with a small smile as he said in an encouraging voice,
'You're not, and you'll get through this. You have me, Abby and Kerry. Plus a girlfriend who loves you and would do anything for you'
Biting his lip, Ray leaned his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands as he said in a tired voice,
'I'm just so tired…of all of this'
Luka felt his worry reach a new level, what if Ray did something rash? His talk hadn't really helped, it just seemed to have opened up old, painful wounds, and now Ray seemed even worse than when he had first come.
He couldn't even begin to imagine how Ray felt at that moment, and the thoughts that were running through his head. He knew that he knew practically nothing of Rays past, so how did he know that Ray hadn't ever done anything before, like self-harm or even attempted suicide. He knew that his thoughts may be a little over dramatic to some people, but he was truly worried, and was afraid of what could happen. He would blame himself if it did. He knew that Neela was due back in a few hours, so he thought that maybe he could stay here until she was, and then he could tell her what Ray had said and see if she could even try and talk to him once more.
'I know…do you wanna see what's on T.V?' Luka suggested.
Lifting his head from his hands, Ray looked at Luka with a small smile and nodded his head, Luka picking up the remote and switching it onto the basketball. Ray knew that he couldn't kick him out, and he didn't really want to. He didn't even want to imagine being in the apartment on his own, his thoughts would just keep going back to all of the times his father had hurt him, and he would go mad. He was glad to have a friend like Luka, someone who didn't judge him, and as he said, was there to help him when he needed it.
It was a few hours later, and Neela was making her way up the stairs which led to her and Rays apartment. She had been thinking about him all day, and was glad that she was finally home. Pushing the key into the lock, Neela was shocked to see that Luka was still there, sitting on the sofa beside Ray, a few bottles of beer on the table in front of them, both men absorbed in whatever match they were watching on the television.
Walking over to them, Neela set her bag down, and dropped her keys on the kitchen table, a laugh escaping her mouth as both men shot their heads round to find the source of the sound.
'Hello boys' Neela joked as she walked over and sat on the arm of the chair beside Ray, her arms wrapped around him as she kissed him on the cheek.
Feeling awkward as he saw the look that passed between Luka and Neela, the latter obviously wanting to talk, but not wanting to say in front of him, Ray looked up and Neela and said,
'I'm just gonna get showered'
Nodding his head at Luka, Ray got up and made his way to the bathroom, and once he was inside, the door locked, he leaned against it, and heard the inaudible voices of Neela and Luka, his mind in no doubt as to what they were discussing. Walking over to the shower and turning the water on full blast, Ray leaned against the wall, and sliding down it he covered his head with his arms, his quiet sobs drowned out by the sound of the pounding water.
Outside in the living room, Neela waited until the door was shut and moved so that she was sitting beside Luka, her hopeful eyes gazing at him and asked,
'How did it go?'
Looking at the bathroom door and then back at Neela, remembering his conversation with Ray that afternoon, Luka said in a crestfallen voice,
'Not that well…he thinks it's his fault and he deserves it'
Shock visible on her face, Neela stuttered out,
'W-what, why?' She couldn't believe that Ray could think that he had some part to blame in the torture that monster had put him through.
'He said that he didn't, even though he couldn't, stop his father, that he must have deserved it' Pausing for a second, and then shaking his head, Luka added, 'he was just a child, how could he?'
Running a hand through her hair, Neela looked at Luka with a sad smile as she said,
'He couldn't…but he needs to realize that, and I don't think one of us talking to him is going to help. He needs professional help to get through this' Leaning over and hugging Luka, Neela said, 'Thanks for talking to him Luka'
Returning the embrace, Luka pulled back and said to her,
'I know, but I think that I just made it worse. I stayed because I was afraid of what he might do', he had a worried expression on his face, the exact same one soon finding its ways to Neela's as she gazed at the bathroom door, worried for her boyfriend.
In the bathroom, Ray wiped at his eyes and pushed himself to his feet, and remembering how he had felt relief a few weeks ago, he walked over and pulled the razor from the cupboard under the sink. Pulling his t-shirt off and throwing it into the laundry basket, Ray turned the blade over in his hand, wondering where he could do it somewhere Neela wouldn't see.
Looking at his reflection in the mirror, his ribs visible due to his slightly emaciated frame, due to the fact that he had barely eaten anything since the night his father had came; Ray lifted the blade to his chest with a steady hand, and dragged it across, watching as the crimson liquid, his life, flowed down his chest. He hissed in pain, but kept telling himself that he deserved it, that he should feel the pain that he had put Neela through.
Gathering up a wad of tissue, Ray pressed it to his chest, steaming the blood flow. After a few minutes, and a few more wads of tissue, Ray had stripped the rest of the way and jumped into the shower, feeling the cut on his chest burning as the water pounded over his body.
He heard the sound of the front door closing, and guessed that Luka had left. Rinsing the suds from his hair and body, Ray let the water rain down on him as he thought about what he and Luka had talked about. His mind had flooded with memories, and he hated the fact that he was so weak.
Stepping out of the shower, Ray quickly got dried and dressed, his clothes having been brought in before Luka had turned up. He was wearing a pair of old, comfortable jeans, and a plain t-shirt. Opening the door, Ray seen that Neela was sitting on the couch, but she immediately got up and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him on the mouth, a gentle kiss which showed all of her love for him.
Pulling back from him, Neela took his hand and pulled him over to the couch with her. Sitting down, Ray beside her, Neela looked him in the eyes, her concern and love radiating through them so bright, that it scared Ray that he was hurting her, or at least he thought he was.
'Ray, I was talking to Luka, and we were thinking' Neela paused a moment, finding it hard to say what she wanted. She wanted to help Ray, but she didn't want him to think that she was giving up on him. Continuing, she said, 'We think you need professional help, like a therapist who can help you through this'
Looking at Neela, Ray couldn't believe what she was saying. He didn't want anyone knowing, and she thought that he was going to tell a complete stranger.
When Ray didn't say anything, Neela placed her hand on his arm, and was shocked when he jerked it away from her, an angry, but more hurt look emitting from his eyes.
Pulling back, Ray stood up, and crossing his arms across his chest, Ray looked at her as she stood up too, and took a step towards him as she said,
'Ray, we only want to help you'
Laughing a humourless laugh, Ray shook his head and looked at Neela with tears in his eyes and said in a strained voice,
'No, you wanna 'fix' me like some broken toy…I told you I can't, why can't you just drop it'
Walking to his room, and not his and Neelas, she noted, Neela watched as he slammed the door shut, obviously upset. Pushing back her own tears, Neela walked over to his room and opened the door without knocking, and saw that he was lying on the bed with his back to the door.
Walking over, Neela sat on the bed beside him, watching as a tear rolled down his cheek and onto the pillow. Reaching her hand out to cup his cheek, Neela sighed when he tried to turn away from her and placed her hand on his shoulders, stopping his movements as she said,
'Will you just listen to me?'
Moving over on the bed so Neela had more room, Ray looked at her, not saying anything, but his face showing her that he was listening.
'I don't want to 'fix' you, I want to help you. You can't talk to us, so it might be easier talking to someone you don't know, someone that you don't have to see everyday?'
Biting the inside of his lip as he tried to stop his tears, Ray looked up at her as he said in a quiet, strained voice,
'I just wanna be back to normal'
Lying down beside him, Neela pulled Ray so that his head was resting on her chest, hers arms wrapped around him as he cried, exhausted and upset by the days events. Running her hand through his hair, Neela pulled him closer to her, wanting to have him in her arms, protect him from everything that she could.
O.K, what did you think? Please review and let me know, because I always take into account what you say, and I love hearing from you!
Reviews are my drug and I need a fix!