Well, after getting lots of nice reviews for the last chapter I thought that I would update nice and soon for all you lovely readers. As you will see, Ray is going to be a bit more OOC in this story, but I think that given the circumstances that is expected…so don't say I didn't warn you! And for all of you angst lovers out there, this story is going to become a treat for you all, angst galore! O.K, enough from me and on with the story!

Lyrics from the beginning of the chapter are "It's All Over" by Three Days Grace.

Chapter Eleven: And Now You're Dead Inside

It's all over for
You
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for you
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over

"I don't know Abby…he was supposed to meet me after work and he didn't…and you know how he's been the past few weeks, he hasn't been dealing with this…what happens if he's done something Abby…" Neela asked, the tears falling down her cheeks as she collapsed into the sofa, the phone still pressed to her ear.

"He won't Neela, he'll be fine" Abby said trying to comfort her friend as best she could. But the reality was she was just as worried for Ray as Neela was. She knew that he wasn't coping with it from what Neela had told her, and she just wished that there was a way for her to help him.

Wiping at her eyes, Neela looked over at the picture of her and Ray that sat on the table beside the phone. It had been taken last Christmas, when Ray had been unable to go to Miami to be with his girlfriend…although he had told her that he was visiting family…something she had learnt Ray would never do. They were both standing outside in the cold ambulance bay, Neela in her green scrubs and Ray still wrapped up warm in his coat, scarf and hat. He had his arm wrapped around her shoulders and she had her arms around his waist, laughing as he pretended to dump snow over her for hitting him in the ass with a snowball for lying to her. Picking up the picture, she sighed as she said to Abby,

"But what if he has Abby…I don't know what I'd do without him"

Just as she was about to tell Abby that she was going to go out and try and find him, she heard the sound of a key turning in the lock. Jumping from the couch, the phone still pressed to her ear, Neela heard Abby still on the other end trying to get her attention,

"Neela, are you still there?"

The door opened and Ray stepped in, soaked from the rain that had begun to fall twenty minutes prior when Neela was still coming home.

"It's O.K, he's back Abby…I'll call you later" Neela said before ending the call, dropping the phone to the floor and rushing over to Ray, wrapping her arms around him as she cried,

"I was so worried"

Three Hours Earlier

Getting dressed, Ray looked at the clock and saw that it was only four in the afternoon. Knowing that Neela wasn't home until six Ray grabbed his keys and left the apartment, deciding that a walk might be the best way to clear his mind.

Closing the door behind him Ray made his way down the stairs of the apartment building and out onto the street, turning left but not having a clue where he was even going. As he walked he kept thinking about how messed up his life had become over the past few weeks. Sure he and Neela had finally admitted that they liked, even loved, each other but he had wished that it could have been under different circumstances. At times he felt like he was keeping her stuck with him because she was afraid what he might do if she left him…and he hated himself for it.

And then there were the constant nightmares and flashbacks. He couldn't even get peace from everything when he was asleep anymore. What his father had done to him since he was sixteen years old was ruining his life and he didn't know if he could deal with it anymore.

Thought that this walk was mean to clear my head…not make things worse Ray thought as he walked on down the street, pushing his hands into his pockets as the biting cold nipped at his skin.

Walking on for a while longer, his mind filled with memories, things he wished that he could just block out and never remember. He didn't even realize that he had walked down to Lake Michigan until he was standing right at it. Walking over to the railing and leaning on it, Ray looked out at the water, thinking about what his life might have been like at that very moment if his father had never shown up. Sometimes he was so tired of everything that he wished there was just a way to get out…to not have to deal with it anymore.

He had been standing there for over an hour when rain began to pour down, pulling him from his thoughts. Looking at his watch he cursed when he saw that it was after six and that Neela was probably on her way home now. Deciding that he would walk past the hospital and see if she was there before going home, Ray turned and began to make his way back.

He finally reached the apartment building about thirty minutes later, soaked head to toe and shivering. When he had saw that she wasn't there he had gone straight home, knowing that she might wonder why he hadn't met her at work like they had agreed to. Walking up the stairs he pulled his key from his pocket and pushed it into the lock, pushing the door open. Stepping in, he looked at Neela, her face covered in tears as she stood a few feet from the couch, the phone in her hand.

"It's O.K, he's back Abby…I'll call you later" Neela said before ending the call, dropping the phone to the floor before she rushed over to him and wrapped her arms around him.

"I've been so worried" Neela said as she held him tighter, feeling him wrap his arms around her as he rested his cheek on her hair.

"I'm sorry" Ray said in a low voice.

Pulling back from him, Neela wiped her hands over her eyes, drying the tears away as she asked,

"Where did you go?"

Walking past her and into the kitchen, his back to her, Ray said,

"Nowhere…"crossing his arms over his chest loosely, Ray turned and looked at her with sad, tired eyes as he added, "I'm sorry I didn't meet you after work"

Shaking her head, Neela walked over to him as she said,

"I don't care about that Ray…I care about the fact that you left the apartment, no phone, no coat…and you won't even talk to me about it" Her voice lowered as she said the last part, watching as he turned his face away from her.

Walking past her, Ray said quietly,

"I'm gonna take a shower", but was stopped when she put her hand on his arm, her eyes burning with tears, her worry for Ray growing more and more as he pushed her away and wouldn't let her in.

"No Ray, we have to talk about this…you obviously aren't dealing with it and I want you to talk to me"

Pulling his arm away from her, but she still held on, determined not to let him walk away from her this time, Ray looked at her as he said,

"I am dealing with it…just because I'm not doing what everyone else wants me to it doesn't…it doesn't mean that I can't handle it!" He shouted the last part, causing Neela to drop her hand from his arm. Ray had never once raised his voice to her…not even when they were just roommates and they were fighting.

Seeing the look of anguish on Neela's face, knowing that it was him that caused it, Ray lowered his eyes as he said in a soft voice,

"I'm dealing with it" before turning and walking to the bathroom, leaving Neela to look after him with tears in her eyes. Sitting down on the couch, Neela held her head in her hands, wondering what she could do to help Ray if he wouldn't let her.

Closing the bathroom door, Ray pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes, feeling the burning moisture that was threatening to spill over. He was fed up crying over this whole stupid thing…and he hated the fact that it was beginning to cause him to change. He would never have yelled at Neela before, ever, and he had just screamed at her for no reason.

Sitting on the edge of the bath, Ray leaned his elbows on his thighs, his head in his hands. After a few moments he stood and walked over to the sink, looking at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were red with tears, a few having made their way down his cheeks. He had the beginnings of dark rings under his eyes from the fact that he hadn't been sleeping well. Yes, he had been asleep, but he was never rested afterwards. Leaning down under the sink, Ray pulled out the razor like he had done so many weeks before.

XxXxX

Slowly he stood up from his crouched position and lifted the blade up, turning it around in his hand, thinking of his next move, where would be the ideal place for him to give himself a relief from all of the stress. Looking down his reflection in the mirror he spotted the best place and slowly lowered the sharp razor down.

As he drew the razor across his hipbone he let out a small hiss as he felt the stinging sensation, but put it to the back of his mind, it was worth it if doing this would give him a sense of control for once in his life.

XxXxX

He recalled the feeling of control and release that it had given him…sure it was only a temporary thing but it was better than nothing, right? Pulling his t-shirt over his head, Ray tossed it to one side before lifting the razor again. Dragging it across his chest, just below his collar bone, Ray watched as the blood ran down his chest and abdomen, catching in the denim of his jeans and soaking them with a light red hue. Tossing the razor into the sink, Ray grabbed a handful of toilet paper and pressed it against his chest, allowing it to soak up all of the blood. He had to do this a few more times before the bleeding had fully stopped and then he pulled his t-shirt back on.

Opening the bathroom door, Ray walked past the living room, not in the mood for talking and into his old room.

"Ray" Neela called as soon as she saw him opening the bathroom door, surprised that he hadn't showered like he said he was going to, although she hadn't heard the water running and guessed that he just hadn't gotten in yet. When he didn't answer her, nor did he look at her, an expression of hurt and sadness painted across his face, Neela stood from the couch and walked after him.

Pushing the door to his room open, Neela saw that he was sitting on the bed facing the window with his back to her, his head lowered. Walking over and sitting beside him, her hand reaching out to touch him but pulling back, afraid that he would just leave again, Neela said in a soft voice,

"Ray…I want to help you and it scares me that you won't let me"

Getting no response from him, Neela leaned forward and tried to look at his face, to see if it would give any indication as to how he was feeling at that moment. However, he just turned his head away from her, too exhausted to run this time.

Moving so that she was kneeling in front of him, Neela took his hands in her own, feeling him tense up as she did. Looking at him, she said,

"Ray I just want you to tell me what's wrong…why can't you talk to me?"

Turning to look at her, Ray just simply shrugged his shoulders and sighed as he said in a voice just above a whisper,

"I don't know…I want to, but I…" pulling his hands from her, Ray buried his face in his hands, feeling the lump in his throat growing.

Moving so that she was sitting on the bed beside him once more, Neela wrapped her arms around him, leaning down so that her mouth was just by his ear. Whispering, she said,

"Why did you leave today…did something happen?"

Nodding his head, Ray squeezed his eyes closed as tight as he could, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall.

"What happened Ray, you can tell me" Neela said as she put one hand under his chin and lifted his face so he was looking at her. Her heart broke when she saw the pool of tears in his eyes and the way his lip and chin was quivering, trying not to cry.

"I just can't stay in this apartment everyday anymore…it's driving me crazy…All I do is…sit here and…think about it…all day" He choked out, a few tears falling down his cheeks as he did.

Pulling him to her, Ray wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her shoulder, Neela ran her hand over his back, trying to comfort him as she said,

"I'll talk to Kerry tomorrow and see if you can work a few shifts a week, that way you won't have to be here all the time"

Neela felt him nod his head as he shifted in her embrace, still crying as she held him, trying as best she could to make him better.

Knocking on the door to Kerry's office, Neela heard the older woman's voice as she called out,

"Come in!"

Pushing the door open, Neela offered a small smile to the Chief of Staff. Upon seeing that it was Neela, Kerry had stood from her seat and offered the younger woman a smile as she said,

"Hello Neela, please take a seat"

Sitting down in front of the desk, Neela looked at Kerry, whose face had a serious demeanor, as if she knew what, or rather who, Neela had came to talk about.

"I was wondering if Ray could be put on a few shifts a week?" she asked simply, knowing there was no point in skirting around the subject.

Kerry, who hadn't seen Ray since the day that his father had died, but had been informed of how he was doing regularly, looked at Neela was a curious gaze as she asked,

"Do you feel that he's ready for that yet?"

"Well, he says that sitting at home all day is just making him think about what happened…and I don't think that's really helping him deal with it any more than if he was at work"

Nodding her head, Kerry stood up and closed the door to her office, not wanting anyone listening in on the conversation. Sitting back in her seat, Kerry looked at Neela with a sympathetic smile as she said,

"I can see where you're coming from…but I don't know if that's really best for him. He can't ignore the fact that his father raped him by throwing himself into work, he has to deal with it properly"

Nodding her head in agreement, Neela replied,

"I know, and I don't want him to. I was suggesting maybe two shifts a week when either me, Luka or Abby is on shift…we can keep an eye on him and make sure he's alright"

Leaning back in her chair as she considered this, Kerry looked at Neela, the younger woman having a pleading look on her face.

"We'll see how it goes…but if he isn't coping with it and if he isn't then he'll have to get help coping with it so he is able to work" She trailed off, knowing that if Ray wasn't dealing then there were other a few other ways that they could help him.

Standing from her seat, Neela shook Kerry's hand and smiled at her as she said,

"Thank you Dr. Weaver…this means a lot to me that you're doing this for Ray"

Smiling herself, something Kerry Weaver rarely did in front of her co-workers, knowing that she had an image to up keep, one that kept them hard working, Kerry replied,

"He's a great young man, and I don't want to see him lose anything over this"

Leaving the office, Neela was glad that Kerry had agreed to let Ray work a few shifts a week. She just prayed that he would finally start to deal with everything and they would be able to live their lives without so much hanging over them.

AN: Well, I hope that you enjoyed this long chapter…and please let me know what you think!