Sorry for not updating this in a while…I had written some and then scrapped it all because I wasn't really happy with how it was. But hopefully you'll like the chapter. It's getting close to the end of this story now…. so I want to thank everyone who has read/reviewed the story. I'm really grateful for you all sticking with it!

The lyrics at the beginning of this chapter are taken from "On My Own" by Three Days Grace

I walk alone
Think of home
Memories of long ago
No one knows I lost my soul long ago

Chapter 15 – Losing Hold

Turning over in bed, Ray opened his eyes slowly to see that Neela was still asleep, the look of anxiety and tension still visible on her face even now. He knew that it was his fault that she felt that way, and wished that he could think of some way to make everything alright for her. To make it better and take all of the stress and worries away. Pushing himself up slowly, Ray swung his legs over the edge of the bed, putting his head in his hands. How could I have let it get this far…I'm hurting her and that's the one thing I never wanted to do. Looking at the clock he saw that it was nearly time for Neela to get up for work…which meant that she would want to talk. She hadn't pushed him to last night, but he guessed that was over the shock of his revelation of how exactly he had been dealing with everything. But he knew by the tense look on her face that she wouldn't let him brush her off this time. And as much as he knew that it hurt her when he didn't let her in, he didn't feel ready to talk just yet.

"Ray" Neela's quiet voice broke through his thoughts, still laden with sleep. Pushing herself up on her elbows, Neela looked at Rays back, as he had not turned around to look at her yet, and added, "What's wrong?"

Shaking his head, Ray looked down at his feet as he replied,

"Nothing" He knew that she wouldn't believe him, but said it anyway.

Pushing herself up, Neela got up from the bed and walked around beside Ray, sitting next to him, but not touching. She hated feeling so nervous around him, afraid of saying or doing something…but after last night she didn't want to push him away when it was clear that he needed her now more than ever.

"Listen Ray, I just want you to know that I'm here for you O.K…if it's to listen or just to sit here. I love you and I want to you know that"

Turning his head to look at her, seeing the love and sincerity shining from her eyes, Ray leaned forward and kissed her lightly, pulling back slightly as he said in a whisper,

"I know you do…and I love you too", before standing up and adding, "I'll let you get ready for work", and leaving the room.

Surprised by his change of character, Neela gave Ray a slightly puzzled look before getting her clothes and heading to the shower, a glance at the clock telling her that she didn't have time to sit around and mull over everything or else she would be late. And she needed to speak to Kerry Weaver today.

XXXXX

Exiting their bedroom, dressed for work in a pink shirt and a pair of black trousers, Neela saw that Ray was sitting at the couch, a cup of coffee in his hands, staring off into space, obviously caught up in his thoughts. Walking over to him, Neela sat down beside him, seeing him jump slightly as she startled him. Putting her hand on his arm, seeing the cut on it, the reason behind it making it so much more ugly in her eyes, Neela looked at Ray as she asked in a soft voice,

"If you want I don't have to go to work"

Shaking his head Ray looked at her as he said,

"No, its fine…I just…need to think for a while, you know?"

Nodding her head, Neela leaned forward and kissed him goodbye before leaving for work. Ray watched as the door closed before sighing and leaning his head back against the couch.

Pushing himself up he decided that he would get a shower and then go out. A walk would do him good and help him clear his head. Maybe then he would be able to think through things better.

XXXXX

"Call me if he's condition gets any worse" Neela said to Chuny as she exited the exam room, pulling off her gloves and disposing them in the sterile bin. Just as she was about to walk over to the admit desk and get another chart when Kerry Weaver stopped, a small smile on the other woman's face as she asked,

"Can I speak to you a moment?"

Nodding her head, Neela followed Kerry down the hall and into an empty exam room. It was rarely used and so Kerry was certain that there would be no interruptions during their conversation. Closing the door behind her, Kerry turned and looked at Neela with a sympathetic smile as she asked,

"I take it you're aware that Luka came and spoke to me last night about what happened in regards to Ray at work yesterday?"

Nodding her head, Neela replied,

"Yes, Abby came over last night and told me what happened…I don't think Ray would have to be honest", a sad frown forming on her face.

Sitting down on the end of one of the gurneys, Neela doing the same, Kerry reached her hand out and set it on top of Neela's as she said with a compassionate smile,

"And that's why Luka and I think that maybe he needs more professional help…if he can't open up to his friends then maybe he will to someone else who isn't so close to everything"

Shaking her head, Neela looked at Kerry as she replied,

"He's been going to see the therapist…but even with that look what happened yesterday. I just don't know what to do to help him", tears beginning to fill her eyes in despair.

Pulling a tissue from her pocket and handing it to Neela, the other woman taking it with a small smile before dabbing her eyes, Kerry gave Neela's hand a reassuring squeeze as she said,

"I agree. This is why I, and Luka, think that maybe spending a few days in the Boland Medical centre would do him good, give him some time to clear his head and think everything through"

Shaking her head, Neela looked at Kerry in disbelief as she said,

"I couldn't do that to him…he doesn't need that, he just…if he would just talk to me I'm sure that he would get better, he just needs to get everything off his chest"

Putting her hand on Neela's shoulder, Kerry looked at her as she said softly,

"But he won't Neela; you know that…he can't talk to any of us about it. I've talked to Dr. Mills and he thinks that it's the best option right now for helping Ray"

Knowing that Kerry was right, that Ray did need some time to think about everything and clear his head, she slowly nodded her head as she looked at Kerry before asking,

"But how am I supposed to tell him this…he won't want to go. I've known Ray long enough to know that he'll be totally against this"

Kerry nodded her head, knowing that Neela was right. Ray Barnett was a head strong young man who could be stubborn when he wanted to, so he wasn't going to appreciate the fact that his friends were only trying to help him…she knew that with the way he was feeling at the moment he wasn't going to see it that way.

"I know. That's why Luka said that he would go over and talk to Ray first if you would like."

Nodding her head, knowing that she wouldn't be able to do it, that she would let Ray talk her out of it, Neela stood up from the gurney as she said to Kerry,

"I'd better go and see him then, he gets off soon"

XXXXX

After getting showered and changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, Ray was quickly scribbling a note down to tell Neela that he had gone out for a walk and that he had his cell with him if she needed him. He had made the mistake of just leaving the apartment before and he had seen how much it had hurt Neela. He didn't want to hurt her again.

Just as he was about to go and grab his coat a knock at the door stopped him. Walking over and looking through the peep-hole he saw that it was Luka, confused as to what the older man was doing there. Opening the door he smiled as he said,

"Hey Luka, come in", stepping back to let him inside before closing the door behind him.

"Something wrong?" He asked, seeing the tense look on Luka's face. He knew that it wasn't anything to do with Neela as the hospital hadn't called, but that didn't stop the fear building up inside him. He had rarely seen Luka look so nervous before, the man before him usually so calm and collected.

"No, I just needed to talk to you about something" Luka replied, signaling for Ray to sit down.

Once they were both seated, Luka took a small breath before looking at Ray and saying softly,

"Abby told me what happened at work yesterday"

Running his hand over the nape of his neck, Ray looked down at his feet as he replied back,

"Should have seen this one coming", raising his head so that he was looking at Luka, he added, "I guess this is another "you need some more time off" speech, huh?", he didn't say it harshly, more expectant, as if he had known why Luka was here.

Shaking his head, Luka replied,

"Not exactly"

Confusion evident on his face, Ray looked at Luka as he questioned,

"What do you mean?"

"We're you're friends Ray and we care about you and just want to help you-", but before he had finished Ray stood up from his seat, brow furrowed as he said,

"I get it already, you all care…what's that got to do with anything?"

Standing up himself, Luka walked over to Ray, sensing that everything was just going to get a lot worse when he told him about staying at the Boland Medical Centre.

"We can see that you clearly aren't dealing with this and we want to help you"

Shaking his head, Ray let out a bitter laugh as he said,

"I am dealing with it" Ray replied back, his confusion slowly turning to anger. Why can't they just let me deal with it in my own way?

"Walking out in front of cars and cutting yourself isn't what most people would define as "dealing with it" Ray" Luka replied, seeing the look on Ray's face, like he had just been slapped. Luka had saw the cut on his arm when he first got there, Ray not wearing a jacket to cover it up as he had not expected anyone to come over.

"We think that you should spend a few days at the Boland Medical centre, clear you're head" Luka added, his voice soft as he looked at Ray.

Taking in what Luka had just said, Ray looked up at him as he said in disbelief,

"You want to lock me up like some sort of psyche patient?", but before Luka even had the chance to retaliate, to say that wasn't what they meant or thought of him, Ray had turned and began to leave, Luka grabbing him by the arm.

"That's not what we think Ray"

Trying to pull his arm free from Luka's grasp, the other man considerably stronger than he was, Ray looked at him as he said,

"Let go"

Shaking his head, determined to stand his ground, Luka stared Ray straight in the eyes as he said,

"No. I'm not letting you walk off this time. You think that you can deal with it on your own but you can't. You have friends who want to help you so why won't you let us?"

Still trying to tug his arm free, Ray looked up at Luka as he replied,

"Because it's my problem and I'll deal with it…none of you did anything to have to be saddled with it, so why should you?" Giving his arm a pull, still to no avail, Ray looked at Luka as he ground out, "Will you let me the hell go?"

Shaking his head, Luka looked at Ray as he said softly,

"You think that you done something wrong and that's why your father raped you and beat the crap out of you for so long…you think that you did something some bad to deserve that?" Luka felt his own heart break for his friend as he watched Ray turning his head away from him and squeeze his eyes shut, trying to fight the tears that were trying to break through.

"Please…will you let go?" Ray almost pleaded; his voice cracking.

Releasing his hold on Ray's arm, Luka half expected him to turn and leave the apartment, ready to go after him if he did. He was more shocked when Ray just slid down the wall, burying his face in his hands. Kneeling down in front of him, Luka put his hand on his shoulder, softly saying,

"It'll be O.K Ray", before pulling him into a hug, letting his friend cry into his shoulder, months of anguish and pain slowly pouring out of him.

AN – I hope that you enjoyed the chapter and please let me know what you think; I always love to hear your thoughts and feedback.