I'm guessing that an apology isn't enough to make it up to all of you who are still watching, so I want to also thank you so much if you are. I was so busy with college over the past few months that whenever I did get a free weekend to actually write something my muse just wasn't around. But now I am free and off for summer, so I think that's helped and so I give you this chapter, getting close to the end now, of "Bend and Not Break". I really hope that you enjoy it, and as always, please review and let me know what you think as I always love to hear your thoughts and opinions.

Chapter 16 – Barely Breathing

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart, That's still beating
In the pain, There is healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

He was broken. Completely and utterly broken and he knew that he couldn't live like this anymore. He had been trying for weeks to just act as if everything was normal, going through the motions he guessed, putting on an act, although it hadn't been a particularity good one. Everyone who knew what had happened could see through him like a pane of glass, everything on show as much and as hard as he had tried to stop it. Even though he had been hiding it for a good part of his life, pretending like he didn't have such a dark secret, the act was gone. He couldn't take it anymore, the realization of that finally sinking in as salty tears slipped under closed eyes and unchecked down his cheeks.

If he hadn't been so mentally and physically exhausted he would have moved off the floor, but he was and he couldn't. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that Neela was going to be home soon, that what Luka had said was probably going to happen and he was going to have to go to Boland Medical Centre for as long as they decided. He knew what he said didn't matter anymore. He hadn't exactly given anyone of them reason to trust him over the past few days anyway. His knees were pulled up to his chest, Ray seemingly trying to make himself as small as possible, his head resting on his knees and his arms wrapped tightly around his shins. Luka was sitting beside him, his long legs pulled up slightly towards himself, although not nearly as much as Ray's, as he looked over at the younger man, his friend, and felt nothing but sympathy and compassion for him. He had known that when he came over to talk to Ray things wouldn't go smoothly; he had been expecting a fight. But that didn't mean that it made it any easier for him to have to sit there and know that it was just going to get worse for Ray.

Glancing to the clock on the wall he knew that Neela would be home soon, and as much as he knew that she would want to comfort Ray and be there for him, another part of him knew that it wasn't fair to make her have to pick up the pieces every time. He knew Ray was reluctant to accept help at the best of times, and even though he and Abby were also his friends Ray hadn't exactly been forthcoming in showing how he really felt over the whole thing to either of them. Luka knew that he had talked to Neela a bit on some occasions, but it was obvious he was keeping more from them all than he was sharing.

But Luka didn't blame him for that. He couldn't begin to say that he understood how Ray felt or what he was going through. He didn't dare imagine what he must have been feeling the past few ten years of his live let alone the past few weeks. But he was going to make sure that Ray knew they were all there for him.

Reaching his hand out he lifted it just over Ray's shoulders, his hand holding steady just mere millimetres above before finally he softly placed his hand down, shocked when he didn't feel Ray tense up or jerk away from him as he leaned forward slightly and said in a soft voice,

"Ray?" Luka wasn't really sure what to say, this being one of the few times in his life were he didn't know the appropriate words that would make the situation better. He just needed to know that Ray was going to be alright, well, he knew that he wouldn't be alright. A few moments passed, although they seemed like minutes, the second hand on the wall clock resounded around the otherwise quiet apartment as Luka waited for a response.

When he had felt the warmth of Luka's hand as he had gently placed it on his back, Ray squeezed his eyes shut tighter, trying to convince himself that he didn't deserve to have friends that cared so much about him when he had been a complete ass to them the past few weeks. The internal battle within his mind of wanting to reach out and accept their help but also thinking that he didn't deserve it was driving him mad, Ray just willing that it would go away. He turned his head slowly when he heard the sound of Luka speaking, the sound of his voice as soft as the pressure of his hand on his back.

If he hadn't felt like a broken toy before he did now.

He didn't speak, but Luka didn't even need to hear him say anything. He could tell from the look on his face and in his eyes everything that he was feeling. The exhaustion was visible by the dark rings under now red rimmed eyes, the pallor of his skin much more evident to Luka now than it had even been before. As he looked at Ray now the first thought that ran through his head was how he looked younger than his twenty eight years, and that thought just making the situation so much worse.

"Do you want to talk?"

He considered it for a moment, no more than a few seconds ticking by on the clock before he looked at Luka and simply shook his head once, slowly. Luka looked at him with sympathetic eyes; a look Ray had grown more than accustomed to from the other man, as he added,

"Are you sure?" He didn't want to push it, but he knew that Ray needed to talk to someone, anyone, and if it was him then he would be more than glad to listen, to help in any way that he could. He watched as Ray pushed himself up so his back was now against the wall, his legs still pulled close to him, as he looked down and replied with a soft shrug,

"You actually think talking about it's going to help now?" his voice horse and broken as he spoke. His words were void of any emotion other than defeat, and so Luka knew that he wasn't trying to fight with him.

"It might", Luka replied as he looked at him, not wanting to push him into talking but not trying to discourage him either by not saying anything. It was the first thing Ray had said in nearly thirty minutes since he had broke down, the only words broken up between sobs as Ray blamed himself, clinging onto his Luka as if he had been his lifeline and he was afraid if he let go he would be lost forever.

"I hate him for it...for all of it" Ray surprising Luka by not shrugging it off like he had so many times before, although the emotion wasn't evident on the other man's face as he listened intently. Biting his lip he paused for a moment before continuing, "That day in the hospital when I heard what had happened to him I was actually glad...but it didn't make a difference, did it?" he asked, looking at Luka with tear filled eyes once more. He had honestly thought that once his father was gone from his life that he would have the weight of everything that had happened lifted from his shoulders and he would feel a sense of freedom. But it hadn't. His life had seemed like one giant downward spiral and nothing he did seemed to make it stop. He opened his mouth to speak once more, Luka thinking he was going to tell him more about how he had been feeling the last few weeks, but instead dropped his head a bit, he added, "I don't know..."

They sat there for a few more moments in silence, Luka not sure what to say and Ray fearing he had said too much. He didn't know what had prompted him to actually open up to someone, knowing that it hadn't simply been Luka's asking. Neela had asked him on countless occasions and he hadn't even felt like he could then. Maybe it was down to the fact that he was just so tired of fighting everyone, convincing them he was fine when deep down he knew that he was far from it.

"Whatever you're feeling at the minute Ray, we only want to help you...you know that right?" Luka asked, finally breaking the silence. He didn't ask in a patronizing or a chastising tone, but genuine concern. He wanted Ray to understand that they really did want to help him.

Nodding his head slowly, Ray didn't even look up as he replied quietly, barely above a whisper, "I know", before turning his head towards Luka and continuing in a slightly louder voice, "And I'm sorry for being such an ass to you guys when all-" , being cut off by Luka as he shook his head sharply and looked at him intensely as he said in a stern, yet somehow gentle voice, "Nobody blames you for how you're acting Ray...so you don't have no apologize"

He had heard Ray apologizing and blaming himself for so many things that weren't his fault or that were out of his control. Luka guessed that he had been doing it for so many years now it had became almost like a second nature to him, the thought saddening him somewhat.

Pushing himself from the floor, the position starting to cause his back to ache, Luka held his hand out to Ray and helped the younger man up as he said with a soft smile, "If I'm going to wait until Neela comes home I would prefer to be sitting on the couch"

He wasn't going to leave Ray alone, not after everything that had just happened and what he had just shared with him. He would stay until Neela returned and then leave the two of them to talk. He was certain that Neela would want to have some time alone with Ray when she got home and he would be more than happy to oblige. Luka knew that Neela loved Ray and only wanted what was best for him, so the fact that she thought that he should spend a few days at the Boland Medical Centre just solidified that it was what was best for Ray. Ray followed Luka over to the couch and sat down, not even arguing or telling Luka that he could leave, already knowing that his answer would just be that he wasn't. And to be honest he actually wanted someone there. True, the one person that he really wanted was Neela, but Luka and Abby were his good friends and he needed them as much as he needed Neela right now. He just didn't realize it until then.

Glancing at the clock Ray saw that Neela was going to be home any minute, and he knew that meant that they were going to have to sit down and have a serious talk about everything. Running his hand over the back of his neck Ray could feel his own pulse beginning to quicken, a light sweat breaking out over the palms of his hands and forehead. It was just like when he had been in the trauma room a few days ago, everything feeling too much. Dropping his hand he pushed himself off the chair and said to Luka, "I've just got to – I'll be right back", Luka pulling his attention away from the television screen, his brow furrowed in confusion as he watched Ray quickly walk over to the bathroom, the door slamming shut behind him in his haste. He could see the pallor of Ray's skin and knew that something wasn't right, pushing himself from the couch and beginning to make his way over to the bathroom door before hearing the sound of the key turning in the lock.

Inside the bathroom Ray's hands were gripping onto the edge of the porcelain sink, his knuckles white from the pressure as he gasp in greedy breathes to try and calm himself down, only causing himself to grow dizzy as he gulped in too much air. Squeezing his eyes shut he mentally chastised himself, "Come on, come on!" as he pushing himself away from the sink as he began to pace back and forth, the sports socks on his feet padding any noise, his hands behind his head, fingers locked together tightly as he tried once more to steady his own breathing. He could feel the beads of sweat that were covering his back, forehead and hands, wishing that he could just run and hide away from it all. But he couldn't. Luka was right out there and as soon as he opened the door he knew that the other man would only be there with more questions. Falling back against the wall, he let himself slide down it, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his head. His hands began to shake as his breathes began to come out as low sobs instead, Ray pulling his legs even tighter to himself as he realized how scared he was.

Dropping his arms so that they were now wrapped around his shins, Ray looked over at the door, his green eyes filled with so many emotions that it would be impossible to pin-point exactly what he was feeling at the moment, his gaze strong almost as if he was trying to see through to the other side, to see if Luka really was there waiting. Pushing himself off the floor, he wiped his hands over his eyes, before walking over to the door. Looking down at the brass handle, the globe reflecting the image of a damaged and broken man back, he wrapped his hand around it and turned, pulling the door open. Of course what he had been expecting to see on the other side of the door was far from the scene that was in front of him. Luka was gone and in his place was a concerned looking Neela, her brown eyes locking into his green ones. As the door closed behind him, the sound of the soft click of the lock as it fell back into place seeming multiplied through the silence in the apartment, Ray bit his lip as he glanced down, unsure of what to do. He knew what he wanted to do, he wanted to get out of the apartment and away from everything, his heart still thumping against his chest faster than it should as his brain ran over the millions of different scenarios that could happen if he did agree to go to the Boland Medical Centre.

Standing from the chair, Neela walked over to Ray, seeing the mixed emotions in his eyes as he glanced up at her abruptly, his expression blank but his eyes telling so much more than words ever could. Slipping her hand into his, she looked up at him as she said in a soft voice, "We need to talk", Ray pressing his forehead gently against hers, his eyes slipping closed as he replied in a whisper, "I know"

It was a few hours later and they were both sitting in the bedroom; Ray with his head in Neela's lap, one of her hands running through his hair the other rubbing small circles on his back. She had known that when it came down to them discussing Ray going to stay at the Boland Medical Centre that it wasn't going to be easy, far from it, but it broke her heart to think that she had caused him any pain. But deep down she knew what she was doing was the right thing, that she just wanted him to get help and get better. When she had told him that she thought it was a good idea, that she was agreeing with Luka, Abby and Weaver that it was the best thing for him, Ray had begged and pleaded with her to convince them otherwise, saying that he was fine and would be O.K. on his own. When she hadn't given in, something which had surprised even Neela herself, he had broken down in her arms. And that was how they how come to be in the position they were now.

"I'll call Roger in the morning and let him know what's happening" She had already discussed it with him and he had known that they were going to do their best to get Ray to agree to come in on his own. If he hadn't Neela was afraid what he might have done. When she didn't get a response from Ray, she then added, "Ray, we're only doing this because we love you", wanting him to realize that.

"I know", he replied, his voice horse with tears before he turned slight, causing her hand to move so it was resting against his stomach as he added, "I love you too and I'm sorry for all the crap I put you through over the past few weeks", Neela furrowing her brow as she reached her hand up and cupped his cheek, her eyes intense as she looked at him and said, "Ray, I would do anything for you", wanting him to know that he hadn't been a burden and she didn't regret anything at all.

Seeing the tired look in his eyes, his exhaustion evident, Neela looked at him as she said, "You should get some rest", Ray nodding his head. He could have went to sleep right there. The two of them moved so they were now under the covers, the warmth enveloping them both. Just as Ray was about to put his head onto the pillow, Neela pulled him to her, his head resting on her chest as she resumed her action of running her fingers through his hair. She needed this as much as he did right now, and so they both fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms.

Well, I hope that you enjoyed that angst filled chapter, and please review and let me know what you think.