The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers
by Rob Morris

( Five rather serious, almost pompous looking Japanese gentlemen enter an office of Monster Control Headquarters in Japan. Their motto: 'DaiKaiju: It's either them or us, and we kinda like us better'. They have rather grave expressions)

Official 1-"Gentlemen, the Monster Problem is out of control!"

Official 2-"If we don't do something soon, we will surely be replaced!"

Official 3- "Our military stands no chance against Godzilla and his like!"

Official 4-"And the contractors who build our weaponry won't keep us in comfort if their useless weapons have no buyers!"

Official 5-"Frankly, gentlemen, our military stinks. Why, just the other day, they were given a hard time by Goldar from Power Rangers!"

Official 1-"Gentlemen, we must find a way to keep our jobs! Who can fight these monsters for us?" (Nervously, looks through the phone book.)

Official 1-"Why, here it is! "The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers"-Kongs Konked, Mothras Swatted, Mechas mashed, and Gappas gopped off!"

Official 2-"They sound like true professionals!"

Official 3-"Let's call them before our performance is reviewed!" (Dials phone, gets response from nasal-sounding secretary)

Sec: "The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers, Hillari speakin: This week's special: We fight King, Death, AND Mecha-Ghidorahs all for one low price! What's that, Sir? I'll check. (Puts down the phone, but does not cover it) HEY, you bums! Somebody actually wants to hire yez! Can you BELIEVE it?( A sound of shuffling feet) Sir, they'll be right Over."

( The doorbell)

Official 4-"Could they be here so quickly?"

(Enter The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers-Moe, Larry, and Curly) All three: "Hello, Hello, Hello- -Hello!".

Moe: "Sir, where's theres monsters and money, we'll be there lickety-split!"

Curly: "Why, coitany! I remember the time that Red King stepped on that bank vault, and we helped ourselves to..."

( Moe slams a large ashtray into Curly's head, to get him to stop. Curly looks at him askance, but does nothing )

Larry: "Hey, you want I should set up the test weapon!?"

Moe: "Yeah, but this time, numbskull, aim it AWAY from our employers!"

( At this, the increasingly nervous officials step back )

Official 3-"Where did you men get such exotic weaponry?"

Curly: "EEEhhh, They're leftovers from the Power Rangers!"

Moe: "Yeah, its a sin what those kids throw away each year!"

( Larry stares at the machine, perplexed)

Larry: "Hey, Moe, I can't get any juice from this thing!"

Moe: "You stupe! You can't get any juice out unless you put some juice in." ( Points to wires on floor.)

Larry: "Curly, you get the wall, and I'll connect these two here". (Curly does as he's told, sending about a jillion volts through Larry, then through Moe, whom he touches, then Curly who tries to separate them. A shadow approaches the window.)

Official 1: "Oh, my, No! It is Rodan!" (Oddly enough, Rodan just kind of hovers menacingly while the Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers shake and yelp from the electricity)

Official 3-"Do something, save us, mighty Kaiju Killers!" (As fate would have it, just then, the device shorts out, sending an arc of energy through the windows, utterly frying Rodan)

Moe:" Did we get im'?"

Official 5-"You surely did, gentlemen. Look!"

( On the street below is a giant, prepared Thanksgiving Turkey on a giant platter)

Curly:"Boy, we sure gave that Boid the Boid!"

Official 4- "Indeed you did, Kaiju Killers. I am convinced. Will you fight the enemy monster on our behalf?"

Larry:"You got it, Sir! If its Ghidorah, we'll take him head-on!"

Moe-"If its Biollante, we'll kick his grass!"

Curly: "If its Megalon, We'll Moiderize im'!"

Official 1: "Indeed, you would. I only can hope you will do so well against Godzilla!"

Moe: "No problem, we'll just..(All three) NYNYNYANGYANG".

Curly:" Er, I just remembered, we gotta fight the Green Monster."

Official 2-"The Green Monster? I've never heard of him."

Moe:" Oh, he's in Boston, sir. We fight him every year from early spring to mid-September. We have season tickets" ( Now looking suspicious )

Official 2: "Oh, really, and what are this creature's distinguishing characteristics!?"

Larry:"Oh, sir. It's got 18 feet and wears Red Sox. Its goal is to rule the World (whispers) "Series".

Moe: "He always gives us trouble, sir."

Curly: "Fightin' the Green Monster requires a harsh diet of hot dogs, beer, peanuts, and those big pretzels they sell!"

Official 5-"But, Kaiju Killers. This is January!"

Larry: "Well, we have to be there for the draft picks, you know! (Sensing defeat, Moe pokes Larry in the eyes, then slaps them both)

Official 5-"Please, gentlemen-destroy Godzilla for us, Please!"

(Huddling together) Moe:" Look, we got no choice. We need the dough! Besides, how tough can this critter be?" TWO DAYS LATER, as the five officials are packing their things.

Official 1-"I must wonder whatever became of The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers. Godzilla left the city, but with a pronounced limp."

Official 2-"They are off on another adventure, no doubt, and wounded Godzilla before they left".

(Together) "ALL HAIL THE GLORY OF THE THREE FANTASTIC KAIJU KILLERS"

(Cut away to Godzilla, still limping. He pauses, holds up his foot's underside, where, now on Eternal Godzilla Watch, are The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers. Curly's causing the limp.)

Godzilla: -
DADNDATDATDAT-DAT