I'm Tellin' Ya About Godzilla!
By Rob Morris
(When Seinfeld finished in 1998, it contained a then-new trailer for the 1998 American Godzilla. Now, how much would both pieces have been improved if they had used the old model of commercials being a part of the show itself? Witness a very alternate Seinfeld finale…)
(In his apartment, Jerry sees the terrible weather outside)
Jerry : Not good…but why the evacuation order? I mean, that's a lotta traffic to deal with, just to get trapped in Jersey.
(Thunder outside grows stronger, but is ignored for now as George comes in)
George : Hey—you gonna evacuate?
Jerry : What is it with this evac stuff? I have three clubs to do this week. I am not commuting from Newark.
George : My folks wouldn't go either. My Mom was ranting about it on the cell phone---but then she screamed and hung up. Not that I'm complaining. What's that out there?
(They both see Godzilla in the distance)
Jerry : You don't see something like that everyday.
George : Guess my Mom's not calling back. I should feel free---and I do. Is that right?
Jerry : Did you wish for them to be stomped on by a giant monster?
George : Not—specifically.
Jerry : Then your hands are clean.
George : Yeah!
(Elaine walks in, exasperated)
Elaine : My boss up and decides that I'm not going on the company's annual Broadway jaunt. Says I'm not enough of a team player.
(Jerry is staring out the window)
Jerry : Did they go today? Because I can tell ya, the theater district is undergoing total remodeling.
(Elaine smiles proudly)
Elaine : Who's the team player, now? I—just happen to be the entire team.
George : Good for setting your own hours.
Jerry : Some of those paychecks are gonna keep coming for a while---Miss Head Of Accounting.
George : So what? You think some kid flushed that down the sewer one day?
Jerry : It would make me cranky.
Elaine : Plus, ya know, no one will rent to you then.
(Kramer walks in, looks at what the others are staring at)
Kramer : Ya know, I've been looking for a lizard like that for a long time now.
(The others turn, are almost tempted to ask why, but wisely choose not to)
Elaine : Newman's trying to deliver the mail down there. Is giant monsters in with that whole sleet, hail, dark of night thing?
George : And our big pal sees Newman. He's making a break for it in his mail truck---ooooh—too slow!
Jerry : He just never did well with lizards. I wonder if the post office is hiring now? I have this cousin who could fill his route.
Kramer : My millennium party reigns unchallenged! In fact---Newman's supplies should be completely unguarded.
(As they chatter, Godzilla smashes through Jerry's building; Jerry awakens hours later to see the dead burnt bodies of his friends)
Jerry : Please still be alive! Please still be---Thank God!
(We see that Jerry's beloved Superman statue has survived; He holds it up and Godzilla-roars in triumph)