First of all, thank you SO much for the great response. Reviews were great and many of you added this to your favorite story or story alert list, so thank you.

I would love to know what you all think. I absolutely LOVE reviews, I'm a bit insecure and it's nice to know what other people think. Besides, I'd like to reply back to thank you for reading.

I hope you'll al like this. I wasn't sure I was going to continue, but the amazing feedback made me want to do another chapter. I don't have anything else planned, but if I come up with something else, I'll definitely write it.

A baby doesn't want me.

She was in the OR again. It was quiet. Maybe too quiet.

Shoot me.

Gary Clark was pointing the gun at her. She was scared.

I'm your eye for an eye.

Derek was awake and looking up at her. He looked terrified.

You'd be good; you'd be a good mom.

And suddenly she was the one with the gun.

I pick you.

I choose you.

"Mer, Meredith…"

You don't get to die on me.

"Meredith, are you ok?"

Suddenly she heard a gun go off. Was it her the one who pulled the trigger? She couldn't remember.

And she opened her eyes widely.

"Mer, we're gonna be late for work, get ready, I made some breakfast," Lexie said looking down at her worriedly. "Are you ok?"

She cleared her throat, not really trusting her own voice and blinked forcibly trying to clear the fog off her head. It was a nightmare. "Yeah, I'm fine, I'll be right down."

"Ok," Lexie said suspiciously, but let it go for the moment.

Meredith got up and went into the bathroom to turn on the water. She waited until the steam filled the small space before she removed her clothes, partly because it was cold outside, but mostly because she couldn't bear to see her own reflection anymore.

She was tired of it. She was tired of the dark circles under her eyes, of the constant frown she couldn't seem to shrug off, of the pale tone of her skin and most of all she was tired of knowing she would have looked a little different by now, if nothing had happened. She would have been almost two months pregnant by now. And that made her angry and left her feeling drained, which led to the restless nights, hence the dark eyes, the pale skin and the constant frown.

"Here," Lexie said as she put her coffee and pancakes in front of her. "Eat," she demanded while trying to figure out what was wrong with her sister.

"Thank you, you didn't have to do this."

"Sure I did," Meredith gave her a friendly smile and ate her breakfast in silence. "I wanted to go in a bit earlier to check on Alex before rounds, wanna come?"

"Yeah, he's doing better, we took a walk yesterday."

"Yeah, he is. He should be discharged soon, it's just...there's no one to take care of him here during the day and he still can't handle the stairs, so," Lexie said with a shrug.

"You've really been there for him," Meredith said with gratitude.

She had too much on her plate to be worrying about Alex and she was glad Lexie was there, she wouldn't want him to be alone through this.

"Yeah, he needs me to," Meredith noticed the unease in her words and figured it had something to do with Mark. She had been watching them lately and she could see Lexie was having a hard time. On one hand she had Alex, who she loved and he needed her to take care of him, but on the other hand, Meredith was pretty sure Lexie was still in love with Mark. "Anyway, big day today, Derek's coming home."

Meredith sighed. "Yeah…" Lexie looked unconvinced.

"That's a good thing…right?"

Meredith looked uncomfortable and avoided her stare. She took her empty plate and mug and put it in the sink. "Yeah, it's a good thing, it's good. It's a great thing. Come on, we have to go if we want to see Alex first. Thanks for the pancakes," she said quickly as she ran upstairs to grab her things.

"Sure…"

"Yeah, I will…I'll be fine, mom," Meredith heard him speaking with his mother on the phone as she went into his room after going to see Alex. "The doctors wouldn't have discharged me if I wasn't good to go," he rolled her eyes at Meredith as he motioned for her to come closer. "Besides, Meredith will be there, I won't be alone," Derek said with a smile and looked down at her.

Meredith just gave him a smile that she hoped would look real to him and squeezed his hand.

"Mom, I have to go, Meredith's here and I don't want her to be late for work. Talk to you later, ok? Me too, bye."

He hang up and kissed her lips happily, "Morning."

"Morning, you're looking all bright and shiny today," Meredith said with a smile.

"I'm finally leaving this place."

"I know, although, there's not much more you'll get to do at home, you know that right."

"I know, don't worry, I won't try sky diving or bungee jumping, I just need to get out of here," he said with a smirk.

"Right, just as long as you don't try jogging or going to the woods, either, everything will be fine," she said with a smile. Something looked a little off, though, he thought as he took in her pallid and worn face.

"Are you ok? You look tired."

This was like the third time someone asked her the same thing today. Apparently her sleep deprivation was really taking a toll on her.

She waved her hand shrugging it off, "Yeah, I just didn't sleep much."

"Why? Everything ok?"

She hated that he could read her like a book sometimes. Luckily for her, her pager went off just in time.

"Yeah, don't worry; I'll come by at lunch so we can get everything ready to leave tonight."

"Ok," he said and pulled her for another short kiss before she left.

Truth was, everything was not ok. There was something seriously wrong with her, she thought. Everyone was so intent on reminding her that her husband was coming home today, as if she didn't already know; everyone loved saying what a great day it was, as if she didn't already feel guilty enough because she knew that's what she should be feeling, but wasn't.

He hadn't told Derek about the nightmares. Or the crying. He was having a hard time with the aftermath of the shooting too, but apparently he was taking it much better than she was, and she wasn't the one who got shot.

She needed to not think about it, so she was glad when she found out her page had been a massive car crash with at least three surgical patients. That would get her mind off everything else.

A few hours later, after she had scrubbed in with Hunt, she was walking quickly to the bathroom before she went to the gallery in OR 2 where apparently Cristina was doing a kick ass procedure. She was almost running through the halls when suddenly she bumped into someone.

"Sorry," she said quickly and lifted her head.

"Dr Grey," the older woman said surprised.

"Dr Wyatt, I'm sorry. How are you?"

"Good, good. I haven't seen you in a while. I heard about Dr Shepherd, how has he been?"

"He's ok, he's doing great. He's going home today, actually," she guessed she should act like a normal person and tell her the good news.

"That's good. And how are you?"

"Umm…you know, I'm…," she hesitated. She wasn't sure what to say, especially to this woman, who would easily see through her lying.

"Fine?" Dr Wyatt said with a small smile.

She had always had that something that made you want to talk to her. Well, that was her job, after all, Meredith thought. And she was pretty good at it.

"No," Meredith said smiling back. "I'm not really fine, I just…I have to be," she admitted quietly.

"Why?"

"Sorry, Dr Wyatt, I can't do this right now, I need to be somewhere else…," she said apologetically.

"Ok, but Meredith, I'm free at one, if you want to talk."

Meredith started to shake her head, but suddenly she remembered her dreams.

I chose you. I pick you.

"One o'clock?"

"See you there."

"Thank you," Meredith said sincerely and ran to the OR before texting Derek to cancel lunch.

"So, you said you had to be fine earlier. Why?"

Meredith looked intently at the fish tank in Dr Wyatt's office. She hadn't been there in a while and the truth was she had thought about going a few times after the shooting, but there was always something more important to do.

"For Derek, he needs me right now and I can't just…I have to be strong for him."

"And how's that going so far?" Meredith's eyes snapped back at Dr Wyatt.

"Excuse me?"

"You don't look very…strong."

"Right, so has everyone been telling me today," Meredith said with a sigh as she rested her head on the back of the couch. "I haven't been sleeping much. I've been having these nightmares."

"About the shooting?"

She nodded, "Different versions of the shooting. Sometimes I'm at the catwalk, where I saw him get shot and Gary Clark shoots himself right after shooting Derek. Other times I'm in the OR and Derek's awake and panicked. Sometimes Clark kills Cristina. And sometimes I shoot Clark."

"You were in the OR?"

"I went in when I realized he was there. I needed to save them."

"What do you mean?"

"I told him to shoot me, instead" Meredith knew Dr Wyatt would think she was being careless with her life again, but it wasn't like that, not this time. "I didn't want to die, if that's what you're wondering. It wasn't like the other times."

"I wasn't, I was just thinking you're a very brave woman, that's all," Meredith looked at her surprised. Dr Wyatt had never been one to give compliments.

"I thought Derek had died, that day. To make Clark go away, one of the doctors unplugged his wires and he flat-lined, that saved him, I guess."

"You guess?"

"I've been forced by Cristina to let everyone know she was the one who saved him, not Avery and his quick thinking," she said with a smile which quickly faded, "Besides, I…it was a very clever thing Avery did and I'm sure it did save Derek's life and I'll always be in debt with him for that, but I can't stop thinking that maybe, if I hadn't thought he was actually dead, it wouldn't have got to be too much to bear," she said with a quivering lip.

"What do you mean?"

"I had a miscarriage that day. And I know it could have happened anyway and that I'll never know the real cause…but, still, I had a miscarriage that day," she repeated in a whisper.

"I'm sorry, Meredith."

"Yeah, who would have thought, right?" She said with a strangled laugh, "That I'd be all heartbroken over this," she wiped away her tears and smiled at the psychiatrist.

"Of course you are."

"I just, never thought this would be something I wanted, you know? And now, I can't stop thinking about what would have been and if we should start trying after he recovers. I keep imagining this baby and this life…I just…I don't have the strength to keep doing this, I can't," she took in a few deep breaths and Dr Wyatt waited a few minutes until Meredith was calm enough to speak again.

"Have you talked to Derek about the nightmares?"

"No," she said shaking her head. "Like I said, he needs me to be strong; he's the one who got it worst."

"Was he?"

"He's been in real pain for over two weeks and he's better now, but, he shouldn't have to deal with me on top of everything."

"But he's going home today," Dr Wyatt stated.

Bingo, Meredith thought. That was the problem; Derek was coming home and he would realize she wasn't fine as she wanted him to believe she was.

"Yeah, he is."

"Meredith…"

"It's just, he's been strong for me so many times before, I feel like he deserves the same treatment. I can't break in front of him, he shouldn't have to see me toss and turn every night because I can't get these images out of my head and cry over nothing just because I'm terrified of losing him and too scared to be a mother," she blurted out and closed her eyes in exhaustion.

"Were you happy, Meredith?"

"What?" She said opening her eyes as the question caught her by surprise.

"Before it happened, were you happy about the baby?"

She remembered the feeling she got that day before the shooting when she made the connection between her nausea, vomiting, sore breasts and the fact that she was late.

She remembered the rush while she was looking for the pregnancy tests that morning.

She remembered the anxiety while waiting on the results.

And she remembered the utmost happiness she felt when she saw that one word.

"Yes."

"You want that back?"

"Yes."

Dr Wyatt looked at her for a few seconds so she could process what she had just said.

"Talk to Derek, Meredith. I don't think he needs you to be strong if that means you're hurting all on your own. If I remember well, he's a very caring man and I'm sure he would hate to know you're having such a hard time without asking for his help. Talk to him."

Meredith nodded and thanked her before standing up to go back to work.

"Meredith? One more thing, I know this has nothing to do with what you're going through right now, but I just thought I should tell you, you've come a long way," Dr Wyatt said sincerely.

"Thanks," Meredith replied back with gratitude.

"Ready to go?" He said excitedly as he stood up after she walked into his room that night.

"Can we talk first?" She asked with a smile and sat down on the bed.

"Sure, everything ok?" He said as a concerned frown settled over his features.

She took a deep breath before answering to him, "I haven't been sleeping well…since the shooting," she admitted looking down at her feet.

"Ok," he said quietly while sitting down next to her.

"I've been having these dreams, nightmares really and I can't sleep. And the truth is, I've been trying to be fine when I'm with you, because I wasn't the one who got shot and I didn't lose you, or any of my friends and we're all fine, except I'm not," she looked at him sadly with tears in her eyes and gave him a pathetic little smile which he mirrored.

"I can't stop reliving seeing you get shot and Gary Clark pointing a gun at Cristina and at me. I keep reliving losing the baby and the worst part is, that I can't stop thinking about how happy I was that morning, I can't stop thinking about how much I wanted it and about my stupid fears when you told me you wanted to have kids and how maybe I didn't want it enough," she said with a shrug.

"Mer…," he said sadly and started to rub her back.

"No, let me finish," she needed to do this. "Maybe I didn't want it enough before, but I loved it the moment I knew it existed and I want one, I want us to have one, I want to give you a baby, but I'm scared to death of not being able to take care of it like I couldn't take care of the one we lost and I need you to know how I feel, because I can't do this without you," he smiled at her and brushed away the few tears that had rolled down her cheeks.

"And I know you still have recovery ahead and that you don't need any more trouble, and I want to take care of you, but I can't keep trying to hold it together or I'm gonna fall apart and won't be able to help you get better. This may be selfish, but I need you here for me, I can't keep faking strong and fine, because I'm not, I'm scared, exhausted and completely freaked out about how much losing the baby has affected me. So, I need you to take care of me too."

She looked at him directly in the eyes and he leaned forward to give her a soft kiss, "Mer, I don't need you to be strong, I'll be alright if you're with me, that's all I need. We'll take care of each other."

She nodded as she sniffed and smiled at him.

"And Mer, you wanted it enough. You loved it and I love you for that. We're going to be parents and we'll be great at it," she let out a strangled laugh and he loved that he could make her smile when she was feeling like this. "We'll learn as it goes."

"Ok," she agreed. And she believed him.

"I'm glad you told me this."

"Thank Dr Wyatt," she said.

"You talked to her?"

"I think I'll be seeing her for a while," she said with a shrug.

"That's good," he stood up in front of her and hugged her tightly.

"Derek?"

"Mmh?"

"Let's go home," she said looking up at him.

It was a good day after all.

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Thanks for reading