Author's Note:
Hello everybody. I am terribly sorry for the slow, slow update.
Here is the (hopefully) anticipated episode where Himaru meets the Akatsuki!
I apologize for any OOCness because with Himaru around, anything's bound to happen!
Haha, hope this cheers up your day or at least lighten up the somber mood caused by An Unexpected Reunion(which I believe I will be updating tomorrow).
Hope you like it!
"Oh Daddy~" Himaru sang, once he entered the house as he got back from school.
"What?" Hidan spat, crossing his legs on the couch.
"Tomorrow is 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'!" The child exclaimed excitedly, "Since Mama doesn't have a job, you have to take me to your workplace!"
"What the fuck? Is that supposed to be educational to you brats?" Hidan sat up a little more straight, alerted by the news.
"Mhmm," Himaru nodded, "You don't have to fight shinobis if you don't want to, I just wanna visit your home. Like the home where you and Goddaddy Kakuzu go to meet your boss, the major pimp of all pimps and hoes!"
"Oh, like the headquarters?" Hidan smirked, "That's cool, I can do that."
Uh, fuck yeah! Going to the Akatsuki base and hanging out was so much better than letting his son witness a sacrifice made for Jashin-sama or bounty-hunting trip with Kakuzu!
No gore for Himaru, that was what he had promised Kiyomi.
"Would it be safe?" Kiyomi asked quietly. She was perched next to him on the couch.
"Mhmm," Hidan nodded, "Don't worry about it, I'll warn the other members first about this lil' brat coming in. It's just an afternoon, chillax!"
Kiyomi muttered something about his vocabulary before standing up from the sofa. Hidan reached for her wrist and whispered, "I promise I'll keep him safe. It'll be educational!"
She smiled in appreciation, "Thank you, that's rather responsible of you."
"Duh, no shit!" He shook his head in an as-a-matter-of-fact fashion, turning to his son, "Okay, kid. You better start taking notes," Hidan cleared his throat, his tone had the tiniest hint of evilness, "There are a few things you should know about my 'colleagues'…"
"Daddy, this is your workplace?" Himaru exclaimed once the two albinos entered the Akatsuki headquarters. It was in a well-hidden cave, where inside were tunnels that led to different rooms.
"Something like that!" Hidan patted his son on the shoulder, "You can go explore for yourself. If anyone threatens to kill you, it's okay. You can't die anyway."
"Cool!" Himaru jumped up and down, dashing away into random rooms.
The first room he barged into was occupied by a blond teenager, who turned around to look at the little intruder.
"Are you the little Hidan?" Deidara asked, examining the kid from head to toe.
"Yuh-huh! I'm Himaru!" He grinned at the artist standing in front of him, "Are you Dei-chan? Ohhh, Daddy was right, you sure are gorgeous!"
"What?" Deidara asked, "Hidan said that?"
"But you're so pretty," Himaru pouted, "Why would you treat yourself like this?"
"Like what?" The blond artist raised an eyebrow, "Being in the Akatsuki, un?"
"Prostitution!" Himaru corrected him, "You might get STDs and also wreck peoples' families. I heard you were an artist, why don't you stick with that?"
"Who---who said I was in that sort of shady business?" Deidara couldn't believe his ears, "I'm an artist full of inspiration, creating it by explosion!"
"Say whatever you want," Himaru folded his arms across his chest, "I bet you can make an awful lot with those horny hands of yours."
"What?" Deidara consciously glanced down at his palms with mouths on them.
"If a customer wants to see them French Kiss, would you do it?" Himaru's eyes sparkled in curiosity.
"Hell no!" Deidara clenched fists, angrily.
"Oh no! you're smothering them, don't do that!" Himaru pulled at Deidara's wrists.
"Hey kiddo, what 'cha doing here with Dei-chan?" Hidan joined them.
"Auntie Dei-Dei won't let me see her hands make out!" The boy huffed like a brat.
"Oi, Dei-chan! Just make my son a bird or something and he'll stop bothering you." Hidan gave his sincere advice.
The blond artist shot the Jashinist a death glare before letting his left-hand mouth chew out a chunk of clay.
"Eww, why would anyone want those freaky hands?!" Himaru's face scrunched up in distaste, "Edward Scissorhands have more convenient hands than yours."
"Who's that? An unknown artist?" Deidara snorted, "I'll make you a signature piece, a bird. Is that okay, kid?"
Himaru shook his head, "No, I want a bunny! A bunny that can hop around in my pocket!"
The blond bomber rolled his eyes, sculpting the chunk of clay into a little rabbit, "There, un."
"Hey, you make sure that damn clay rabbit isn't explosive." Hidan warned, settling a hand on his colleague's shoulder.
"It won't." Deidara chuckled. He added just a little surprise for the kid, since he did in fact call him a 'her'. Auntie Dei-Dei, seriously?
"Oh, so cute!" Himaru exclaimed the clay bunny hopping on his palm. Then it suddenly went 'poof'! A tiny explosion occurred, startling the boy, "Ahh! My, my! Auntie Dei-Dei, you sure are feisty! I bet customers love you."
Hidan shot Deidara a glare before shoving his son away from that terrorist. Hah, his son did in fact listen to what he said and insulted this pain-in-the-ass unintentionally. Brilliant!
"I'll see you around." Hidan told his son, swaggering away after 'rescuing' him.
Himaru grinned, "Bye, Daddy!" He skipped to the lounge area and spotted a person with a ponytail sitting silently on the couch.
"Hi!" Himaru grinned at the Uchiha.
Itachi's sullen face turned slightly to face him.
Slightly dazed by the Uchiha's red orbs, Himaru's jaw dropped open, "Wow, your eyes are like, really really pretty!"
Itachi couldn't help his lips to curve up into a little smirk, but he still said nothing.
"You're kind of scary," Himaru pouted, "What's up with you not talking?"
Itachi just continued staring emotionlessly at the boy. This made Himaru feel weird and shy. He put his hands behind his back and stood in front of him giddily.
Itachi still didn't talk.
"It was nice meeting you, Auntie Itachi!" Himaru scurried over to give him a hug, "You're really pretty! I hope you quit from your profession soon!"
Itachi froze at what he heard the little albino called him. But before he could say anything, Himaru had already ran away.
"Where you going, buddy?" Hidan asked, as his son bumped into him in the hallway.
"Auntie Itachi scares me! Her eyes are pretty though." Himaru nodded.
"Did you tell 'her' that?" Hidan asked, skeptically.
"I sure did! You said it's nice to point it out whenever you see a hot chick!"
Hidan cackled in delight, slapping his thighs, "Now you run along now!"
"Hello!" Himaru knocked on the door before entering the room.
Sasori looked up from the table. He was currently carving a marionette.
"Wow, that is sooo cool!" The silver-haired boy exclaimed, running over to sit on the chair next to Sasori, the puppet master.
"H'm." Sasori replied, still cradling the small piece of wood in his hands.
"You must be my Uncle Sasori," Himaru kicked his little feet under the table.
"Are we related?" The redhead put down his work and peered at Himaru with his eyes.
"Duh, no!" Himaru stuck out his tongue, "But I do wish I had those kick-butt art skills like you! You are very talented."
"You like art?" Sasori raised a brow skeptically.
"Well, you're obviously more gifted than Auntie Dei-Dei!" Himaru nodded, "I heard my Daddy say you make puppets like Pinocchio, that's so cool!"
"Do you want to try being Pinocchio?" Akasuna no Sasori asked with an evil smirk.
Staring at the shinobi in front of him, almost paralyzed, Himaru nodded, climbing onto the puppeteer's lap, "I trust you, Uncle Sasori!"
The red-head attached chakra strings to the boy's head and arms, causing Himaru to burst out into giggles, "That feels funny! Make me do a chicken dance!"
Sasori lowered the minor to the ground
"Hey, hey, hey! Watch it, ginger fuck-face! That's my son, not a fucking toy!" Hidan snarled, pulling his son away from the puppeteer.
-Insert poorly written transition-
"Oh, is this your son, Hidan?" Konan asked, her voice had a laid-back tone to it. She didn't even take interest, just simply shooting Himaru a glance.
"Yeah." Hidan nodded.
It was fresh to see a kid around, so Konan attempted to start a friendly conversation, but her tone still remained icy, "So what's your name?"
"Talk to the hand." Himaru held up his palm, ignoring her. Hmph, he wished he had Auntie Dei-Dei's hands so they could stick their tongue out at this woman!
"What's his problem, Hidan?" Konan demanded, coldly.
"He errrr…has some issues with you." Hidan laughed pulling his son away, "You shouldn't be that mean to your Aunt Konan, she might paper-cut us to death!" He whispered to his son.
"Hmph, like you said, we can't die!" Himaru huffed, "Mama doesn't like her, so I don't like her either!"
"How do you know your mom doesn't like her? They haven't even met!" Hidan chuckled.
"Duh, she's jealous of your colleague!" Himaru answered, "And you better not pick a blue haired woman over my beautiful Mama. That's just wrong."
The boy's father laughed heartily, "Yes sir! Now, do you wanna see my boss?"
"Totally! How can I visit the 'Kick-Butt Brothel' and not meet the ultimate pimp-leader?!" Himaru chirped, tugging on his father's wrist, "Whee!"
"Oi! Leader!" Hidan kicked open the door.
"Whoa, so kick butt!" Himaru joined in the holler with a series of hand-clapping, "Dun dun dunnnnn! Oh the mighty-pimp of all whores, show your face!"
The edge of Hidan's wide smile on his face froze. Pein had his back against them but Hidan could merely see a vein bulge on Pein's forehead. Hmmm…he's never seen Leader been so annoyed, what would it be like to piss him off for once?
"Your son, Hidan?" Pein spoke.
"Hah, you bet!" Hidan threw an arm around the little albino's shoulder.
"I might want to say to you don't want to test my patience." The leader of the Akatsuki warned, his voice ice cold, almost identical to Konan.
Hidan's jaw dropped open; he hadn't even started to swear or goof around yet!
Fuck, was Pein-sama psychic or what?!
Oh yeah. He was.
"Fine, whatever!" Hidan snorted, "I'll kick your pierced ass another day, just not when my son's watching!"
"We'll wait and see." Pein still didn't bother to turn around to look at them.
"I wonder what the Pimp with a capital 'P' looks like!" Himaru looked up at his father, who was too busy cussing and muttering things about Jashin and Pein.
Not interested in any way whatsoever, he skipped away, "Whoa!" He shouted, bumping into a tall man.
"Watch where you're going, little buddy." The man answered in a low voice.
"Sorry." Himaru chewed on his lip, nervously.
Gee, this man sure looked scary! He was the tallest man he had ever seen: even taller than Goddaddy Kakuzu! But that's not what made him scary: it's that he had blue skin and sharp teeth, which resembled a shark! Himaru didn't like sharks, not one bit!
"Did you happen to see Itachi-san?" The man asked.
Himaru tilted his head, "You mean Auntie Itachi? I sure did! She's sitting in the lounge, waiting for a customer! She looks pissed, though."
"Did you just call him Auntie Itachi?" Kisame burst out into a chuckle, "Of course he's pissed."
"She is a he? Oh phooey, what kind of twisted place is this?" Himaru exclaimed, smacking his forehead in disbelief.
"This is the Akatsuki, nothing is predictable." Kisame explained concisely.
"You mean she's a…drag queen?!" Himaru's mouth shaped into a capital 'O'.
"You must be Hidan's brat." Kisame smirked. Only that silver-haired motherfucker would have the guts to talk back to Leader Pein or Itachi. Like father, like son.
"And you are Uncle Kisame!" Himaru wrapped his arms around his thigh, giving him a warm hug, "I have a question for you."
"And what is that?" Kisame arched an eyebrow.
"Is that supposed to be a fin on your head or that's just your hair styled like that? Because either ways, it's cool!" Himaru beamed up at the blue-skinned man.
Kisame gritted his teeth, his fists clenching, hesitating whether to kill the kid or not.
But Himaru beat him to it, "Na-na! You can't kill me, I'm immortal! Like my Goddaddy and Daddy!"
Mumbling a few foul words, Kisame walked away. Yes, he was the mature one.
"Oh boy, you must be Uncle Veggie-Head!" Himaru cheered when he saw Zetsu entering the living room.
"What?"
"Ahahaha, it's a little Hidan!"
"Shut up!"
"Ohh, you're not only a vegetable, but also 'skittles'!" Himaru beamed in surprise, putting a little hand over his heart, "I'm so sorry."
"What's 'skittles'?!"
"I think he means schizophrenic."
"Yup, yup! The black one's right." Himaru clapped his hands.
"I'm gonna eat him, I swear to god…"
"Hey! Don't mention that bloke's name in front of my son, you talking flytrap!" Hidan barged into the room, pointing a finger at Zetsu.
"Like father, like son." The plant-like man sighed wistfully and left the room.
"Hey, Zetsu-san!" Tobi waved at the disturbed Zetsu who pushed past him. He himself skipped to the living room, spotting Himaru and Hidan.
"Ugh, that's the idiot I didn't tell you about," Hidan whispered to his son, "He's Tobi, he's hyper and retard."
"'Retarded', not 'Retard', retard!" Himaru giggled at his father's mistake.
The Jashinist smacked his son on the head and frowned. He did not want Tobi anywhere near his son. Because the two of them were too alike; they would cause utter chaos.
But it was too late.
"Ohhhh!" Tobi chirped, "Who's this?"
"I'm Himaru!" The boy waved at the masked man.
"Nice to meet you, Himaru! I'm Tobi!" He introduced himself, "And I'm a good boy!"
"So am I!" Himaru clapped, running over to shake hands with him.
"No you're not…" Hidan muttered, collapsing down onto the sofa, massaging his temples.
"I like bunnies, balloons and butt-kicking shinobis like my Daddy!" Himaru started to chat with the hyperactive Tobi.
"Tobi likes to dance and follow Deidara-sempai around!" Tobi cried, "Oh, you might just be my soul mate, Himaru!"
"I don't know what that is, but yayyyy!" The seven year old held both hands with Tobi as they started to spin around in circles screaming "Yay!"s' and chanting "Tobi and Himaru are good boys"!
"Ahhh! Stop it!" Hidan cussed, slamming his fist on his thigh.
The two of them continued to sing and dance and jump and prance around the living room.
"Please make them stop." Deidara came out, sounding like he was awoken from a nap.
"Come join us, Deidara-sempai!" Tobi yelled.
"Yeah, come, come! Auntie Dei-Dei!" Himaru bellowed enthusiastically.
"I told you this was a bad idea." Kakuzu punched Hidan on the arm.
"Hidan, if you don't get your son to stop, I will make him my dinner."
"But Tobi's finally got a friend of his kind!"
Then, a silent Itachi wandered into the living room and stood beside his fellow Akatsuki members, staring at the hyperactive duo with his dark ruby eyes.
"Ahhh!" Himaru immediately let go of Tobi and dashed onto his father's lap, "Take me home now, I think I've had enough today!"
Hidan secretly appreciated the appearance of Itachi to silence his son; but he didn't know why the Uchiha had such an impact of both of them…maybe because he was the complete opposite of them. Hmph, that weird-eyed, quiet, creepy-ass pansy!
Being loud, spontaneous, masculine and simply fucking sexy was the way to go!
"Let's go, son!" Hidan grabbed his son's hand, heading towards the door, "Toodle-loo, motherfuckers!"
"Bye, Auntie Dei-Dei and Itachi and every other ho in the house!" Himaru waved at the Akatsuki with a goofy grin on his face.
"Goooooooddd Byyyyyyee, Himaru!" Tobi waved twice as enthusiastic to his new-found yet quickly separated soul mate.
"How was that, kiddo?" Hidan asked his son on their way home.
"Refreshing," Himaru nodded, "Not exactly educational, but soooo fun!"
"Good. Because I'm never taking you back there again." Hidan patted his head.
"Why?!" Himaru whined, "But I want to hang out with Tobi! And Uncle Sasori's cool too…why can't I go back? You can't, Daddy, you can't do this! I wanna, I wanna!"
Seeing his son on the verge of annoying tears, Hidan gritted his teeth, not believing himself saying this, "You can't and you won't. You wanna know why?"
Himaru sniffled, blinking up at his father with his watery, innocent, wide violet eyes.
Hidan took in a deep breath, "Because, like you said, that's a whorehouse. If you play or hang out with them, you will get STD and die. "
That's what he said.
A/N:
Bahaha. I did it. It took me a while to write, phew.
Like I said, I will be updating the last chapter of An Unexpected Reunion tomorrow. Be sure to check it out!
Reviews will afford condoms for the Akatsuki so no one will suffer from STDs!