Disclaimer: I own none of this, otherwise it would have been stupid to read the books – I mean, they'd be mine. How cool are they, by the way? And if the show was mine, I would have resolved the Nate\Blair\Chuck issue with much nudity, or, you know, at all.

Summary: More often than not, Blair and Chuck have conversations that Blair later edits out of the perfect movie that is her life, never to be remembered again. Starts from the Pilot and goes from there.

Pairings: Primarily Chuck\Blair, but all the cannon pairings – which, this show being awesome, would take about three pages and would look like the alphabet gone mad (Example: C\B, C\N, S\N, S\D,)

Spoilers: Every chapter would center on a new episode, so…

So… seems I am a bit late. I'm so sorry! The reviews for last chapter were so delicious and wonderful and I kept wanting to write and STUPID WORK GOT IN THE WAY. Damn you, stupid work. Any-way, while phone conversations are nice, I've decided it's time to bring Chuck and Blair back to the streets, where they can light trees on fire with their sizzling sex-appeal. Besides, those phone bills were probably starting to take a toll on both families, wouldn't you say?

Enjoy!

:-:

Chapter 6

A Handmaiden's Tale

Spotted: Is N falling asleep on his watch?Seems like he's in for a nasty surprise. B and C, alone and suspiciously amicable? This is getting old. I'm dropping this story until they drop the clothes. Wake up, N. Soon you'll have no one to kiss when the clock strikes twelve.

:-:

He was such an idiot.

Making an appointment with Blair on a Saturday? Was he insane? Blair was probably up since dawn, and she would come soon, bouncing around, full of spirit and pep. God help him. He was a bit hung over; though he was ashamed to admit it. He had drunk a bit too much last night, and the trustworthy hangover medicine didn't quite do the trick.

He buried his head in his hands, trying to save himself the humiliation of falling asleep on a picnic table.

Gossip Girl would have a field day.

He tried to think about sex and loud music but his eyelids felt heavy and unresponsive.

So consumed he was with not falling asleep, he didn't notice Blair approaching him quietly. And just as he was about to surrender to sweet slumber, regardless of the location, she leaned close to his ear and called: "Good morning!"

Chuck almost howled miserably at the general direction of the moon.

Blair gasped, barely concealing the smile from her voice. "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that too loud?" she chirped, still way too close to his ear.

"A tad," Chuck moaned.

"Did I hurt you?" she asked, placing a delicate hand on his back.

Chuck couldn't help smirking. With Nate as her boyfriend, it was so easy to play the brooding, pouting card on her. It was almost ridiculous. "Look, I'm not dying or anything," he assured her, amused. "Just… the volume?"

Blair gasped again, sounding even faker. "Oh my God, Chuck!" she practically shrieked, causing him to double over with a pained groan. And to think, he would usually give quite a bit to have her screaming his name like that. "I'm so sorry!" she continued to yell. "I didn't mean to hurt you!"

"I can see that," he said weakly. Chuck buried his head even further into his hands in a failed attempt to lessen the splitting migraine that attacked him. It felt like a train was running from one ear to the other. It felt like sheer torture. That bitch. "You know, for a minute there I thought you cared."

Blair's cocky smirk was released at last as she took a seat next to him. "Which goes to show how much you underestimate my dislike of you," she hummed.

"You say dislike, I hear Unresolved Sexual Tension." He glanced at the cups in her hands and his eyes brightened. Already he was feeling better. "Hey, is that coffee?" Coffee sounded good right now.

She sighed, as if chiding herself. "A gesture of good faith of which I am ashamed."

"Why?" he asked softly, patronizing her. "It's so adorable. You brought me coffee."

"I figured you just woke up," she mumbled, lowering her eyes. How embarrassing. This was definitely the last time she was doing anything nice for this jerk.

But Chuck, bastard that he was, refused to just let her crawl under a rock. "So you've decided to pamper me?" he cooed. "This is so sweet. I might just melt away."

"Don't tempt me into repeating the vampire jokes from yesterday," she said, annoyed. "They get really old, really fast."

She was blushing! Aw. Someone wasn't in their best element this morning. How very refreshing. Chuck made it his life mission to take every opportunity he got to manipulate. Whoever, whenever, wherever. And Blair Waldorf had to be the icing on the cake and the cherry on top. He flashed her his most charming grin. "Can I tempt you into a walk instead?"

Blair mock-gasped. "But Chuck! That would almost be romantic!"

"Almost?" he groaned. "What does a guy have to do to satisfy you?"

"Do you really expect me to answer that?" she asked with a smirk.

He smirked back, interest piqued. "Yes. With detail."

Bair rolled her eyes but was obviously too tired to rebut that comment. He extended an arm to her, which she took warily, as if he was about to either chuck her in the lake or try and pry her clothes off while she was feeding the ducks. People had such a negative opinion of him. Why was that? Couldn't he just be after a nice, relaxing walk with a beautiful girl on his arm on a late autumn morning?

Okay, even in his head that sounded weird.

This felt rather pleasant, thought, like a scene from an old movie.

After exactly seventeen seconds, Blair's curiosity got the better of her. "So what's this business model thing all about, anyway? You didn't spill any details."

He winked, "You couldn't even make it all the way around the lake?"

She sighed. "Chuck, can't you let it go for three minutes? This is early morning for me, too."

Chuck halted dramatically. "My-oh-my, you overslept?" he drawled teasingly. "Gracious. I thought you'd wake the girls at seven sharp for a group jog."

Blair laughed, "Yeah, right. And ten minutes later this park would be littered with unconscious teenaged girls for all of New York's rapists to enjoy." Either that or the girls would use her for target practice.

Chuck raised an eyebrow at what had to be the creepiest mental image ever. "Sometimes your sense of humor is more twisted than mine," he said dryly.

"Not often, though," she snapped.

"Speaking of twisted," he nudged her shoulder slightly, his smirk returning with renewed glee. "Were you girls naughty last night?"

She shrugged, "-ish."

Chuck struggled not to skip around with joy. His toes curled but he remained somewhat poised. He turned to face her. "Oh, do tell."

Blair shrugged again. "Katy and Iz made out."

He sneered, "Whatever. They do that for fun."

Blair laughed, "I'm sure you'd like to think so, but they actually… don't."

Oh, whatever. He was eager to get to the good stuff. "And what did you do?"

She considered this a while, before her face broke in wicked grin. "I think I broke up a wedding and got a receptionist fired."

Lovely. "A casual Friday night," he hummed, squealing like a little girl on the inside. He was enjoying this way too much; even he had to admit it. Some would advise him to seek counseling. Of course, those some were miles off his radar. "How'd you manage that, though?"

The twinkling mischief in Blair's eyes almost had Chuck jumping into the lake – such was his need for a cold shower right about then. "A little kiss and citing names of various drugs."

He raised an amused eyebrow as millions of different scenarios ran through his head. "… Right."

"Also, I almost got Little J arrested, but she managed to wriggle her way out of it, unfortunately," she sighed in distaste. "That would have been a wonderful ending to a perfect evening."

"What'd you have little Brooklyn do?"

"Why, steal from my mother, of course," she drawled, smirking at his comical expression.

Chuck laughed heartily. "And you call me a deviant?"

"You are a deviant."

He fingered one of her brown locks, "Clearly, so are you."

Blair grinned broadly, seemingly pleased with herself. "Thank you. It was good fun. However, I am a bit hung over so if you could please get to the point…"

"My point is that you're not as innocent as you'd like people to believe," he drawled, renewing their abandoned stroll around the lake.

"No, you moron," she chuckled. "I meant, about why you dragged me here?"

"I'm thinking of investing in a club," Chuck blurted, looking intently at a poor white duck that never dreamt of such hostile attention.

This time, Blair was the one to freeze. Clearly, they would never complete the round. "Excuse me?"

The duck quickly swam away and Chuck was brought back to his senses. What the hell was he blushing for? He was Chuck Bass. The day he got embarrassed would be the day Nate got a clue. He turned sharply to her, and with his chin raised, declared: "I? Was thinking- yes, yes, I know, never a good idea," he said, rolling his eyes as she went to quip something of this nature. "-of investing in a club."

"Are you serious?" Blair asked incredulously.

His chin was raised even further, almost to the point of cramping. He was being somewhat ridiculous. It was a rare sight, indeed. "Yes, I'm serious."

She narrowed her eyes. "What kind of club?"

"The kind I'm guessing you wouldn't approve of," he smirked, breaking into a renewed stride to stop him self from giggling. Her painfully natural reaction broke his embarrassment. She didn't seem surprised at all that he would decide something like this, just wary of his motives. He was ashamed to admit that it stirred something very deep inside him – a fluttering of sorts. Honestly, sometimes he was such a sissy.

Blair raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Okay, if you were looking to get me in as a partner, that was definitely not the best sales pitch you could have used."

Pfft, yeah right, though he could picture her as a severe Madame, whipping the rest of the girls into obedience. Hmm. "No thanks, princess," he smarmed, regaining focus. "Though I have to say it sounds tempting. You would bring extra class to what would already be a pretty classy joint."

Blair's face was priceless and totally worth the idiot he had just sounded like. She cringed adorably like her prissy rich girl status that she reveled in.

"If you refer to any place in this world as a classy joint, it immediately negates its class," she lectured, hoping to never hear something so horrible ever again. Classy joint. Ugh.

"See? You're already coming in handy," even he could admit that his smile was slimy.

"How wonderful!" she chirped. "Except I totally refuse."

He shrugged, "It's alright. I won't hold it against you in a year or so, when you'll beg me to let you in."

Blair rolled her eyes yet again. And so soon since the last time. It made him giddy in the rawest childish instinct, similar to the gratifying affect that pulling her hair always held. "Truly, that's very thoughtful of you," she said. "But, if you weren't looking for a business partner or a good slap of reality, what do you need me for?"

He stopped, turning to her arrogantly. It was actually becoming absurd, the way they stopped and continued like broken toys. "Sadly, I have yet to become the unstoppable tycoon I will surely be in three years tops." Blair's sneered. He ignored her to blurt quickly: "Which means I have to ask for my father's help."

The sneer melted from her face. "Oh. My condolences." Was he dreaming, or was she actually being sympathetic? Goodness, was it time for the frogs to rain already?

"Thanks," he answered easily.

"Though I still don't see what you need me for." Her smirk was the picture of condescension and was topped only by the hand she placed on his shoulder. "Look, Chuck, if you wanted a heart-to-heart, all you had to do was say so." She leaned closer to him. "I'm here for you. Alright?"

Bitch. Two could play that game. He leaned even closer and tugged one of her curls again in a way he knew she hated. "In what way are you… here for me, exactly?"

Blair didn't flinch back. Instead, she asked, with the sweetest tone: "Have you ever been kicked in the shin? I hear it's quite something."

"Usually I'll try anything once," he drawled, his eyes lowering to her lips for emphasis. "But in this particular case, I think I'll pass."

Blair pulled away, sighing. "Will you please, for the love of God, tell me what you need me for? Before I decide the blackmail just isn't worth it." They both knew this was a bluff from beginning to end. Truthfully, she would rather circle the lake for all eternity than have Chuck say anything to anyone about her short-lived modeling career.

"I need your help with writing a business proposal."

She was startled at the honest, direct answer. Rumor had it that the last time Chuck Bass answered something without adding an innuendo and/or quip was somewhere around the beginning of the millennium. Her eyes narrowed into slits. "Are you serious?"

He nodded. "My legendary skills of persuasion don't work against Bart, I'm afraid. He requires efficiency, thoroughness, and a guarantee of success." He took her cold hand in his warm one and grinned, closing the little space between them. "Aren't those your three defining qualities?"

Blair rolled her eyes good naturedly. "Flattery will get you nowhere, Chuck."

His thumb drew sensual circles over her mount of Venus. "That's a lie and you know it." It was possible that he was slightly overdoing it with all the touching. He was dangerously straddling the line between harmless flirting between friends and… very harmful flirting between friends. It was also possible that Blair shivered slightly. "Will you help me?"

She cleared her throat primly and ignored that feeling in the pit of stomach which was nothing. "I thought I was obligated to."

He chuckled softly. "I was trying to be polite."

"And I appreciate it," she said, her composure mostly regained and firm. "But please refrain from trying to play me in the future. It's annoying and usually doesn't work."

Chuck refused to let her ruin the moment. Not that there even was a moment to ruin, of course. It was just the principle of the thing. He was being seductive with no purpose and he didn't appreciate being interrupted while doing it. "I'll keep that in mind. Of course, I assume you work better when you actually want to," the last part was said in a suggestive purr, begging the question: want to do what?

Blair turned away, contemplating the water. Her hand – he made sure – remained fixed in his. It was obvious that she was at least sort of curious.

"A business proposal?"

"If it works, it can go on your resume," he hummed, playing on all her vulnerabilities at once. "Blair Waldorf, charitable and corporate."

"I've never done anything like this," she said slowly, frowning. "I'll have to do some research." She smiled sweetly at him. "Correction: we'll have to do some research. I may owe you, but you are not dumping this on me."

Whee! "Whatever." It was only fair. "Is that a 'yes'?"

A smirk formed on Blair's lips. "Can I persuade you to beg?"

Not usually, and especially not when he held embarrassing information over her head, but hell, why not? He took her other hand in his and brought them both to his lips. "If this works, you will have my undying gratitude. And, someday, maybe even some stocks in Bass Jr. Empire," he whispered. She hesitated and he pulled her closer without making any sharp movements. "Besides, you're always telling me to do something with myself, aren't you?" He lowered his head but kept his eyes on her as he went for the kill. "Help me?"

Blair was actually a little startled at how… smoldering he was being. What the hell? Did the guy just not see the line when it was staring at him straight in the face? She found herself a bit lightheaded. Screw the bad boys of the world. She'd gladly vote to castrate them all, always dirtying the minds of innocent girls.

Still, shivering wouldn't help her case. She cleared her throat. "Well, since you ask so nicely… I'll think about it."

He planted another soft kiss on her palm and whispered. "I couldn't ask for more."

What the F? Forget startled; she was terrified. Actually, she was experiencing something she hadn't experienced in a while: sexual tension. Nate had the sweetest smile, angelic and warming, but he rarely even looked her in the eye anymore. And anyway, right now, she couldn't remember Nate or the concepts platonic and innocent. Chuck radiated something animalistic behind that soft purr, like any minute he would press her against the nearest wall and…

Chiding herself, she focused on something else. Anything. She wouldn't pull back first. Her pride didn't allow it. "Look, I… I have this ball to plan, but… I'll see you tomorrow at my house, okay?" Her voice was squeaky and revealing and she hated it. She cleared her throat and turned back into the ice princess she always was and always would be. "We'll go through my mother's papers, see if we can find anything. We can try at your father's as well."

Chuck resisted a smirk. He always knew no girl could be totally indifferent to him – even if he did have to put in considerably more work for considerably less gratification. Not that he was complaining, mind you. The strange fluttering dissipated into a pleasant feeling of warmth that spread all the way to his toes. "A ball?" he asked casually, enjoying her discomfort.

Let go, let go, letgoletgoletgo. "Uh… yeah. A masquerade." For her and her boyfriend – Nate – to reunite and renew their love. Ah. That did the trick. She disentangled her hands from him and took a step back; slipping back into the comforting image of the no-nonsense hostess. "For next weekend. Invitations will arrive shortly."

"A masquerade?" he grinned. How invigorating. "I can't wait."

She straightened her back with a sneer, rebuilding much needed boundaries between them. "You'll have to."

Well, well, look who was all fussy all of a sudden. Hot and bothered much? "Are you sure, though?" he winked wickedly. "Masquerades are dangerous. You never know who you'll end up kissing at midnight."

Not you, smarmy dumbass. "I'm quite sure of whom I'll be kissing at midnight, thank you very much." She informed him, almost pulling out a picture of Nate and wiggling it in front of his face. "Good idea, though, the midnight make-out thing. Now, if you'll excuse me…" she took another, definitive step back.

Okay, okay, maybe he had pushed it just a little bit. Chuck wanted desperately to diffuse the tension. He smirked obnoxiously. "Oh, baby, you know I hate to see you go, but-"

"Please, for the love of God, don't," she groaned, taking another disgusted step back. Somehow, it seemed they had almost managed to make the roundtrip across the lake, even if they looked like two idiots who needed to teach themselves how to walk every few seconds doing it.

He nodded, couldn't agree more. Still, there's always room for Innuendo'. "Can I at least see one of the poses you did on your little photo shoot before you go?"

Blair tilted her head and smiled tightly and coldly, every nerve in her body screaming no! It was probably not the most marketable concept for a clothing line, but God smite him down if it wasn't sexy. Chuck almost drooled. "Really? What was the problem with that?" he said, way too cheerfully. "That's pretty hot."

"Goodbye, Chuck," she turned around, breaking into a confident stride away.

Well, so much for getting back to sleep.

Why, he was so agitated, he almost considered jogging.

Jogging.

For crying out loud.

Something weird was going on with him.

:-:

Aw, who's the little Smitten Kitten? Poor Chuck. He has to wait a whole episode in order to finally… er, "blow out his candles" with his beloved, as GG so delicately put it. In Chuck-years, that's like... seven! I do so want to hear what you guys think!